I went to the high school swimming pool a few nights ago, to pick up the older boy from practice, and overheard a snippet of conversation between three teenaged girls huddled near the main doorway:
“And do you know how embarrassing it is to be at a cookout — at your teacher’s house! — and your dad gets so drunk he falls off the back porch?”
I just kept walking with no expression on my face, as required by the Mature Noncreepy Adult Code. But I really wanted to stop and ask a series of probing questions. I wanted the whole story. Ya know?
But, unfortunately, I’m at the exact age for snap “Chester the Molester” assumptions. So I just kept on walking.
I make an X “upper left to lower right, upper right to lower left.” What about you? I’ve seen people start an X from the lower-left, and that’s just so incredibly wrong.
Help me out with this, won’t you? We need an X consensus here. All this bottom-left action is bothering me a great deal. Please tell me none of you start on the bottom-right? I don’t think I could even handle such a scenario.
How do you make an X? Use the comments to verify my correctness in this matter.
The Angry White Guy has a funny post at Mockable today. Check it out here. Apparently my “Sometimes I Shit” update from yesterday didn’t go over very well? C’mon! That thing was hilarious. I’m shaking my tiny Duke head in disappointment…
Do any of you know if there’s such a thing as a Major League Baseball team podcast? I’d be interested in listening to a team’s daily radio play-by-play broadcasts for a small fee.
I think that’s the only way I’ll ever get into baseball again. If I could get the Braves (or Reds) games as mp3s, and listen at work, I think I might be able to reignite the passion. I’ve tried to force myself to watch games on TV, but it never works.
Is something like that available? I went to MLB.com, but there’s so much going on there, my brain almost short-circuited. What do you know about this? It seems like there would be a market for such a thing.
I think I’m going to start ordering cheeseburgers in restaurants, and sending them back because “the cheese is upside-down.” What do you think? All cooks have a great sense of humor, right? I think they’ll get a real kick out of it.
And I’ll close this one out (can you tell I’m struggling?) with another Question. I’d like to hear (read) your stories about falling down. When was the last time you bit the dust? Was it embarrassing? Tell us about it, won’t you?
And if you have any tales about other people falling, like the “dad” above who apparently did a drunken header off the back porch, hit us with those as well.
I slipped on the ice outside my Junior High once, and a thousand kids laughed uproariously. Without giving it even a second’s worth of thought, I stood up and gave everybody the finger. Everybody. In a big, swooping 360-degree circular motion.
And it went something like this: “HAHAHAHAHA(instant silence, furrowed brows).” It’s a wonder I didn’t get my ass kicked, but all I received was furrowed brows pointed in my direction.
Do you have anything to tell about falling down? If so, use the comments link below.
And I’m calling it a week, my friends.
Thanks for reading.
Now playing in the bunker
Grab your Surf Report shirts here!
JTB: Right you are about my use of the word “karma,” now that I have actually looked it up. And I don’t mind being corrected on misuse of words, as it’s one of my own pet peeves to see others butcher the language, so your dickishness is forgiven.
But I don’t think the word “coincidence” properly conveys was I was intending to say (though that is of course what it really was), but I can’t think of a word that does. So I will rephrase it all: “Debra, because we both fell down the exact same way, I believe that shows we are somehow cosmically related in some mysterious way.” (I’m ignoring the fact that Chuck in Belpre also fell down the same way as Debra and I did, so perhaps it’s a very common way for people to fall down, and so it is absolutely meaningless, which of course is the true conclusion.)
And since we’re critiquing one another, JTB, I just want to point out that in your 10:58 post you used the words “a aneurysm.” 😉
Pssttt…Swami, that was Rat Bastard.
Ooops, sorry for pinning the ungrammatical usage on you, JTB. Thanks for pointing that out, WBinOH. No offense, Rat Bastard (but I figure someone who calls himself Rat Bastard doesn’t get offended very easily anyway).
The last time I recall a memorable fall was last winter. The old curling club put on a demonstration at the community park on the pond. First of all, curling on a pond is nothing like what we see in the olympics. Due to the rough ice, it takes a considerable heave to get the stone from one end to the other, which means the stones start out moving rather fast and it takes a little hustle to keep up when you are on the broom. Well I was manning a broom, shuttling as fast as I could sideways in clunky winter boots and tripped over an opponents stone that had cleared the hog line but really wasn’t in play. I tried everything to save myself but eventually gravity overcame me and I went down hard on the ice. My dignity was gone but luckily my Bud Light was close by.
People that use ‘loose’ when they mean ‘lose’ drive me crazy… I know it’s not a biggie but for some reason I want to grab them and shake them.
