Hello, Surf Reporters! Sorry I’ve been away for a few days, but I needed to take care of some stuff. My life was a chaotic mess, and I had to bring some order to it. My OCD was flaring-up, and it was not pretty. I was about to lose my goddamn mind.
So, I took a vacation day on Wednesday, and spent almost five days trying to get a handle on things. It was early to bed, early to rise, no alcohol, and almost every waking moment spent doing something productive. I was in bad need of a reboot, and feel a lot better now. Much, much better.
Here’s a sales page I designed (with a little help from a friend), for Crossroads Road. Eventually I plan to have a large block at the top of the WVSR sidebar – where the notice for A Convenience Story now resides. It’ll lead folks to this new sales page, and hopefully the purchase of an inexpensive, yet hilarious, novel. Ahem.
And speaking of inexpensive… I’ve temporarily dropped the price on the electronic versions of the book to an insane 99 cents. That’ll be in effect until June 10. One of the benefits of this self-publishing deal is that you can easily play around with pricing, to see what works and what doesn’t. Some people have had great success at 99 cents, so I thought I’d give it a whirl for a couple of weeks. We’ll see how it goes.
If you know any fence-sitters or hemmers and hawers, please let them know that now’s the time…
Also, I bought a bus ticket to New York City, and will be leaving early Friday morning. I’m going there to meet with some folks (purposely vague) about the marketing of my book. It should be an interesting day. I’ll also be having lunch with my agent, to discuss the next project. I need to remain on this “always productive at all times” jag, and cause some big changes. I ain’t kidding. As my spiritual adviser, Paul Westerberg, once said, I’m unsatisfied.
But enough of that crapola…
You guys will be happy to know that we’ll be having “visitors” twice during the coming weeks. Nancy and the gang will be stopping in for brief visits on their way to Canada, and on their way back home. During one of those weekends we’ll be going to Knoebels with them. And man, that should lead to some great stories…
Last time, Nossy ate a wide swath through that park, and threw an animated hissy-fit because Nancy distracted him, and caused his funnel cake to cool off before he could finish it. “I like my funnel cake piping hot!!” he shrieked, before snorkeling it down, storming off in a huff, and buying another one.
He also ate at least one pickle on a stick, and nearly every other food item for sale there. And afterward, when we were back at our house, Eninen complained that Knoebels is far too expensive. Ha!
I’ll be making the new updates available only to Surf Report VIPs. And you guys know who you are…
On Sunday I was talking with somebody (also purposely vague) who told me he discovered a tick on his scrotum. He took a pair of tweezers and tried to pull the thing out, but it wouldn’t let loose. And he said, “Man, you’d be surprised how far you can stretch a scrotum. I’d say there was a good six to eight inches of play.”
Heh.
On Saturday I took my blood pressure at one of those self-serve stations, at Sam’s Club. Yep, 137/68. Not bad, huh? Last time I had my cholesterol checked it was “normal,” as well. How is this possible?
I don’t know, but every time I use one of those public squeezin’ cuffs, it makes me think of the scene in Dawn of the Dead where some guy is using a blood pressure machine in a mall, and can’t get his arm out when the zombies are bearing down on him. So he starts dragging the entire apparatus across the floor. Yeah, it didn’t end well for that poor son of a bitch…
Wonder how many people get false high readings because of that association?
And speaking of freaky movies, Toney and I watched Black Swan on Saturday night. It was interesting, but I can’t begin to understand what the hell happened. Well, maybe I can begin to understand, but I’d probably be way off in the end. Did you see it? What are your thoughts? I think I hated it, but it’s possible that I really liked it. I’m just not sure.
And finally, I was told a story about one of my cousins, who was reportedly driving through Chicago on a major interstate highway, and got a powerful shit cramp. He supposedly pulled his truck to the side of the road, jumped from behind the wheel, shuffled backwards toward the guard rail while ripping his pants down, and blasted diarrhea deep into the scrub brush. I was told this happened in the city, during the middle of the day, under bright sunlight.
