Yesterday I posted an article about the death of Scott Baio at Mockable, and the sky immediately turned black and all hell broke loose.
Maybe the Big Guy didn’t care for my “humor?” I don’t know, but for a few minutes I thought we might have a situation on our hands. I was about to order the Secrets into bathtubs, with mattresses over the top.
The wind was howling, it was raining sideways (sometimes up), and I could hear lightning. Know what I mean? I’m not talking about thunder. I mean everything was happening so close, I could actually hear the lightning crackling and whatnot. And I can’t have that.
So, that’s why there was no Tuesday update. I believe I was issued a warning from Home Office. Our internet completely shit the bed, as did our cable service, and all the clocks said it was noon, then nothing, then noon again, then nothing…
I apologize to everyone living in the greater Scranton area. I take full responsibility. I will never again make a joke at Scott Baio’s expense. Sheesh.
On Monday Toney told me she wasn’t able to pack me a lunch for work. She said I could either do it myself, or just buy something.
So, I was driving to McDonald’s on my lunch break…
I was planning to buy one of their fake Chick-fil-A samliches, which is better than it has a right to be, and a $1 tankard of sweet tea. Mmmmm… It was going to be very good indeed.
But it was gone! The McDonald’s, I mean. It wasn’t there anymore!! The whole damn thing. Where it had stood, just a few days before, there was now an open field with a dark spot in the middle. What in the knuckle-cracking hell?!
It was a disconcerting experience. If you can’t rely on McDonald’s in this world, what’s left? They’re as predictable and consistent as it gets. And the whole freaking building was gone!
Sweating and hyperventilating, I drove past the black spot, looking for a quickie alternative. Off in the distance I spotted a KFC/A&W hybrid, and decided it would have to do. Even though I’m not really a fan…
Wotta shithole. The cashiers were surly, and sporting questionable dentistry solutions. The place was also filthy, and in a state of decline.
I ordered one of their “famous bowls,” because I kinda liked the one I tried before, and went looking for a place to sit. And most of the tables were covered in garbage (fucking pigs), or smeared with questionable sauces and/or bodily fluids.
I headed toward a booth in the corner, and one of the bench seats was gone. Missing completely: wtf? And the other one had a gaping hole in it, with stuffing and gnarled metal inside.
Some guy was sitting a few feet away (in front of a box with “$5!” printed on the side), all hunched-up like a gargoyle. The dude was stripping a chicken breast all the way down to its basic infrastructure. And there was no way I was sitting near him… It was like something off Silence of the Lambs.
I finally located an acceptable table, and sat down with my four pound mixing bowl of sodium and fat. And it was edible, but not nearly as tasty as I remembered.
While I choked it down, a parade of Harbor Freight customers went past. There were screaming dumplin’ children with buzzcuts and muscle shirts, flabby mommas with leg tattoos, dads who couldn’t have possibly seen their feet or penises in decades, and dipshit idiots in their twenties dressed like Eminem, circa 1997.
As I was leaving, an enormous pickup truck rolled onto the parking lot, shaking the earth with its engine and exhaust system. The behemoth parked, and when the driver door opened a step came down. I’d never seen that before… Fancy.
What kind of neighborhood was this, anyway? I should’ve just slapped some turkey between two slices of bread, and stored it in a padded box — like everybody else at my job. I wasn’t aware we worked next-door to Six Flags Over Scary White Trash.
But now I know.
What’s the worst fast food experience of your life? How’s that for a Question? Tell us about it in the comments, won’t you? And don’t leave out any of the details of filth and degradation. We need it all.
I’ll leave you now with a picture of the younger Secret sporting one of our new t-shirts. Right here. Pretty great-looking, huh? I think it might possibly be the best one we’ve ever done.
I’ll be back tomorrow, with a big ol’ End of Week Topic Dump.
See ya then!
I guess I’m gonna split too. Let’s hope we can make it through the long weekend without Ralph Macchio dying on us.
Bill in WV says
I think Robert Schimmel did a bit where he talked about penis enlargement cream. His question was “wouldn’t it make your hand bigger too?”. Said all of the chicks would be looking for guys with one Mickey Mouse hand. LMFAO!
Lee Harvey Ramone says
Did you know that “Master of Puppets” was actually written about Jim Henson?
Lee Harvey Ramone says
Scott Baio IS Eminem (have you ever seen the two of them in the same room or in the same film shot?)
Rapping is Scott’s second career
Alice in WV says
who was it on here that said they disliked Billy Ray Cyrus? I just rec’d an email from our local Main Street org that he is in the Country-Fried 4th of July line up in Fairmont , WV. This is unreal. Jeeezzum Feckin Crow. I’m not a fan. at all. not even a little bit. but is he being blackmailed? Could he not get a better booking somewhere, I don’t know, bigger? and admission is FREE!
He plays at 8:45pm and if you think he’s not blowing in and out of here quicker than [insert Jeff Kay-ism here], you’re kidding yourself.
Our house is right across the river from the park where they’ll be ‘playing’ and that crap will be blasted into my personal space for hours. We will definitely be taking up an offer we got for a big ol’ party elsewhere, I’m tellin’ ya.
At least, in our local news anyway, MJ’s funeral will be overshadowed by the media circus that will be the – can I say it? – the Achey .. Breakey.. Heart…. blech.
Swami Bologna says
…for July 5th.
And it’s 8:45 in the P effin’ M.
And no one had anything to say on July 3rd or 4th either? Very strange indeed.
Swami Bologna says
And strange that the comments clock seems to be set on Central Time, given that Jeff is an Eastern kinda guy.