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Another Scary Ride Home, and the Gospel According to Nancy

March 8, 2011 By Jeff 128 Comments

Everything was covered in ice when I left work at 1:30 Sunday night (Monday morning), and now snow was dumping on top of it.  What the hell, man?  I knew nothing of this; there was no prediction of such a scenario.  Dammit!  It looked like it might be another white-knuckle ride home.

And yeah, it turned out to be the worst of the season…  It surpassed, incredibly enough, the nightmare from a few weeks ago.  I’m starting to get tired of arriving home with a Charley horse in my sphincter, if you want to know the truth.  No more Kegels, please!  I could crimp-off a steel bar at this point.

Interstate 81, once again, hadn’t been touched.  It was just natural, uncut mayhem.  Vehicles were sliding all around, and even my car (which does pretty well) was responding in curious ways. Then my windshield went south on me.  It started fogging up, for reasons unknown, and ice was forming on the outside.  When I’d flip on the wipers, it would create nothing but a wide, arcing smear at exactly eye level.

And since I didn’t really know if I was still on the interstate, or possibly driving behind the guard rails, it didn’t help that I could no longer see.

It was a nerve-wracking ride home, which required nearly two hours to drive 36 miles.  At several points during the journey I didn’t feel comfortable exceeding 30 mph, and a couple of times I got stuck behind another driver who didn’t want to risk even 20 mph.  I saw several cars stuck and going nowhere.  It was beyond treacherous out there.

When I finally exited the highway, I learned that the secondary roads were sucking equally.  I don’t think anything had been treated, whatsoever.  But at least on the interstate you could ride in the tire grooves of the people who passed before you.

I made it within two or three blocks of our house, started up a small grade, and that was where the driving story ended.  I couldn’t make it up the tiny hill, so I backed down and planned to try another route.  But I was bogged down now, and wasn’t going anywhere.  I tried to get something going, but it wasn’t happening.  So, I backed my car to the curb, or where I thought the curb might be, and turned off the engine.

And I walked home from there, at 3:30 in the morning, with a lunchbox in my hand.  By the time I reached our front porch, I looked like the Abominable Snowman on Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.  The wind was blowing, and snow was still dumping from the sky.  And I was out walking around the neighborhood.

I was totally stressed, and had three bottles of Yuengling to take the edge off.

The next morning Toney and I spent 90 minutes shoveling the driveway and sidewalk, which totally and completely sucked, and when I went to retrieve my car, I saw that it had been plowed under.  There was a wall of heavy-ass, tightly-compacted snow/sludge piled against the passenger side of my Camry.  Another 40 minutes of digging and shouting profanity, and I finally got the thing liberated from the snow bank.

As Iggy might put it:  no fun.

Toney had her weekly marathon phone conversation with Nancy on Sunday, and there are a few interesting items to report.  For one thing, they poured table salt on the concrete steps in front of their house, and it reportedly destroyed them to a point where they’re no longer safe to use.  In fact, Nostrils strung up some caution tape, and they got several estimates for repairs.  One was $4000!

Toney said, “Table salt?”  And there was some long-winded, convoluted reason for it, which I can’t now remember.  But they were trying to get rid of ice, and dumped boxes and boxes of Morton’s salt on there.  Or, the food co-op equivalent, I suppose.  And now the concrete is dissolved.  Heh.

The neighbors already have a low opinion of N&N, because they don’t take care of their yard, have junker cars, hang their laundry up everywhere, and always have a menagerie of mangy “rescue animals.”  Now they have yellow police tape strung across the front of their house, and the neighborhood folks are just being openly hostile.

Also, Nancy told Toney that she completely lost her mind a few days ago, when Nostrils came home with a box of Hostess Cupcakes, which he was planning to include in the translucents’ school lunches.  Apparently she went wild, and accused Nossy of trying to “poison” their children.  She told Toney that his only defense was, “They were on sale…”  Why do I think that’s so funny?

Nancy then made Nostrils call the kids into the room, and slowly read the cupcake ingredients to them.  Then they both explained about all the cancer-causing properties, etc., and reiterated why it’s important to only eat organic and unprocessed foods, and why “Poppa” was wrong to buy the cakes of poison.

Nostrils really needs to sac-up.  I would’ve told her to go pound sand, then trim the hedges.

She also badgers him all the time, because he doesn’t exercise enough.  The guy is skinny as a rail, because he eats all that horrible food, but she wants him to be constantly working out, as well.  Wotta control freak.

Nancy was reportedly mocking Nossy for all the excuses he makes for not exercising, including “I have canker sores.”  I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that she’s beating the shit out of him.

And here’s the part that makes me mad… Nancy told Toney she thinks overweight people are “child abusers” and are guilty of “spousal neglect.”  And she said (get this!), “How do you reconcile the fact that Jeff doesn’t take very good care of himself anymore?  Don’t you see that as child abuse?”

WTF??  I’m certainly overweight, but I don’t look like Hurley from LOST.  And anyway, what do I have to do with it?  She needs to leave me out of her little crackpot worldview.  Child abuse?  What the crap?  She’s the one who NEVER takes her kids into account when deciding to undertake yet another of her crazy-ass moves, or radical life changes.  Those see-thrus are the new kids every school year, because they’re always in a new school.

