There’s a radio commercial I seem to hear twenty times per day, even though I don’t listen to the radio very often. I don’t know if it’s being pumped directly into my brain, or what… It’s for some kind of unregulated weight-loss smoothie, that would probably cause your heart to collapse, turn shiny black, and snap off. And talk about rapid weight loss!
Of course, as is the case with so many things, I have no idea what I’m talking about. But that’s beside the point… The part that’s memorable (aka annoying) to me is a fake phone conversation that takes place during the ad. It goes something like this:
Woman: Is this the president of the Premature Death smoothie company?
Man: Are you calling about our free offer?!
Woman: So… I’m already swigging your smoothies day and night, and shitting myself into oblivion. I’m down to 72 pounds, and my husband is planning my funeral. He wants me off the smoothies, but I JUST CAN’T STOP! I love them!!
I’m paraphrasing, but that’s the gist of it. And it bugs the everlovin’ crap out of me.
For one thing… she asks if she’s talking with the president, and he never answers her question. He just launches into his spiel, in a forced and fake super-excited tone. He responds to her question by asking a question of his own. And it causes me to frown at my dashboard every time.
Then she doesn’t really answer his question, either. It’s like two completely unrelated conversations, spliced together. She just goes off on some crazy-ass tangent that begins with the word “so.” Why?? Why are people starting their sentences with an inappropriate so, all of a sudden? What do you want for dinner tonight? So, I’m thinking spaghetti. What the shit?
The whole thing is horrible, and causes me to clench-up. And I know they’d have us believe their smoothies taste so great, people want to drink them even after they’ve reached their weight goal. But the woman on the phone sounds like she’s stuck in some kind of addiction spiral. Dr. Drew might have to step in and save her from herself.
Fuck those smoothies. I’d sooner down a tumbler of raw sewage.
Sorry I’ve been away for a few days. I could give you the reason, but it would just sound like whining. And who needs that? The good news: I’m off until Sunday. It feels like a Buick Skylark has been lifted off my shoulders… Good god. Last week easily qualifies for inclusion in the top 10 most stressful weeks of my life. I thought I was headed for a full-blown nervous breakdown.
But enough of that… Something weird happened to me a few nights ago, and I’d like to get your thoughts on it. I was in the break room at work, playing around with my phone. I’d just polished off some perogies from the cafeteria, and was counting down the minutes until I had to return to my desk and start fending for my life again.
And a woman came walking through there, and yelled something to her friend. But I couldn’t understand a word of what she said. She was speaking loud and clear, and was near me when she went off. Yet it sounded like gibberish.
“Does this chick have a mouthful of shit, or something?” I thought to myself. But her friend answered her, and I couldn’t understand what she said, either. My heart started beating a little faster, because I was worried I might be having a stroke, or finally breaking under the pressure. I zeroed in on other conversations around me, and it sounded like the whole world was speaking Dutch, or something.
A lightning bolt of panic went through me, and suddenly it was over. It all snapped into place, and everyone was speaking English again. The gibberish only lasted for a couple of seconds, but it was enough to scare me.
What do you make of that crap? Weirdness, huh?
I’ll see you guys again tomorrow. I’m going to put some real time into the next update, and get back to my roots. I crave normalcy, and today’s been a good start.
Have a great evening, my friends!
Now playing in the bunker
Treat yourself: Monkey-Picked Black Tea.
Foreign language at work? Were you at a home depot in Amish country?
Ya now. Throw the cow over the fence some hay, ya.
true, he is in a state where the Amish abound. He may have a few “drop-outs” working there with him, when the Amish speak they go in and out of Pennsylvania Dutch & “English”……
“…and if you loose too much weight.” Sure, put in the disclaimer this product may work too good. Fat people aren’t stupid; but I guess a certain percentage of them are…
It’s old age.
Selective hearing with idiots? I have that. If I hear someone that I don’t like talking, it’s just a retarded chimp babbling.
Brain scatter.
I don’t know what that’s called, but I get it too once in a great while. I hear just fine what the person said, but the sounds don’t resolve into words. Bizarre.
.
Ok so I milked it and only read it on my 30 min lunches, but I finished your book yesterday & I Love Crossroads Road. My son is now reading it for his book report for next week. So now I’m hungry for more Jeff….
Ok now to read the update above!
Yeah, I hear the Right Size Smoothie ad all the time, too. “Oh, I just wasting away to Ethiopian-level weight, how do I STOP LOSING WEIGHT?!?!”
Bastards.
Go eat with Jeff.
I’m sick and tired of hearing commercials where assholes are selling gold. That’s all you hear on the radio. And on television it’s wall to wall mesothelioma lawyers.
The preggo in the further evidence picture has a nice rack.
I’ve heard very little of anything anyone has said for years. I ignore everyone. Every now and then I hear some grunts, but I just fill in the blanks myself and imagine what they might have said, “HEY! You knocked my baby out of my arms. HEY!” blah blah blah, I don’t have time for it.
“Verbal Auditory Hallucination” – could be nothing; could be due to medication. That sawbones you went to this past summer put you on to any pills?
Yeah, I’ve experienced something similar a few times. The worst was definitely medication-related. I heard what sounded like Italian coming from my husband and the TV. I couldn’t decipher anything whatsoever from the TV. When my husband spoke, my ears heard Italian but my brain understood what he was saying (though I don’t speak the language). It was incredibly weird.
At other times, I just can’t translate noises into words. When there’s something I’m really anxious to watch, I’ll often put the subtitles on, just in case.
I think you had a mini-stroke, but that might be the Jack Daniel’s talking to me. What, it’s bourbon/Tennessee whiskey season, no?