Thanks, I’m better now.
I like the upside down cheese idea.
A few years back at the local McDonalds A hamburger with added cheese was more expensive than a cheeseburger. So what i did was order a hamburger with added chees, then bitch and moan about being over charged for a cheese burger.
The best part was that the cashier/order taker would usually try to get me to just order a cheeseburger because it was easier for them and cheaper for me. But I would insist that she give me what i want, then proceed to hand them their ass due to the over charge. I think I was the only one who laughed.
Jeff, X’s are exactly like you said. Starting from the bottom is probably how Dahmer did it. Not right at all.
I don’t have a personal falling down story but a good one nonetheless. One of my best friends in high school was a very polished, feminine, snob of a guy. He was what you might call a poofter. Polished and snotty but very sweet. One day in the band hall (yeah we were band geeks) he was gliding along talking about Gucci or Armani or some such topic and tripped full force over a GIANT tuba case and went tumbling down with all four limbs flailing and grabbing.
I admit that I laughed so hard that day that I peed myself. To this day it is one of the funniest things I have EVER witnessed in my life and I generally don’t laugh at falls. For the longest time (and sometimes even now) I would wake up in the middle of the night and play that loop over in my head and howl with laughter. Always the deep, stomach laughter that makes you breathless. I wish I had it all on Youtube.
icecycle66: Sounds like you’ve probably eaten a lot of spit, loogies, and boogers over the years.
@Chuck in Belpre, I agree with the peeve about loose/lose. Gets me growling every time. I also hate the phrase “could care less”. If it’s possible to care LESS, then there must be at least a little concern present. If you’re trying to say you’re totally indifferent (i.e., you don’t care at all), it’s “couldN’T care less”.
I clicked on the bunker cam and hit the back button and quickly as I could! jezzum CROW! i didn’t even see the bottom half, if there was a bottom half. The Man already has blocked so much of what I used to listen to & check in on here, sheesh! if they saw some of the stuff going on in the ol’ bunker – I’d be shut out of the WVSR for good. can’t have that, nossir. Then I’d have to wait until I got home, and that’s just crazy talk.
my X technique: I’m not 100% sure anymore because now I’m hyper-aware and over-thinking it. I think I start at UR to LL, then UL to LR.
I’ve fallen down while carrying an antique dresser drawer full of clothes. Breaking both sides of the drawer out hurt my feelings worse than the scrapes and bruises on my hands, wrists, forearms, knees, etc.
Many years ago, my boyfriend fell on his ass down 3-4 stairs. I didn’t see him fall, but I heard the bump-bump-bump, silence, then “ow.” I ran down the hall to laugh but our apt was so small, he heard me giggling.
And speaking of ungrammatical posts, looking back at one of mine I see the phrase “conveys was I was intending to,” which obviously was supposed to be “conveys what I was intending to.” I wouldn’t bother pointing it out, except for the fact it was a post in which I say “it’s one of my own pet peeves to see others butcher the language.” So I will now call myself a dummy and a ‘tard, as that’s what I usually think to myself of other people when I see them writing poorly. Perhaps I should be more humble on the topic, given that I’m sometimes guilty as well.
X’s JK’s way. Sevens and Zeros crossed-but I spent my early education years in Europe, so maybe that’s why.
Two falls, both while completely sober. With the first one, coming down the stairs with a large box of Christmas decorations, my foot slid out from under me, and I slid on my ass down the entire staircase. A broken tail bone resulted. I would rather give birth again,than have a broken coccyx-amazingly painful.
The other fall I had just left work to pick up my daughter from the airport, I was running late and she was an unnacompanied minor at the time, so I had to GET THERE-slipped on a puddle of mud just outside the office building and broke my ankle. The “smokers” came to my rescue (love you, smokers!), Then the VP of the company (after half carrying/dragging my fat ass to his BMW-so embarrassing) took me to the hospital and a co worker picked up the child.
Good times.
I make the X like you do, Jeff.
My spectacular fall – on vacation after visiting mother in law, and flight with cocktails to Bahamas, we settle in with yet another glass of champagne at Sandals Royal Bahamian Resort. For some reason, (which the alcohol seems to have blotted out) Beloved and I were holding hands and dashing back to our room when I fell to my knees still clinging to Beloved’s arm and he was still moving. All people saw was a lady on her knees, her arm being yanked out of its socket then sprung back slingshot style after Beloved let go. The next time you see that commercial in front of the Sandals pool, think of me. And laugh!
Swami — no offense taken. I’ve been hitting the sauce all day, so I’ll blame that or my Western PA public school education.
