I was in a store this past weekend, buying contact lens solution, and got trapped in a claustrophobic situation. I was trying to crab-walk my way down the appropriate aisle, as two old women with a pronounced sense of entitlement blocked everything and carried on a lengthy conversation.
For a few seconds I was frozen, unable to move in either direction, and I noticed another conversation taking place a few feet to my left. Hello! A little circulating wouldn’t hurt. I’ve got my gut wedged into the Visine over here!! This second chit-chat session was between two employees of the store, and they were talking earnestly about some disagreement they’d had with a superior.
I began to eavesdrop, as I was stuck in this eye care department limbo-state, and they were acting as if their problem was a matter of national security.
“I told him we’re going to need to bring in risers, but he wants to go without them. I’ve been through these kinds of reconfiguration projects before, and this is his first time. But he knows more about it than everybody else. You know how he is. You can mark my words, though: we’re going to miss the deadline, AND we’ll be using risers. Just like I told him. Risers are the only solution to the problem. I’ve seen it TOO many times…”
He was speaking like he was in charge of protecting the president, but I’m pretty sure he was just helping to move shelving around in a retail store.
It’s easy to mock a person like that, but I sometimes catch myself doing it, too. I can get wrapped up in things that don’t mean jack shit, and start pontificating as if it’s an issue of grave importance. But I keep it to a minimum, and my jags are usually short-lived, because I can see the absurdity in it all. It usually doesn’t take long before I achieve a sense of perspective: This is some minor problem, inside a distribution center in Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania. The sun isn’t fixin’ to explode.
But the thing is… those two guys very likely don’t see it the way I do. They probably don’t believe their conversation was absurd at all. I bet if I tracked them down right now, they’d start giving the speech, all over again, about “risers” and how they know how to manage a reconfiguration better than that college boy know-nothing. And they’d repeatedly remind me about their vast experience and expertise.
Of course, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to do a good job. And I can certainly understand being irritated by some cocky jackass. But those guys weren’t making fun of him and calling him names (the preferred course of action), they were discussing it like the future of the human race was hanging in the balance.
I try not to live inside that tiny, tiny world. I’m not completely immune, but I make an effort. Unfortunately, I’m often surrounded by people who don’t subscribe to my way of thinking. Four nights a week, to be exact… But I’d better leave it at that. Ahem.
Please note: It’s a completely different thing to get irritated about people who can’t order correctly at a fast food restaurant, or the ones who back into parking spaces, or the idiots who start half their sentences with the word “So.” Those are universal affronts, that affect humanity at large. It’s apples and oranges…
The book is slowly becoming available at Barnes & Noble, and Amazon’s Kindle Store. There’s a gestation period where it appears at the sites, but is not yet being included in search results. That’s where we are right now. Information is still populating, and I’m sure it’ll be complete by this evening.
Yesterday I received a message from Amazon saying the production files for the physical book — the trade paperback — are good, and I ordered a proof copy. As soon as I have it, and give ’em a jittery thumbs-up, they’ll make it available for sale.
I’ll discuss this further, here or at the other site, but I’ve chosen a price of $3.99 for the e-book version, and $13.95 for the real book. Plenty of thought went into this, and I’ll explain it. Not today, but some other day.
Oh, and Apple has not replied to my application to be a vendor in their iBooks store. Again, I’ll hold my tongue. I love Apple products, but their “we’re different” attitude irritates me. It’s great to be different during the product development phase, and also while marketing. But sometimes it’s wise to just adopt the proven practices of other successful companies. Ya know?
The past two days have been chaos, and I’m going to post this update now, even though I’m not real happy with it. I need thirty more minutes, dammit!
I’ll see you guys again tomorrow.
Have a great day!
The Qweezy Mark says
Don’t you hate it when you are trying to back out of a parking spot in a shopping mall and you’re unable to see the pedestrians until they are right behind your bumper? And then you get the ‘look’ from all the people you nearly run over… You dont get that problem when you park backing into the spot. You get to see everything while parking, and getting out is easy.
