My friend Steve and I made a quick guerrilla strike on the city of Cleveland last week, to watch the Cincinnati Reds do battle with the hometown Indians. Which, of course, is interleague play: something I don’t really condone. But, whatever. The tickets were kick-ass and free, and I never claimed to have integrity.
You see, I don’t like it when assholes tinker around with baseball. I still have a chip on my shoulder about the designated hitter rule, which I believe was implemented in the American League in 1974. And I also think of the Blue Jays and Mariners as the “new teams.” The ones that have come along since? I can’t even process it.
Interleague play is an abomination in the eyes of the Lord, or something. The two leagues are supposed to exist alongside each other, and only intersect for the All-Star Game, and the World Series. But that’s all down the ol’ poop catcher now… Someone decided that 100 years of tradition is for suckers.
A few years ago I actually took a stand and turned down tickets to an interleague game. But last week’s trip sounded like fun, and I’m simply too burned-out and tired to have principles at this point. I’d never been to a game in Cleveland, it seemed like a good time, so fukkit. Norma Rae, I ain’t.
Today I’ll give you a brief overview of our first day on the road. Part 1 in a 2-part series… And tomorrow I’ll finish the story, with my report on the Rock ‘n’ Roll Hall of Fame, and a visit to another, more unusual attraction.
I hope you enjoy it!
A little background information
Last year JeffInDenver emailed and said he’d relocated to Cleveland, and thought he could get me some tickets for the Reds and Indians, through his employer. But I had it in my tiny Duke head that Cleveland was way the hell on the other side of Ohio. Like where Toledo is… My inner-sensors told me it must be an eight or ten hour drive.
This year he offered again, and I mentioned it to Steve. He informed me it was more like a five hour trip. Maybe even less. I didn’t understand how this could be true – my inner-sensors are generally reliable – but Steve drives all over the place, and would know better than me.
We decided to take Jeff up on his offer, and learned that the seats are located on the Club Level – with all-you-can-eat food and beverages. Holy shit! This thing just kept getting better and better. I found myself getting excited, as the departure date approached.
Baseball and a bottomless pit of hotdogs and nachos? This was gonna be great!
The drive to Cleveland
Uneventful is a good way to describe it. I got up early and went to Steve’s house in Danville, parked the Camry there, and moved my bags to the trunk of his car. And we drove, talked, and listened to an 80s alternative station on Sirius for the next few hours. I’m happy to report that we didn’t hear “People Are People,” not even once.
Somewhere along the way we stopped at Arby’s, and had lunch. I could see that it used to be a Rax restaurant. Remember those? Their buildings had a distinctive look, and you still see them around — usually inhabited by some other fast food joint.
I ordered a sandwich that included roast beef, bacon, and liquefied cheese – on a radically buttered bun. They made me sign a document that said I understood the sandwich sometimes voids life insurance policies, and I dove into the bastard. It was fantastic.
We were in Pennsylvania for a long time, and as soon as we passed over into Ohio it seemed like we were already approaching Cleveland. Clearly, my sensors were horribly askew.
The GPS led us to the office where JeffInDenver works, and we had to sign-in, like we were entering the White House. I listed my “company” as TheWVSR.
A few minutes later Jeff greeted us, and we were led into the bowels of the operation.
We went to his office, which had a lot of sports-related paraphernalia in it, as well as an electric guitar and a fridge filled with beer. Nice. He offered us a couple of bottles, and we gladly accepted.
We sat and talked for a while, then he gave us the grand tour. Jeff reminded me he’d turned Brad’s now-famous “Where are my damn box scores??” voicemail into an mp3 for me. And Steve asked if he could maybe do the same thing with a voice message he had saved to his phone.
Steve made me listen to the thing while we were at Knoebels a few weeks ago, and it was hilarious. It was some unknown woman, her voice ravaged by millions and millions of Pall Malls. Thanks to Jeff’s studio wizardry, you can hear it here. I love how she powers through the phlegm at the beginning.
While Jeff was working on all this, inside a production studio, the message kept playing through Cheap Trick concert speakers, at an impossible volume. Funny as hell.
After we left Jeff’s place, we got stuck in a gigantic traffic jam on the way to the hotel, but finally made it. We stayed at a Raddison, almost literally behind the scoreboard of Progressive Field, where the Indians play. I already had visions of hotdogs with Bertman mustard dancing in my head.