By contrast…  When I lost my job in 2007, we briefly considered moving to Raleigh/Durham, and decided to stay-put because we didn’t want to disrupt our boys’ lives.  And Nancy thought that was just about the most ridiculous thing she’d ever heard.  She was genuinely irritated that someone might consider their kids in such a decision.  She and Toney had screaming arguments about it.

I don’t like being called a child abuser, and it’s pissing me off all over again, just writing about it.  Our kids have a good life, and are talented, happy, and well-behaved.  The fact that I don’t look like I just emerged from a concentration camp hasn’t hindered them at all, as far as I can tell.  Nancy is quickly becoming as bitter, angry, and miserable as Sunshine.  She wants to control everyone around her, and lashes out at people on a regular basis.

And I don’t really have a Question.  Just comment on all the stuff above, if you want.  Grrr… I’ll be back at it tomorrow.

Have a great day, boys and girls.

Now playing in the bunker

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Comments

  1. johnthebasket says

    March 8, 2011 at 3:35 am

    Hostess Cupcakes are a major food group. Every child has the right to have one in his lunchbox. No child should be left behind.

    jtb

    Reply
  2. johnthebasket says

    March 8, 2011 at 3:55 am

    Let’s un-conflate healthy eating and lefties right now. I hang with Democrats, Republicans and Indies in roughly equal numbers. They are all my friends, and damn the politics. But as a token lefty on this site, I back the full Hostess slate: Twinkies for breakfast, Cupcakes for lunch, Snowballs for dinner, and Ding-Dongs for after sex.

    My closest friend is a Tea Party guy and he and his wife (also TP) eat low fat, low everything food and take about 20 vitamins per meal. Nancy is crazy; that she happens to also be a lefty accounts for one more crazy person voting for a Negro.. As near as I can tell though, it works out about 50-50.

    I tried to do that with virtually no political content. Hope I came close.

    Love…

    jtb

    Reply
    • Lee Harvey Ramone says

      March 8, 2011 at 11:19 am

      Not political, but racist. Sorry, but someone had to call you on it….

      You been haning out with Charlie Sheen or something?

      Reply
      • johnthebasket says

        March 8, 2011 at 11:33 am

        Lee Harvey, you’re usually quicker than this. I was using the language of the radical right to highlight my point. To be sure, Negro is a racist word in 2011 America, but that doesn’t prevent Michele Bachmann from using it.

        I hope this comment is about language and not politics. I intend it to be so.

        jtb

        Reply
        • Lee Harvey Ramone says

          March 8, 2011 at 1:36 pm

          I just didn’t read your initial comment correctly, and therefore missed your intent. I was doubting that you would use the ‘N’ word in any other way than you intended.

          My ‘politics’ are based on the belief that there is just about no one currently holding public office that have my best interests at heart. That being said, I am even more frightened by the barbarians at the gate (i.e., those looking to Ms Bachmann for guidance and inspiration).

          Reply
          • johnthebasket says

            March 8, 2011 at 6:18 pm

            Lee Harvey…

            If I had to write my position in a paragraph it would be really close to yours.

            jtb

            Reply
    • Phantom Railfan says

      March 8, 2011 at 11:26 am

      I’ll second that. It’s not about Nancy being a lefty. That woman is nuts. I mean it, I gotta believe there is some serious mental illness there.

      And like jtb, I, too have a number of freinds/classmates/relatives/neighbors on the right end of the political spectrum, and they are some of the biggest health nuts I’ve ever seen…

      Reply
    • WB in OH says

      March 8, 2011 at 11:42 pm

      One look at Ted Kennedy would un-conflate healthy eating and lefties. And to be fair and balanced, one look at Sarah Palin would un-conflate reasonable thinking with righties.

      Reply
  3. Joe T. says

    March 8, 2011 at 4:56 am

    Whose kid’s shit smells metallic? Whose kid’s shit needs to be scooped out with a spoon? Whose kids freak out like mental patients? Not yours my friend, not yours.

    Reply
  4. Ian the Errolite says

    March 8, 2011 at 5:28 am

    Ha! She is indeed bonkers!
    Should any of her madness come as a surprise by now?
    Why ‘yes!’, and thats the joy of it!
    She’s a riddle, wrapped in an enigma, tied up in a straightjacket!

    Reply
    • johnthebasket says

      March 8, 2011 at 6:41 am

      Well said, Ian…jtb

      Reply
    • --Steve says

      March 8, 2011 at 7:33 am

      Thank you Ian, for putting into words the description of the ex that I’ve been trying to put my finger on for years. “She’s a riddle, wrapped in an enigma, tied up in a straitjacket!” PERFECT!

      Reply
      • Son of Sam says

        March 8, 2011 at 8:44 am

        Is it any wonder I visit this site? Pure Genius.

        Reply
    • debra says

      March 8, 2011 at 8:43 pm

      Ian that was an inspiration. May I quote you?

      Reply
      • Ian the Errolite says

        March 9, 2011 at 5:16 am

        You certainly can!

        Most of the time I’m lucky if I can string a sentence together. Every few years though, I do have a semi-decent idea.
        Roll on 2013!

        Reply
  5. renn says

    March 8, 2011 at 6:13 am

    I highly suggest purchasing bacon by the truck load and repackaging it in “tofu strip” boxes in preparation for her next visit.

