I’m second-guessing my instincts here, friends. Can you help me out with something, real quick? In yesterday’s update I posted the following:
One time I saw him in an alley near the school with some breathtakingly ugly girl, and she had her right hand down the front of his underwear (his pants were fully unzipped), just going to town like she was churnin’ butter. In broad daylight, beside a crate of rotting cabbage!
While I was writing that paragraph, I couldn’t decide between “like she was churnin’ butter” and “like she was rolling down a car window.” I went with the butter, but have a nagging concern that I didn’t choose wisely. And, believe it or not, this is the kind of thing that can bug me for several days.
So, which is better? Did I make the right choice? Or is rolling down a window funnier? Thank you for your feedback on this important matter.
I voted today, got a haircut, had lunch at Wendy’s (number 1 with cheese, no pickles and a Coke), and bought a case of the golden elixir for the outrageous price of $18.70. What the heck, man? It’s always $16.94. Always! Brother… I’m starting to get all whipped up!!
So anyway, I wouldn’t expect this update to be very lengthy, if I were you. When I was in Atlanta I heard a radio interview of a long-time rock ‘n’ roll groupie, and she was talking about the penis sizes of well-known performers. And this update is probably going to skew a bit toward Paul Simon, and away from Huey Lewis, if you know what I mean.
Did you vote today? How’d it go? Was there a crowd, or was it just you and a couple of WW1 veterans? Also, what voting method did you use?
They had me put my signature beside my name in a book, then handed me an enormous sheet of paper the size of a menu at a fancy-pants restaurant. At the top you could choose to vote a straight ticket by party, and there were four individual races underneath, including governor and U.S. Senate. And that’s it. No weird referendums, or anything.
I made my choices, and was instructed to feed my big ol’ ballot into a machine that looked like a copier. You feed it in, and it confirms that your votes were recorded. A few folks in front of me got a NO message, and had to go back to the drawing board. Which is pretty amazing, since all you have to do is color in a circle… I wonder how some people manage to wipe themselves, I really do.
And finally, while I was in Wendy’s I came up with a new name for my future alternative rock band that will never actually exist. For years it was the Lint Donkeys, but I think I’m prepared to change it to Vaginal Cough Drop. Or maybe that would work better as the name of our first album? I guess I need to give it some more thought…
What will be the name of your future band that will never exist? I think everybody has a couple stored away, so tell us about it in the comments, won’t you?
And I’m going to get ready for work now.
Have a great day, boys and girls.
Good Afternoon Surf Reporters!!!
churning butter was right…love “old school” humor
Ahoy, mateys.
“rolling down a car window” might have confused some of the younger Surf Reporters, because they would have imagined her pressing lightly with one finger, with no hand movement.
“churning butter” was the right choice.
Heh, rolling down the car window might be a better term for servicing a female, by your definition.
Not that any of us, young or old have any first-hand experience with churning butter. But we’ve all watched The Beverly Hillbillies, I believe. Granny had very vigorous hand-action on that churner, indeed.
Granny would squeeze your shit like a tube of toothpaste.
yeah but it was the “gummin” that kept the boys coming back
I have to go with “churning butter” too. More of an up and down motion versus the window roll down which is more round and round.
My future band name: The Fishtown Gas-Passers.
I voted in the lunch room of our old high school (exactly the same as 30 years ago) and we voted with the same “color inside the circle if you aren’t retarded” method. All I know is that Fred Woodarski got one write in vote for U.S. Senate.
Band name is a little long – Pulling Panties Like Starting a Lawnmower.
Definitely churnin’ butter.
We sign the book and then go into a booth and push buttons. It’s all very high tech. And lots of constitutional amendments this time around.
Churning butter is funnier. My fantasy band name is “The cult to judge slightly”. Long story for that one.
Save ‘rolling down a car window’ for another handjob in an alley story – the butter churning worked just fine…
I’m going to go vote as soon as I’m not hungover anymore. The polling place is only a block away, and it’s still morning here in California, so there’s plenty of time for me to amble over there and vote for legal weed.
Hmmm band names – I figured Apostle Thirteen would be risqué in my churchgoing small town, but it’s probably not so much anymore, and a lot of people wouldn’t get it. It also sounds like it might be a Christian rock band which is totally not the desired effect.
I know that one is kind of lame. My girlfriend used to be in a band called Cunt Hunt though, and I think that one pretty much wins all around. We came up with the name Dirty Luggage last week for a possible new band though.
