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A Whole Jacked-Up Mess o’ Stuff

March 12, 2010 By Jeff 66 Comments

To answer Wednesday’s question, about the brick-hard iced tea I was served (details here), I noticed it was completely ice free around 10:40 pm.  So, it took more than seven hours, underneath a lamp, for the thing to return to its natural beveragey state.

And I think someone needs to come in and adjust the settings on that vending machine, stat.  I mean, seriously.  That shit’s running wide-open.  There’s a big difference between cold, and… vitrification.

I was planning to do something a little different yesterday, but real life (once again) threw a body-block on me.

I had to take the younger Secret to a doctor’s appointment, for one thing.  A yearly checkup.  And I hate going into those pediatricians’ offices, because it always feels like I’m sitting inside a swirling vortex of microscopic poop and vomit spores.  Every breath, I’m convinced, is another lungful of diarrhea mist.

But so far I’m OK.  I know the incubation periods for diseases vary, but nothing has happened within the first twenty-four hours or so.

The doc asked our son a series of safety-related questions, including “What’s the first thing you do when you get into a car?”  And “What do you wear while riding a bike?”  Then he wanted to know our boy’s favorite food.

“Apples,” the Secret said, and I think I actually snorted.  Talk about telling someone what they want to hear.  Outrageous.

Everything checked out, and the kid was declared “healthy.”  So we went across the street to Wendy’s to celebrate with burgers, fries, and Cokes.  Seemed appropriate to me.

It’s starting to feel like spring up here, and the concrete-hard snowpack is dwindling away.  Our dog Andy (Black Lips Houlihan, Snoop Manny Mann, Mr. McDingles) is used to our yard being elevated, slick, and solid.  And now he’s running into problems.

Whenever he ventures outside his urination trough, you see, the snow can no longer support him.

So he’ll be walking along and his front legs will plunge through the ice, and his face mashes against the ground.  Or just one of his legs will give way, and he’ll go radically out of balance.

One time I saw him get into such a contorted mess I thought I was going to have to go rescue the poor hound.  I believe his left front and rear right legs collapsed, and the other two were still on the surface.  For a few seconds he looked like a severely handicapped crab.

But I think the snowpack is on its way out.  Within a week it’ll be gone, and I’ll have to find something else to bitch about.  I’m confident I’ll be able to rise to the challenge.

Thursday, Friday, and Saturday are usually my days off, but I have to work tonight.  A bonus round.  There’s a “special project” going on, and it’s all hands on deck.  Including us pampered, fat-ass management types.

It’ll be fantastic.  By the end of the night I’ll probably need a mobility scooter.  We’re going to be doing the equivalent of digging a big hole, then filling it back in.  My nipples are exploding with delight.

But tomorrow morning (after a few hours of tortured sleep) I’ll be riding inside a green Camaro, in the gargantuan Scranton St. Patrick’s Day parade.  This is no half-assed event, it’s a huge party known locally as “Parade Day.”  People come from out of state to participate in the debauchery.

I was invited by Chevy (if you can believe it) to ride along with them, and fire off Twitter tweets throughout.  Should be interesting, and fun.  I hope some of you will follow along, via Twitter.  And, of course, I’ll post an in-depth article about it next week, complete with photos.

The parade starts at noon, and I’m supposed to be “at the Camaro” by 11:15.  So, if you’re around a Twitter page at that time….  I hate to even type these words, ’cause they sound kinda douchey, but I’d appreciate a few retweets, etc.  That’s right, retweets.  I said it.

Then on Saturday night I’ll be participating in our loose-knit #SottedSaturday Twitter group.  You’re all welcome to join us, if you’re, you know, sotted on Saturday.

Next week I’m going to record a second podcast.  I wanted to do it yesterday afternoon, but everything went (as the Brits put it) pear-shaped.  My goal is to post one every other Friday, and that’s what I’ll be shooting for.  Starting next Friday.

If you have any real questions you’d like answered, let me know.  Otherwise, I’m just going to start telling stories.  And I’m fixin’ to approach someone about a Skype interview, as well.  Of course I’ll have to buy one of those Garth Brooks clip-on microphones, and up the douche-factor even further…

But I’m way past caring.

Before I get to the Question of the Day, I’d like to alert you to a couple of new projects by Friends of the Surf Report.

First is a just-launched blog by Aaron Starmer.  He and I were partnered-up by National Lampoon, to write a proposal for a book they ultimately passed on.  Here are the sample pages from that proposal, and I think they’re pretty damn funny.

…Hey, their loss.

Anyway, Aaron’s first novel was recently released, and he now has a new blog.  I hope you’ll support both.

Also, Jason Mulgrew’s first book was published a few days ago.  I have my copy, and you should go buy four or five, as well.  Jason is, as they say, funny as all hell, and I’m looking forward to reading his twisted memoir.

And finally… when the Secret and I were returning from his doctor’s appointment yesterday, some guy in a huge, black Tony Soprano SUV ran me halfway off the road.  He kept drifting out of his lane, and causing all sorts of trouble.  I don’t know if he was drunk, or what.  But I didn’t care for any of it.

As I shouted nonsensical profanity at the guy, and waved my arms around, I saw that he was driving something with a really weird name.  I can’t remember it now… I think it started with an E.

And where do carmakers come up with those model names anyway?  In a lot of cases I think they just make up new words (Lumina? Firenza?).  And some are just straight-up bizarre (Touareg?)

Are they running out of ideas at this point?  Well, I think we need to help them out…

In the comments section, please list your suggestions for new car models of the future.  I’ll get the ball rolling with a few of my own, and you guys can take if from there.  OK?  OK.

Pontiac Carcinoma
Hyundai Regret
GMC Pierogi
Volkswagen Sot
Ford DeVito crew cab

Thanks for reading, and I’ll see you guys next time.

Have a great weekend!

Now playing in the bunker

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Comments

  1. clintcurtis says

    March 13, 2010 at 1:29 pm

    If he isn’t lying about his weight, I would assume he’ll be in the one that looks like a low rider.

    Reply
  2. Uncle_Wedgie says

    March 13, 2010 at 1:35 pm

    I made it up to the Abington Heights High School Band and could not take it anymore. I mean it is a rockin parade and all but…

    Reply
  3. Alice in WV says

    March 13, 2010 at 9:29 pm

    did they put a smoking fish sign on the side of the Camaro at least?

    Reply
  4. Brittney says

    March 13, 2010 at 11:01 pm

    Toyota Ohshit
    Hummer Lilween
    Chevy GLWTT (Good luck with that headgasket)
    VW Weiner Schnitzel
    Hyundai Lovemelongtime

    Reply
  5. dto says

    March 13, 2010 at 11:07 pm

    Renault Facade

    Reply
  6. dogberryjr says

    March 14, 2010 at 11:32 am

    One more and I’m done:
    The Hummer Compensator

    Reply
  7. hot fuzz says

    March 14, 2010 at 2:15 pm

    apologies if already said….

    Hummer HummJob
    Namco Buttrider – Namco (National Motor Company of Greece, thanks Wikip)
    Hummer Cummer
    TATA Deathtrap
    Vespa Emasculator
    GTO DTO Dickjoke
    Porche Boxie OMG version
    Ford Fistula
    Ferrari Tu Mamma
    Greyhound Decapitator

    Reply
  8. Limey says

    March 14, 2010 at 7:11 pm

    Fiat Gesticulate
    Renault Shrug
    Cadillac Deficit
    Tata Poppadum
    Toyota Yawn
    Chevrolet Rattle
    Mercury Flounder
    Lexus Reserve
    GMC Why
    Land Rover Mall

    Reply
  9. chill says

    March 14, 2010 at 10:04 pm

    Cadillac Poseur
    GMC Flux
    Renault Ennui

    Reply
  10. t-storm says

    March 14, 2010 at 11:09 pm

    The Ford Kumquat
    Chevy Ithorian
    Martin Short

    Reply
  11. stuart says

    March 15, 2010 at 7:50 am

    I believe Firenza was supposed to be based on the word Firenze, which is the Italian name for Florence (a city, not an old broad’s name).

    I do not know what some crappy American economy car has to do with the center of the Renaissance, but someone in “marketing” thinks that it sells cars.

    So there you go.

    Reply
  12. Limey says

    March 15, 2010 at 10:11 am

    And the Mitsubishi Starrion was supposed to be called the Stallion but there was that Japanese mixing up of R’s and L sounds.

    Reply
  13. chill says

    March 15, 2010 at 11:11 am

    Ages ago Car and Driver did a piece about “dull cars named after exciting places”. The list included the Chevy Monte Carlo, Dodge Aspen and Pontiacs Bonneville and Le Mans.

    Reply
  14. Limey says

    March 15, 2010 at 11:44 am

    I doubt the Chevy Malibu is the vehicle of choice for Malibu residents, however Malibu might be the tipple of choice for the trailer park residents who drive Chevy Malibus…

    Reply
  15. John in the gump says

    March 15, 2010 at 12:06 pm

    Here’s something for the further evidence link.http://news.ninemsn.com.au/world/1027360/woman-aims-to-become-worlds-fattest . Jesus, Horatio Christ. How about universal healthcare for her. Runs after her daughter, BULLSHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Reply
  16. icecycle66 says

    March 15, 2010 at 12:42 pm

    I wonder if Jeff fell out of the car. TUCK AND ROLL, TUCK AND ROLL!

    Reply
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