Yesterday I was retrieving the mail, and a spider (I presume) bit me on the right hand. It was inside the mailbox, lurking like a punk bitch. When I reached in to remove the new issue of Entertainment Weekly (aka Crapper’s Companion), and some bills we can’t pay, I felt a sting on the side of my pointer finger.
“Son of a bitch!” I hollered, and saw the red spot immediately. Then I went looking for the culprit, but it had somehow escaped. So, I’m only guessing it was a spider; I’m not 100% sure about it.
But my finger and hand swelled up during the evening, and I was starting to get a bit worried.
When we lived in California our garage was full of indestructible black widows, and I was convinced I’d be thrown into cardiac arrest every time I went out there to remove a load of towels from the dryer. It wasn’t a comforting feeling, living under the same roof as a creeping army of death, I’m telling ya.
And that’s exactly what I thought about, when I felt the pin-prick on my hand yesterday: I’m done. The bastards finally got me… My carcass will be popping and whistling inside the cremation furnace by sundown.
I watched my hand all evening, at work, and it changed colors and shapes several times. But it never really got too crazy, so I just let it do its thing. I was concerned, but allowed it to cycle through its many incarnations.
And this morning I’m back to normal. I’ve absorbed the poison and am moving on, thank you very much. I’m very pleased with my poison-absorption abilities. Who knew?
Have you ever been bitten by a poisonous spider, snake, scorpion, jellyfish – or anything along those lines? What happened? One Mickey Mouse hand? What? Please tell us about it in the comments.
Back in 2007, after Warner Bros. shit me out like yesterday’s cheesesteak, I set up a bunch of automatic email alerts, so I would always be aware of job openings in the area. They’re delivered to a special mailbox, and it’s still in operation – more than four years later.
I only check it once or twice per week, because the “opportunities” are depressing. It’s usually either part-time cashier at Rite Aid, or nuclear physicist – nothing in between.
But yesterday I went there, and saw this:
Flying Trapeze and Circus Instructors
Camp Cayuga in the Poconos – Honesdale, PA
Arts & crafts, ceramics, kiln operations, basket weaving, pottery, pottery wheel operation, sculpting, silk… Chefs, Dining Hall Manager, Transportation Director…
I can’t even follow it. What the hell? Trapeze performer/kiln operator? Does that make any sense to you? And what do they mean, silk? It was delivered under the keyword “operations manager.” Wonder how many prospective flying trapeze instructors they’ll find in the greater Scranton area?
Needless to say, they already have my resume.
This afternoon I bought a large regular coffee at Starbucks ($2.36), and drank it while I wrote the paragraphs above.
And I’ve said it before, but I’m going to say it again… With Starbucks in almost every American town at this point, why is there a need for laxatives to still be in production? It seems like they should be a thing of the past at this point. Right?
I don’t want to be too graphic here, but my bowels were just torn asunder… I Frankenstein-walked to the upstairs bathroom, and it was like I was blowing insulation into an attic up there. It was far from pleasant. However, what it lacked in enjoyment, it almost made up for in quickness. It was like a single bolt of lightning from my ass.
Anyway… Is there a food or drink that has that effect on you, every time? When I was a kid I couldn’t drink Sunkist soda while I was on my paper route, because it would ALWAYS lead to an accelerated Frankenstein-walk, and a look of sheer terror in my eyes.
But what about you? Is there anything that gets you going, without fail? What triggers your own personal Starbucks Lightning? We’ll need to know about it. Please use the comments box.
And I’m throwing in the (spider) towel, my friends. Thursday is my tired day, according to Nancy. And she’s kinda right… Although I don’t spend it moaning in bed with a hot water bottle on my vagina, like she would expect. I am a little zombified, though.
I might update again over the weekend, but we’ll just have to play it by ear.
Have a great day!
I’ll see ya soon.
Now playing in the bunker
Only a few $10 Surf Report shirts remain!
Chuck In Bama says
Am I FIRST??
Normally I scowl at the “wow i’m at the top of the list” comments but gosh I just couldn’t help myself! Second?!
And yes Starbucks does have the ass lightning effect on me too. As does gas station cappuccinos.
