While at work last night I was hit with a very specific craving: hot dogs with mustard and sauerkraut. I even imagined them with steamed buns, like they used to serve at the Dunbar Dairy Queen back when dinosaurs roamed the Earf. And cravings aren’t usually that clear-cut. Ya know?
Maybe it was because I wrote about fair food in yesterday’s update, I don’t know. But the hankerin’ was so powerful I seriously considered stopping at Sheetz (where “the kitchen is always open”) on my way home, and ordering exactly what was dancing in my head.
But I decided to deny the craving, and just have a bowl of Rice Krispies in the bunker, instead. I mean, Sheetz serves-up pretty good food for a convenience store, but they’re not known for their speediness. And I didn’t care for the idea of standing around in the middle of the night as some questionable character in plastic gloves breathed heavily through his nose holes across my wieners.
Then I thought I could stop at the 24-hour grocery store near our house, and buy a package of hot dogs, some buns, and a jar of sauerkraut. But I figured that would cost me upwards of ten bucks (I have to have all-beef weenies), and that was a bit pricey for a craving. So, I just went home.
And my very first thought when I woke up this morning? Man, I really want some hot dogs with mustard and sauerkraut. I think this happened even before I started the frantic calculating of days until the weekend. And that’s saying something.
What the hell’s going on?! I think I’m going to have to deal with this thing, I really do. It’s starting to take over my life. Even now I’m sitting here wanting, really wanting, two or three hot dogs with very specific toppings and bun texture.
Will somebody please hold me?
And speaking of “quality” all-beef wieners, we recently stumbled upon a hamburger truth that shocked me. At first, anyway.
A few weeks ago Toney made a mistake while buying burger for one of our deck feasts, and bought ground beef with an 80/20 meat to fat ratio. We were in the habit of buying the kind with very little fat, because we assumed it was better.
But we were wrong, so very wrong. Ever since we switched to 80/20, our grilled burgers have been a thousand times tastier. Sweet Maria. It makes a huge difference, and I should’ve known: fat is where it’s at.
I highly recommend it, if you’ve been making the same mistake we were. Our burgers now taste like the really good ones from my childhood. And I was starting to think they were a personal myth: hamburgers that were hyper-exaggerated to legendary status through the years. But they’re real, and now they’re back!
And I probably shouldn’t admit this, but I didn’t plan for this one to be so… focused. Somehow the whole update is about meat, kinda sorta.
Anyway, yesterday I overheard a woman tell someone she only eats meat from animals that have been “killed by a single blow.” Have you ever heard that one? I find it to be fairly bizarre.
Yeah, I know what she meant. She meant cruelty-free, and free-range, and all that stuff. But it’s not how she described it. She said “killed by a single blow.”
I like the idea of all our meat coming from happy, smiling cows, and chickens that have led a fulfilling life. I like animals (probably better than most people) and don’t want to think about them suffering so that I might have a quick lunch at Wendy’s. So, I’m not really making fun of the woman. I’m sure her heart is in the right place.
But I’d like for us to come up with some additional requirements for our food, designed to impress our friends and co-workers, as well as ensure that the source had a nice life before we got there and, you know, ate the absolute shit out of it.
In the comments section, please complete the sentence “I’ll only eat…” I came up with a few while in the shower. That’s right, they were written while naked. What of it?
- Chickens that were tickled to death.
- Beef slaughtered behind a beaded curtain.
- Beef from cows that have never been exposed to financial stress.
- Tomatoes that were hammock-grown.
And you guys can take it from there, if you’d like. Or you can come up with your own topics. There are no rules… this is the West Virginia Surf Report.
I’ll be back tomorrow.
See ya then.
Oneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
Deuce
Hot dogs with mustard and sauerkraut. For breakfast.
Only one conclusion – you are pregnant.
the only thing that would make that better is to slap some chili on there, maybe some cheese.