The room was nice, and the beds were Sleep Number. I started monkeying around with my remote, and it made a revving sound. For some reason we both found this to be the height of comedy, and kept doing it. Yes, we’re 49. What of it?
Cleveland Indians vs. Cincinnati Reds
I thought we could have a couple of beers at one of the bars adjacent to the hotel, before the game. But the traffic ruined all that for us, and we went straight to the ballpark. It was a two or three minute walk.
Holy hell, was it hot… It was about 95 degrees, and super-humid. It’s the kind of weather I hate the most. But I was determined to have a good time. I wasn’t going to allow some oppressive ball of fire in the sky to ruin my evening.
We passed through doors in a wall of frosted glass to get to the club section of the park. There was even a friendly person there to greet us. And the whole concourse was air-conditioned. Awesome!
And it was roughly a million times better than what I expected. I mean this was fancy-ass stuff… They had a buffet with gourmet foods, a giant bar in the middle, and all sorts of other stations (ice cream, salads, subs, hotdogs/burgers, nachos, sodas, etc. etc.) It was a sea of greatness, and everything was free — except for the booze.
We went through the buffet line, and each of us had a plate of the highest quality food I’ve ever eaten in a baseball stadium. Then we hit the hotdog station, and made our way to our seats. They were outside the air conditioned space, and the heat hit me like an uppercut to the gut. Goddamn!
The seats were fantastic, and Jeff and his buddy Brian were beside us. We said our greetings, and settled in with our dogs. The sun was high in the sky, and it felt like we were under a broiler. By the time I’d polished off my latest round of food, I knew this wasn’t going to be as easy as I’d hoped. I felt like I was about to vomit, shit, or both.
While we watched the Reds lose the game, Jeff and I conceived a new TV show in which Bob Costas and Al Michaels are fed a good amount of booze, then asked to talk about baseball while the cameras roll. The alcohol is the key, you see, to insure long-winded tangents and off-the-topic diversions.
And we watched the sun, pleading for it to drop behind the buildings. It was so freaking hot. It went down, down, down…. then seemed to start going sideways. WTF?? No sideways!! We can’t have sideways! It was rough, and it was cramping my style. I didn’t feel like eating anything, or even having a beer. I just sat there, becoming one with my chair. Watching that freaking sun…
By the time it finally disappeared, the game was almost over. At 9 pm it was still bright daylight, and I felt like I was on Candid Camera. How could it be so bright, so late??
I had some peanuts, and about five cups of water. But that’s all I could muster. I wanted to go back to the real food, but just couldn’t do it. Puking was a distinct possibility. Those two hotdogs still seemed to be crushed into my esophagus, and my gut was gurgling and threatening to revolt.
After the game
Jeff and Brian left during the 8th inning, I think, and I hope I thanked him enough. His hospitality is sincerely appreciated. The seats were incredible, the food layout was amazing, and he didn’t have to do any of it. Thanks, man! It was great time.
When it became evident that the Reds had no chance, Steve and I left, as well. I wanted a beer or three, at this point. The sun was gone, and I thought I could return to the human race. So, we started walking around the neighborhood.
We happened upon a hipster area, filled with bars. We went into one, and immediately was told they were preparing to close. A hell of a greeting…
I wanted beer, but was also very thirsty. So, I ordered a Pabst tallboy in a can. Steve thought I was out of my mind, but that baby hit the spot. He ordered some sort of microbrew draft, but I needed cheap mass-market swill.
The bartender brought Steve’s in a hyper-extended fluted glass, and just slammed my can on the bar. “You don’t get a glass,” she said. “You’ve sealed your fate.” I don’t really know what that means, but I think she was trying to be funny.
They ran us off after one beer, so we went to a bar beside our hotel, called the Winking Lizard. There was a giant iguana — probably six feet long — inside a glass case near the front door. I jokingly asked the guy if they ever let him out, in the bar area, just to liven things up. And he said, “No.” Just as serious as eye cancer.
We had a couple more beers there, and shuffled back to the hotel. I felt like I was having some kind of out-of-body experience, because of the alcohol and the bludgeoning I’d taken by the impossible heat.