I just find it funny that you hate the practice. I kind of understand not liking people being self righteous about backing it in, specially when they criticize others not doing it like they do it. I’ll do it either way, but I mostly back in when the lot is packed.
Well quit it!
My solution to the backing up issue is to park farther from the store where I can just pull through. No backing up required in either direction. My legs work, I don’t need the closest possible spot (unless I have my mother and/or grandmother with me, but then I get the nice, wide, easy in, easy out handicapped spot because they have placards).
What makes me crazy is the lazy shits that insist on driving around the lot for 20 minutes to get a closer space. By the time they get a space they could have already been in the store and picked up a couple of items if they had been willing to park at the far end of the row. Or the complete jackasses who sit in their cars in the area next to the handicapped spot (the hashmarked area that is for the handicapped person to have room to get out of the car) while their passenger shops.
I do back into spaces sometimes, but not in busy lots where people are watching/waiting for me. I do it at a friend’s apartment when riding somewhere with him because when I arrive the lot is almost empty and it is light out, but when we get back it is much fuller and it is dark out. It is a small lot, designed for 70’s/80’s gas crisis sized cars and half the current tenants have SUVs. It saves time and frustration, in this situation.
It took me a long time to be comfortable backing up a car at all. Early in my driving career I dented someone’s car with my mirror when I was backing up to straighten out my car to give him room to get in his HUGE truck. There were about 15 people watching when I did it, making me really not want to back up again with people around.
You’d loathe my area. They will just sit IN THE TRAFFIC LANE to get that space (not the handicap space, but the regular ones as close in as possible) so they don’t have to walk another few feet, and there’s no room for those of us who aren’t afraid to burn a calorie or three to move around them, so EVERYONE in that lane gets to sit behind the self-centered blockader. I’ve been stuck behind these as long as five minutes. (I know, not enough adjectives. I’m having trouble coming up with suitable venom today.)
The worst is when I’m trying to back out of a parking space in my little ole Cavalier, with two big ole honkin’ SUV’s on either side of me. I can’t fuckin see!! I am backing out very slowly, and some asshole blows their horn at me. Christ on a cracker, give me a chance. Stupid fuckers. I hate horn blowers. Just sit there for 10 seconds and let me back out motherfucker. This never happened to me in WV, but here in south GA, they love to honk their horns. Buncha dumbasses.
Crossroads Road is now on my Kindle.
I’ll be busy tomorrow…
Happy Wednesday, Surfers!
Mike In Oregon says
Mine too (Kindle app to be exact).
How did you find it on Amazon?
WB in OH says
click on Jeff’s link in today’s post. About mid-way through.
Thanks! Got it.
Derr! I have it now too, on my phone. This will be great!
Mine too. I’ve now read 20%.
Making my job self-important is the only way I can justify trading my life and soul for a couple of bucks and free coffee.
Standing by to order the hold in your hand edition of Crossroads Roads
Quite a difference in the prices, I’ll be interested to see the thought process. That is what keeps me from buying more Kindle books; when the difference between a real book and an e-book is $1.50, I’ll go for dead tree every time.
I think that people who block aisles gabbing away should be vaporized.
WB in OH says
Especially when said aisle blockers look at you like you’re wearing a “derby made of turds” when you try to get around them.
I got the death glare for saying “excuse me” when I tried to get past some rich NY bitch (I know she was rich and from NY because of the way she was dressed [no New Englander wears open toed high heels and jeans in February at 11 am on a Sunday] and the car she got into) in a convenience store. So I shoved my way by her and made a rude comment about her to an (obviously) local person who had seen what happened. The store was crowded, I either had to go by her, who was in the same aisle as me, or go to another aisle and still have to ask someone to let me by.