I’m trying the “rolling down a car window ” method right now and it doesn’t seem to be working very good. I’ll have to get back to ya in a bit.
You made the wrong call. Churning butter was funny, but familiar. Rolling down the car window is original (as far as I know), and more of us have rolled down car windows than churned butter so it wins on relevance too.
No worries, you’ll get them next time.
Speaking of churning butter I heard a commercial for our local sperm bank on the radio yesterday. They said “Why not get paid to do what you do for free now.”
bikerchick &JC it’s on the X.
GTFO! Spot on for them!!
Definitely churnin’ butter. I voted 3 weeks ago, and our county has gone to electronic touch screen voting machines. Very cool. They also create a paper record, which you can see being printed as you vote, just in case there’s a question, I guess. It’s much quicker to tally the memory cards after the polls close, so you get the results sooner. Got nothin’ on a band name.
Now I can’t decide if I should be rolling down the passengers side or the drivers side window…crap. I gotta start over.
If you roll down the passenger side window does it feel like someone else is doing it?
If you lay on your dick until it goes numb it feels like you’re pulling on someone else’s cock.
Well I laughed out loud at the churnin butter thing. But rolling down a car window would work too. But I think you made the right call.
No band names. I was in enough bands as a kid and young man. Huck and the Hurricanes, maybe if I ever put together a geezer band. Probably not.
What happened to all the hi-tech voting machines? I know they have them in WV and Ohio because I helped install the ones in WV. Most of the hill-jacks refuse to use them though I think.
I like rolling down a car window better. I can see a lot more elbow action with that description.
Churnin’ butter works for me (although either metaphor reads like there is tendinitis on the horizon for her…).
In college I was in a band called Mormons Galore. Hard to top that, but you wanted fictional, right? So…let’s go with Genital Wart Remedy.
I will try to get my vote in after work today.
Happy Tuesday, Surf Reporters.
Fake band name: “Q-Tip of Love”
LMAO – we call my mother Q Tip as sh ehas a head of white cotton looking hair.
I think I’ll start claling her “Q Tip of Love”
Sorry about the typos – I wore my contacts today and my eyes are drier than chalk dust.
Churning butter was the right way to go. The kids who read the Surf Report have probably never seen a car window with a crank handle anyway.
I voted early ballot by mail weeks ago. My wife fills out both ballots, then I sign mine and she sends them on in. That way, we don’t end up voting against each other. I want my vote to count, damn it!
My mythical band is Stereo Six Foot Blondes. It had more relevance in the 80’s when I made it up
Churnin’ butter. Laughed and shook my head about it all evening. Easier to get away with in a back alley too. If you’re “rollin’ down a car window” with any kind of vigor someone may end up getting their jaw jacked with a fly away elbow. That would definately ruin the moment.
Eli Yoder and the Barn Builders.
Johnny Mucus and the Four Snots
The Hairy Cooter Band
The Teabaggers
Pussy Whipped
“Churnin’ butter”, although familiar, seemed the better metaphor for the ugly girls action. “Rolling down a car window” just sounds painful.
Voting after work today..
I vote for churnin’ butter. I must be doing it wrong if “rolling down a car window” is the motion men like. You guys want to be cranked? weird.
name for a band = Big Toe Bone
Did she have a churnin’ butter face while she was doin’ it to him?
Another vote for churning butter. I can’t imagine the rolling down the car window motion would be wang-friendly…..which actually sounds like a pretty good band name come to think of it. But I think my current favorite I arrived to last week:
Fuck Sauce.
If there’s not already a band named Wang-Friendly, there should be. Hyphenated or no?
I think we need the hyphen to imply, um, length.
Good point, Gretchen. Wang——Friendly?
Exactly. LOL!
Van Halen
….churnin’ butter, definitely!
As far as the voting…..they had me sign my name, one senior citizen shouted it to another senior citizen sitting 2 feet away(!) and then I was handed a credit card and pointed toward a machine. I stuck the card in and the screen came to life. I then used the provided high tech stylus(pencil with a big eraser on the end) to make my selections. When finished you had to review the screen, hit cast ballot(twice!) and the card popped out and I handed it back to one of the aforementioned deaf senior citizens! Took about 75 seconds, start to finish! Hey…..you asked!