    Then feed it to her kids.

    I have no problem with healthy eating; I eat weird crap all the time. HOWEVER, life without sugar and bacon grease just isn’t worth living. I’d rather continue to be zaftig, thank you. [I make a mean batch of chocolate bacon fudge, too.]

    Reply
    • kenju says

      March 8, 2011 at 8:05 am

      AMEN, Renn.

      Jeff – we in Raleigh-Durham are inconsolable to learn that you might have moved here and didn’t.

      Reply
  6. Knucklehead says

    March 8, 2011 at 6:16 am

    I’m with jtb. As another token lefty, and one who does, in fact, eat healthy, I would never talk/act/think the way that crazy wacko does. You can’t paint us tree-huggers with the same brush.

    That being said, for entertainment value, she has no equal (sorry, Jeff)

    Happy Tuesday, Surfers!

    Reply
  7. --Steve says

    March 8, 2011 at 7:31 am

    The irony of Nan/strils thinking for a moment that the Secrets are abused (via food, life decisions, healthy parents), and that the Translucents are “normal” – it’s just unbelievable!

    She’s batshit crazy. She’s enthusiastically unhinged. She’s a certified lunatic – and a treasure chest of entertainment.

    Reply
  8. Tyrosine says

    March 8, 2011 at 7:53 am

    Nancy is a fucking idiot. Are cupcakes the ideal food for kids? No, but as an occasional treat what’s the problem? What does she think is going to happen when these kids are older and she can’t control them? The forbidden fruit is always the sweetest and these kids are going to binge on sweets the first chance they get. If she really cared about her kids she’d teach them moderation.

    As of the “organic” food, I challenge her (or anyone else) to find one peer-reviewed scientific publication that shows any statistically significant benefit to “organic food”. As a bonus, if you really want to piss her off, point out to her that “organic” means “comes from life” so technically botulinum (the toxin from the bacteria that causes botulism) is organic, as are dioxins, and a whole cornucopia of other harmful chemicals.

    Reply
    • Tyrosine says

      March 8, 2011 at 7:54 am

      Paragraph two should read “As for”.

      Reply
      • T. Farty McAppleass says

        March 8, 2011 at 8:52 am

        Africa is awash in organic, all natural food. And they’re eating their fucking seed corn.

        Reply
        • Chuck in Belpre says

          March 8, 2011 at 9:05 am

          Or busting a rotting stump open to forage for grubs. I think I will stop at the local Hostess outlet here in town and kiss the front door. It’s a national treasure.

          Reply
          • T. Farty McAppleass says

            March 8, 2011 at 9:18 am

            Free range grubs, no less.

            I don’t care what people eat but don’t try to push the rest of us back into the 1800s. “Big Corporate Farms” are just fine by me. They produce inexpensive and safe food. Those who long for the “small family farm” have never worked on one. Shit, oranges used to be so rare that they were given as Christmas presents.

            Reply
            • sunshine_in_va says

              March 8, 2011 at 2:05 pm

              Uh no – they’re not that safe at all. Besides the massive shot of antibiotics these animals get (which we get to eat later in the finished product), they live in close-packed quarters getting feces all over themselves and each other AND their food. Last, the industrial waste-water and ground pollutants from these factory farms are harmful to nearby life, the local water table and any communities downstream.

              Reply
              • T. Farty McAppleass says

                March 8, 2011 at 3:53 pm

                Some proof that we eat “antibiotics” and even if we do, that they’re bad, please. And don’t send me some bullshit left wing nonsense. Peer reviewed science.

                I remember a cartoon where two cavemen are sitting on a rock. And one says to the other, “I don’t get it. Everything we eat is organic. There is no pollution. Why do we only live to be 35?”

                Who gives a fuck? Eat organic or free range if you want (you have that luxury because of the wealth created by our free market system). I don’t care. Truth is, when we were growing and eating locally, and everything was organic, we were starving. Now we feed not only ourselves, but a lot of the world. Our water is safer than it’s ever been. If you want to get sick, go into the mountains and have yourself a nice tall glass of “all natural” river water. No farms upstream.

                Reply
                • sunshine_in_va says

                  March 9, 2011 at 1:30 pm

                  http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=vegetables-contain-antibiotics

  9. SeeKar says

    March 8, 2011 at 8:06 am

    just as we should all be grateful for adversity because it makes us stronger, you should be (in some strange, sadistic way) glad to have this font of entertaining material that just keeps on providing like no other source could.

    That being said, she sounds like a bat-shit crazy professional lunatic of the first rate! Hope she doesn’t flip out at the next family gathering and take you all down.

    Reply
  10. WhiteTrashBarbie says

    March 8, 2011 at 8:14 am

    I’ll take Steve’s batshit crazy and raise him a crazy as a shithouse rat. Her behavior is entertaining from a distance, but screaming matches on the phone with Toney about decisions that are about your family? How is that any of her fucking business?

    And as another token liberal, I do not care what other people eat. I care if other people have enough food, but I don’t judge people’s diet choices. I am having leftover Mexican food for breakfast, so, you know, glasses houses and whatnot.

    Reply
    • Son of Sam says

      March 8, 2011 at 8:56 am

      Beef and bean Burrito for breakfast here as well.