Non-response to “excuse me” by idiots who are standing around in the aisle or walking through the mall at “romantic stroll on the beach” pace makes me want to punch people. I love shopping, but I want to SHOP, not stroll. If I want to stroll, I’ll go for a walk outside.
When I see cheese I always think to myself, “Mmmmm, cheese, would you like to make fuck? Blizzaks!”
Seems like the less money people make, the more anal they are about their positions. Case in point, someone in a guard shack. “No sir, I don’t have a passport and an original birth certificate handy. Can’t I just come on in and leave my trash at the dump?” I bet if he were being paid twice what he’s making he’d just wave people in, without even getting off his stool.
That’s why doctors have to make so much. If they were being paid squat they’d worry everyone sick with “safety” and “rules” and shit like that. As it is, sometimes people die. These things happen. No big deal.
jim britton says
Kindle version purchased!
Got the Kindle version. Who’s Sue?
Why is it always either old ladies or moms that are blocking the aisles in grocery stores? Do women become spatially inept once they’ve had kids or gone through menopause? Or do they just no longer give a fuck about inconveniencing other people?
And I’ll wait on the paperback copy of the book. But I also look forward to hearing the reason for the $9.94 price difference between digital copy and physical copy. I’ve always been a little curious about the pricing model for digital content.
$9.96. I’m apparently inept at doing fairly simple subtraction in my head.
We just don’t give a flying fuck.
Ha, thanks for confirming… I kinda assumed that was the right answer. A few times I’ve been stuck in this situation, and one of the aisle blockers will look right at me and just keep talking.
And what am I going to do, cuss out a mom or an old lady? Hell no, I’m going to sign onto a web site and bitch about it.
Matt in Florence says
Kindle version purchased, and I put a comment on my facebook page so other people would buy it also.
I bet the book would make a great gift.
Matt in Florence says
My mom just bought a copy too! HA! I wonder if she could convince her reader’s circle at church to make it the book of the month.
Got it for Kindle! Can’t wait to get to it. thanks, Jeff!
Speaking of work….all hell breaking loose here. The Wicked Witch of the West just swooped in on her broom.
WB in OH says
Better getcha a big ol’ bucket of water!
Bill in WV says
Shove that broom up her ass, and on a slant.
Buying it now!!
Please give the brain-dead readers (self included )
instructions on how to order the autographed blockbuster first edition of your book before the sequel comes out .Also fellow readers with the Kindle version please keep the plot to yourselves for a while untill we tree killers get our copies !
I will say, as long as I have the option to build a fence & gate I’d do it.
I read somewhere here $20 was the cost so I sent off a check and a ship to address note. Seemed like the thing to do…dunno?
Man, I’ve already read it up to the Table of Contents. I can’t wait til tonight when I can actually read Further.
On another note, I recently watched a documentary on netflix called
The Wild and Wonderful Whites of West Virginia
Has anyone else seen this?? I can’t help but replay scenes in my head and laugh out loud.
Watch it with caution. Tell me what you think of Sue Bob aka the sexy one.
Matt in Florence says
You should look up the first two documentaries about Jesco – the Dancing Outlaw.
All three documentaries are complete schadenfreude.
It was really enlightening! Holy Shit they made my family look really normal. And we are all gun toting okies.
Rat Bastard says
I recently watched it; wasn’t too surprised because that kind of behavior is pretty commonplace back in my old stomping grounds. Definitely watch “Dancing Outlaw” if you can. I do have a suspicion that the film crew for “Whites” might have supplied some of their recreational chemicals in order to get more outrageous footage, just a hunch. The Whites probably didn’t need much help though.
I’ve watched it multiple times. My favorite part is where Kirk is snorting Oxy off the bedside table in the hospital room, and then gets all surprised when they take the baby away from her.
The kids were just sad. Damn broken before they even had a chance.
And Mousy went and got her man…poor dumb bastard.
I’m gonna try and watch the other docs as soon as I can.