Jeff ,
Christ have you turned Yankee on us ? What’s up with the sauerkraut n mustard , THIS coming from a WV boy. I remember many a evening at Dunbar Dairy Queen but all I remember is chili n slaw !!! I do like kraut n weenies but not on a bun . Ah Sheetz wish we had one in Charletson , sheetz rocks !
I thought West Virginia was all Yankees? That was the reason you split from Viginia during the Civil War or so Grandpa told me…in a bar.
Nope , most people from Kanawha County and below consider themselves southern. Historically 32,000 troops were Union and 16,000 to 20,000 Confederate. But I was not really referring to which side of the war we were on. I just meant Yankee as in NORTHERNER . I can’t speak for the entire state but in this part of the state you would be hard pressed to find a sauerkraut n mustard hot dog.. It’s Hillbilly Hotdog all the way , chili n slaw . Sonic sells the coney (another yankee dog I am sure you are familiar with) and I am guessing it’s not their hottest item.
I realize Jeff now lives in a Yankee state and thus has embraced their hotdog culture (TRAITOR) (oops did I type that out loud) and I am happy to see him expand his horizons.(Benedict Arnold) (oops there I go again) .
Jeff ,
When you come for your next visit meet as at the Dunbar Bowling Alley. A small lynch mob will be waiting for you where we will escort you to the plaza by the library, tie you up and pelt you with Bowling Alley Chili n slaw dogs !
WB in OhHIGHoh,
Thanks for the history lesson. I slept through most of my history classes .
… if it has a face and died a bloody painful horrible death… am I getting too predicable?
I knew a girl who was a vegetarian and she walked the old ” I don’t eat anything that has a face ” line and I just extrapolated that and figured ” … so you won’t eat a watch ? ” Then I confused myself with her little rule and figured that vegatarian policy is not to eat anything that has hands … no, nothing that can tell time !
Good Afternoon Surf Reporters………..
I’ll only eat fruits and vegetables that were hand picked by migrant workers who are in this country illegally.
I want hot dogs and mustard now. Please.
Jeff, the lady may have meant that, if multiple “hits” the meat tends to toughen. And how the hell do I know this? We do a lot of work with hunters. If the kill isn’t swft and clean, the muscles tend to spaz causing the meat to become very tough.
I’ll only eat… pigs that go to upscale manicurists.
..pigs that had their balls tickled just before the death blow…
…zucchini that hasn’t been used in a porno…
it’s late you probably won’t read this but that was hilarious ! …reminds me of “the cucumber incident” …if you have not seen it …you should watch it . It’s crazy. True story . Believe in happened in ohHIGHoh
I’ll only eat pre-cuddled chickens.
zucchini porn WTF? who gets a hardon watching zucchini?
predicable? wtf does THAT mean? I can be dicked before I’m ready? hmmm.
Pat, I’d like a T?
One of them, Vanna?
predictable.
Must be the cheese fuckers in this world huh?
Chops that only come from pigs who were surrounded by supportive adults and who got plenty of trophies in their piglet-hood.
..that has never stood up.
What meat eater doesn’t eat meat killed with a single blow? Maybe a hunter who just misses his target and has to fire a second shot, but that’s all I could think of. I don’t think MegaBigMeat Incorporated is in the practice of brutal death bludgeoning to get their mechanically separated “Food Product” onto market shelves.
Dibs on “Brutal Death Bludgeoning” as a band name.
Dibs on “MegaBigMeat” as a porn name.
I’ll only eat a chicken that was an honor student at Farm Fresh Elementary.
I’ll only eat a woman with Daddy Issues.
I will only eat volunteer pork.
I will only eat cod that has been hand salted by Malaysian children.
I will only eat bananas that have first been used as condom application practice devices by highschoolers.
I will only eat eggplant that exists after I cease to.
I will only eat oats that are as smart as wheat.
I will only eat brownies that are baked by hippies.
I will only eat beef if it is cut against the grain.
I will only eat meat if it is carbon free.
I will only eat anti-anti-rabbit fencing farm lettuce.
those are all great !
I will only eat beef from bulls who have been castrated, also known as steers.