      Reply
    • Bill in WV says

      March 8, 2011 at 12:47 pm

      Leftover, boneless chicken wings from Cold Spot here. Yummy!

      Reply
      • WVKay says

        March 9, 2011 at 12:12 am

        Cold pizza!! It’s what’s for breakfast.

        Reply
        • chill says

          March 9, 2011 at 7:08 am

          Cold pizza and hot coffee: the Breakfast of Champions.
          .

          Reply
  11. Juancho says

    March 8, 2011 at 8:17 am

    Resist the urge to engage with her over this, it will only end in tears for you. Focus on your happy life and us, your dear and loyal readers.

    Reply
  12. Biff Spiffy says

    March 8, 2011 at 8:24 am

    The first part of your story wouldn’t exist if you’d moved to Raleigh… just sayin.

    Everybody thinks their childhood is normal until they grow up. I predict some epic and expensive binges for the Translucents their first year away.

    Reply
  13. Jorge says

    March 8, 2011 at 8:42 am

    “enthusiastically unhinged” -absolutely awesome.

    Seriously, who gives a f*$! what someone that crazy thinks? So what if Josef Stalin thinks I’m an asshole? Whose house would you rather live in, his or mine?

    Does Nancy force the secrets to excercise, too? What must that be like? I’m imagining hours upon hours of modern dance (leotards included), forced marches with onl water and whatever they can forrage for in the woods, and “procedures” straight out of civil war era medical texts. Seriously, she’s raising serial killers.

    And try as I might, I can’t see how my body shape has any immediate effect on my kids. It might long term, but that’s more about genetics and their own choices as adults.

    You’ve got well socialized, athletic kids. She’s got lab rats being driven more and more crazy by her antics and experiments in parenting.

    I know which neighbors I’d rather have, and whose kid I’d rather be.

    Reply
    • Limey says

      March 8, 2011 at 10:09 am

      In no way defending Nancy (!) but children clearly learn from their parents (which is why hers will be messed up adults), so a parent being a sofabound Twinkie glutton is not setting a good example for their children. Fat, lazy barely literate adults tend to raise – gasp – fat, lazy, barely literate children. Learned behavior. Obviously neither JK or his boys fall into that category.

      People who make their children obese should punished the same as those as who starve their children. Both are abusive parenting.

      (I’m an overweight liberal).

      Reply
      • johnthebasket says

        March 8, 2011 at 11:39 am

        Jorge…

        Cogent thoughts, well expressed. Thanks. That’s why it pains me to tell you that Joe Stalin called and said you’re an asshole.

        jtb

        Reply
        • concernedcitizen says

          March 8, 2011 at 11:49 am

          Dennis miller called and said you’re a minor-site-over-involved asshole

          Reply
          • sunshine_in_va says

            March 8, 2011 at 2:08 pm

            Dennis Miller should take. Now THERE’s an asshole. And to think I used to admire him….

            Reply
            • sunshine_in_va says

              March 8, 2011 at 2:08 pm

              Should read “Dennis Miller should TALK”. Sheesh.

              Reply
  14. Chuck in Belpre says

    March 8, 2011 at 8:52 am

    Next visit you should have one TV showing nothing but episodes of Man vs Food.

    We’ve been fortunate this Winter here in the Valley of Clouds. Not much snow at any one time…just enough to be a PITA. I am however getting really tired of scraping the hoar frost off the car windows every morning.

    Reply
    • Good2go says

      March 8, 2011 at 10:37 am

      “Next visit”? No way I’d let that tard in the house ever again.

      Reply
    • Harumpa says

      March 8, 2011 at 3:58 pm

      “Whore Frost?” !! WOW!!

      Reply
  15. bikerchick says

    March 8, 2011 at 8:52 am

    The see-thru’s are already damaged. It’s a done deed. No turning back now. Definitely entertaining on our end though. But spewing bullshit about your family?? I’d tell her to lick your balls from behind.

    Reply
    • Bill in WV says

      March 8, 2011 at 12:53 pm

      Jeff might enjoy that. However, during the process, he could give her a hershey steamer.

      Reply
  16. Jason says

    March 8, 2011 at 8:55 am

    This is funny but I’m also getting pissed off reading about this crazy bitch. I had an aunt who hated the world and was always pushing liberal shit on everyone. She offed herself with a shotgun.

    Reply
    • Son of Sam says

      March 8, 2011 at 9:04 am

      Nice shot man.

      Reply
    • sunshine_in_va says

      March 8, 2011 at 2:09 pm

      Good career move.

      Reply
  17. Chuck in Belpre says

    March 8, 2011 at 9:00 am

    The part about table salt dissolving the front steps is hilarious. I know a certain level of poetic license may or may not be taken but the yellow police tape across the front of the house made me laugh. How do people like this survive?

    Reply
  18. icecycle66 says

    March 8, 2011 at 9:30 am

    Sounds like Nosy tried to be a little normal and got an extra dose of crazy to make up for it. That’s too bad.

    Reply
  19. t-storm says

    March 8, 2011 at 9:38 am

    It’s like people who don’t like chemicals in their food. Water is a chemical.