In the room I started playing around with the Sleep Number bed again — and laughing at the revving sound. Hey, I’m easily amused… And within minutes, I was out. Deader than Kelsey’s nuts.
Here are a few pictures I snapped during the evening.
And tomorrow I’ll finish this epic tale.
See ya then!
Now playing in the bunker
Treat yourself at Amazon: US and Canada
Numero Uno.
As long as I keep this gig, there’ll be a standing offer for the Reds @ Cleveland games. I only ask for one or two games a year, so I haven’t been turned down yet…
Are you hiring? I could be your very own ballwasher if I get an office like that.
Very nice and generous offer! It would be hilarious to meet all the Surf Reporters.
I think a NE Ohio Surf Reporter bar crawl would be a blast.
I agree with this. Kate and I live in Cleveland too.
I’m only 2 hours from Ceveland! Madz could swing by from NY and pick me up!
DEAL! Let’s go!
Ok COOL! Spend a day/night here to party with some friends at our local hole-in-the-wall and we’ll leave the next morning to meet the rest of the Surf Reporters! TOO FUN!!
life is filled with crap
so glad u had a good day
thanks for shareing
sending wvsr emergency karma to ron
KARMA +++
.. that outtta do it. 🙂
ps: hang in there, pal.
sounded more depressing than i intended
met something like.. enjoy the outstanding days
i appreciate sharing your joy
or something like that
sorry
…but dude…you messed up a pretty cool haiku.
…”thank you for shareing”…is what you needed there. I didn’t think it sounded depressing. One more goddamn syllable there at the end and you were golden.
As unofficial haiku master here in Ilinois, I will offer a tip to salvage a worthy haiku.
Sparing use of the word ‘ding’ may be used to fill in a vacant syllable.
So I offer Ron the following touch up to his touching haiku:
life is filled with crap
so glad u had a good day
Ding! Thanks for sharing
five syllables go here
seven syllables go there
are you happy now?
heh… saw it…liked it…claiming it as mine…and an easy way to remember
I once wrote one for work that pretty much summed up the office in which I worked
old men surround me
all of us going no where
please just kill me now
or perhaps the last line should be
ding! just kill me now…. sounds more cheerful
LOL. Now you’re getting the hang of it.
Well done, weed hopper.
“five syllables go here” is six syllables. Just sayin…
crap… should have been “five syllables here”…otherwise it only works when you slur your words
Never had any desire to go to Cleveland but after reading your report I think I may organize a trip there next year. That and Pittsburgh, everyone raves about PNC Park, I hope Reds fans are tolerated more than Bengal fans.
Visited PNC Park last summer Phillies vs Pirates weekend both home plate and center field seats.
For my first MLB experience, it was great! Tried all of the home brews!
WB…. PNC Park is fantastic! The food s to die for too. And you are so right…the Reds are tolerated far more than the Bengals. We’re a football town. We love them Stiller’s!
Looked at the schedule and the Reds go to the steel city the last weekend of September. May try to squeeze in another road trip, Lord knows I’ve been dying to eat at Primanti Brothers. And the Stillers are on a bye week so no need to worry about getting roughed up walking around downtown.
That could be a great series that late in the year. Could be the Reds and the Bucs clawing at each other for the division or the wild card.
Man I hope not, I don’t think Pittsburgh can keep this up for much longer. If Andrew McCutchen cools off they could be in big trouble, second highest BA is .259 and they’re -10 in runs. On the other hand Cincy is streaky so who the hell knows what could happen, guess that’s whay they play all 162 games.
Defintiely would be exciting if the Central was on the line during that series.
Jeff, I know just how “ill” you felt after eating in the heat. It affects me the same way. You need a re-do!
Last week we had three 90 plus degree days in a row. felt hotter when you mixed in the humidity. I get very cranky in weather like that. *I* probably could have made that poor bus monitor lady cry.
There’s no Jim Crow in baseball, leaguest.
Although I swore I’d never go back when they re-named it progressive field I do always go for one or two games a year.
Yes the ballpark was specially designed to contain every bit of heat & humidity the Cleveland summer can cough up. No hint of a breeze is allowed to sweep the stands between 1st and 3rd bases.