Yeah, and it might very well be exaggerated, or a full-blown fabrication. The source is highly questionable… But I’d like to turn that into our Question of the Day, anyway. In the comments section, please tell us your stories about someone that needed to get to a bathroom RIGHT NOW. It can be about you, or somebody you know. It doesn‘t really matter, does it?
Many years ago, my mother was with a co-worker at the mall in Charleston. And after a hearty lunch at Steak Escape, the other woman said she needed to get to the ladies room without delay. They started riding up the escalator to the food court, and the woman suddenly clutched her stomach and grunted, violently pitched forward, and shit her pantsuit.
And I was with a girlfriend once, on our way to a picnic at Hawk’s Nest, way up on top of some crazy mountain in WV. She said she had to pee, but there was no place to stop; we were out in the middle of nowhere, and she certainly wasn’t the type to just back up to a guard rail, like my cousin. Before it was over, she was howling and speaking in tongues, and eventually reached into our picnic basket and grabbed a bottle of Heinz ketchup. She put it between her legs, and was grasping the neck of that thing, like she trying to bring an airplane in for a crash landing. Man, I’ve never heard such caterwauling…
I can’t think of too many personal stories. During a high school class in eleventh grade I needed to visit a urinal — with a Biblical urgency — but the teacher (a woman who hated me with every fiber of her being) said no. So, I went back to my desk, and squirmed for a few minutes. Finally, it reached a point where it actually hurt, deep in my abdomen. So, I got up and left the room. The teacher was screeching at me as I exited, but that was the least of my worries. I Charlie Chaplin-waddled to the bathroom, and found sweet relief. For something like three minutes.
And when I returned to the classroom, the old bitch said, “What are you on?!” Right in front of everybody, announcing that I must certainly be funky on the junk. You know, because I had to pee real bad. She was the second worst teacher I ever encountered, and I knew a bunch of ‘em.
Now it’s your turn. Please use the comments section below to tell us your desperate-for-a-toilet stories, or to chime in on any of the other stuff in this ridiculous update.
And I’ll be back in the middle of the night on Monday (early Tuesday morning).
Have a great holiday, boys and girls!
Now playing in the bunker
Read Crossroads Road on your Kindle!
Morning all!
Got nothing on shitting myself, or other people shitting/wetting themselves.
I might do at some point though, since the ace up my sleeve in any workplace disciplinary scenario involves crying, fainting and wetting/shitting myself. In that order.
I think its pretty clever.
I would start a rumour that it was connected with a botched penis reduction operation. That would certainly add some spice to the usual workplace gossip.
Upon my return to work, when I was ready of course, I’d be the new enigma on the block!
I saw the new ‘True Grit’ at the week end. T’was good.
Isn’t ‘Black Swan’ about ballet?
‘Heh!’
I’ve lived in the same county for much of my life (I’ve left for a year or two here and there, but always returned), and know most of its highways and byways. When I was a young man I could drive nearly the length of the county (60 miles or so) between the time I felt a tingling and the time I absolutely needed to piss. As the years have passed, however, that time has grown shorter and the county more crowded.
By now, I know just about every grocery that has a public rest room, which restaurants have easily accessable bathrooms, which gas station toilets don’t require a key with a three-foot 2X4 attached, which construction sites don’t lock their port-a-potties, which large roadside trees offer visual privacy from the highway, which business don’t have a strict “employees only” policy concerning urination, and which park-and-rides have a piss-and-ride.
While I used to check for pretty girls while driving, I’m now on the lookout for potential future pissing sites. It’s a sad state of affairs all around. Of course, after hours, if I’m in the neighborhood and really need relief, I can just use the vestibule of the local Michele Bachmann campaign office. Timing is everything.
jtb
Just when I thought I missed ya you bring up politics.
where the hell have you been?
Probably signing up “guest of out country” to vote for B.H.O.