Jeff, I have had similar experiences. I work for a multi-national corporation and have been in meetings that include Indian engineers, Swedes who have somewhat proper British accents, French Canadians with their odd dialect, southern drawls from the Georgia employees, a few Pittsburgh folks, Germans, Russians, Italians, Poles, and more.
At some point, it seems that I am interpreting foreign languages into English I can understand and it is tiring, especially when we are discussing engineering design ideas or technical data.
If I am hung over or too hot, or hungry, or need a cigarette or my caffeine level is too low, I zone out. They might as well be speaking Swahili for a minute or two. Then, I snap back to reality and all is back to normal.
Try hearing nothing but Italian all day. I wish these bastards would learn some English fer chrissakes.
Tell me about it, I lived in italy for two years and they the nicest bunch of fuckoffs I ‘ve ever met
Jeff…
I’ve figured it out. The women WERE speaking Dutch (which is just like German but at a lower altitude); the translation: delta tango foxtrot, delta tango foxtrot, romeo bravo whiskey, romeo bravo whiskey. The good news is that they’re not conspiring to get you fired. The bad news is that they are going to whack you with a poison umbrella because they think you stole Queen Beatrix’ golden cock ring.
Asking why a queen needs a cock ring is like asking why an automobile needs a passenger. It’s not absolutely necessary, but it helps if there’s going to be any copulation going on.
I hope this puts your mind at rest; well, I guess it actually wouldn’t unless you were to return the cock ring promptly.
jtb
Mmmmmmmmmm! Whiskey!
Okay: “D-T-F” I get. But RBW. Is that “Raised By Wolves”? “Ronald Bilius Weasley”? What”
How about “Red-blooded Women”?
I wish I hadn’t failed spanish in school cuz I live in “North Cuba-Mexico-Puerto Rico” (You may call it Florida, the penis of the United States)
man you should see me trying to work with non english speaking people. I just talk louder, shorter words, & I use my hands like I am bringing in a big plane at the airport. usually works, if not, there is pictures.
I zone people out quite often….whether I’m within the conversation or not. I know it’s rude but if someone is droning on and on, it can be a magical moment of escape.
Speaking of hearing shit on the radio….. the morning show I listen to reported that the average size of a man’s penis has reduced 10% over the last 50 years. Uh-oh.
I heard that on Leno last night. It’s probably from all the ball busting.
I thought it was just 10% colder.
Shit, I am almost 48. Does this mean my penis will get about one half inch shorter in 2 more years?
Dammit.
Wow – good thing I’m over 50! I know, I know… but it’s not something I can say very often.
.
Usually when most women talk to me, they wind up sounding like Charlie Brown’s teacher!
Had it been a conversation between men, I would have been a little more worried, but I think you’re going to be OK, Jeff!
Of course, age might have something to do with it, too.
My dad once told a waitress at the restaurant, “You’re talking in 78 and I’m listening in 33 1/3.”* The look on her face was absolutely priceless–she had NO clue! I don’t know what was funnier–what he said, or how she reacted. Either way, we were rolling!
*If you don’t ‘get it’ either, go to a museum and look at the speed selections on a phonograph, or as we used to call it, “record player!”
That is GREAT!!!!
More Unrelated Further Evidence: http://lifestyle.ca.msn.com/health-fitness/news/ick-factor-wouldnt-deter-fecal-transplants
Thanks, just put that under cancer on my list of diseases I hope I don’t catch.
Stratocaster dixieland mongoose is yahoo under sixty-five prairie a truce forget Mannix school can zebra monofilament.
I know, you hear people say that all the time
I think the M in the UN alphabet should be changed from Metro to Mannix in honor of Mike Conners who just celebrated his 87th birthday.
On the other hand, who ever heard of a Mannixsexual?
Nothing is simple.
jtb
I know some people can’t or aren’t allowed to, but that’s why I just keep my headphones in all day and listen to music. If somebody needs my attention they just walk over to my cube. Otherwise I just do my work and rock out.
My husband reports that when he’s too tired, he finds himself unable to understand spoken English (and that’s the only language he speaks).
Why is everyone avoiding the obvious?
Brain tumor.
Yeah, ‘cuz that’s funny….
Annoying commercials–Any commercial, even a really cool one, like a certain perfume commercial that has been aired on tv lately, becomes annoying if is aired 4 times and hour for 2 hours straight. jeeezzz.
As for your quantum shift to Holland, at it’s worst, it could have been a TIA–transient ischemia attack. Not really a stroke because with a TIA, you have the symptoms for a bit then everything goes back to whatever you think of as normal. With a stroke, the damage is pretty much permanent, so the symptom is there to stay, too. Other than that, stress and/or booze on board will sometimes make people sound like Charlie Brown’s teacher. I don’t doubt it could have been some sort of medication effect, either. Say, for instance, a blood pressure pill you took earlier kicked in about then, you had a drop in blood pressure from it, and the relatively suddenly low pressure caused a spasm in your brain that led to the temporary loss of function in the part of your brain that processes speech. If it comes back again, look for a pattern like that, maybe have somebody check your blood pressure if you’re somewhere that it won’t cause an uproar or cost you your job, etc., and let your doctor know.
I would not worry too much about your brain fart. I friend of mine woke up a few weeks ago and tried to write a check and forgot how. Couldn’t tell his left from right and was all discombobulated. He eventually called work, someone stop over his house and took him to the ER. First diagonosis was a mini-stroke but when he went to the neurologist he said it was not a mini-stoke. Probably just a very small seisure of some sort. Told him to resume life as normal and come back of it ever happens again.
I have that all day, but then living in the Netherlands might have something to do with that.