JTB — Yep, the Lightning was a 650. Our drummer has a Triumph Bonneville — 1970 I believe — that I would borrow in a heartbeat for tomorrow’s marathon of bodily abuse, but now that I’m getting a little bit older I guess I know better.
Chuck in Belpre, I agree with the lose/loose thing. Ihad a friend who was dating a real dickhead and she would IM me “I don’t want to loose him” and all I could think was “Cut this asshole lose”
Falling down is never funny when it is YOU. Especially when you get hurt. Jeff, you were so right to give everyone the finger when they laughed at you.
I had a fall from a crooked sidewalk, almost a year ago. I fractured my ankle and damaged some tendons in my right shoulder. It is still not completely healed, but luckily I had the presence of mind to contact an attorney the same day it happened. The attorney is quite confident in the case and, although it’s taking a long time, I should be getting about $15,000 to $25,000 in settlement here pretty soon!
X = upper left to bottom right, upper right to bottom left like any normal person
O = counterclockwise
I also cross my 7’s; not sure why? military school perhaps?
couple summers ago I was coming up the stairs from my basement bathroom after a shower one morning, bathrobe folded over my arm; second step up stepped on hanging bathrobe in mid-step, right foot slid out from under me while my left foot on the bathrobe held my left arm down preventing me from catching myself – crashed into the damn railing RIGHT where the holder thingy with the little knurl on it that sticks out is with the left side of my head right between the temple & the eye socket – damn near knocked me out – then proceeded to slide back down the carpeted stairs on my bare knees – had a killer black eye & hamburger knees from the rug burn – for how much I drink to think this was about the worst spill to date & stone cold sober ta boot –
When I’m making a single X, I start at the top right.
When I’m jotting down my name, I start at the top left.
I wipe out all the time – I mtn bike, rollerblade, snowboard etc – none of which I am good at. – also am extreme klutz – bad combination. But for unrelated falls, the worst was many years ago, was at a big social function (alcohol not a factor though) as I left some guy propositioned me and I told him ‘in your dreams’ – turned around and fell on ice down 5 stairs – my friends call me Gracy.
I have no clue how I make letters/numbers but will think about it next time I write.
Jeff – why are you always at arms with the fast food community – you are obviously just looking for trouble. Are you allowed back in the local Subway yet?
there was a holocaust?
@Madz1962 – =8^-)
Just remembered my funniest fall.
Spring Break, South Padre Island…My friends and I, got our usual stinking drunk laying on the beach in the afternoon. Around 5 or so we would go back to our rooms and clean up for the evening. I was last to get back down to the hotel bar (Sheriton I think), and this place had the indoor/outdoor pool that came right up to the bar. Well I was a lot drunker than normal and ended up stumbling into the pool. I climbed out and realized my spectacles were still laying on the bottom, so back in after them. This of course is followed by a standing ovation from about 100 onlookers as I made my way to the elevator to change clothes.
There is more to the story but it’ll have to wait until the question of the day is about public nudity/most embarrassing moment.
I make my X’s by drawing a small “v” up top and then an upside-down “v” under it. Just kidding, that would be fucking batshit. I do my X’s the same way as Mr. Kay. If you start from the bottom then I think it says something about your personality. Maybe you’re a sex offender or something (I haven’t read the comments yet so cut me some slack if I offend you).
I had a terrible fall in January. My gerbile was sitting on a kitchen stool as I changed a bulb and I slip and fell. And I don’t know what happened, but the gerbile ended up in my ass and I had to go to the emergency room to have the clawing and scratching thing removed. Freak accidents – whaddaya gonna do? You guys believe me, right? I’d never do the Richard Gere thing, and I’ve never had several cups of semen pumped from my stomach, and I’ve never choked on a ham sandwich. Whatever. Don’t judge me, motherfucks.
x’s the jeff way, as does the rest of the clan here in the big bear nation (5 people surveyed). Only fall I can remember is in a Las Vegas parking garage, tripped over an invisible shoelace right into a huge mud puddle.
I make my X the JK way.
I always start laughing uncontrollably when I see someone fall down. It got me in trouble so many times. I seem to have the same effect when I read about people falling down. All very funny!
My sweet husband once tripped over a cord on a beam in an attic and on the way to falling through the ceiling caught himself on cross beams by his armpits. In the process he took every bit of hide off his ribs from the top of his pants to the afor mentioned pits, then due to extreem pain he let go and continued to fall onto a stack of desks and chairs on his way to the floor. He gimped home in rags, bleeding from about 50 % of his torso and was hard pressed to shower, wear underwear or jeans or sleep well for a good week.