Your hand may be back to normal, but pretty soon you’re going to figure out that that spider was radioactive, and you’re going to turn into a mailman.
tracy in ohio says
Coffee does it to me if I drink too much. Its a dance every morning because its soo damn good but I have to count the cups I drink. If I don’t have anywhere to go I just say fuck it and deal with it.
I have an alert set up similar. Except mine was from when I use to be a baker. It is hilarious some of the jobs they send me. Nothing like trapeze artist but a job that requires a PhD is obviously not quite a right fit.
Taco bell is my laxative of choice. That stuff should come with a roll of
Toilet paper with each meal.
Snake bitten by a copperhead once, have the nice scar that resulted from
The infection on the back of my leg.
That is absolutely the fear of my life. I’m so afraid of snakes. I think I would probably drop dead of a heart attack immediately, just from the fear.
I’m a total ophidiophobe myself.
Copperhead or water moccasin! Those bastards will chase you. Nasty buggers. FLASH TRAFFIC! WVSR REPORTER UPDATE: try the Sierra Nevada ” Ruthless RYE IPA”. Very dry and hoppy. Just sayin…
WB in OH says
Now I feel guilty for not telling you guys about the ruthless rye a few weeks ago, I wanted to keep it a secret.
You forget yourself, Jeff. When that spider bit you, it also ABSORBED some venom from you! Fucker didn’t stand a chance.
Yesterday, the girls in at the office made a run and returned with some cheese dip and chips from the Dollar Store. After eating about 1/2 a can of said dip, I had about a 2 min. notice before a wicked bout of mud blowing took place in the necessity room. What the hell! Today, I finished the remaining cheese dip, thinking yesterday was just a fluke… is wasn’t. To top it off, this power dump was the most dreadful smelling Poop soup ever, which is surprising, since my Butt nuggets never smell.
Maybe the cheese dip was the cure for your lack of ability to smell?
I never thought about that…Could my chubs have smelled all along? Dang.
Pizza, coffee, Taco Bell, boxwine, all those raise hell with my digestive system. I’ve been shitting applesauce for years, so, who knows what the culprit is. Since wine is the constant, I’ll blame that.
I lived in Hawaii as a teenager and when I was 15 I was skimboarding across the sand when my board hit a dry spot and I went flying. Well, I just happened to land on a beached man-o-war jellyfish,which proceeded to wrap its filthy tentacles around my chest ! I was immediatley paralyzed and luckily my friends that were there with me dragged my ass up to the showers and turned the hot water on full blast until I could move and breathe again somewhat normally.Nasty red welts all over my back and chest for a few days……….
Oh, and a sure fire mud-blower ? Fresh strawberries !
Apparently Roberto’s in Vegas, I found out mid Stouffer’s french bread pizza today. If I’d be taking Alli I’d be humping Neil Armstrongs’ footprints like a nerd at a carnival.
Ay ay ay roberto’s
“I Frankenstein-walked to the upstairs bathroom, and it was like I was blowing insulation into an attic up there”
Man I just read that line on the crapper and the ensuing laughter caused a pre-mature loaf pinch! Good stuff
Was cleaning up detritus in the yard after the remnants of a hurricane came through and thought a stick was poking me in the chest; I dropped my armload of branches but the poking didn’t stop. Lifted up my shirt to find some weird spider had bitten me several times. By the time clean-up was done I was covered in hives so took some Benadryl and forgot about it.
48 hours later the toxins hit and I was so weak I couldn’t stand up. I’d be careful tomorrow if I were you, Jeff…
I worked for a guy all through high school and college that owned a small hobby farm a few miles out of town. He would send me out there occasionally to mow a field, fix a fence, cut firewood, stuff like that.
One day, I was running a weed eater with a metal blade to clean up all the weeds surrounding the pond. There was a little shrub the size of a basketball that had a stem about the size of a broom stick. I was hacking at this bush with the weed eater and something hit me hard on the eye lid, I assumed it was a stone. It hurt like hell.
All of a sudden, I was surrounded with thousands of black wasps. It turns out that there was a hole in the ground right next to that shrub and I had disturbed one hell of a huge colony of those wasps. They were nailing me left and right, up under my shirt, everywhere.
I ran like hell to get away from them and this cloud of wasps were in pursuit stinging the fuck out of me, I had to jump in the pond to get away from them.