Sam…
Hey, that wasn’t politics. That was just a shoutout to my right-of-center Reporter colleagues to let you know that I missed you as much as I missed my left-of-center Reporter colleagues: all three of them.
jtb
Chuck…
My calendar got messed up. I thought the Rapture was scheduled for APRIL 21, so I hauled a pallet of smoked salmon and Ritz Crackers into the woods so Jesus could find me easier. When the bears had finished off the salmon and MAY 21 had passed, I figured I got left behind, so I came back to celebrate with the rest of the sinners.
jtb
Chuck…
My system got badly attacked by malware, virusware, spyware, underwear, and ready-to-wear. Took me a month to try to save all my data, give up, and rebuild my system from scratch. For an IT guy, I’m pretty maladroit at PC and web stuff. Figures: I’ve spent most of my time in management.
jtb
if i were closer i woulda done it for ya. i been doing that for relatives for the last week or two so i got it down to an hour. got another one to do tomorrow.
try this program to make an image. you can browse the image and pull out separate files if you want or restore to your HD just like it was. i like it a lot. saves a ton o’work.
http://www.runtime.org/driveimage-xml.htm
and don’t worry…the rapture has been rescheduled.
cheers!
Chuck…
Thanks for the link and the resource. I’ll set myself up to use it. Probably a little preferable to looking under old shit in the closet for original install discs.
jtb
I guess the CEO of Rapture dude forgot about leap years and the daylight savings thing. Arizona will have to go back and do the math since they don’t do the time change thing. And we might find out later he’ll just have to go with the Mayans and hope for the best. There’s also the possibility the BIG Cheese raputre dude showed up at the wrong galexy and wiped out the wrong planet.
Cool. Hey I missed ya too. I even asked about you and Shiney Rod a week or so ago.
Welcome back keep up the good work.
Even for a lefty you crack me up.
BHO had some great hits back in the day, Taking care of business fits right into this post.
…and working overtime.”
jtb
Welcome back, jtb! ….and in rare form!
“probably not the best choice for a funeral or a hostage situation.” Sums it up perfectly.
Just re-read for the third time, it gets better with age. I sit here laughing and my hubby thinks I’m a little strange, but I do enjoy your book. And I hope there will be more, we can’t leave Jovis where he is, we have to know what happens next.
On your question of the day: two cups of coffee, 60 year old bladder, three hour uninterrupted road trip, get to destination, find that the bathrooms are locked, and you have to find the person who has the key. Doesn’t work.
Have a safe Memorial Day. Remember those who have fallen for our freedom.
Oh, the stories I could tell…….but won’t. LOL
Had a few urgent rushes to the toilet without a significant mishap but made a mess of a friends car one night after a night on the town and way too much beer. I was in the back seat trying to hold back the bile and I reached the point of no return so went to wind down the window. Unfortunately, the window would only come halfway down and my head would not fit through so I was puking half in half out the window while doing 100 down the freeway. I felt like Mr. Creosote. What’s worse was that the drive was another 45 minutes before we could clean up.
I saw that happen once in a baby blue Cadillac. It made the most horrible mess. We weren’t going 100, but close.
This would be a good time to point newcomers to the Macaroni and Cheese story. That never gets old… It still makes me piss myself laughing!
Sorry, Macaroni and Beef…
I agree…I can only read that story in increments because I laught till I have to pee
About 20 years ago my wife and I went camping north of Sault St. Marie at a place called Pancake Bay. We’d been gone for about two weeks and were heading for home (London, ON) the next morning when we decided to cook a pot of Red River Cereal for dinner. For the uninitiated, Red River Cereal is a type of porridge that contains more fiber per bowl than a crate of Metamucil. My wife had never had it before and was unfamiliar with it’s “laxative” qualities, so she proceeded to have about 5 bowls of the stuff.
The next morning we got up insanely early (4am), packed up, hit the showers and were heading south to the Sault by 5am.
About 20 minutes into our drive the wife started getting cramps that got stronger and stronger. I was hoping to make a coffee shop in the Sault, but she suddenly screamed for me to stop. She grabbed a box of Kleenex, bailed over the guardrail and skidded down the embankment to the side of Lake Huron. The next thing I heard was a sound like bedsheets tearing that went on for about 5 minutes.
We continued our drive and found a a coffee shop when we got to town where she had round two.