    Reply
    • T. Farty McAppleass says

      March 8, 2011 at 10:20 am

      I’m sick and goddamn tired of hearing about “all natural” things. Everything on Earth is “all natural” even chemicals. It’s made of all natural ingredients. It’s not as if they’re importing things from another dimension. Therefore, I declare everything all natural and hereby remove the topic from further discussion. You’re welcome.

      I start every morning by drinking two shot glasses of non-stick cooking spray and 1/2 a cup of pure corn syrup. And I feel great.

      Reply
      • Bill in WV says

        March 8, 2011 at 12:54 pm

        +1 Farty !

        Reply
      • icecycle66 says

        March 8, 2011 at 3:26 pm

        Huzzah!

        Reply
      • Seanette says

        March 8, 2011 at 4:15 pm

        I think I love you. 🙂

        What really jumps out at me is the toxic relationships in that household. Let’s do a LONG shaming session on an ADULT family member because he dared to buy a box of treats, and teach the kids to mock and ridicule their father.

        Does she also do rants on the male members of her family about how evil they are for having Y chromosomes? Given her politics and crazy level, I suspect so.

        Reply
        • T. Farty McAppleass says

          March 8, 2011 at 5:07 pm

          Seanette,
          You might love WHO? I have very low self-esteem and want to make sure.
          Farty

          Reply
          • Seanette says

            March 8, 2011 at 9:00 pm

            I was talking about you and that very well-expressed point about “all natural”. 🙂

            Reply
            • T. Farty McAppleass says

              March 8, 2011 at 10:08 pm

              Awww. I was just kidding about being needy (not really). You can love me anytime you want. 🙂

              Reply
  20. madz1962 says

    March 8, 2011 at 9:49 am

    First off, Jeff, “Bumbles bounce!”

    I have a big problem with people who have major food issues. It’s the last legal pleasure there is – food and drink. I don’t need to be preached to by some scrawny root chomper about how I am poisoning myself with a cheeseburger. Please. Look the fuck around. I rank those people right up there with someone trying to ram religion down my throat.

    Speaking of religion, today IS Fat Tuesday and I;m going to eat until I pass out.

    Reply
    • Dave's not here, man says

      March 8, 2011 at 3:09 pm

      And weebles wobble, but they don’t fall down.

      Reply
  21. Nurse Ratched says

    March 8, 2011 at 10:25 am

    ALERT!!!!

    Possible paradigm shift in the making.

    Nancy now = Real personal PAIN

    Reply
  22. tadpolegal says

    March 8, 2011 at 10:28 am

    Today being Fat Tuesday, I have already started my day with 2 Pazcki’s. I will probably have yet another at some point in the day. Yum!

    I totally agree with everyone that these people are nuts. And while a organice, natural diet is commendable, everyone should be able to splurge and have a treat when the need arises.

    I have to ask though, does anyone else think that Hostess snacks don’t taste very good anymore. I think they were much better when I was a kid. They changed their recipes or somthing and especially the Suzy Q’s are way off now.

    Reply
    • Chuck in Belpre says

      March 8, 2011 at 10:33 am

      I blame high fructose corn syrup. When I worked at Coca-Cola the drinks were made with real sugar. Much better then. Or maybe my taster has been damaged over the years. Nah…it’s the HFCS.

      Reply
    • madz1962 says

      March 8, 2011 at 10:39 am

      I prefer Drakes and they don’t taste the same anymore, either. I almost wept the last time I had a Devil Dog – not the same at all.

      Reply
      • bikerchick says

        March 8, 2011 at 11:17 am

        Same with Tastykakes. We use to fight over the Butterscotch Krimpets. They ain’t what they used to be.

        Reply
        • Dave's not here, man says

          March 8, 2011 at 3:10 pm

          I’m waiting until tomorrow when I can buy the leftover paczki at half price. Then I will eat until I pass out!

          Reply
          • Jason says

            March 8, 2011 at 5:13 pm

            I don’t want to be a blasphemer here, but I can still get Coke made with sugar (Mexican isle) in the grocery store. You can also buy Dr. Pepper with cane sugar in it from Dublin, TX. I honestly cannot tell the difference between the cane sugar and the corn syrup.

            Reply
  23. Root 66 says

    March 8, 2011 at 10:40 am

    I wish I could remember which surfer said it, but it goes something like this… “I’d rather die by bacon than by cancer.” What’s the point in living to 100 when you can’t enjoy a good steak or dessert? Mr. Kay, stand strong against the rising tide of those who would make us eat tofu. As a man of size myself, I raise my Little Debbie Nutty Bar in your honor!

    We have no place for food Nazis in the free world!

    Reply
    • Bill in WV says

      March 8, 2011 at 1:34 pm

      Eat all you can now, in a few years when we are fighting tooth and nail for a package of saltine crackers, we’ll have a fat supply to live off of for a while.

      Reply
  24. Brittney says

    March 8, 2011 at 11:44 am

    Nancy just sounds like a miserable soul. I’m gonna go eat a cupcake.

    Reply
  25. Brittney says

    March 8, 2011 at 11:45 am

    Is it possible to have cheeseburger withdrawals?

    Reply
  26. Brittney says

    March 8, 2011 at 11:45 am

    Is it possible to have cheeseburger withdrawals?

    Reply
    • johnthebasket says

      March 8, 2011 at 12:06 pm

      Yes, although it’s possible that you’re in withdrawl from double cheesburgers.

      jtb

      Reply
      • Limey says

        March 8, 2011 at 12:35 pm

        Or the last one you had is still repeating on you.

