Halloween used to be a big deal around our house. When our kids were younger they jumped into it with all four feet. Every weekend we’d have to take them to various “scary stores” around town, and they plotted and schemed for a couple of months in advance of the Big Day.
Now? They couldn’t give a single dingle. …Well, OK, maybe a single dingle, but definitely no more than one. It makes me a little sad, if you want to know the truth.
I know they’re growing up, and things change, but I liked it better when everything excited them. The jaded teenage “I’ve seen it all” years tend to piss me off. Because they HAVEN’T seen it all; who are they trying to fool? What kind of ridiculous scam are they trying to pull-off here?
The older Secret went to a party at a trustable friend’s house, so he wasn’t even with us during the evening. And his “costume” was thrown together at the last minute, with very little enthusiasm. Boy oh boy… the nine year old him would’ve been appalled.
The younger boy always goes trick or treating with a certain friend, and he was out of town this year. So, that was kind of a bummer, too.
I took him around the neighborhood, but his heart clearly wasn’t in it. It wasn’t the same without his buddy, and he was kinda irritated that his brother wasn’t around. There was a definite negative vibe wafting off that miniature zombie.
Plus, I’d guess two-thirds of the houses had their porch lights turned off. Wot up wit’ dat? At many of the darkened houses I could see the light of a TV screen through a basement window. The stick-up-their-ass bastards were hiding out down there, with their black, black souls.
While we walked I kept hearing a weird noise off in the distance, something that sounded like cheering at a sporting event, but higher pitched. The crap?
Finally, we encountered a group of tragically nerdy high school boys, all dressed as ghosts and being “outrageous.” While they walked between houses they continuously made shrill ghost noises, which they obviously believed was wild and wacky stuff.
That’s what I’d been hearing: high-douchery in action.
But even worse was what they did after someone answered the knock at their front door. These guys would launch into a fully-scripted chant of some sort, that lasted WAAAAY too long. And the poor sap who’d come to the door with a bowl of candy would have to stand there with a tortured smile plastered on his face, waiting for it to end. …And would it ever end??
Yes, it was a large roaming herd of boy-nerds, who will talk about that night for the rest of their lives. It’ll be one of their greatest triumphs. God, they’ll tell anyone who’ll listen, we were crazy back then, just out of control… I was hoping someone would throw a Crockpot full of chili on them.
So, yeah. I was irritated that our kids weren’t more into it, and also irritated other kids were too into it. I know it’s hypocritical. What of it?
Halloween night is also the traditional start of Bourbon Season, but that was compromised as well. Since the older boy wasn’t home, we didn’t feel comfortable breaking into the bottle of Jack Daniel’s purchased earlier in the day. He’d arranged for a ride home, but you never know.
So, we didn’t kick off the Season until about 10 pm. And only had one drink each… Lame, man. But I’m confident we’ll make up for it in the long run. Especially once Sunshine & Mumbles arrive in mid-December, and the Nancy clan descends on the compound for Christmas.
Yeah, it’s probably best that we’re pacing ourselves. Sweet sainted mother of Bill Oates!
I know this one is short, but that’s the way it goes sometimes. In the comments, please tell us about your Halloween this go-round. Was it more satisfying than ours, I hope?
Also, do you have any actual wildness stories from Halloweens past? Not choreographed nerdplay, but real craziness from your youth? We did the normal stuff: soaped windows, threw eggs (you have to shake them first, or they’ll explode in your throwing hand), wrist-rocket fun, M-80s in mailboxes, etc. You know, stuff that would’ve caused those “ghosts” to soil their sheets.
Tell us all about it, won’t you?
And I’ll be back tomorrow, with more. See ya then.
This older guy, I’ll call him Bobby Ford, had a real problem with this elderly couple in a little residential section, I’ll call Riverbend.
He stood out on the road with a half dozen eggs while my friend and I went up to their door. We knocked on the door and the elderly lady answered. We said trick or treat and the eggs came flying in. The lady shrieked and the old man came a runnin asking us what hell we were doing. Funny thing is the lady defended us by explaining that we were standing right there and couldn’t have done it. Spooky revenge.