Hmm . . . I just read the synopsis on Amazon. Now I wonder whether Jeff is preparing to end all relations with Sunshine, Nancy, Nostrils, et al. or if they were fictitious all along. Either way, it’s nestled in my Kindle now, and I’ll be ordering one of them autographed ones later.
Sidewalk blockers: Once I was running on the (wide) sidewalk path around our neighborhood, and came up to three elderly people walking side-by-side spanning (of course) the whole sidewalk. I figured the one nearest my side would yield me the 1/3 of the path due me, but no, she didn’t move and I almost fell down trying to dodge her.
The next time around I got to about 6 feet in front of them, came to a skidding stop, stood motionless on my 1/3 of the path and stared as she was forced to fall in behind her two active-elderly companions. I continued my run, but unfortunately didn’t see them again. A great day!
Awesome! It does seem that a disproportionate number of sidewalk blockers are elderly. Apparently they think that their age entitles them to take as much space as they want.
Oh, and I bought the nook version. My son can put himself to bed tonight.
Your book has broken my brand new Kindle’s virginity! Can’t wait to read it when I get home!
Great book! 2 hours well spent! No pressure but when can we expect the sequel?
There was a woman from Dunbar, WV on Jeopardy last night–she looked pretty normal to me. Didn’t win. But didn’t look too stupid either.
Bill in WV says
Her name wasn’t Marvene, was it?
Nah. I checked and her name’s Jennifer Carlo. She mentions U of Charleston & soaring with the Eagles.
I’m new here, but… I’m not the nicest guy in the world, but I hold the door open for people. Old, young, male, female, all races, whatever. But those who don’t say thank you or at least nod can promptly jam a razor wire-coated fire poker directly into their anus.
And people who see me coming and refuse to hold the door for me… prison is only a slight deterrent for me at this point. I mean, c’mon, you aloof, selfish bastards…oh, and they can fornicate with their grandmothers.
Am I the Lone Fuckin Ranger on this one?
Casey J says
nothing irritates me juggling my life, 3 kids(one special needs) so just imagine the fuckity fun I am when I go to a store and I hold the door for some asshat that just shrugs by me with no eye contact, no nod, no thank you!! WTF. I am sure to say, loudly, “oh gosh, your very welcome” I speak the truth. That will get you looks.
Plus, I found out as a pregnant woman, men would run to help me out a door, yet a woman would barely glance my way. So…kudos to men. I like you. 🙂
I always let pregnant women ahead of me in the bathroom line, but I rarely go the same treatment when I was pregnant. Men, on the other hand, act as though you are ticking time bomb when you are pregnant, and do everything thing they can to help out. (not that I encountered many of them in the bathroom, but I’m referring to giving up seats and such) Maybe it’s the imminent threat of a gush of amniotic fluid.
Nothing irks me off more than when I generously make space for someone who is trying to merge into bumper-to-bumper traffic, and then the jackhole can’t even stick their hand up in the air for a nice little “thank you” gesture/wave.
Makes me want to ram my Texas license place right up their tailpipe.
I HATE when people don’t say ‘thank you’ when I hold the door for them. It’s always some snoody bitch that walks by me with her nose in the air with the attitude that I was SUPPOSED to do this for her or something. I swear it’s always at Carson’s too. Who gives a shit if its Carson’s? Since when does Carson’s make you a rich snob? I’ve embarrassed my boyfriend on several occasions when I say loudly, “You’re welcome!” As they ignorantly shuffle past me. Fuck that. I could have just let the door slam in your face, but did I? No. Had I done that, you would have been huffing and puffing about how rude I was. So fuck you snoody imaginary bitch I’m yelling at right now!
doctorright, you have come to the right place. And no, you are not the Lone Fuckin Ranger.
Feels good to have a home.
Casey J says
irritates me ‘more’ . That and my spelling skills..
