I had a treacherous ride home from work last night, my friends. Twice, within ten minutes, my adrenaline spiked and crashed, and I nearly shit the headrest both times.
The first happened when one of those retreads, or whatever, came flying off the tire of a tractor trailer. There was a lot of smoke, and the truck began weaving and bucking — then there was an alligator-sized piece of rubber at windshield-level. Goddamn!
There was nothing I could do except brace for impact, and hope for the best. And by the time I got there — a half-second later — it was on the pavement, and I just ran over the thing. It made a hell of a racket, but everything seems to be OK.
Then, just a few minutes later I noticed movement in my peripheral vision. I looked to my left, and there was a giant deer rampaging toward my car. I mean it was RIGHT THERE, a few feet from my driver’s door, running at full speed.
Again, I hunkered down and waited for some bad shit to happen. But it didn’t. I don’t know how the thing avoided my car, but it didn’t even make contact. Perhaps it was a Special Ops deer, trained by the military, or something? Maybe it was well-versed in avoiding tragedy, and getting itself out of tough situations? You know, because of all the military training?
In any case, both those things happened within ten minutes of each other, and my central nervous system was cutting in and out.
Interstate 81 is the devil’s parkway.
I got up around 10:30 today, and both boys were home. They’re pretty much finished with school. One didn’t go today at all, for reasons I don’t fully understand (Toney-approved, though), and the other had a final in the morning, and that was it. Their last official day is Wednesday.
And they were piled-up in the family room, with the blinds shut and everything all dreary and stuffy. There was a hint of fart in the air, and they were watching ‘Shutter Island’ on USA. They’ve seen that movie at least five times.
I try not to be a complete bastard, so I said nothing. But it was difficult. My instincts told me to launch into a protracted speech about how they’re not going to waste the summer lazing around the house, watching boolshit on TV, etc. But I held my tongue. I’ll give them a one-week decompression period… then all options are on the table.
Accomplish stuff! Do something with all this time you’ve got on your hands!! It’s a gift, a huge opportunity. I’d love to have it. And they’re watching a heavily-edited movie on the USA Network, inside a stuffy chamber of farts? Oh, I can feel a speech brewing. Grrr…
To be fair, the older boy has a job as a lifeguard, and the younger one is working as a caddy at the country club. So, they’re not totally lazy. It’s just the first thing I saw when I got out of bed: couch-wallowing. I’m not a fan of the couch-wallowing.
And for our Question o’ the Day, I’d like to know what you’d do with three months off. How would you use it? I have a massive to-do list in Evernote, which I would attack. There’s enough stuff in there to keep me busy for several years. And if I had the funds, I’d travel. A change of scenery is something I’m craving.
What about you? What would you do with three months, during which you wouldn’t have to worry about finding a job, and crap like that? Please tell us about it in the comments section below.
And I’ll see you guys again tomorrow.
Have a great day!
Now playing in the bunker
Use the Surf Report’s webhost: HostGator!
Bum.
I’m almost on my third month off and I am LOVING IT. I was laid off in April & sat around the house feeling sorry for myself for about three days then a light went off and I thought to myself “I hated that job! What do I care if they let me go?!” I buckled down and the boyfriend & I budgeted & laid out what we would do financially to weather the hit we were going to take without my salary, but it’s been fine thus far. I’m not actively looking for another job, but I’m not slouchin’, either. I’ve been doing things around the house that I have been putting off for too long (I’ve canned about 42 quart jars of pickles from cucumbers from our garden this month….anyone need pickles?) & I’ve started to help my dad with his dying business. He operates an old-timey theater in Redlands, CA & sticking with the historical feel he runs 35mm films reels & shows classic films & musicals. Only problem is, he blew his funds getting the projector equipment & has no money on advertising, so his business has been suffering for about a year now. Enter me & my loud-mouth on social networking, and some new ideas to get butts in the seats & he’s all of a sudden seeing his profit margins rising. He went from no tickets sold for a whole week to me planning out kids film matinees (starting this week) where we are already selling tickets left & right. Coming July I’ve booked us Rocky Horror Picture Show & I’m even supplying guests the props, and earning a big profit on that as well. I’m loving this whole ‘I-finally-do-what-I-want-to-do’ thing and hope it doesn’t end. We’ll see….
Melissa,
I’ll take some pickles! And the RHPS event sounds like a blast.
But seriously, pickles.
I’m in for pickles.
Nothing beats homemade.
Melissa, if I lived in Redlands, I’d go to your Dad’s theater. That sounds so freaking cool.
If anyone really wants pickles send me an email on facebook (I’m under Melissa Thurman…my pic is me in a red hat at a USC game) or email me at mtam0707@yahoo.com.
Seriously, I’ll send ya some. I have a few friends from all over the country asking me for some pickles, so I don’t mind spreadin’ the love to my wvsr kin. 🙂
If it didn’t cost a fortune I would literally BEG you to send me pickles. They don’t understand the concept here and they’re all loaded with sugar. Blecch…
Melissa my company has a place in Redlands…Herr-Voss Stamco ??
Travel travel travel… I mean, I do that already, but a nice, long, multi-destination trip would be the way to go. A month in Europe, followed by diving in the Seychelles, South Africa, Phuket. A few weeks in India and Nepal. Run down to Australia to dive the great Barrier. Then burn any additional time in Fiji being a complete sloth. Maybe I’d put some time in at the front of the trip to charter a boat through the Caribbean. As for couch wallowing, I guess I didn’t do much better with my weekend. The yard isn’t mowed and I spent the entire time out of the office laying in or around the pool.
