OK, I admit it, yesterday’s update was supposed to appear at Suggestaholic. But I spent so much time on it, I wanted more than thirty people to read it. Is that so wrong?
I trust it wasn’t too painful? You know, for everyone besides Buck…
Yesterday I logged into an old Yahoo email account, which I hadn’t used in YEARS. I was kinda surprised it was still active, but everything was there, just as I’d left it.
In fact, there was still a message in the drafts folder(!). It was addressed to my friend Tim, and dated 10/27/2003. The body of the email read, “This place is starting to make me feel like Bill Buckner!”
Have you ever revisited a long-abandoned email account? It’s a weird feeling, like walking around a house or apartment where you used to live. I scrolled through the address book, and kept shouting, “Oh, I remember that guy! …Wonder why we’re not friends anymore?”
For about an hour last night, I was convinced the transition was finally complete, and I’d become a character in a situation comedy.
I had to pee, you see, with a red-hot urgency. But because of a series of improbable circumstances, I was repeatedly denied the opportunity. And by the end, I was standing there talking to my boss, looking like Elvis Costello’s first album.
I was peppered with several “Jeff, can you take a look at this?” slippery-slopes, was called into an unscheduled meeting that lasted for more than twenty minutes, and received two phone calls I couldn’t let go to voicemail.
At one point I actually made it to a bathroom, but there was a woman inside with a crash cart. She was wearing rubber gloves, and using a long-handled brush to mop-up the drippins.
“Dammit!” I almost shouted. “Why won’t anyone let me urinate?!”
But I’m happy to report that everything worked out OK. I finally found sweet relief, and was undoubtedly moaning like a porn star for the duration.
And since we’re on the subject… I know we’ve already covered this, but I can’t remember if a conclusion was reached. Do women experience the phenomenon known as “piss shivers?”
I think it has something to do with the sudden loss of body heat (is that correct?), and causes urinators to experience a literal full-body shiver. I assume this happens to women, as well?
Also, is my body heat information correct? Is that what triggers the violent convulsions? Help me out, won’t you?
I believe the Roll Call page is reasonably up-to-date, and we still haven’t had any Surf Reporters check-in from South Dakota or Wyoming. Are any of you reading today’s update from those places? If so, please tell us about it in Thursday’s comments. We need representation from all fifty states.
And even if you aren’t in South Dakota or Wyoming, go ahead and log your location for us — if you haven’t already done so. For some reason it’s kinda fun.
A couple of days ago I told you about a bizarre video clip I’d seen featuring eight nude Japanese women spraying something liquid out of their asses, simultaneously. I mean, the synchronization was impeccable!
Anyway, check out this article that appeared the very next day. Spooky, huh? Thanks to Brad for spotting it.
Nancy and the gang are supposed to be visiting during the coming weekend, but they’re insisting on staying at a hotel. I don’t know what that’s all about… And even though it certainly makes our lives easier, I feel a little weird about it. Ya know?
They’ve used our place as a bed & breakfast inn for years, and suddenly won’t stay here? Wonder what triggered it? I have no idea.
In any case, I’ll leave you with a Question that’s more of an assignment, really. Are assignments OK? They are? Good. I’m planning a complete overhaul of the ABOUT page (long overdue), and want to include, among other things, a glossary of terms.
So, if you guys could help me come up with a list of uncommon phrases, terms, and nicknames used here at the Surf Report — which might confuse new visitors — I’d be much obliged. Definitions would be a plus, as well.
Thanks in advance!
And I’ll see you folks tomorrow.
Fearless Leader says
Tiff’s right on. If ya gotta go, it makes you feel like you need some.
What of it?
I just thought of that one…
Anyone mentioned ‘mangina’ yet?
I can’t recall, because I’m giddy over the LONG SLEEVE TEESHIRTS! Mowst excellent.
Pleased with the long sleeve shirt, too. And just in time for summer!! I kid, I kid . . .
Anyway you could put the design on the BACK? I’m sick of people staring a my moobs.
Have you tried binding your moobs with duct tape? That’s what I do. This old standby also works well, “Uh, my eyes are up here, pervert.”
Shiny Rod says
Jeff – you know I’m good for one.
Jason – Won’t that get in the way of the squirrel hand nipple ring?
Oral Roberts says
I’m full of tumors and don’t even know it.
