It pains me to announce this, but I’ve lost the luxurious fur-lined PO Box 4, in Olyphant. Yes, I had that thing for ten years or more, and now it’s gone. I went there yesterday, for the first time in a couple of months, and it was all locked-down. My key might as well have been a stick of Fruit Stripe gum.
The Olyphant post office used to be convenient, back when I was working my previous job. But now it’s very much out of the way. It was Box 4, though, and I didn’t want to give it up. It was such a low number, and everything…
I had a bad feeling, and was afraid I’d let it go too long between visits. It felt like my bill was probably past-due, and I hadn’t cleaned out the pizza coupons for a long, long time. And when I got there yesterday, my fears were realized.
I went to the counter, and they broke the news to me. I’d let it slip away from me. <sniff> Box 4 is no more.
It’s a shame, but at this point it was pretty much a coupon repository, and little else. I did still receive an occasional zine there, and that’s cool. But I guess I can fill out a change of address card, right?
It makes me kinda sad…
I ran a bunch of errands yesterday, getting things caught-up, etc. And that’s why there was no update. Sorry ’bout that. But my life had gotten out of hand during the previous week, and I needed to bring some order to it.
I finally got a haircut, for one thing, and it was hilariously overdue. I could barely hold my head up, because of the weight; I was on the verge of needing a neck brace.
The woman started in on my cranial disgrace with her clippers, and I was afraid they might catch fire. Everything was bogging down: the buzzing was changing tone, and cutting in and out. “Whew, this stuff’s thick!” she said. Heh.
Once again I was asked if I wanted my eyebrows “done.” And I don’t care for that. It’s an old man procedure, if there ever was one. But I gave her the go-ahead, and she tamed my wild Andy Rooney brows, or whatever. Again… sad.
I also had a hard copy of my “book” printed, and sent it off to Duff in New York. She’s going to read it, and pass it on to a couple of professional comedy writer friends, who’ve agreed to provide feedback. I’m looking forward to some opinions on the second draft.
I had lunch at Subway, and the place was lousy with Boy Scouts. Not little kids, either… high school aged Boy Scouts. They were all uniformed-up, with sashes and patches and the whole nine yards. And a too-large percentage of them were loud and obnoxious.
Don’t they take some kind of oath at the beginning of their meetings? I seem to remember doing that, but can’t recall if general douchebaggery is covered. Can anyone help me out with that?
A couple of these “scouts” went around collecting everyone’s plastic sandwich bags, blowing them up, and popping them. And for some reason, they believed this was funny. That’s gotta be a violation of the oath, right?
Then I went to Target, to buy Ivory soap and a new pair of sunglasses. A few days ago I was inside a post office, trying to mail some t-shirts, and ended up throwing a womanly hissy-fit and breaking my glasses.
There was an asshole with an accent in there, gumming up the works. I don’t know where he was from, possibly one of the eastern European countries, but it doesn’t really matter. He was mailing a letter, and asking roughly a million questions.
Can I get an email confirmation of delivery? How much does it cost to get a signed confirmation? How about insurance? Can I get my letter insured? And the person on this stamp? Who is the man? I do not know this man.
It went on and on, and as soon as the clerk started to answer one question, he’d interrupt with another. He was a one person question mill, and didn’t seem to care too much about the answers.
Finally I snapped, and shouted, “This is ridiculous!” and left in a dramatic fashion. And as I passed through the door, full of triumphant outrage, I smashed my sunglasses against the facing.
You know the arm that rests on top of your ear, and stabilizes the whole operation? One snapped completely off, but I continued wearing the glasses anyway. And with only the left arm, one lens was always radically higher than the other. It wasn’t an ideal situation.
So, I went to Target to get a replacement pair, but it was not to be. Their selection was surprisingly small, and everything was too expensive. For me, anyway. I’m not paying twenty bucks for a pair of cheap plastic sunglasses. What am I, a complete idiot?
