As one of the charter members of the Surf Report Staff I feel ashamed I have been away so long. Frankly, aside from Chris “The Angry White Guy” I was the first one to offer regular contributions to the pages of this site, in hopes of enhancing its humor and using the space as an outlet for things I observed as odd, unusual, or downright disturbing.
However, over time other projects in my life have caused me to shove my Surf Report work to the back of the stovetop–largely because those are paying gigs and this was an exercise in enjoyment. I don’t think I need to remind any of you these are hard times, and there’s no time for joy as one attempts to pay The Man every month.
Then came the e-mail from Jeff asking me to help out. It would be a one shot deal with no pressure, it rarely is anything more than that, but somehow Jeff felt compelled to remind me. Perhaps my bitter angst is missed here? Yeah, I doubt it, but at the same time I felt Jeff shaming me into service so here I am. Let’s get started shall we?
–I have NO trouble with folks working their asses off to find a cure for breast cancer. I am often impressed with the efforts some of the local folks will make raising money for the good folks at the Susan G. Koman Foundation in our local walk-a-thons and whatnot. God bless those who have survived it and God be with those fighting the tough fight–my heart is with you.
However, I refuse to wear pink. I’m annoyed by pink becoming such a fashion statement–even during the NFL games. As you would imagine now all of the high school and even midget league teams are getting in on the act. Football games are becoming a hodgepodge of what can only be described as Road Warrior Drag Queens. I’m also bothered by the peer pressure to wear pink if you’re a guy and don’t want to. My wearing pink will do NOTHING to help find a cure for breast cancer.
–I have a general annoyance with ALL forms of “wear a ribbon” causes. Everybody has some special colored ribbon which is supposed to be aimed at “raising awareness” of an endless list of horrible maladies. I have watched this unfold over the last 10 to 15 years as our society became more watered down in symbolism, with a major absence of anything concrete. Many believe just wearing a ribbon somehow makes them superior to the rest of us because they “care” more. To those feeling smug and superior because they are wearing a ribbon and I’m not…… F-U.
–Did you ever notice that any Barbie doll destined to be a “toy” and not a “collectors item” will ALWAYS wind up spending the rest of her life naked? My sister had a collection of these things when we were kids–they were always baring all. I visited the home of a friend recently who has a girl of Barbie age–and again, wall to wall naked Barbies.
–I sent this picture to Jeff the other day and thought he’d get a kick out of it. Perhaps you will too. It was sent to me with the message, “This picture confuses lesbian vegetarians.”
–I visited New York City for the first time the other day. About 10-minutes after I touched down at LaGuardia Airport I was waiting on a cab. The cabbie pulled up, jumped out, and immediately wanted to fight with the guy at the airport in charge of hailing cabs. He was cussing in strings of broken English with words I’d never heard before, and brother that’s some SERIOUS cussing right there.
–Why does EVERYBODY in New York expect a tip? I find it unreasonable to give a guy a dollar because he opened the door for me. Sorry, but I’m not paying you for that.
–I was in a Rite Aid in mid-town Manhattan and stood in line forever. Some extremely smelly guy was attempting to buy two tall boy quarts of Coors. He was pissed because the lady wasn’t going to sell them to him because he was drunk. When she turned around, he simply got them and started walking toward the door. I was standing in his way and he said in a gruff and rude voice, “MOVE!” I said, “No–pay for the beer asshole.” He suddenly became worried and tried to get around me. I continued to block him and he changed his tone and wanted to be my best friend. Yeah right buddy. Take a fucking bath and give up booze–you clearly can’t handle it. A large black man in charge of security arrived and took care of the prospective thief. The amazing thing, NOBODY even noticed what had happened or acknowledged anything. Back in West Virginia about four people would have jumped in and helped detain the guy, then we would have talked among ourselves about it for 15 minutes.
–Conversely, I was at the LSU-WVU game a few weeks ago in Morgantown. WVU has now started to sell beer in plastic bottles at the games. I was sitting in an aisle seat. Suddenly a plastic beer bottle came ROCKETING down the aisle, bounced, and struck a woman across the aisle in the head. Naturally she and I both turned around. There was a drunken dumbass with no shirt on about four rows back–who gave himself away when he said, “Sorry.” I looked at him and screamed, “What the fuck asshole? You just hit that woman in the head!” Others began to chime in and then her husband stood up. Oh, it was on then and he commenced a beatdown on the dumbshit with no shirt. Other fans finally broke it up and noble husband returned to his seat, satisfied he’d defended his wife’s honor or whatever. Security hauled old shirtless to the exit and came back to ask the lady if she wanted to press charges. She did not.
–Finally, I fly about once a decade. Therefore, it’s a clear indication of how far we’ve fallen in the airline industry when the only flight I’ve been on since 9/11 was delayed by three hours because there are no airline mechanics at the airport in Charleston, WV at 5am. What’s more, I’ve determined I’m technologically lost. I sat there with a Blackberry–which I consider pretty advanced. However, EVERYBODY has an I-Pod, I-Phone, I-Pad, Kindle, and several other electronic devices for which I have no name or any real use…all of them working simultaneously and in concert with each other. I guess my pencil and crossword puzzle book looked like I was going retro. Yeah–I’ll go with that. I also had several hysterical observations of the various people stuck with me in that airport before daylight–I had three hours and nothing to do other than observe. I’ll have to regale you with those thoughts at another time.