“a sound like bedsheets tearing that went on for about 5 minutes” – that is an insanely awesome bit of description. Nicely done.
.
agreed! perfect
That’s a touch high on the systolic there Jeff. Time to take off 5 pounds and try some daily exercise. You’ll thank me when you get my age and aren’t having to take the blood pressure meds.
I have a friend who routinely sleeps in the nude. She got up one morning to fix the coffee. Still naked, she felt the need to fart……and then proceeded to splatter diarrhea all over the trash can behind her. She had to do a quick clean up job before her boyfriend woke up.
I think that’s called a “shart”…..lol
When I was a teenager, I had a gastro-intestinal event which resulted in a fully load pair of fruit of the looms. I was mortified, so I hid them under a big rock in the field next to our house, until I could think of something better to do with them. There were three other kids in the household, and I knew there was a good chance that one of them would find the incriminating underwear, they would figure out it was mine, and harsh mockery would ensue.
There was a small pond at the other side of the field, and I determined that it was the perfect place to permanently hide the evidence. At the first good opportunity, I skulked down to the rock, constantly looking about for any witnesses, retrieved the underwear, and ran to the pond.
The underwear had by this time solidified into a brick-like wad of fabric, so it was easy to toss it pretty far out into the pond. To my horror, all it did was float on the surface. I thought it would surely sink after soaking up enough water, so I watched and waited, like Anthony Perkins watching the car go down in the pond in Psycho. But it just wouldn’t sink. All it did was spread out more, and look more like a pair of dirty underwear.
It was too far out to retrieve it with a stick, so I started lobbing big rocks at the floating soiled drawers. I finally got one right in the middle, finally taking it down to a watery grave. My secret was safe! Until now, when I really don’t care who knows about it.
beautiful story, Ed, beautiful.
Thanks – do you think it might make a good after-school special?
I think they did this on a Walton’s episode but it was grandma’s panties.
My beautiful, well put together wife, once had a shit bout that could not even wait for pulling over.
Once while driving to Phoenix, without warning, she dumped the contents of a large Circle K cup out the half open passenger window; which was only about a quarter the way down, thereby getting Diet Coke all over my damn door. Just as I start yelling and screaming she scoots her butt off the front of the seat, pulls her pants down just past the mud hole as squirts a gut wrenching stream of yellow liquid stench into the cup.
I was absolutely mortified. I topped the truck and jumped out dry heaving. In between wretches I was shouting and swearing about what the hell just happened and spurting forth half coherent questions about the occurrence. After I calmed down she look at me and said, “Well I wasn’t going to crap in my pants. Let’s go, I want to go to Ikea before we have to meet everyone.”
Yikes….I lost my lunch at “shopping at Ikea,” lol!
Okay my pissing story…I usually rent a car in Seattle, then drive back to the East Coast to visit family and friends in the Summer. My non-stop drives are the stuff of lengend…48 hours from St. Marys, WV to Seattle.
My bladder doesn’t last nearly as long as a tank of gas in an economy rental car, so I spend a lotta time pissing into an empty Big Gulp cup, then just winging the liquid contents out the window.
My wife was totally aghast one Summer when she asked, “what is that on the back of your car?” It was 48 hours worth of urine that had collected on the rear quarter panel of the Toyota Corolla I had rented…which, during the course of the road trip had gotten moldy and turned green.
You would appreciate the song “Trucker Bomb” by Whiskey Daredevils.
Hmmmm….farted at work one time, and had a full on liquid assplosion.
Was travelling with my then 4 year old daughter who had to pee really bad, and the only place to pull over was a church parking lot. Yeah, something about a grown man holding a little girl with her pants pulled down and is peeing is bad enough by itself…but when the front door of the church opens, and the congregation starts filing out to go home and witnesses it…then it gets a little twisted!
I would never do anything to embarass my self or anyone else. When someone shits their pants I’ll shit mine to just so they won’t feel bad. Hey…I’m a nice guy…what can say?