I don’t remember why I didn’t participate in this, but for whatever reasons a bunch of my friends were busted for filling lightbulbs with Elmers glue and throwing them off a railroad tressle at passing cars. Don’t ask me how they got glue into a light bulb and resealed it–but teenage engineering is an amzing thing.
They got hauled into the police station, parents were called, the full drill. To my knowledge, nothing ever came of it other than a stern effort to scare the shit out of them.
I was shot at, and actually hit by shotgun pellets one time, while “rolling” a guy’s house. It was one of our final missions in high school–a 100-roll job. There wer probably a dozen of us engaged in the effort and we had it done, 100-rolls were engaged. We were just finishing up with unravelling the last of those that still had some tp on the dowel. When a neighobr showed up, shouted, and opened fire. We ran like hell in all directions. The guy actually shot out a window and put a shotgun blast through a wall of the home he was attempting to protect.
He was arrested, but I never let on I was involved–but the pellets stung like hell.
Rat Bastard says
Halloween is still my favorite holiday, but this year was a little low-key. My band played a house party an hour north of Pittsburgh; a friend was supposed to drive but he got drunk on whiskey and when I showed up to catch a ride I became the designated driver (and I’d been drinking beer that afternoon). The house party was fun, stayed up all night doing the usual stuff and drove home the next afternoon. No costume, just being myself was scary enough.
We used to collect osage oranges (“Monkeyballs” or “Hedgeapples”) around Halloween and throw them at people’s cars and houses. I hit someone’s side mirror one time from a moving car going about 75mph. Fucker exploded and destroyed the mirror. Explosives also came into play, guess that things are the same wherever you go — to quote Mr. MacGowan.
Halloween has always been my favorite! Although this year was a complete bust. Nothing..I mean NOTHING. We usually have an annual “Pimp-n-Ho” costume party..although some guests don’t have to dress up… but this year it was a no-go. Too bad. I have some killer photo’s from years past. What a blast.
When we were kids, I got hauled off to the police station for egging cars around Halloween. Was in my mother’s banana yellow, 4 door, Catalina. A fucking boat..and I’m out heavin’ eggs in it. Who wouldn’t notice? I ended up doing 40 hours of community service for that little stunt. Good times.
Alice in WV says
This is the first time in a week or so that I’ve been able to see the surf report from work! missed you guys.
I check the link every day (pouty lip) but hit the jackpot today!! YAY! Thanks for setting the shit right with Google, Jeff. My page still looks a little wonky, tho. I hit the refresh button and got the “malicious website” warning page. then after a few more tries from my bookmark link got back to the wonky page and was able to read the comments (obviously). holding my breath that when I hit the ‘submit comment’ button, it all goes as planned.
A maliciious website it truly is.
Alice, please explain “wonky” page.
On IPOD right now- “Coconut”- Harry Nilsson
WB in OH says
Welcome back Knucklehead!
Pagan-I bought Bulleit bourbon because of the cool bottle! $20 and it has a cork, can’t beat that for fun.
Now playing on lala.popup.com Coconut-Harry Nilsson
Bill in WV says
Pagan, that’s funny you mention Bulleit Bourbon. Love that stuff. I used to work with Tom Bulleit, the founder of the company when he was practicing law. He gave me a whole case of the stuff one year and me and a buddy ended up taking a couple bottles fishing with us one day. Didn’t catch anything but a MAJOR buzz and that was just fine with us.
WB in OH says
That seals it, off to buy a new bottle of Bulleit tonite!
Lee Harvey Ramone says
Oh Yeah, Halloween:
Handed out candy to a small contingent of trick-or-treaters. Not nearly as many as I would have expected this year; maybe lots of folks were worried about or suffering from swine flu (?)
Then my lil’ punk rock combo played a party. Drank beer, wine, mead, brown and white liquor. What a surprise, I woke up with a championship-level hangover on Sunday.