Casey J says
irritates me ‘more’ . That and my spelling skills.. jeesh
You’re cool. Fuk spelling.
You have DEFINITELY found a home.
I’ll be downloading the e-book version when I get home from work today. Since Apple is still being so persnickety, guess I will have to get the Kindle or Barnes and Noble app edition, instead of the iBooks version for my iPad.
I will also purchase the “real” book when it hits the shelves. Hope an autographed version will be available for us Surf Reporters.
-- Steve says
Just got the book – and Amazon has one review on it already!
I have a feeling the Amazon reviews will end up being as entertaining as the daily comments
I hope so!
Crossroads Road is now proudly displayed on my Nook! Looks like I’ll be snuggling in with a good book tonight!
And I promise, no spoilers.
Chuck in Belpre says
Don’t try that door holding stuff in Europe…you’ll be there all day. You might as well change your name to Carlton.
I am a door holder also for women…I was brought up that way. Old-fashioned I know but what of it? The world could use a little chivalry…not to mention a big dose of good taste. It’s not so I can glance at your butt as you walk by. For men coming in behind me I will go through and keep it from hitting them but rarely will I hold it open for another guy.
Aisle blockers should be dope-slapped regardless of age. Same for the asshats who park in the stripey areas.
“It’s Carlton . . . your doorman.”
Heh. I laughed. Hadn’t thought of that in ages.
I always hold the door open for women and older people. It doesn’t upset me when they don’t thank me. Dad always told me, “Always treat people with courtesy and respect — not because they are gentlemen, but because you are.”
Dad died two years ago Tuesday, and I’m still learning things from him. I know you miss your folks as well. That generation had a lot to teach us.
jtb, thank you for sharing your Father’s wisdom with us. I usually get upset over the non thank you, but you and your Father just gave me the proper perspective.
Sorry for the loss of your Dad. My Mom passed away two years ago in May. When a parent passes away, it’s like the most important parts of your life are henceforth wasted into thin air, because our parents are the ones who actually care what happens in our lives.
Kindle version purchased! Can’t wait to get started on it!
lori in cbus says
As soon as I find out how to get an autographed version, I will plunk my money down..I can’t wait Jeff so hurry up and tell us how !
btw, Hi to the other Lori!
$13.95 for the paperback? Man, for that price you’d better be including the Box Scores from the ballgame, lol! Quick question, as I don’t do the Kindle thing, or pretty anything else that isn’t a part of the Flintstones culture, where do I order the book?
BTW, Jeff…have you ever stopped to consider that those two employees were talking about bringing in risers for your book signing? Had you lurked a bit longer, you might have heard, “Yeah, we need risers for some sanctimonious new author that thinks he’s all that, just because he finally got his book published, and now he’s going to lord it over us peons at his book signing!”
Can’t wait to get a copy of the book in my hands. Congratulations Jeff! You’ve deserved this for a long, long time!!!!
halfway through the kindle version…… friggin hilarious!
How do we get an autographed dead tree version Jovis?
Just a few pages in, but it’s already good. And I’ll be keeping an eye out for that autographed paper copy.
Speaking of which, how are people complaining about the price? In these dark times, 13.95 is not an unreasonable price for a book, especially one that’s worth having. I’ve paid more than that for things of less worth, and I’d bet that goes for some of the present company as well.
Signing off; I have an e-book to read.
Joey Jo Jo says
Got the book, very excited to read it!
Bought it on the nook app and I am already 1/4 in.
So happy for you Jeff!!!!!
WB in OH says
Thanks for keeping me up past midnight last night Jeff but I just couldn’t stop, I’ll be sad later today when I finish it, but happy for the rest of you who still get to read it. So far, it’s excelent.
Opening DAY! Mofo’s!!
Root 66 says
GO REDS! (Maybe THIS will be the year of the I-71 World Series!)
Like WB, I was up till midnight reading the book. I finished it and it was great! How do you have time to write a book, work and post updates here? Geez – You da man!