My boss insisted that I drive to town right away and go to the doctor since I had never been stung more than once or twice in my life, he was afraid I would stop breathing or have an allergic reaction or something. Of course, everything turned out OK even though I was stung 36 or 38 times.
I went back there after dark, poured several gallons of gasoline down that hole and roasted those bastards.
Damn! Wasps give me the willies, and not the good kind either.
I did run over a nest of hornets with the lawn mower one time, and got my shit fucked up for my trouble, but by comparison that’s nothing.
As a little kid I walked into a nest of yellow jackets and got stung about forty times. Fast forward two years and me and my buddies would ride our bikes under a hornets net and play pinata with it using golf clubs, baseball bats, my little sister to smack the heck out of that thing. Fall off of you bike and you were toast!
This story is my utmost nightmare. I would have dropped dead right there form fright. The wasps would have a field day stinging my twitching corpse.
Rat Bastard says
Going back and roasting the bastards is what I would have done too…revenge. I fucking hate wasps and hornets.
Having said that… great update, Jeff! I laffed – the “Frankenstein walk” image is priceless.
There is no one food or drink that sets me off, but a pretty reliable morning routine is a couple of double shots of espresso followed by a cigarette. That usually sets things in motion, sometimes abruptly. If you know what I mean. Damn, now I have the Edgar Winter Group on the brain.
I’ve never been bitten by a poisonous critter, and I hope to keep the (ahem) streak going.
Watch the spider bite. My husband was bitten by a brown recluse several years ago, and still bears the scar. It caused a nice little divot of skin to rot out. If the bite turns black, go to the doctor immediately. My husband called me on a Sunday morning (I was working on the other side of the country at the time) and told me that a black spot had appeared where he was bitten. I told him to go to the ER. He put it off, because he had promised to attend a family lunch after church. By the time lunch was over, the black spot was quarter-sized. The doctor had to debride the dead flesh, and he was on antibiotics for weeks.
lori in cbus says
wonder what jeffs superhero costume should be?
sugar free chocolate, toxic hell, and metformin cause the ass gasket to let loose…
so i had my well woman exam today with a new obgyn..he did my breast exam and told me my ancestry by the color of my nips..scotch irish..i was afraid what he could tell after he looked at the vagine.. i know jeffs spider left cobwebs but damn
btw my dad was a spitting image of a leprechaun red hair blue eyes short fair skin…doc got it right..
The superhero question made me think of the movie Mystery Men: “What’s your super power?” “I shovel well.” Maybe Jeff’s alter ego could be The Hairwhipper; perhaps The Scribe.
Mmm, Scotch-Irish. Does that test work for those of us of the male persuasion?
during a barium ennama, looked like gallon of drywall mud blown up my ass with gas station tire inflater hoze,the dr said i was of middol eastern descent from color of my asshole
guess mom not be too honest with me
both mom and alleged dad were light skinned blonde
“Barium enema”? I do not care for the sound of that. Nosiree Bob.
I take a barium enema and the my enemies I burium (Frankenstyle).
When I eat my enemy’s heart, I gain his courage.
being told to relax, while dr push me up table 2 ft with buttplug
then inflate butplug
then when my swearing stops
the hook up gallon bag of white drywall mud with air hoze attached
inflate till eyes bug out
then lots xrays of guts
then lay on stomach while dr remove butplug and say clench tite
clenching not efficent
shot drywall mud 4 feet in air, in foaming dirty white fountain
do dripping,frankenstine walk to bathroom in corner of room
sit on commode
for several minutes while contents under pressure are expelled
take half hour to clean up fast drying, now crusty drywall mud from my back and nether regions
all time scrubbing ass , nurse keep poking head in saying , time to vacate, next assplosion dude almost ready
Wow, I wonder if that job was one of the one’s listed in Jeff’s circus email? “Step right up, lift your top and I will guess your ancestery.” Where do I apply?
ew thats just creepy, i would never go back to that guy.
hot fuzz says
Metformin…diamicron… I found Metamucil helped me take charge of the situation again. I just started one called Victozia. A day or two after starting I blew chunks (no my dog is not called Chunks) at 2 am… I woke up doing the fast swallow and knew it was innevitable… but this week when I upped the dosage as instructed I believe it opened a new attack front on my lower gastric areas… I have to up the dosage again so I’m a little concerned about what reaction I’ll have then…premature ejaculation? I can’t think of any other fluid that shoots out of me…Wait… maybe it’ll be incontinence…. charming…
hot fuzz says
OR it might have been McDonald’s for breakfast; veal sandwich for lunch; and then Wendy’s for dinner… I hate the days I have to get going early to spend at the office…I eat so much better working from home.