The food at the club levels is pretty good but it seems so removed from what is proper eating at baseball games — hot dogs slathered with stadium mustard, onions piled high and way-overpriced, flat, warm beer.
Still yet…it’s a pretty nice ball park.
And although Cleveland is a mere hour away I can’t bring myself to go to Rock & Roll Hall of Fame. The entire concept is wrong in so many ways…
Looks like it was a good time.
This got me to wondering, how many jobs out there still exist (aside from bar & restauraunt jobs) that having beer on hand doesn’t get you fired right then and there..
So we got Jeff(not)inDenver in the sports biz.
ChryCo union workers in Detroit. (or was that just drugs?)
and ???
Media, not sports. I just have some Browns & Broncos stuff in the office…
Browns and Broncos stuff? Thats gotta get you some dirty looks in Cleveland, most Browns fans I know can’t let go of “The Drive”.
Exactly. Back in Denver, though, I worked with Dave Logan. I had him sign a helmet before moving here. It’s enough to get me a pass on being a Bronco fan. As far as The Drive, I’m surprised at how many Cleveland fans have forgotten that The Drive just tied it up & put the game in to OT…
I’m in real estate. I keep a fridge full of beer at the office. Maybe that doesn’t count?
Isn’t a fridge stocked with beer mandatory in real estate?
The DH became a thing in 1973. Did you know that Dan Driessen became the first National League DH in the 1976 World Series?
Apparenty the DH was not used the first couple of years in Worls Series games.
Dan Driessen hit a home run in that first game in New York becoming the fiirst National League DH to hit a home run. The story goes that Sparkey Anderson looked around the culbhouse and could not pick a player to be humiliated to be DH. So he walked up to Dan and said…”Pick a number between one and nine. Dan said, “Six”, Sparkey said…”Nope. Sorry…you’re the DH”. Sparky walked away and Dan said…”Hey Spark…fuck you”! Sparkey kept walking and gave him a thumbs up and just shook his head,
They call it “Designated Hitter”, but I call it the “Modern Abomination”. It’s not really baseball when the pitcher doesn’t bat.
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Agreed chill…I remember back all through little league and into double A knothole pitchers were hitters too and not an automatic out.. Can’t figure out when they decided to just give up and swing at anything thing and then walk back to the dugout looking dejected. National League pitchers need to man up, swing the goddamn bat and hit the fucking ball and at least put it into play. If I was a pitcher out there in the game today… I’d go out of my way to bust ass at the plate and shove it deep on a slant to the guys that don’t. Fuck ’em! I was a catcher and swung the friggin’ bat. Sorry about the rant folks but it’s baseball. Goddamn baseball!!
I can’t really get into a sport that has a guy named A. Pujols.
Sounds like you guys had a blast and hit the ‘Fun Bunny’ with the sweet part of the bat.
I’m not a fan of the DH. A ‘player’ that can’t play defence anymore (big part of the game and $16.3 mill a year…ya think?) shows up at the plate four maybe five times and swings for yard. The bunt sign isn’t even taught to the DH. Ok…I’ll stop about that .Inter-leauge play doesn’t settle with me all that well either. A marketing move was the motive. Yankees, Soxs, Twins, show up in a National League park and it’s a three day sellout at inflated prices. I went to the three Yankees @ Reds game last year. Wouldn’t have gone three in a row if it was the Padres. Probably the Philies though.
And yes!!…A Surf Report complete hang must happen before we all show up using a walker and can’t remember why we’re there. There’s like at least 500 of us. Some a lot more silent than others but we know they’re there. We need to establish (which can be flexible) a where and when so people can schedule vacation time off and at what time their parole board says they can leave the state. Maybe some kind of sign-up board we can go to and kick it around. Maybe. Someday.
thers winking lizards all over..got one down the street here in north cbus..they are ok ..use to go there for happy hour with the gang after work.. had my first and last red bull and cherry vodka drink there, tastes like cough syrup..thankfully my heart didnt explode.. im all for a get together with jeff.. sounds fun
Sounds like a you had a blast, Jeff. I can usually eat like a farmhand at a baseball game…but that heat we had last week makes me lose my appetite. And drinking is barely tolerable. My body wasn’t made for that oppressive bullshit.