        Reply
        • madz1962 says

          March 8, 2011 at 12:41 pm

          Oh hell yes. I could eat cheeseburgers every other day. I had a patty melt last night. I could have it again for lunch today but I just scarfed down some leftover Chinese food and noticed Beloved ate all the pork out of the pork fried rice.

          Reply
          • Brittney says

            March 8, 2011 at 12:52 pm

            I went to Wal-mart a few weeks ago and saw that they are putting labels on meat now. 17 gr of fat for 4 oz of hamburger! Even the leaner meat is 8. I knew the stuff was fattening but I guess you don’t think about that when you’re scarfing down a BBQ bacon burger from Rubys…(Homer drool). Anyway, I haven’t had a cheeseburger since I was at Wal-mart that day, and I’ve been craving one for the past few days.

            I just ordered one from Schoops….Gonna inhale this thing.

            Reply
            • madz1962 says

              March 8, 2011 at 1:20 pm

              I htink I’ll be stopping by the deli tonight for 2 hard rolls and make our 12 ounce belly bombs for a Fat Tuesday dinner. Oh yeahh, baby! OK, and salad (gotta have some greens).

              Reply
          • Lee Harvey Ramone says

            March 8, 2011 at 1:19 pm

            Patty melt = food of the gods

            Patty Melt Ramone

            Reply
            • madz1962 says

              March 8, 2011 at 1:22 pm

              The last on I had, Lee Harvey, I substituted ketchup for “special sauce” (I think it was Russian Dressing) and I almost had a seizure at the table it was that good. Burgers: ketchup, Patty melts: dressing.

              Reply
              • Brittney says

                March 8, 2011 at 1:31 pm

                Mmm…Someone posted yesterday about the statistics of quite a few things (Was it you Lee? I can’t remember). The one about how a single person in a lifetime eats 4.5 cows…that was some pretty amazing information to me. I feel like I should’ve felt disgusted by that, but I wasn’t, I truly amazed that in my lifetime I will eat 4.5 cows. In fact, I’m pretty sure I have already.

                Patty melts are really good too, especially if you find a good restaurant that serves them.

                Reply
                • Dave's not here, man says

                  March 8, 2011 at 3:13 pm

                  ah, the absolute BEST patty melt was made at the lunch counter at G.C. Murphy’s department store, back in the 70s. Man, it’s too bad all the good department stores closed in the 80s – they were the best!

  27. dto says

    March 8, 2011 at 11:56 am

    It sounds like she’s approaching level six where she will beign to think of field mice as free range and she will tell people to just eat bees and avoid the prosessing the honey industry forces on us. She will start a compost pile only to start eating it and skip the growing process all together.

    Reply
  28. junkfood says

    March 8, 2011 at 12:18 pm

    Perhaps instead of being angry, Jeff should do the classy thing and hand-deliver to Nancy, on high-quality formal paper, an embossed and engraved invitation to go fuck herself.

    Don’t forget to include a pre-adressed and stamped RSVP envelope, of course.

    Reply
    • Tyrosine says

      March 8, 2011 at 2:14 pm

      ” Jeff should do the classy thing and hand-deliver to Nancy, on high-quality formal paper, an embossed and engraved invitation to go fuck herself”

      with a cactus

      Reply
  29. Doug says

    March 8, 2011 at 12:46 pm

    Wow, it still amazes me just how clueless Nancy is. Too busy judging others to see her own fucked-uppedness. Hitler had a lot of “progressive” ideas as well…

    Reply
  30. rob says

    March 8, 2011 at 1:17 pm

    I feel sorry for the translucents. They’ve probably never experienced the simple joy of a fried bologna sammich on white bread with a schmear of Miracle Whip, some BBQ potato chips, grape Kool-Aid & a Hostess cupcake for dessert. Poor kids.

    Reply
    • Bill in WV says

      March 8, 2011 at 1:38 pm

      Or one un-fucked-up disaster of a birthday cake.

      Reply
      • Chuck in Belpre says

        March 8, 2011 at 2:28 pm

        Spam on white bread with brown-speckled lettuce.

        Reply
        • Dave's not here, man says

          March 8, 2011 at 3:16 pm

          I’ll have the spam on spam with spam, baked beans, and spam…

          Reply
  31. Lee Harvey Ramone says

    March 8, 2011 at 2:09 pm

    JK; you need to endeavor to rise above the insanity that your in-laws inject into your life. Letting it get to you will consume you, without getting to the root of the problem. If you really want to get to the root of the problem, then you will need to hire an assassin to take out Nancy (preferably, a team of ninjas). I do realize, however, that this is an expensive proposition.

    I suggest that you add a link to this Website that will accompany the “Buy Jeff a Beer” link. You can name the link “Help Jeff Hire a Team of Ninjas to Take Out Nancy”, or something like that (I’ll leave the details for you to iron out). This way, your loyal readers can contribute to a general fund that you can use to take care of your ‘Nancy problem’.

    Mardi Gras, everyone!