I’ve had a lifelong policy of only eating hooved animals that were registered Democrats or who voted for Nixon but regret it.
jtb
I only eat lettuce that’s been serenaded by Harry Connick Jr.
I will only eat gluten free whole hull imitation soy almond extract non-dairy gelatin based organic free fiber cane broth chipped beef.
I will only eat cat-free General Tso’s chicken.
I will only eat mutton that has never been “boned”
So you like “bone-in” mutton.
I’m a Level 5 vegan… I will eat nothing that casts a shadow.
I stole that from The Simpsons.
A guy I used to work with, a Greek whose parents own a NJ diner, said that it’s the fat gives the burger its flavor. 80/20 is the optimal ratio.
I will only eat veal that suffers from self doubt.
Oh wait… we weren’t being serious?
…an animal that has been personally slaughtered by Steve Segal, Lawman….
…….. only eat venison that has met it’s demise by vehicle. (roadkill).
Jeff, would you say you are longing for all beef weenies?
Or, have a hankering perhaps?
Do you desire it, with a desire from deep within your bowels?
Or is it a mere predilection?
It could be a more serious craving;… or a simple eagerness. An eagerness to have the taste of all beef weenies dancing about your tongue and mouth and gliding down your throat on that simple natural lubricant that is crushed mustard seed sauce. All the while, simple tangy sauerkraut tickles the edges of your lips and the tip of your tongue while you try your best to create a satisfying and imperviously tight seal around the warm soft buns, so that none of the wonderful all beef weenie juices or seed sauce escape down your chin and over neck onto the shirt that you will have to wear to your work and your home.
Umm….where’s that zucchini? What?!?
I will only eat meat that has been worn by a celebrity (but not Gilbert Gottfried) at an awards show of some kind.
I’ll only eat:
Cucumbers from plants whose leaves have been washed daily in lavender soap, harvested by midget peasant farmers from Bhutan.
Jeff came up with “Beef slaughtered behind a beaded curtain” while in the shower. Does anyone else find that to be a little alarming?
I will only snort blow.
36 comments already! You guys are quick. I thought I had SMS updates but I guess not.
I think every vegetable or fruit has been used in a porn somewhere…
My favorite dish is hot dogs or uh, weiners, smothered in cheese and baked beans.
I’ll only eat chicken that’s been home-schooled.
I’ll only eat beef from cows that have been felled by a single blow from a phone thrown by Naomi Campbell.
I’ll only eat lobstah born and raised in recyclable kiddie pools filled with Perrier (and a dash of vodka around Christmas).
clever !
Brit, I was still commenting on the last post when I saw the Swami’s ONNEEEE………quick but just not quick on the uptake
….fish that isn’t late….
….fruits that have more than one vowel but less that 7 distinct consonants in there name…
….pish…. pork that tastes like pish….
….
…and a busch light.
….veal that has been verbally abused by Mel Gibson…
pork that tastes like FISH ….
did I mention I hate the reply feature
You mean this one?
I only eat pork that had it’s testicles cut out at six weeks.
I’ll only eat beef from cattle who had a living will and had signed a DNR.
jtb
I’ll only eat chicken that has been tenderized from the inside.
Dammit, Gretchen, it’s not my fault. “home-schooled” gives me a laughing aneurysm every time I read it.
Just don’t throw your back out. You just had that thing fixed! Again!
I will only eat beef that has been interrupted by Kanye West.
I’ll only eat olive oil pressed by virgins.
I’ll only eat spaghetti that has been baptised and hammered
I’ll only eat people if it is produced and distributed by the Soylent company.
“Soylent Green is people!!”
I will eat no seafood that could have theoretically learned to sing along to “Money Changes Everything”.
Jeff,
I hope you have an alibi:
http://www.upi.com/Odd_News/2010/09/28/Little-Debbie-truck-stolen-abandoned/UPI-58701285694183/
I hate the reply feature.
I only eat turkeys who were given an official Darth Maul double ended light saber and a fighting chance.