We just picked up our new camper over the weekend. A 32ft. toy hauler. It’s beeyouteeful! Ready for Jamboree in the Hills in a few weeks!! So much for roughing it….no more port-a-johns and hovering over mounds of God knows what…UGH Yuuuuuuck!
Cleveland rocks
I am with you guys: I am totally against the designated Hitler rule.
I almost missed that little speed bump…
While I appreciate the support, decency compels me to point out that you’re skating close to the edge of Godwin’s Law.
Was that two prog-rock references in one sentence? Not really sure.
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Sorry… I’m not going to make it today. I’ll post the second half on Wednesday. Ran out of time…
Love the winking lizard. Jeffindenver in Cleveland hooked me up many moons ago and I put on a clinic at the lizard. Then took a cab to some club in a questionable part of town to wait for the girlfriend.
Next year since the astros are switching leagues there will be inter league play all year.
You going to make it up North this year? Chances are I can get another game or two out of the bosses.
Actually looks like I may be in town.on august the 6th
Twins @ Indians, 7:05. I’ll ask around. Mondays are easy.
In Oklahoma my balls have melted to my everything else.
I went to Chicago sometime in the 90s for a wedding. We made a trip out of it and went to the J Shedd aquarium and the museums near the waterfront.
A security guard was being friendly (this was long before 911… hell, the pilot took off with the cabin door open).. and asked where we all were from? Being a smart ass I said “Toronto. Perhaps you’ve heard of it? Home of the world series champions?? you know baseball?”…. he was a really good sport about it.
Not much has happened since then with our expansion team up here.
I rode my new motorcycle to Chicago in 1982. It was a Honda Hawk 450 with saddlebags, and I was visiting my grandparents. I rode through the night across the breadth of New York State, and arrived at dawn at Fort Erie, Ontario to a 19-year-old Canadian customs agent with hair sticking out under his uniform cap. He said, “What’cha got in the bags, eh?”
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And here I thought that the seats were going to be air-conditioned as well! Come on, in this day and age, they don’t have box seats in actual boxes (with A/C!)?!? The hell? Unless you go to a game at the beginning or end of the season, you can’t really take full advantage of the all you can eat gourmet goodies!
Not to sound like a total jock or anything, but who’s winning the baseball this month?
It’s anybody’s horse race at this point. Some of last years big winners have a lot of yardage to make up but nobody has been put on ice yet and no one is out front skating to a slam dunk of the season. There are still quite a few hurddles in the way for a lot of teams and last to first place is going to be a long jump for many coming down the stretch. And the trading pool is swimming with activity with almost every team tossing out their bait hoping for the catch of the day. And we ain’t even to All-Strar break yet.
Sounds like they have to overcome a lot of diversity. Heroes. That’s what they are. Heroes.
So what is this “unusual attraction” CleveLanders? You guys got a shrunken head museum there or something? Is the factory where they make the fake puke and turd piles there? Does any particular absurdity that would be on a Jeff Kay must see list come to mind? Is George Zell’s baton on display somewhere there?… (which would be kinda cool actually). Just wondering.
Ok – if we’re organizing an un-official gathering of the reporters, the Great Lakes Brewery tour is a good place to start. If y’all want to bring tents, I have plenty of room in the yard. No dog, so no yard krullers.
Now, we just need a bus, and a designated driver.
Nice pics but, no fish? WUWT?!
HEY JEFF AND JEFF,
I think I was at that game. Were you at the Wednedsay Jun 20th game? That’s the one Kate and I were at. Great game if you are an Indians fan.
A WVSR pub crawl would be outstanding. Kate and I hang at the Spitfire on the west side but would like to see more places. We have only been here about six years.
Tony and Kate
That was the game.
I’m out in Solon – not a lot of great options there. I think Parma would be ideal, if not down town.
West side is good too. Madison ave/ 117th st area has about 10 great music bars all in walking distance.
http://www.clevelandmusicdistrict.com/page2.html
All of these are cool venues. Most with good beer lists.
Six years? Are you waiting to explore after the cavs beat the Indians for America’s cup?
We just found a few places we like and don’t go to many others. We did just go to the oldest bar in the flats tonight, The Harbor Inn, and we went to an old school steak house called Ferris Stake House on the west side. Those were good.
Roc Bar on the East Bank of the flats is decent. Tiffany books decent acts & usually has good specials.