    Reply
    • Lee Harvey Ramone says

      March 8, 2011 at 2:13 pm

      Just in case there are any non-French-speaking folks out there: Mardi Gras translates into ‘fatty Tuesday’

      Reply
    • Bill in WV says

      March 8, 2011 at 3:24 pm

      Just string her up by her pit hair. A pit-hair crucifixion, if you will.

      Reply
  32. JeffInDenver (InCleveland) says

    March 8, 2011 at 2:54 pm

    Wow….. Is Nancy going to be the next Amy Bishop?

    Reply
  33. T. Farty McAppleass says

    March 8, 2011 at 4:02 pm

    Sorry for being so cranky (sunshine_in_va especially) but it’s “Fat Tuesday” and I’m taking part in the festivities. I don’t do any other part of Lent, just the part where you’re allowed debauchery without anyone lifting an eyebrow. And I’m a little drunk as a result. And it’s hardly 3:00pm where I’m at. And I’m having steaks tonight (hormones, antibiotics, whatever, don’t care).

    Reply
    • madz1962 says

      March 8, 2011 at 4:11 pm

      Ah, T. Farty, let me enlighten you… Current Canon Law requires that on the days of mandatory fasting, Catholics may eat only one full meal during the day.[2] Additionally, they may eat up to two small meals or snacks,[3] known as “collations”. Church requirements on fasting only relate to solid food, not to drink, so any amount of water or other beverages – even alcoholic drinks – may be consumed.

      EVEN ALCOHOLIC DRINKS!!! Hungry? Have another shot!

      Reply
      • T. Farty McAppleass says

        March 8, 2011 at 5:09 pm

        Thanks madz!
        I am hungry. I think I’ll have some more liquid nutrition (though I am cutting it with diet coke).

        Reply
      • chill says

        March 8, 2011 at 8:00 pm

        I believe (without googling, so I could be wrong) that this is the origin of Bocks and Abbey ales. The story goes that medieval monks were required to fast during Lent, so they brewed strong heavy beers to tide them over.

        Remember: beer has food value, but food does not have beer value.
        .

        Reply
  34. Alex says

    March 8, 2011 at 4:25 pm

    Save for the addition of iodine to table salt (don’t tell Nancy) its the same as the salt you buy in a big bag for ice melt. Did it contribute? In around a bout way it does speed up the damage to concrete, just by the fact it melts snow/ice, and allows more water to absorb into the concrete, which then freezes and cracks it more. It happens over time, this past winters application would have happened regardless of what kind of ice melt they used.

    Someone needs to treat those translucents to some good old life preserving hostess goodness when they visit again… Just saying Jeff. You can help turn their life around, even if it is just in a small way.

    Reply
    • Jason says

      March 8, 2011 at 5:17 pm

      Save for the addition of iodine to table salt (don’t tell Nancy) its the same as the salt you buy in a big bag for ice melt.
      Remember why we started adding iodine to salt? Because when the boys showed up from the Midwest for the war they were riddled with goiters. Added iodine to “all natural” salt, problem solved.
      Jesus. I need to get off this kick. It’s not only unfunny, I think it might be unhealthy. Sorry reporters.

      Reply
  35. mexico motorcycle says

    March 8, 2011 at 5:18 pm

    Jeff, do you have kielbasa for tires on your car?…or baloney skins?. Get yourself some decent winter treads for that car…try Bridgestone Blizzaks. I put those on a VW beetle…a light, very-shitty-in -the-snow car and transformed it to a snow eater. The high performance, wide Pirellis are great in the simmer but suck in the winter. That car was getting stick in 1 inch of snow on the Pirellis. With the Blizzaks, the thing will drive thru snow up to it’s headlights. Shit can the “all-season Mud and snow” bool-shit tires most people put on their cars. Those all season tires suck in the snow. Get yourself a second set of cheap steel rims from a junkyard (about 20 bucks per tire), put on the Blizzaks and don’t worry about snow and ice. You can even get them studed from the dealer for the front tires.

    Our parents and grandparents always put “snow tires” on their cars in the winter. Do you think they only did it for shits and grins? Hel boy, it made sense then and it still does.

    Don’t be such a yuppie fag boy.

    Reply
    • Jason says

      March 8, 2011 at 5:36 pm

      Fag boy? Watch yourself, Mexico. Bad tires does not a fag make.

      Reply
  36. mexico motorcycle says

    March 8, 2011 at 6:00 pm

    Listening to what the chubby salesman at Uncle Jack’s Tire World is telling you and not thinking for yourself qualifies you as being, perhaps not a fag boy, so to speak, but potentially an idiot. For the most part, all cars used to be rear wheel drive. People bought snow tires because they helped get thru the snow. They worked. Now nearly all cars are front wheel or 4 wheel drive and people are flying off the friggin road in record numbers. People buy M&S tires because sales people tell us they are good in snow. Those tires are just like the summer tires our parents took OFF the cars and replaced with big honking lug tires on the drive wheels….SNOW tires. If you believe that a tire is good in the snow because it says so in the Sunday paper ad flyer or ’cause Bubba at the Tire Barn says so (and gets a commission on them), then you deserve to get stuck and have to walk home. That makes you a “fag boy” of sorts….not using any common sense.

    Reply
    • Jeff says

      March 9, 2011 at 2:32 am

      We get it. Tires. This is your thing, right? You should be very proud.