Rat Bastard says
Aisle blockers: around here, they are either old or on “public assistance.” The only shopping that I do in a brick and mortar store is for a paltry amount of groceries, and even then I go to the store late at night or absurdly early in the morning. Less stress that way.
I think I embarrassed myself on the train today, laughing at the depiction of the narrator’s drive south and its many stops and starts. Really enjoying the book Jeff!
It’s now on the Nook. Can’t wait to get started!
Got my Nook version. Just a few chapters in, and it is everything I expected. Excellent!
My grand-daughter keeps asking me what I’m laughing about. I guess my sitting here with a smile on my face is making her nervous.
You are a very funny, very talented man, Mr. K.
I am getting very anxious for my autographed copy of this book everyone is raving about!! I don’t have a Kindle or Nook or whatever! I feel like the bald headed step child that’s always picked last for the team….:(
Me too, bikerchick. I hope it doesn’t get ruint for us by everyone who’s already read it! I think I’m going to order 2 copies. One to read and one (with the signature) to keep.
Me three. Not all of us can afford the latest and greatest technologies. 🙁 And I wish some people on here would quell the urge to reveal what they’re reading, dammit.
WB in OH says
I won’t say another word on the subject. Didn’t mean to come off like a elitist.
It’s kind of like finding the Christmas presents a week before and trying to quell the urge to tell your sisters and brothers what they’re getting for Christmas.
Me also. Only because I consider myself a purist and books must be touched and smelled for maximum enjoyment.
Side note to Jeff. Please take the red head down. I am still creeped from the last time I clicked. Good Lord in Heaven spare us.
T. Farty McAppleass says
The red head is gone. Now there’s a nice new Further Evidence. A man apparently sat in a chair for two years straight, and shat and pissed himself to death. He was “welded” to the chair, with shit and piss, the report says. He had a girlfriend who brought him food and cokes.
I have never seen the WVSR Classic until today. I am wiping tears off my face. That is off the charts funny!!
Lee Harvey Ramone says
I really enjoy 45-minute drum solos and my brand new blizzaks.
Just bought it. Can’t wait to read it.
Downloaded it last night, going to read it this weekend. I’m another tree killer, absolutely must have the signed version.
hot fuzz says
Some of my favorite things about Jeff’s new book (the non-ebook version)
– cover is sanitized for our protection
– centerfold picture of a nude Larry King
– pop up diorama of Dunbar
– scratch and sniff back inside cover that adds to the reading experience
– You can’t tell from the pictures but the cover is fur lined
– removable ninja star hidden inside front cover
– it’s non partisan, non gender biased, non religious and gloriously non sequitur
– why is chapter 3 in Spanish? Another gift from Jeff – he’s teaching us another language
– 15 pages of lesbians drinking beer, eating fire cooked meat and Little Debbies
– removable origami pages that convert in to a stylish bowler hat
– built in electronics so the whole thing can be read aloud by your choice of James Earl Jones, Morgan Freeman, Sam Elliot or Bobcat Godthwaite
– removable 45 flexy vinyl single of the “Friday” song
– coupons for Velveeta
plus many more.
get your copy now!
Speaking of aisle blockers, I had to add this from today’s Wikipedia main page. Ah, April Fool’s Day!
Fanny scratching in 18th-century London’s Cock Lane was so notorious that interested bystanders often blocked the street. It became the focus of a religious controversy between Methodists and orthodox Anglicans, and was reported on by celebrities of the period such as Samuel Johnson. Charles Dickens referred to the phenomenon in several of his books, including Nicholas Nickleby and A Tale of Two Cities, and other Victorian authors also alluded to it in their work. One enterprising resident diverted the crowds that gathered in Cock Lane by allowing them to converse with a ghost he claimed was haunting his home, to which he charged an entrance fee. Fanny scratching eventually resulted in several prosecutions, and the pillorying of a father. (more…)