I grabbed my soap and a Dean Koontz paperback, and went to the dollar store near our house. There, they had a whole rack of ESPN brand sunglasses (who the hell knows?) and I bought a decent-looking pair for a buck. Good enough… screw it.
By that time the Secrets were out of school, and I was on shuttle-bus duty. They’re fairly high-maintenance, and my car was full of various kids for an hour or more. Then I had to make part of dinner: the side dishes that went along with the chicken cooking in the Crockpot.
And that’s why I didn’t update the site yesterday… Is it a good enough excuse? I hope so, ’cause that’s all I got.
Please remember that I’ll be taking pre-orders for the new summer shirts, until next Friday only. If you’d like one, be sure to order soon. This is going to be a genuine limited edition, and I won’t be buying extras.
So, order today! Here’s your link.
I’ll leave you now with the Question of the Day: What would you like to be the name of your first album? It doesn’t matter if you’re not musical, or anything like that… We’re just playing around here. So, don’t be getting all literal ‘n’ shit.
The name of my first album will be Corndogs & Swamp Ass. And now it’s your turn. Use the comments link below.
And have a great weekend, boys and girls!
See ya next time.
Now playing in the bunker
Pre-order your summer WVSR shirt here!
1st!!!!! Wooo Hooo!
Far Out Man
(already taken though)
That would be the album name, not an editorial on todays update.
My first album would be called “Greatest Hits Anthology Retrospective II.”
JQ Brat says
Album Title: Life…Disappointed
WB in OH says
That’s my album name.
So my shirt didn’t get mailed out because some ass rabbit was asking to many questions? Fucking illegals, when is Obama going to do something about the fucking illegals?
Actually I’m a little worried about you Jeff, not to long ago you went postal on a sandwich engineer and now you go all postal on a illegal alien and a postal clerk. Time to blow the candle out on one end or the other.
JR in Sammamish says
Did I make it into the top 10?
WB in OH says
Oh, and as for the Boy Scouts I believe the douchebaggery you described is banned under Boy Scout Law. Google it.
Album Name: Crumbs in my Cleavage
(Which is also the story of my life)
hot fuzz says
um… Relentless may not be the best Dean K book for a first time author to read right now… just sayin’.
My album – The Viagra Chronicles
hot fuzz says
I like the guy on the stamp comment “Who is the man? I do not know this man.” Too funny. I can almost taste the indignation with which it was delivered.
Nice post Jeff – it was well worth the wait.
comments on Alli, side effects were awesome, i was laughing my arse off instead of shitting from it, as ive just started taking it!
i’m glad i’m not alone in the “FUCK THIS RIDICULOUSNESS” tantrum group….
I once crushed my glasses, not sunglasses but REAL glasses in my hand because some truck driver was not listening to me. I got so pissed off I just grabbed them off my face and crumpled them into a ball and told him “THERE! NOW I CAN’T SEE YOU FUCKCLOWN!”
something similar happened to get me fired. a truck driver called me fat so i threw my salad at him.
My first album? “fuck this ridiculousness”
Bill in WV says
Album title: Bald Peters
No album title. A near miss. Yep, I nearly fucked up in a ridiculous fit of road rage yesterday involving two giant combines I was following on a U.S. HIGHWAY–oughta be against the law.
The idiots operating these huge things would get over when meeting cars to allow them to proceed but wouldn’t get over for me to go around them. Of course, I was steadily blowing my horn, screaming curses and making a general spectacle of myself. I finally hauled off and went around–via the opposite lane’s shoulder. Pert near took the top of my vehicle with one of the front thingies on one of the combines and nearly decapitated a mailbox. Probably would’ve been a little more expensive than Dollar General shades, eh?
Good Afternoon Surf Reporters…..
Concerning the Boy Scout Oath, it’s not douchebaggery it’s buggery. Big difference I believe.
My debut album will be titled “Unloved and All Alone”. You know, something really uplifting…
WB, how do you know he was illegal? We all had to get here somehow even you.