      Reply
    • Bill in WV says

      March 9, 2011 at 10:53 am

      Were you the mechanic that stole Jerry’s car on the episode of Seinfeld?

      Reply
    • madz1962 says

      March 9, 2011 at 11:46 am

      It wasn’t SNOW he was stuck on – it was ice. I don’t give a rat’s balls what kind of tires you have – they ain’t working on ice. I’ve seen police cars doing 180s on ice.

      Reply
      • Kevindust says

        March 10, 2011 at 1:04 pm

        Sorry madz, you are incorrect on this one. The proper tires make a huge difference on ice.

        http://www.tirerack.com/tires/tests/videoDisplay.jsp?ttid=135

        Reply
  37. Jason says

    March 8, 2011 at 6:06 pm

    Understood. Well, thanks for educating us. Most of us know shit about tires. But all of us know that Mr. Kay isn’t a “fag” or a “fag boy”. So okay.

    You must sell tires or make tires or something. Any recommendations for rain driving, where there isn’t a lot of snow?

    Reply
  38. t-storm says

    March 8, 2011 at 6:15 pm

    I believe the consensus is Jeff is a pussy. I believe that was handed down by Buck.

    Fag boy would have frozen to death in said car and the secrets and Toney would have had to chizzle his frozen ass out of the snowcoon that the snowplow left him in.

    Reply
  39. CIH says

    March 8, 2011 at 6:40 pm

    No comments yet about the further evidence? At 29 Yuan each they’ll sell a fricken billion of those things.

    Reply
    • Jason says

      March 8, 2011 at 7:02 pm

      I signed in and everything, all I got was sound. So I missed the Jap tits. How was it?

      Reply
      • WB in OH says

        March 8, 2011 at 11:31 pm

        As Jackie Chiles would say, fantastic!

        Reply
  40. T. Farty McAppleass says

    March 8, 2011 at 6:53 pm

    We need our goddamn box-scores, for shitsake.

    Reply
  41. Alex says

    March 8, 2011 at 9:34 pm

    I’m surprised you still had a car there to extract. Usually a car parked overnight during the winter season is going to get towed away or ticketed at the least.

    Reply
  42. WVKay says

    March 9, 2011 at 12:21 am

    WVSR Classic cracked me up!! Small town newspapers are so entertaining. My Mom used to always send me the best. My favorite was a picture of a guy who killed a bobcat. The headline read, “Some Pussy!” You can’t make that shit up.

    Reply
  43. paul in nh says

    March 9, 2011 at 12:58 am

    Jeff, you have more balls than Nostrils, but not ENOUGH more to rant like you do. When is the last time you told Toney to trim the hedges? My bet….never.

    Reply
    • Jeff says

      March 9, 2011 at 2:41 am

      Toney and I don’t have that kind of dysfunctional relationship. And I don’t know what might come out of my mouth if she were to try to humiliate me in front of my kids, because of something crazy-ass and batshit. But I can promise you, it wouldn’t be pretty. And, just so we’re clear, it goes the other way, too. Toney wouldn’t put up with such nonsense, either.

      Some of the comments today piss me off….

      Reply
      • Seanette says

        March 9, 2011 at 2:44 am

        Hang in there, Jeff. There are childish jerks in every comment section on the Web. You and Toney obviously have a relationship that works well for the two of you and for the Secrets, so don’t waste too much mental energy on what strangers who are overly impressed with themselves have to say about people and situations they know little to nothing about.

        Reply
      • t-storm says

        March 9, 2011 at 2:48 am

        If I’m not wrong, they’ve pissed off a few loyal readers.. I feel inappropriate comments were made about your wife. Hope i’m not out of line

        Reply
    • bikerchick says

      March 9, 2011 at 9:25 am

      “When is the last time you told Toney to trim the hedges?”……….

      What is this…the 1950’s?? About the time my boyfriend/husband “told” me to do anything, especially with that tone, he’d be eating through a straw and sleeping with one eye open wearing a pie pan. Holy fuck!

      Reply
      • Jeff says

        March 9, 2011 at 10:49 am

        Tires.

        Reply
      • Bill in WV says

        March 9, 2011 at 11:02 am

        I took that comment as a hygiene question.

        Reply
  44. paul in nh says

    March 9, 2011 at 1:08 am

    lol…just read the part about ‘child abuser….’

    Don’t you have that shithead’s number? I’d rip her a new asshole, Sis in law or not.

    You NOW have EVERY reason for them NOT to EVER visit you again…after all, what kind of a MOTHER would SHE be to let her children stay in the house of a CHILD ABUSER! You could call the police on her for endangerment

    Reply
  45. paul in nh says

    March 9, 2011 at 1:25 am

    I second the Blizzaks comment…have them on my 350z and can’t praise them enough…I tell EVERYONE about them.

    Reply
    • Jeff says

      March 9, 2011 at 2:50 am

      And I know they appreciate it.

      Reply
      • Bill in WV says

        March 9, 2011 at 11:00 am

        They need to talk to Goober. Now HE knows tires. He helped Lydia out, cuz she’s got bad tars.

        Reply
  46. Lee Harvey Ramone says

    March 9, 2011 at 11:19 am

    twinkies

    Reply
  47. dto says

    March 9, 2011 at 11:28 am

    …”sac-up”…much better.

    Reply

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