I prefer to wait until after work to vote–when there’s a long line. Perhaps the chance for a bit of overtime pay for the poll workers (they do get paid, don’t they?)
I believe here in CA they get paid pretty much the same as a juror….which is like $2 an hour or sumpin. Ridiculous wages.
My dad was trained last year to be a voting “supervisor” so he was paid a lump sum of $150 FOR THE ENTIRE DAY & later said he wouldn’t do that again if they gave him $1500. He said you couldn’t believe the amount of dumb fucks out there who couldn’t tap the giant stylus on the giant screen in front of them on actual words. Many were tapping the side of the screen (where it was black) & some old man took out his pen & scratched circles on the monitor! These people were voting for Cripes Sake!
Churnin’ butter – hands down – as a I can picture the up and down “waxing the toredo” motion. “Rollin’ down a car window” gives me visions of circular, crankin motion that seems a little rough.
I’m voting tonight. My poling place is the opposite side of town and away from my house and work. I hate the pitch black ride up there.
Band Names: FIsh Heads and Rice
Churning butter was the right call, without a doubt.
I voted, in a very high tech electronic voting booth I might add. Just the normal races and three or four state constitutional amendments. Quick and painless, was in and out in less than 10 minutes (including parking). I like the electronic boofs, but I always feel like a tin-foil hat conspiracy theorist after using them. My touch screen had a few burnt out pixels and I was convinced that it meant my machine was messed up and my votes would be counted incorrectly, or not at all. Either way, I got an “I Voted” sticker, so I’m happy.
During the boy band craze a few years back I had the idea of starting one called “Penetration”.
Exuberantly Passive
I vote for “rolling down a car window.” Churning butter is by no means a cliché, but the car window rolling motion is much more unexpected and descriptive. Good creative writing, I say.
The Squatters
Churning butter cracked me up, and was the right call, IMHO. I’m guessing that all of that time spent editing in the yurt made Jeff somewhat reflective re: his posts here. No need–it’s brilliance on the first take.
In the South Orange County sector of the People’s Republic of California, we use electronic voting with a paper backup. There’s a dial-a-vote contraption that navigates the ballot via a turning dial and forward/back buttons. At the end there’s a review process, then the ultimate “Cast Ballot” entry. After the paper ballot prints within the machine (viewed through a window), a receipt spits out with a number on it, and the process is complete. I’ve got quite a collection of “I Voted” stickers going, so I’ll make sure to get my sticker (they won’t run out, since the population at the polling place–the local elementary school–has been dwindling over the past several years. It seems that more and more people are using the vote-by-mail option. I enjoy the camaraderie.).
Voting will occur after work, and after an obligatory (and traditional) cocktail. I’ll be voting for legalizing cannabis (an issue that won’t carry my sector but just might carry the State. Legalization won’t affect me–I’d just like to see how it all plays out.) and against government expansion and reckless spending (a concept that seems to be foreign to the masses here in CA). Sorry for the political editorializing, but I kept it to a minimum, and hell, ’tis the season, right?
bikerchick: the Hairy Cooter (Harry Kooter?) Band really cracked me up. I can’t top that.
Churnin’ butter no doubt. Haven’t voted yet, heading out with the wife when she gets home. For some reason, she won”t go alone.
I missed yesterday’s update. Hate my first name. The full thing is Philoneous Brandon Jett. Makes my initials kind of cool, but not worth the grief I got for Philoneous. I’ve actually met another guy once with the same first name. We swapped driver’s licenses to prove it to each other.
Churnin’ was the correct answer. The roundy-roundy thing probably would be somewhat painful and much less productive.
The bands I’ve been in; No Exit, Burnt, Voyage, Keystone(named quickly so we could take a job), Smoke Depot and now Poor Man’s Gravy were all rock bands.
I’ve always wondered what it would be like to play in a punk band. I had friends that formed a punk band in the 80s called “The Shock”, they were pretty good.
Raging Mange Weasels would kick ass I think.
Ok, I like the rolling down a car window comment.
Here’s great band name.http://www.turdsofmisery.com/
Electronic touchscreen here. I don’t think we stood in line more than 10 minutes. A few amendments, a couple propositions.
Collective Butt was the band name– had something to do with what ppl were able to pull out of their asses. I dunno– we drank a lot in college, so it’s all kinda hazy.
Churning butter.
Rolling down a car window has a circular imagary associated with it, which I don’t see being very useful for back alley zipper down encounters.