Let’s see – the Things are 14 and 12.5 now, taller than me OR Biff and far too sophisticated for childish shenanigans, so there was no ToT-ing this year on North Main Street (Wake Forest on Halloween is insane, so it was kind of too bad). Therefore, for the second year inna row, we hosted a party. I counted about 50 people at its height. Plenty of food and liquor, bonfire, bounce house, music – – didn’t suck at all. Best part? I didn’t have to do anything but pour myself into bed once everyone left. now THAT’S the way to combat humbuggery!
Bill in WV — Good, then you know EXACTLY how to pronounce the name. Us serious rednecks down here in GA can’t decide if its “bullet” or “bull-a” or something altogether different. Settle, please, so I won’t be embarrassed asking for it in my local beverage store.
Rat Bastard says
@Lee Harvey Ramone
Did you play any (old school) Misfits stuff for Halloween? We did a couple — Halloween house party tradition. I stayed away from the homebrew at the party we played and stuck to cheap canned beer; apparently I made the right choice judging by the ill effects on my friends the next day.
Actually I always pay. In fact even though I haven’t worked in town in 2 years I still average about $13.50 there a day (Shots get expensive).
No the shitstack in question is an unemployed tranny wannabe who complained to the bleeding heart owner (shedding bitch tears) that I was mean to him. I got barred because the owner who is at least 50 got bullied when he was 6 and he doesn’t like mean people. I got bullied to, suck it up.
Making fun of someone because they don’t have a job and everyone at the bar knows they are a mooch isn’t mean. It’s what you get. I understand being unemployed, but when I am I’m constantly looking for a job. This shitstack had a sweet job at an Amazon.com wherehouse, broke his pinky, and hasn’t been back to work since (2 years?).
And I doubt there are brake lines to be cut.
In the interest of full disclosure, I did get myself barred in September of ’08 and had to have a looong talk with the owner. But that night I was wasted and everytime a redhead would walk in the bar I’d ask if the carpet matched the curtains.
The highlight was when I walked up to a girl and asked if I could buy a red headed slut for the red headed slut. Yeah, I deserved getting kicked out for that one.
Oh and maybe we should all look at this. Sigh.
@Pagan, the Lagavulin is “only” $95 here, still pricey. It was a birfday gift a few months ago. Normally I’d be hitting the much-more-affordable Isle of Jura or some such.
@t-storm, I’d love to find a bar near me where the phrase “every time a redhead would walk in” is even remotely applicable. Not that I’m complaining about being near a college campus.
Thanks for clearing that up. Oops. Hang on,
T. Farty McAppleass says
Thanks for clearing that up. I was outraged. Kicking you otta a bar? The nerve of some people! Redheads are a valid thing to get in trouble over: “RED ON THE HEAD, FIRE IN THE HOLE!” I think it’s true.
This has nothing to do with anything, but ya’ll got to check this out.
Rat Bastard…. What band do you play in? Do you play in any local bars in the ‘Burg? If you do, I’ll have to come introduce myself to as a fellow surfer!
Rat Bastard says
@bikerchick — I admit to nothing!
Seriously though, we do play in local bars. Drop a line: ratbastardpgh [at] gmail [dot] com and I’ll let you know when we’re playing again. December is probably the earliest.
Son Of Sam says
Rat bastard there are other Yinzers here too. JCIII myself and Gretchen I don’t think is to far either. Let us all know here I doubt Jeff would mind?
I’m w/ Son of Sam. The Western PA chapter of Surf Reporters should coordinate a get together.
by the way SoS, I’m ready for drinking when you are.
Halloween’s over people! Move along now! Move along!
Rat Bastard says
@ Son of Sam, JCIII & bikerchick
I’ll let you guys know here in the comments when the next gig is if Jeff is OK with it. Been playing out since ’96 in the city, but we just had a lineup change so we’ve been on a bit of a hiatus. Hope you like punkrock’n’roll played loud and drunkenly. We all should get together for a beer; I live in the Southside and there’s no shortage of bars in my neck of the woods. My email address is up there in that last post.