Dear lord what have I gotten myself into? I can’t give too much detail but I am so grossed out from this morning at the hospital.
It all started when a patient told me to “put some gloves on”.
I had to help a 400 pound guy piss so we could measure what was coming out.
He held up part of his belly while I held up his bellys belly which had to weigh at least 20 lbs, was purple, dimpled and looked and felt like a large brick (yes it was that solid) inside a sock made out of purple turkey skin with one hand while using the other to hold a piss jug up to his wangular area.
As if that wasn’t bad enough right after I poured his piss in the toilet he let go with a silent fart that absoluetely blindsided me. I have a kid and large dogs and it wasn’t my first time in a hospital. Normally I can get past funky smells. But something about this one reallly got to me.
I actually started to heave and for a moment thought I was going to puke in his sink.
I mananged not to and then went to a staff bathroom to sort myself out.
I really had to think about whether or not I wanted to be in this program.
What a day.
Jorge, thank you for making me feel better about my day!
Shiny Rod says
Jorge, I envy you not. That gave me the shivers just hearing about it. I can understand where you are coming from since I use to work in a group home with co-ed clients and had to assist them with all sorts of things that no one should be subjected to without medical license. We had one older client that was going through alzhiemers and he would call for you them when you came in he would stand up and pee on his bed. Some days, his aim was way off and you got it. Then he would get mad at himself and cuss you out or say “Dammit, Leave me alone n-word”. Lots of tongue biting and patience were required.
Shiny Rod says
@Jorge – hows the classes going? I just finished my midterms yesterday. Luckly, I only have one APA paper to do this quarter in HUM400.
Jorge, did you notice if the big guy had a little shiver after he pissed?
Now that’s the most disturbing i’ve read on the internet.
Jorge…all that’s nice and I understand you “can’t give too much detail”…(TF!!)…but, all farting aside,… did he piss shiver? You were on the verge of medicial discovery and your case entry discribes a fart.
I don’t recall a piss shiver, but it may have been masked by my full body shudder.
Shiny Rod- I write one to three APA papers a week. I have a 2-3 pger due on Tuesday, a 1-2 pgr and a 10-15 pger due on Thursday of next week.
I use an MS word add in that does all the formating for me and even builds the bibliography, so I do is fill in the blanks and type.
You can make yourself shiver by stopping the piss mid-stream. If you do it fast enough (start-stop-shiver, start-stop-shiver, etc) you can coax yourself into orgasm.
Make sure you’re hanging on to a handicap rail or something though. I just busted my head open on the toilet tank.
Bill in PA says
He said wangular, huh, huhhuhuh…
What? I’m pretty sure that’s what they called it in Anatomy and Physiology class.
‘wangular’…”It’s an industry term”.
I ordered a long sleeve cuz I like to be different, I like to support the little guy (…ahem…) and I live in Canada. The estimated shirt-order-count was already at 20, + mine makes at least 21 so I’d say the long sleeves are a go!
I just could not do the long-sleeved t.
S GA .. it will be avg 80 here in a few weeks.
I have the short sleeved.
Long sleeved I wanted about 3 months ago.
Not so much now
I’m in Florida. I need a WVSR tank top…
Oh, God. It finally happened. The translucent kids have finally started doing stuff that gets the attention of Enanen!
They can’t stay at your house because they figure that the neighbors will call the cops when the eldest translucent goes running down the street nude and cradling a Hannah Montana blanket.
Or, maybe they’ve been reading about themselves here?
Can you get the shivers from THICK PISS?
Son of Sam says
I got my order in. Brandy I’ll be in Gainesville in a couple weeks for the drag races. See you there?
I’m with Brandy-let me know when you cave and offer tanks or v-necks. Can’t stand things touching my neck.
I believe the correct marketing term will be the WVSR Logoed Wife Beater!!!!
Raymond Babbitt says
Squeezed and pulled and hurt my neck.
Shiny Rod says
Shiny Rod says
@Jorge – let me know where to get the APA plugin, I could use that for the paper I have due in 2 more weeks.
Sounds like a few people here are dealing with a lot of piss at work. I work in a hospital and would prefer piss anyday over a “code brown”.
looking at the shirt count so far – would it be mean to say – jeff -we told you so!!!
Shiny Rod- PERRLA.com. It was $30 well spent.
“Danny Maverick” = a hated commentor.
what’s up old school?
Union City, Pa….No, our reputation is NOT true.