Taiwan On says
The title of my debut album will be “Jump Ugly”. I lay down a couple good solos on tracks 3 (“Where Did You Put It?”) and 7 (“Yup, That’s Right”).
album title: loved by millions
WB in OH says
Valentin-I was jumping to conclusions and spreading hate and discontent. My sarcasm font is broken, sorry if I ruffled your skirt.
My ancestors snuck across the Atlantic ocean in the early 1800’s.
I always wanted to name my band “Free Beer”. You know, for the publicity. Wednesday at the tavern – Free Beer until 11:30!
First album name: 100 Shots
Last heard in Post Office:
“Why fat man break glasses? Fat man need glasses. In my country man need glasses to count goats. Fat man has no goats? What fat man do on Friday evenings?”
My debut album would be called (huge font) – “This is the new Celine Dion album”, and I’d sell millions to all the walmart tards.
Very good Limey!
I had Box 103 in that last place I live, and I liked it real good. It wasn’t especially low, but it was such a simple number.
Sun glasses aren’t cheap but real eye glasses are worse. After having the last pair kicked off my face by some douch at a concert I spent $400 to replace them. So a $40 ticket turned into a $440 show. Bullshit.
The name of my high school bands first full length album was “Winston Zeddemore: A Cartoon Classic”. It was supposed to be sarcastic since the Ghostbuster cartoon was not really that great. It was also a play on the fact that there were no black dudes in the band.
By the time I got around to adultishhood I had enough recorded music that I didn’t even bother nameing the albums. Just gave them dates. Which was pretty lame.
The latest first album I have recorded is titled “Funkrockphoney”. It is a portmantu of Funk, Rock, and Symphony. The album pulls largly from those three influences.
good post Jeff. I bought a couple new books today on Amazon via your site. I woulld not have pictured you a Koontz fan honestly. Hmmm.
Album Title- buy this thing so i can get out of my dead end obnoxious job that cuts far too deeply into my driinking time.
Cream Corn from the Socket of Davis 2: Tokyo Drift
Chuck in Belpre says
“Scupper Trout in Aspic”
Excuse accepted. Even though they’re more reasons than excuses, but whatever.
First album: A Bowl of Corn. Or Loaded with Tumors. Or ThroatWarbler Mangrove’s Greatest Hits.
Clearly, I need help deciding.
@ dogberryjr: that’s a really great first album title!
Thats cool WB but i don’t wear a skirt LOL
Root 66 says
Album title–“Macaroni Beef Blues”
Oh yeah, the indians should have built a fence around their border.
JeffInDenver (InCleveland) says
1st solo album:
First Album Title – CowBell 4 Cloggers vol 2
Tempo Relentless says
‘I Thought It Was A Customer…’
The Reckless Tongue of Johnny Harmonica
If you don’t wear a skirt you’re likely to catch a chill. And you’ll catch up with WB eventually. He’s sneaky funny.
1st album – “12 More Depressing Songs about Mother” by Honeyhole Lacy and The Churchboys.
Good Evening Surf Reporters…..
there, today I’ve covered a pleasant salutation for morning, noon and night…
Thanks, kevindust! I have to admit that I am quite partial to the title of the album REM did to fulfill their contract with I.R.S. Records: Eponymous. Clever as hell and it captures that moment just before Michael Stipe dived headfirst into the douche pool.
“Bag-O-Dicks Polka Favorites”
Mormons Galore is the album title
– based on a friend’s response when asked about a recent trip to Utah: man, there are Mormon’s galore out there!
second choice: Lee Harvey Ramone vs. T. Farty McAppleass
I thought I posted around 11th but I guess it didn’t take. Lame. Well I’m off to blow some of my hard earned money on some hard earned cock…I mean beer! Beer! I swear I meant to say beer.
Wisey in Ttown says
Chuck in Belpre says
Tomorrow is Bridge Day here in the Valley. Why does a frikkin bridge need a day of its own? Can it hear all the Bluegrass music? Why do all the organizers of these events think everyone in the area likes hillbilly music? I don’t know the answers to these questions.
Album Title: Mulatto’s with Mullets