Bill in WV says
I once told an ex-girlfriend her family origin after looking down there – The Black Hole of Calcutta.
I guess that’s a bit better than looking her in the eye and declaring “Bangkok”
Warren Ferguson says
It’s SCOTS Irish. Scotch is a whisky (no “e”).
Sorry, just my pet peeve.
Playing golf one morning. Woman walks up to give me some golf balls she found walking her dogs. Her pitbull leaped up without warning and tried to remove my nose.
The good news: She was in “good hands” (know what I mean?) They paid for two weeks for my daughter and me in Tuscany.
Regarding peeves: In archaic usage, the word “Scotch” referred to any person or thing from Scotland – that is where whisky gets its other name. But I gather that usage is deprecated nowadays.
When I say whisky, I mean the Scotch kind. I only rarely have occasion to mention other, non-Scotch, inferior whiskey. Having a nice Cragganmore at the moment. Neat, water on the side.
If NASA ever needs another bomb-proof o-ring, they should talk to a few Starbucks regulars 🙂
I’ve adopted what I call the Starbucks rhythm method. I buy a cup at one store, and by the time it hits, my ‘third eye’ locates another before severe cramping sets in. Judging by the clenched waddling I’ve seen, I’m not the only one using this method. Gotta love those sturdy handrails in their restrooms. Blastoffs can be unpredictable.
Chocolate milk in the morning always gives me a growler. If I gotta do the nasty right off the bat, that’s the first thing on the menu.
Joey Jo Jo says
If I’ve been eating poorly for a long time (usually), then eat a nice salad with Italian dressing, there will be lettuce bits and tomato skins in the toilet within 20 minutes. Literally, before my lunch break is over, it has made its way completely to my anus.
Bill in WV says
Thanks JJJ !!
bunker cam freaked me out, thanks. such a creepy movie.
Miss Q says
The “Frankenstein walk” is priceless. I must use that.
Foods or drinks that make me HAVE to let loose … anything from the Chinese delivery down the road (of which I partake far too often), and milk. Yes, I know that’s called “lactose intolerance,” but I refuse to believe there really is such a thing.
This is terrific writing. Once or twice a week you give us a peek at the genius that gave you the gentle push toward comedy. THIS is one of those days when you should ask Reporters to tweet and facebook you. I write this with the assumption that, in the world of the Web, any fucking word can be used as a verb.
Of course. You can verb any noun.
I continue to await a fucking explanation for the Death of the Shark, as documented in yesterday’s comments. I will wait until hell freezes over.
I assume my Great Red Shark is where I left it. Hiding way back in lot ‘J’, looking the other way and trying to go un-noticed. Salt Lake City is not the place to even consider a terminal for this beast. I need to somehow get it back to Southern California. I pleaded as much. I still have two keys and a plan that I’m sure will get me arrested. Wat til the bastards get a load of the roll of paper towels I doused in ether and threw under the bunk before I said…”Fuck ’em.” It’s very hard for them to grasp any of this.
I’ve always believed that there’s nothing worse than a man in the depths of an ether binge. Now I know different: a man in the depths of an ether binge in Salt Lake City.
Should you need a backup driver, I’ll start on a serious drug-collecting campaign immediately.
In Doc We Trust.
Garlic, bourbon and coffee.
Not all together, but it is possible to have a meal where all three are present. The result could be a WMD.
Never got stung or bit by anything poisonous, but I did eat a softshell crab and my face ble up like a zepplin.
I have to agree with jtb…one of the best updates…ever. Hilarious!
I do the Frankenstein Walk or as we lovingly refer to it as The Shithouse Shuffle, with my first cup of coffee when I get up. Sometimes all I have to do is just smell the coffee without as much as a sip. Complete blowout. Then when I get to work, I have my daily Starbucks, which sometimes makes me go a’shuffling again. In fact, we ran out of the Fabreeze spray in the bathroom at work. And has never been replaced. Enter at your own risk, bitches.