@BofA ATM Imagine if The Barenaked Ladies where called the Cunt Hunt, they’d be nowhere today. (backstory: when they where still a local small time band, who’s first “video” was a speakers corner segment, they where chosen to play new years eve party in downtown toronto. Some city councellors wanted them booted from the gig because of their name. They prevailed and we’ve seen the progression from garage band to coke heads.)
Definitely “churning butter”. Horrible mental image. I’ve had a band name in mind for a long time. I just can’t seem to find a genre to pin it to. The Purple Penis Puppy Fuckers. The faster you say it, the better it sounds. Sorry, I know its a little out there. Others:
Scrotumnal Equinox
Choad Burner
Brown Eye Winkin’
The Mattress Stains
Adam – that’s an instant CLASSIC! Not out there at all, just the damn funniest thing I’ve read in a long, long time. And I mean that with no offense intended to all of the top notch Surf Reporters who post funny shit here every day. (I can’t stop laughing!)
Churning butter was the correct choice. It had the action and lubrication angle goin on.
Imaginary band names would be either
Phlem Phlam and the Lung Cookies
best real local band lineup I have heard was
Bitch Magnet followed by the Hymen Blasters
I forgot a good band name that I saw written in snow on the back window of a mini van…
Ball Gravy
Churnin’ butter was correct but I may have to try “rolling down the car window” although it sounds painful.
I voted at lunch today and it was the same as it’s been for sixteen years except for one new girl helping out the normal four “daughters of the revolutionary war”. I vote in a rural area where there are two scholl districts mingled in. The same lady asks me my name, when I give it they ask if I’m from the other school district because the name is more common over there. No I tell her and her response every time is “your at the wrong polling place” to which I have to tell her my address and then she flips to the B’s and says “oh there you are”. Sixteen years always the same stuff. I guess I”ll miss her one of these years when she’s gone.
The new chick was about 21, must have been one of the ladies great great grandaughters.
Oh, and we use the big old menu board you put in the zerox machine when you’re done.
Fake Band Names:
Pee Wee’s Whorehouse
Dave and the Davetones
Joe Sixpack
Umlaut
Voted at my NEW polling place today. Different civil war widows, same old shit. Voted down a school levy for entirely too much money, and voted yes on fire department money. Otherwise, just choosing one out of one judge running and reelecting the same old douchebags county wide. Electronic boof with paper backup. As for band names the best locals around here are Itchy Poodle. They’re actually not bad. Kind of creepy, but not bad for amateurs.
And now I’m multi-tasking….I’m trying to roll down both windows at once.
All in the name of science – you’re a trooper!
You’ll either break it or go blind!
like churning butter was the one…
Like priming the hand pump
Like jacking up a car
like a politician shaking hands at a rally
like a factory worker giving each part a half twist
Federal – paper votes – draw an X (top left to bottom right….)
Provincial – paper votes I think
Local municipal – touch screens – about a week ago
Skank Whore Bitches (all guys though)
Elly-Mae and the Gentlemen CallersSatan’s Cripples
Smegma
Foul Odor
Swollen Organ
Vaginal Warts (did someone else say that already?)
Extruded Dog Shit
The Aristocrats
Gee Jeff, I always thought you’d use “The Exploding Nipples” as a name for a group.
Ha – I was going to call myself Angry Nipples here but Angry White Guy was on every day… I didn’t want to see like a wanna be….
seem like a wanna be
I voted a month ago. From the comfort of my puter chair, in the comfort of my fat pants, with the comfort of alcohol coursing through my bloodstream. I voted Yes on Prop 19 (legalize weed!) & was able to research any other props as I voted from the wonderful land o’ the internet for the others. Took me all of 10 mins (I finally said fukkit on the research & just circled ‘No’ or funny names). All I know is I voted Yes for Weed!
I’m not so sure about the “rolling down a car window” method of hand jobs. Tell ya what, lemme go home, try both methods out on the lucky boyfriend & I’ll let him decide which is best preferred. Surf Reporter put to work!
I like your ‘take charge’ attitude. Your boyfriend is one very fortunate individual. 😉
Not if she’s holding his detached member at the end of this.
It will stay on…just don’t be in a hurry to get the window down.
Well, hell. I got home but he’s gone! Went to fix some sink at his mother’s house since she’s been bitching for some time about it. Ahhhh……his mistake! 😉
Where do you live? I’m available