Mark Eichholz says
We had a contest where I worked. One year I took 2 car chamois and some staples and made a loincloth then I used body paint to make myself brown. I spraypainted my hair and goatee black and punked it out with hairspray and used a drill to make holes in chicken drummies. It was the the necklace of the fingers of my enemies. I also had a coupla coconuts with frizzy hair on them that were supposed to be shrunken heads, To my dismay all the people in a coupla departments voted for a woman with a lame-ass witch costume and I came in 2nd.
Lee Harvey Ramone says
No Misfits (yet), but we will eventually get around to covering something by them I reckon.
I was hoping you were going to say that you used the fuzzy coconuts to make a bra. Youda prolly won if you’d done that. People love coconut tits. I’m trying to bring them back into fashion. That and merkins.
…or fuzzy coconut balls protruding from the loincloth. Now that would have gotten some attention.
Lee Harvey Ramone says
I don’t know about you, but I’m proud to be a merkin!
Son Of Sam says
Rat Bastard I saw Steve Forbert at Club Cafe a while back. Small venue it was great. The louder and drunker the better. I think I speak for JCII when I say that as well.
JCII drop me an e-mail and we’ll have a few after work.
Rat Bastard: You live in Sousside! Cool! I would definately come see your band. We went to the Bloomfield Bridge Tavern this past year. Can’t remember when but I know we drove cuz it was too cold to ride. There was a punkrock-n-roll band playing. Loved it.
The Yinzer chapter of Surf Reporters are ready to get our drink on!!
Merkin is one of the best words in the English language! It was the only reason I would listen to our last president speak. He used it quite often as I recall.
This is starting to sound like a plan.
Somehow we need to find out how many Surf Reporters reside within a 50 mile radius of the Burgh.
I can think of you, me, Son of Sam, Gretchen, obviously Rat Bastard. Susan in NWPA.
speaking of Yinzer Surf Reporters, I wonder what ever happened to Dorothy? She lived in the North Hills.
I’m wearing a merkin right now. I hung it around my neck with fishing line because I can’t grow hair on my chest.
I used to grow out my underarm hair and comb it over like bald guys do, but a stiff wind or a jump in the pool would make everything come undone. Very humiliating.
I also tried that GLH stuff. You know that “hair spray” that Ron Whatshisfuck used to sell on TV? I found a can of blonde at Walgreen’s and jumped right in. The problem with spraying hair on your chest is that it’s hard to know when to quit. I decided to go with a triangle that stretched from nipple to nipple. I painted up and stood in front of the mirror from about 10 feet. It looked like a muff, like I should have had a nice vagina right about where my belly button was.
Holy shit n’at! Imagine that little reunion…ha! All sitting around a table talking about Jeff’s aversion to fast food pickles & pooping in the work place!
If anyone else is a “Yinzer”…come on…speak up…don’t be shy.. You’s know who you are..
Shiny Rod says
bikerchick, JCIII, Rat Bastard, Son of Sam – The Nort Cacalacky Chapter Surf Reporters all met at Tiff-O-Ween. Well, all of us except some asshole who ended up going to the damn “This Is It” movie. Rumor has it that the certain person has to wear a neon-green thigh-high fishnet and matching feathered boa to next years party or reliquish his four free tickets to the Oktoberfest.
jason… i just shave my head. it’s the easiest way to hide the baldness…
any black guys wanna make me a merkin? i want an afro…
Speaking of Yinzers… I tried watching Three Rivers but was appalled by the lack of realism. Not a single Yinzer in the first episode. I gave up after that.
Where the fuck is Jeff today? I’m having one BITCH of a day and I need an update, dammit!
grumble grumble happy fucking Thursday, Surfers grumble grumble grumble
Shiny Rod says
fattie20xl – No. No way Jose!!!
Rat Bastard says
Yes, the WVSR Appalachia Chapter (I consider it Appalachia, anyway)…keep me posted. Have a good evening everyone — tomorrow is Friday and I’m off to get some cold beers. Yinz should do the same.
Sorry to chime in late to the Yinzer party. I think I said it here before but I’m in the North Hills. Western PA Surf Reporters, representin’!