I have said before….I am scared to death of spiders. Terrified. I could not imagine living in California with those creatures as roommates. No. Fucking. Way. I think I wrote this on another post a few weeks ago about my boyfriend noticing a red lump on my earlobe. I couldn’t figure out what it was. It didn’t hurt, just red and swollen. If I tried to squeeze it, it dripped blood (!). Then in better light I noticed two more marks beside it. They only thing I could think of was a spider bite. Which means the fucking thing was crawling over MY FACE!! I tore my bed apart. That freaked me the hell out.
Be careful of those spider bites. We’ve had patients come in the office that had to be admitted for necrotic skin. And not just the size of a dot. Why would people wait until they almost lose a limb?
hot fuzz says
Do NOT open the attached. Don’t
I did. FUCK ME RUNNING!!! You don’t love me anymore, do you?
hot fuzz says
I don’t think I could have been any clearer…’do NOT’
and I IIIIII will always love you i iiii and I will alllways love you…..and your double d’s, blond hair and red fm pumps…
Rat Bastard says
Jeff, I don’t know how warm it is in Scranton, but here in Pittsburgh it has been warm enough for insects to hatch/come out of hibernation/whatever the fuck they do. Could have been a lousy fucking hornet.
Cocaine: a very expensive laxative.
The Kravitz Next Door says
“Frankstein walk” is priceless. I always called it the butt clutch rush. Yours is better.
Once had a wasp fly up my shorts and sting my labia through my panties. So much for panty safety, eh? I sat around for days legs splayed with ice cubes melting where ice cubes were never meant to go. Now, I see a wasp; I kill a wasp (or I dance around screaming until Mr. Kravitz kills it).
Coffee does not make me squirty and hurty, but preprocessed veggies bagged and ready to eat sure do. The exact same veggies cleaned and cut by me do not. I think someone at the veggie bag factory is not using proper handwashing techniques. The bagged salads are the worst. Max time from chewing to pooin’ is 10 minutes.
If Squirty and Hurty is not the name of a Vaudeville act, it damn well should be. If you are reinjured, you might consider adopting my practice of wearing two pairs of underwear when outside. I find they act like the Colgate Protective Shield for my crotchal area.
Good luck with the ice.
The Kravitz Next Door says
I don’t know if people would pay to see an act named Squirty and Hurty. You think there’s a market?
The sting was a long time ago. If it ever happened again, I think I might wear burkas and depends from then on.
The two iconic props of Vaudeville are the seltzer bottle (squirty) and the slapstick (hurty). To an extent, many Vaudeville comedy acts WERE Squirty and Hurty. The Marx Brothers, the Ritz Brothers, The Three Stooges, and Abbott and Costello are a few examples, but there were many more. I think a Vaudeville audience would know exactly what to expect of Squirty and Hurty.
I’m not claiming You have a future in Vaudeville. I’ve never seen you swing a slapstick. Leave your name with the girl at the desk and we’ll call you back if we have anything for you.
Chuck in Belpre says
I think Squirty and Hurty used to open for the Nicholas Brothers.
Here are a couple of the Nicholas Brothers now. They can dance…
That is some amazing stuff.
If Wikipedia can believed, a) Michael Jackson took lessons from the Nicholas Brothers, and b) both Gregory Hines and Mikhail Baryshnikov were mightily impressed by these guys.
Milk only blows me out if I drink it with a meal containing tomato products.
I got a pretty tough jellyfish sting on my leg once. It took almost 6 weeks to return to a normal color.
I had a girlfriend that got bit on the ass by a brown recluse. OMG! If you’ve never seen what that looks like, I encourage you to Google it.
That bite took a permanent saucer-sized chunk out of her ass.
Bill in WV says
Those bastards suck and bite ass !!
Tipsey McChugney says
I am allergic to the stings/bites of bees, wasps, fire ants, etc. I carry an epi-pen, even on airplanes. Although I have never seen snakes on a plane. Not even a small one. Also, I think that I might be allergic to hair metal bands. I carry an uzi, just in case (but not on airplanes). I’m fukked if I ever run into Twisted Sister on a long flight.
Jeff, you’re description of your bowels after Starbucks was pretty much one of the top funniest things I’ve read by you. Very accurate I might add.