I am a stay at home mom, so I am always looking for things to do to keep the little one occupied.
If I had three months (which I will have next Summer when I have enough saved), I would live in Europe and finish writing my novel. Pretty basic, but I want to travel some more, and out side of the United States. I’d love to learn French, and brush up on my Spanish. And do something that many people don’t get the opportunity to.
I’d love to drive across America…taking the time to stop at every giant ball of twine and heritage museum along the way. Of course the great nature parks – Yellowstone, Grand Canyon, etc. – would be major destinations, the balls of twine and towering interstate dinosaurs would be the icing on the cake! That’s my dream…I sure hope I get to live it one day!
Jeff, you were completely correct to have almost shitted the headrest with the tire debris – Mythbusters did the exact thing a few years ago:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vqw4ZooBzLw
watch at the 4:30 mark, you’ll want to avoid the flying tire hunks.
V
3 months off? My nipples would explode from the excitement.
If money was no problem, yeah, I’d travel.
But, in the real world I live in… I would do stuff around the house. One job I just can’t get to is organizing shit – the linen closet is a disgrace, my jewelry box is a joke, our side business supplies are taking over. Crap, even the cabinet under my bathroom sink is an eyesore.
And I’d read. Oh Lord, I would stretch out on my bed (chaise lounge in my fake money world) and read.
I would also try to catch some freebies – concerts in the park, street festivals – that kind of stuff. Food festivals that aren’t too expensive. Take an art class. Wander through antique stores…
Wow, what a loaded question. I could dream about this forever. I never have enough time to do anything. I pack my days as it is and still don’t have time. 3 months – yeah, nipple exploder.
Jeff, I wonder if we nearly hit the same kamikaze deer.
Last Saturday, broad daylight, 81 north between the Montage on-ramp merge & Davis street.
I catch some movement to my left, barely have time to tap the brakes and this deer is in front of my bumper, it was so close I was wiping deer shit off my right fender later.
Apparently the crazy thing must have a sweetheart in the (overgrown) median, or more likely on the other side of the highway.
I like the idea of three months off.
However, when I was in school, I always had quite a lengthy list of things I planned to do during the summer. When September (or late August) rolled around, I realized that I’d done nothing except watch game shows and play on the Atari 2600 all day (yeah, I’m that old!) I wound up not doing a blasted thing.
I would hope to have more sense than that should the opportunity arise now! But I doubt it…I was somewhat of a “couch-wallower” myself!
I’m in the middle of two weeks off and I’m tackling every chore imaginable to prepare the grounds and house for our youngest’s high school grad party. When I finish I’m done for the year with work at home except weekly mowings.
From now until December, I work for 3 weeks (rotating days and nights, a total of 168 hours) and then off for two weeks. I plan on doing nothing during those 2 weeks off stretches except sitting around reading at the pool, scuba diving, hiking and the such.
It’s the summer, fall and early winter of Phil.
i retired last summer
been busyier than ever doing stuff i have avoided doing for last30 yrs
and bought a rowboat
i hit the lake every chance i get
except being snowed in last winter
havent had time to be bored
Three fully-funded months off… I barely remember those years.
I have a shitload of work to do around the house and yard, having successfully procrastinated for over 15 years. But as for things I’d actually want to do, they would have to include learning proper smoking and/or barbecue techniques as well as other culinary-ish stuff. And travel of course, to include skiing Mauna Kea.
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The first thing I would do is probably sleep all day and smoke weed for a few weeks.
Then I would write. I have a friend who’s been wanting me to do some Lovecraftian stories for him that I’ve been neglecting, I’d do those first. I should probably be writing those instead of this…fuck‘im.
I’ve also been neglecting my next album. I’d dedicate the remainder of my time for that. It’s going to be a jazzy type album instead of the usual metal.
Three months would be just enough time to do all that.
The wife is gone until Wednesday, so I get to eat nothing but cheese, candy, and booze for the next few days.
Last summer the offsprings voted me Meanest Dad in Town because I had the router set to turn off internet service every week day 9-5.
That will happen again this summer, I’m going for the county title, maybe even State Meanie…
Not a fan of wallowing, either. Unless it’s me.
Man, that is brutal.
I might do the same, in DaddyO’s place. It’s probably sufficient to just block outgoing connections to port 80; that way I still get my email.
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If I had 3 months off I’d probably spend the first 2 weeks watching TV and farting, frankly that sounds good. I have terabytes of stuff I have recorded but not had time to watch…
Several ways to get 3 months off:
Fake rehab. Tell work your are addicted to and leverage those expensive benefits to the fullest.
Schedule that limb or brain surgery you have been putting off.
Just do not show up to work. It may take awhile for them to figure I out. When they do immediately take your allotted vacation.
Get arrested for a serious misdemeanor. Tell the judge that instead of probation request 3 months of ‘work release’.
Make sure to slap your attorney on the ass while talking to the judge
3 months off? Unlimited funds? I would fly to California, rent a big box truck, start at the Rose Bowl Flea Market and shop my way back to Pittsburgh, hitting every antique flea market and antique shop I could find. Then sell it all in my shop.
I managed to score 4 months of parental leave last summer and I proceeded to put both barrels to the “todo” list. it was glorious. i could do whatever whenever, i got shit dealt with, saw my kids and wife a whole bunch. couldn’t have been happier..
somehow that damned list has gotten bigger this year and I have no parental leave. goddammit.
Just started 9 month paternity leave and we’re going touring/camping with a vw westfalia. I think we’ll go from Ontario to Yellowstone national park and then south to the grand canyon. I hope everything goes well!!