Buck Out
Good to hear from you Buck!
Is that a strip steak that you butterflied?
Imagine that steak – rare.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Well, it would be pink. Sort of.
I HATE when people want to get tipped for EVERY goddamn thing!!!! I’ve worked my ass off in various jobs, many of them customer service orriented and never expected a tip much less stood around with an expectant look on my face like I deserved one! When I go to a hotel and the guy in the lobby asks if I want my bags brought to my room I always say, “no thank bud, I don’t carry cash to give away”. My wife gets a little embarrassed so I try not to say it when she’s with me and stick to business trips. As for opening a door, I think I would be to stunned to make a smart ass remark, holy crap that is crazy!!!
What’s with all the goddamn walking? Giving money to titties is fine, but why do I have to give it to someone that walks for 50 fucking miles, THEN gives it to the titty people. Why not just skip the fucking walkers and give it directly to the titty people? The whole walking thing does jack shit as far as I’m concerned.
I think I woke up with that steak one morning…
Buck nice to see you back. You have been missed sir !!!
Well it certainly looks as though you had your way with it/her. Knocked the bottom out too
very funny, yeah nothing phases new yorkers, they seen it all.
Nice update Buck!
Seriously, why should I tip a doorman for holding open the door? That’s his only responsibility, holding open the door. This job has low entry requirements. I’m pretty sure we can find someone to do it for minimum wage.
And bellhops carrying bags at a hotel… No, I’m not going to give you a few dollars to carry my bag. My bag has wheels! It takes no effort whatsoever. If you want to get paid money to move bags, go work for an airline loading up planes.
And kinda on the topic of tipping, I don’t understand career waiters & waitresses… waiting tables was never meant to be a career. I have a few friends who have graduated college and still work as waitresses. They say they earn more than the $30K they received in an entry-level job in their field.
But they don’t have health insurance. And their salary will never go up. And when they’re 30 and they want to quit waiting tables, nobody will be impressed that their resume shows Taco Mac from 2005 to 2012.
The ribbon stuff goes back even further than that. Here’s a clip of El Rushbo mocking the trend back in ’93.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fs35U6LGHgw
Another thing he’s clearly mocking in that clip? The idea that more than one person should fit in a freight elevator.
NYC is the land of voluntary obliviousness. One of the clues I had that is was time to move out of there was when I walked past a trash can outside of Penn Station that was fully engulfed in flames. I looked at it, shrugged, and kept walking, just like everyboby else.
I really wish you could go back into your comments and correct misspellings…
I wish I could too….I suck
Nice to see a word from ya Buck.
Straight up from the holler.
Nice update Buck! A smattering of subjects. I love that.
The last few Steeler games we watched has more and more pink accessories being sported. The NFL can’t come to an agreement on salary caps but seem to have millions to have fushia pink shoes, rtowels, wristbands and whathaveyou made for each player.
I am in Hilton Head now. We drove from Pittsburgh. Took us 12 hours. Our friends flew. They left 2 hrs before us and arrived an hour after us. Fuck flying. It is such a hassle anymore. Fee’s for luggage. Fee”s for food. Christ, pretty soon they’ll be a fee for toilet paper. No one will be sparing a square.
BYOTP
Actually I heard a news story the other week about some airline planning to remove the crappers, so as to add more seats.
Flying used to be fun, but now it sucks. I’ve been in the business class smoking section to Europe, but those days are gone. Good thing I rarely have to fly these days.
There is a certain distance beyond which I’ll fly because driving just takes too damned long (e.g. east coast to LA for a 3-day trade show). But that distance is growing; I used to fly to New England, but nowadays I’ll drive the 375 miles rather than put up with the “airline system” bullshit.
.
Southwest doesn’t charge dor bags…and I got in on a great deal from Alasa Airlines yesterday that allows Alaska residents two free bags to any destibation. We already get three bags in state.
However, when I get down to the Lower 48, my mode of transpotation of cjoice is Amtrak. It’s roughly the same price to get me and my family across the country as on an airplane…but takes 2 and 1/2 days from Seattle to Buffalo, NY. However, we do get two sleeper compartments, whis also includes three meals a day.
Oh, and you also have full access to the first class lounge in Chicago!
Best part about Amtrak was when the train was delayed a couple years ago, and we missed our connection out of Chicago, All I wanted was cab fare out to get a rental car and drive to Buffalo. The couldn’t authorize that. All they could offer was a a room for us at the Hyatt, $100 per diem, and a trip out on the train the next day. Or, they could also offer us a trip on the bus to the same destination…which would get their about an hour ahead of our original train! Oh yeah…that night it was a suite at the Hyatt, two Domino’s pizzas, and a 2 liter bottle of Coke. Great way to travel!
A two-liter Coke and two pizza’s = $100 welcome to Chicago…Good Lord. I could have eaten for two months on that in West Virginia.