I got bit by a horsefly once when I was a kid out at my grandparents cabin. That shit hurt. When my grandpa was explaining to me what a horsefly was, I just kept picturing a fly with a horse snout, biting the shit out of me like I was a big carrot. I also got bit by a spider (I think) when I was sleeping. I searched high and low for that sucker, but never found it. I could just see two little distinct pin holes in my skin, surrounded by red, itchy, blotches. I was in highschool and the nurse ended up sending me to the doctor. Naturally, I went home instead, put some anti-itch cream on and took a nap. It was gone a few hours later.
lori in cbus says
Hey H. Fuzz,
I started Victoza in January and haven’t had any side effects besides losing weight (18lbs so far, 10 since 1/4/12).. I was on Byetta and had nausea and runny nose.
I think Victoza is great.. my blood sugar is under control (<100) and I feel great.. I hope you feel better soon.. I was very suprised I didn't have the nausea ..
hot fuzz says
I’m looking forward to the weight loss – hoping that it will counter act all the ones that create weight gain!!!!
Glad it’s working for you.
Acom’s razor would indicate it was the junk food that did me in!
Bill in WV says
Solid bleu cheese turns everything south of my diaphragm to liquid, just minutes after ingesting. Now, blue cheese salad dressing doesn’t affect me, but crumble up some of that stuff on a cobb salad and I’ll crack porcelain.
When I was a kid anything that required Maple Syrup made me blow ass. But today I can’t think of anything that makes me blow.
Of course coffee helps me to go, but not blow.
Once stung, twice bitten
Love it when I am smitten
A nicer poison
hot fuzz says
No food or drink seem to get me. Generally, the first half hour of shopping is touch and go with me. The Wal-Mart is usually only 15 min and my wife knows “the look”. It’s an anxity thing and rightly so. I mean..FUCK!! What has happened to people while is was busy ignoring the human race. When I venture out of my safe zone I fall apart and shit my pants. ..
lori in cbus says
mine was mashed potatos and home made bread…i eat a very lowcarb diet and that works great for me.. i do miss taters and bread but i do have an occasional piece..but no taters i feel the sugar rise just by looking at it.. good thing i love meat n veg
Mmmmmm meat and vaj.
lori in cbus says
oops that was a reply to the fuzz.
lori in cbus says
jeff should write a book called Stories from the wvsr with all these commenty gold
Uncle Buzz in Wheeling says
A bowl of Fiber One and I am as confident as a Christian holding 4 aces.
Today’s quote: “Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night” – Dave Barry
Uncle Buzz in Wheeling says
…and don’t even get me started on lactose intolerance. Not only does it annoy you, trust me, it will annoy those in close proximity, if you know what I mean.
On the other hand, you have another set of fingers….no, wait, OTOH those lactase pills that you can take really do work.
See, lactose is a sugar, like glucose or fructose and it needs an enzyme, lactase to break down the lactose…oh, hell, never mind. If you have glucose intolerance take lactase, OK?
(I *told* yinz not to get me started.)
The Qweezy Mark says
Just had a big bowl of Metamucil, Marlboro butts and 5 Hour Energy! Waiting for the excitement to start………
***just a note all…I’m in N. Platte, NE right now getting ready to keep heading east for a couple days. I report from my truck! I’ll get a picture of it here later. Good looking cobalt bule thing. No name as this is kinda our frist date. Been in her for 2000 miles and just getting to know her. I might name her ‘Julia’ because one of my fave movies is “Goin’ South”. Same kinda lady here. I have a Version 4G “Hot Spot”….(which somehow sounds quite…..uhhh?…exciting) and having a blast. Love the fact I’m interwebbin’ & truckin’.
There…now back to the update!
Chuck in Belpre says
If you go through here be sure to blow the horn real loud and I will lift one in your honor. BTW…5 days until I make The Mighty Chrysler my home.
matt k says
You ever see one of those videos where the guys use a firehose to actually gain liftoff?? If i get into the spicy buffalo wings, that’s pretty much what it’s like. I swear to christ i have to clutch the edge of the bowl to keep from blasting through the ceiling.
I was reading the archives and saw from 2001 when you were denied membership in thenetwits.com. Well thewvsr.com is still up and running, but thenetwits domain is for sale!