The West Virginia Surf Report!

Jeff Kay's Ridiculous Adventures In Suburbia

A White-Knuckle Ride Home, and a Few ‘Awful Super Groups’

By 101 Comments

When I arrived at work on Sunday the place was a-buzz with snow-talk.  I knew nothing of this, and Toney is usually all over such things.  Some of the more dramatic people were claiming that a foot of the stuff would be on the ground by morning.  But snow predictions are like politics, it’s best to ignore the crazies on both ends of the spectrum.

I checked it out on my phone, and it appeared that some snow was indeed on its way, but only about three inches.  The timing wasn’t good, though.  Accuweather said it would be coming down “heavily” after midnight, and that’s when I would be driving home.  But I could deal with three inches, I told myself.  Nothing to be concerned about…

However, as the evening progressed, the prediction of accumulation changed multiple times.  It went from three inches, to four-to-six, to six-to-eight, and finally… eight-to-ten.  What the hell, man??  And my gas light had come on in my car, as I was pulling into the parking lot earlier in the day.  It might be an interesting ride home.

And it was.  When I left work, there was already four or five inches of snow on the ground, and NONE of the roads had been touched by a plow.  It was just pure, undiluted snow for the entire ride.  And it was coming down like a freakin’ Christmas special out there.

I slipped and slided my way to an exit off I-81, where there was a Sheetz gas station.  The exit is a long swooping ordeal, and it appeared that not another vehicle had yet negotiated it.  There was a pronounced rectal-cinching.

But I kept my car on the road, and eventually came to a red light.  Funk dat.  I went straight through it, without even a hint of slow-down.  And when I arrived at the next red light, I did the same thing.  While driving in a snowstorm, it’s important to maintain a sensible and consistent speed.  And I was the only idiot out there, anyway.

Incredibly, there was a bunch of derelicts hanging out at Sheetz.  There’s a general seediness to that part of town, but during the storm of the century??  There was a questionable character by the front door with a long scar down his neck, and a green Army jacket.  He was smoking (needless to say), and just stared at me as I walked past.  Not a fan of the staring…

I gave the unfriendly shitsack cashier thirty bucks cash, and put a few gallons of gas into my tank.  As I was completing the task (it didn’t take long, at $3.25 per gallon), several hunk o’ junk vehicles arrived, carrying dodgy characters with poor grooming habits, and raspy-voiced women with high heels and a beer gut.

I made it out of there without being stabbed, and returned to Interstate 81.  And mister… it was not fun.  It was just totally snow-covered, and nothing had been done to the road, whatsoever.  It was still pouring, and cars and trucks were sliding all over the place.  I saw a few that were completely off the highway, and I watched a guy in a pick-up truck do a full 360-degree rooster-tailing circle — on 81!  Actually, it was more like a 390-degree circle, and he ended up near (or against) the guard rail.

Going across Montage Mountain sucked, and every muscle in my body was in a state of perma-flex.  I didn’t think I would crash, but I knew there was a very good chance of me getting stuck somewhere.  I’m not inexperienced when it comes to driving in snow, and was having trouble keeping it under control.

But I made it to my exit, and went sideways up the hill toward our house.  That was the most touch-and-go part of the whole journey.  I barely made it, but I finally landed in our driveway.  As I turned off the engine, I realized I was completely stressed.  It had taken more  than 90 minutes to travel 36 miles (with one gas station detour).

I went inside, grabbed a Yuengling, and let Andy (Black Lips Houlihan) frolic in the snow, and create a steaming brown spot in the white, etc.  There must have been near a foot of accumulation at that point.  It was insane.  And just two or three days earlier, it was 75 degrees out there.

Yeah, it was the worst or second-worst ride home from work so far.  But I made it, without needing fresh underwear and ointment, like Nostrils during a Southern rainstorm.  I want the record to reflect that, thank you very much.

And I’ll leave you now with some Twitter ridiculousness.  A couple of days ago someone started something called #awfulsupergroups, where you’re supposed to post absurd musician combos, like Boyz II Men at Work.  You know, that kind of thing.

My favorite?  Phish Styx.  Yeah, I wish I would’ve thought of that one…  That’s fantastic.