I once saw a desert fatigues pattern “Support Our Troops” ribbon on the gas tank door of a Ford Excursion.
I don’t think they were being funny.
The “think pink” crap has gone way too far. How is a pink Swiffer going to do anything to make me aware of breast cancer? I think we are all aware. I own one ribbon shirt ” I wear pink for my mom” she’s still battling the stupid disease and most likely won’t beat it this time around. I think a better slogan is just simply cancer sucks.
Great update Buck!
Agreed, on the pink has gone too far, crap. What makes me madder is the extreme stupidity over at Facebook…post your shoe size or, the color of your bra, all in the name of breast cancer “awareness”. How the fuck is that helping anything? It doesn’t raise a dime OR awareness. We all KNOW it exists, and don’t need reminding. Like, “Remember 9/11”. Um. Yeah. I think we do…Asshats.
WVU game wouldn’t be so humiliating if I wasn’t wearing a cheerleader outfit. Guy next to me at the bar keeps trying to put his hand up my skirt.
Next thing, he would push your stool in for ya.
Also, your shoes might be sending the wrong message. Better check with the Chick on that.
jtb
Bish, sit still. I only wanna be frenz’.
Glad to see you back, Buck!
When I travel for business, all the bellmen hurry to grab my bags (and my luggage). When it comes time to tip, I always play the dumb blonde card, “TIp? Oh.. Sorry.” and maybe show a little extra cleave. I’ve got limited assets to work with here, so I go with my strengths.
Tony Orlando started all this ribbon crap. And the oak trees weren’t all that happy about his silly song and bullshit either. It must be a bitch to be Tony Orlando and have to sing that tired assed song every fucking night at impromtu hootenannys in KOA campgrounds.
Hey Hey Hey!
Don’t mess with Tony Orlando
He’s a f**king genius!
It’s weird to me not to stop shoplifters, drunk shit-starters or other general douchebags, as my old man taught us to help out when we could with things we could handle. Also, I refuse to wear ribbons, display them on my truck or wear pink/blue/red/rainbow to support a trend. My wardrobe consists of camo, denim, brown, green, black and tan. Period. I also might have a blue shirt, but it’s a dress shirt, and that doesn’t count. If you want to know what I’m against, ask me. I’ll tell ya. I also refuse to tip for ridiculous services…we were in DC last weekend, and some guy got all uppity about us not tipping him in a little information booth when we asked if this was the orange line metro station. I asked you a question–you’re a local. That doesn’t take specialized training to know what color the train is, but I don’t live here, so just answer the thing and let me get on my immigrant crusher so I can smell like curry and afro-sheen the rest of the day.
Oh man, nice to hear from you again Buck! I was just wondering the other day what had become of you. Thanks for the awesome update!!!!!
I’ve been to a lot of college football games at a lot of different universities and that is the first I’ve heard of beer being served. Anyone know of any other colleges serving beer?
I’m also on the anti-ribbon bandwagon, flying only when I have to cross an ocean and tipping for everyone doing their job.
You want a tip for pouring me a cup of $2 coffee and handing it to me over the counter? Don’t think so.
How in the HELL did you get from touch down to the curb at LaGuardia in 10 minutes?
Terminolgy was wrong–like I said don'[t fly much…ten minutes from when I got into the airport to walk to the taxi stand
And when they do finally find a cure for breast cancer, do you think the drug companies are going to hand it out for free as a way to say thanks for all the support? Uhhhhhhh……… no.
I’ve always believed that they already have cures for several diseases, but won’t release them because the healthcare industry is such a big money maker.
Bill, it’s funny you said that because I was about to say the same thing. My grandfather used to sit in our garage (he lived with us his final years) listening to Art Bell & George Carlin tapes & he SWORE there were cures for AIDS & Cancer, but the healthcare industry has too much to lose to release them. That is why they have drugs that will prolong life instead, so they can keep the guise going that there is no real cure.
When I was a teenager listening to him I’d roll my eyes & call him crazy. Now, as I’m much older & going through the big C myself, I kinda wonder if grandpa was on to something. They may not have a “cure” for all of it, but I sure would bet they got something close. But if they release it there’d be countless doctors, scientists, researchers, pharmaceutical companies, etc. out of business. Just a thought. And a rant…
God bless ya Melissa! My mom had many nicknames for it. The best one was “the booger”
Apparently the lord and savior jesus christ hates the dolphins.
And the Rams. Roman Gabriel forever!!!
And the Colts. What an abortion that crap was last night. Colts shooting for the Andrew Luck sweepstakes.
Good to see the BuckMeister back on the job with the sarcastic stuff I love…..
Buckin’ awesome!
I am pretty sure that they sell horse tranquilizers at Penn State games now.
Well, I am going through a bout of the boob cancer now & I will let you know wearing pink isn’t gonna help. So, no worries! 🙂
Prayers for a complete recovery Melissa. Believe it or not, my dad also had breast cancer a few years ago. He also has beaten colon cancer and quadruple bypass and two roto-rooter procedures on his carotid arteries. Cancer just blows.
Yes it does!A positive outlook helps. I hope all goes well for you.