(insert edit button here)
My ex-boyfriend, a friend of his and myself went out to dinner one night at a restaurant we used to frequent even though it was a 30 minute drive from our house. My ex proceeds to shovel a pound of pasta with hot italian sausage and hot peppers in a red sauce down his gullet along with soup, salad and an appetizer. It was enough food for all three of us. Afterward, he sucked down a XX-large chocolate milkshake from Brusters with in 5 minutes of ordering it.
On the way home, he started complaining of cramps, doubling him over (imagine that). They progressively got worse until he couldn’t sit still…he was driving… and going 70 mph on a 35 mph road trying to get home.
We were only a few blocks away from home when he whipped the truck over to the side of the road. He bolts out of the truck running toward a dumpster behind some row houses, unbuttoning his pants at the same time. With hands up on the edge of the dumpster, pants at his ankles, he bends fowards and unleashes an unimaginable spray of nastyness and funk. Not only did it spray outward but upward AND downward leaving him with shit splashed UP his back, down his legs covering his feet and Jerusalem Cruising sandals.
The two of us in the truck were laughing so hard we couldn’t maintain composure. The lady sitting on her row house deck was pretty entertained too. My ex is screaming at me to throw him the blanket from the back of the truck I used for my flea market purchases. “Fuckin throw me the fuckin towel!!! It’s not fuckin funny!!! Throw me the fucking towel!!”
He had so much shit on him, he had to strip down to balls and all, throwing his saturated clothing into the dumpster. He wraps the blanket around himself and I opened the hatch of my SUV and put him in the back. I had to hose him off when we got home. JC sandals too. I still laugh to this day when I think about it.
“Jerusalem Cruising sandals” will definitely be a part of my vocabulary now.
Aw crap…now we got FMPs and JCSs. What is it with you and footwear bickerchick?
I don’t do JCS’s or any footwear with a retread tire for a sole.
Jerusalem Cruising Sandals…just when I thought I had my vocabulary completed, YOU people feel the need to add more words!!!! JCS…that is funny!
Jeff, I wish i could meet you in the Big Apple on Friday and “buy the author a drink” but I have too much stuff going on to get away on short notice. Next time!
A big thing weighing over me is my Grandma – she’s 95 and ready to check out. I visited her on Saturday and we actually had her up and laughing so I’m glad I got that visit in.
Assplosion stories? One time, commuting home I had an incredible urge to pee but the bathrooms on the traisn are pretty gross so I was going to just “hold it”. Then, of course, we had a 2 hour delay 2 stops form my destination.. I said the rosary in tongues. When I finally plucked up the nerve to enter the piss hole express, the train finally started moving again. I made it home in pain and tears.
What in the sandblasted hell?!
http://offthebench.nbcsports.com/2011/05/31/headline-of-the-year-so-far-horse-herpes-outbreak-forces-rodeo-queens-to-ride-stick-ponies/
First off, that’s just wrong. Second, horses can get herpes?!
Since this topic came up before as the question of the day, and I wrote about shitting outside my car on an empty backwoods road in North Carolina, and the rednecks giving me a towel to wipe up with and being criticized by a guy who lives outside the country for saying they were good people, I will not go through that story again, as there is not a new question early Tuesday morning..
I will say I am surprised at Jeff’s cholesterol level being low, as I do not drink, eat pork, get plenty of exercise and take fish oil every day, and mine is that of a guy about to have a heart attack.
I think I have to cut back on my cheese consumption. Mine was “high” for me and I think every day for about 2 weeks prior to my bloodwork, I had cheese with almost every meal.
The red meat probably didn’t help either.
I guess it’s time fo rthe fish oil pills. Crap.
Not to be a nit-picker, but when you are from WV and shitting outside your car in rural North Carolina, and some renecks give you a towel to wipe up with…it might be time to question who is the redneck, lol! As always, AWG, great story!
..and to the rest of you Jeff Kay minions, I don’t know whether to be comforted by the fact that there are other people out in the world like me, or just be very, very afraid! Have a great Tuesday…hoping you all had a great Memorial Day weekend!
I’ve had a few “incidents” usually after drinking. What I’ve learned is once the first trickle comes out just write off that pair of underwear because every turd in sphicterville will want to join the pants party.