I got fully obsessed with it for several hours, and posted a bunch of stuff there. Here are my contributions, in case you care:

The Peter, Paul, and Mary Chain
REM Speedwagon
The Talking Lemonheads
Three Dog Night Ranger
Can Halen
My Chemical Hole
The Butthole Stripes
The Fall & Oates
Cannibal Corpse & Dawn
B.B. Top
A Flock of Cee-Lo
Men Without Dickies
Husker Who
Iggy & the Pips

And that’s gonna be your Question of the Day, folks.  Can you come up with additional “awful super groups?”  Please use the comments link below.

And I’ll see you again tomorrow.

Have yourselves a great day!

Now playing in the bunker
Follow the Surf Report at Twitter!

Reader Interactions

Comments

  7. I love snow driving. Late night highway snow that has not be touched by another car is a joy among joys. But, I know everyone doesn’t feel the same way. Glad you made it home safe anyway.

    Sheetz can be one extreme or the other. In some neighborhoods it’s a collection point for the under-achieving. But I really like their food.

    Reply

  19. We were forecasted to get rain. Instead we got 8″ snow. And PennDOT dropped the ball, as per usual.

    I got nothing on the band names. Maybe when the headache clears.

    Reply

  21. In Belpre they only salt and cinder the intersections. So when you go around a corner you think it’s gonna be ok then you hit the untreated section. It can be a sphincter tightener.

    Reply

  22. Here are mine from yesterday. Phish Styx is my new favorite though:

    AC/ZZ
    The AeroSmiths
    Garth, Brooks, n’ Dunn
    The Alan Jackson Five
    The Alan Jackson Project
    Styx n’ Stones

    Reply

  23. Jeff kind of car are you driving that sucks so much in the snow??….an ’84 Camaro with bald, fat tires? I thought you drove some form of 4 x 4 SUV like a Blazer?….a vehicle that was okay i snow?

    Reply

  26. Rage against the Machinehead
    Beastie Backstreet Boys
    The Mighty Mighty Deftones
    Widespread Panic at the Disco
    Counting Black Crows
    Dexy’s Midnight Doobie Brothers

    Reply

  28. Olivia Newton-John Bon Jovi
    Wu Tang Wham!
    Blink 182 Seconds to Mars
    Buck Cherry Poppin Daddies
    Limp Disco Biscuits
    The Grateful Megadeth
    Savage Soundgarden
    Steely Dan Fogelberg
    Third Eye Blind Melon

    …

    Reply

  31. The snow in Pittsburgh came right at rush hour. Perfect timing. Live in Pittsburgh?? Then you should know how to drive in the snow. Not the case. I think as soon as it started snowing, everyone with rear wheel drive decended on the poor people…like myself…just wanting to get the fuck home from work. It was insane. The 2″ – 4″ inches as forcasted ended up being 8+ inches. My little dogs don’t even want to go outside. I guess if I had to stick my whoo-ha in over a half a foot of snow to take a pee I wouldn’t be too excited about it either.

    Reply

  32. Blood, Sweat and Tears for Fears
    The Byrds and the Bee Gees
    Derek and the Fats Domino
    Kool and Bloodhoung Gang
    The Grass Rusted Roots
    Hootie and the BlowPhish

    This is fun, but I’m running out of ideas…my mind has gone blank…

    Reply

  46. Ricky Nelson Riddle
    Bill Monroe and the Bluegrass Pet Shop Boys
    Johnny Cash McCall
    Motley Cutting Crew
    Tony Orlando and PM Dawn
    Southern Culture Club on the Skid Row
    Boston Kansas
    Confederate Grand Funk Railroad
    MC Hamilton, Joe Frank, and Reynolds
    Beatle Farmers
    Buddy Holly and the Sex Pistols

    Reply

  48. Good Afternoon Surf Reporters……

    Yeah, the snow ( in Pittsburgh area ) yesterday was a bit unexpected, but 24 hours later, a lot of it is already melting away. Prolly gone by the weekend.

    A couple of my ideas have already been posted
    ~Steely Dan Fogelberg
    ~Grateful Dead Kennedys

    How about…

    Cream Korn
    Hannah Santana
    The Police Cars

    Reply

  49. Peter, Paul and the Raiders
    Argent Tina Turner
    The Thompson Twin Lizzy
    REO ABBA
    Pete Seeger and the Silver Bullet Band

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *