The Big Notebook of Fun is picked clean, my friends. All that’s left, at this point, is a collection of questionable random items. So, that’s what I’ll be serving today: leftovers for dinner. Disappointing, I know. But sometimes it turns out to be the best of meals. I’m making no promises, of course, but that’s the way it goes sometimes.
When I’m at work my cell phone gets no reception whatsoever. As soon as I pass through the front doors I might as well be holding a deck of cards to my head. So I just leave it in my jacket pocket.
And it’s a funny thing… When I leave, at 1:30 am, that thing is often shockingly hot, with the battery run down. A few days ago it was completely dead, and I felt naked driving home without a functioning phone.
It’s not the battery; the thing holds a charge like a champion. And it’s not the phone; my old one behaved the exact same way.
What the hell? Any ideas why this might be happening? Is it searching and searching and searching for a network? Is that the problem? Or does it have something to do with the Russians and the Red Chinese? Any input would be appreciated, because I’m leaning toward international espionage and various conspiracy theories, at the moment.
I was in the hipster record store a few days ago, and bought the new Ryan Adams CD. While paying, I noticed a counter display filled with the new AC/DC. Since it’s supposed to be a Wal-Mart exclusive, I asked the guy how they managed to get their hands on it.
And it was another of those Sunshine moments. The guy was a complete dick, and gave me a sarcastic, dismissive answer. You know, like it’s 1979 and their business model still makes sense…
Pissed me off. I was just making conversation, and was completely friendly about the whole thing. Why the attitude? If he didn’t want to tell me, he could’ve just said something like, “That’s top secret. They’d kill me if I told.”
Yeah, I have a suspicion I’ll feel a little less guilty next time I shop at Best Buy, to save three bucks.
When did the entire population of Earth go asshole?
Speaking of music, I’ve been plugging holes in my CD collection. Today I ordered Sweets From A Stranger by Squeeze, for $3.50. And a couple days ago I picked up a used copy of Thin Lizzy’s Johnny the Fox, for four bucks.
Since I’m using The Big iPod as a giant jukebox, I can’t stand having incomplete representations of important artists. Know what I mean?
But I’m often only interested in a certain era, instead of the full-blown history of a band. Like with Squeeze, I only care about the early albums, before they broke up and started talking shit about each other. The albums that came later, after the money ran out, will not have a spot on the (obscure iCarly reference alert!) PearPod.
So, you see, my mental illness isn’t quite as bad as it might originally seem.
The iPod… Is it the greatest gadget of the recent past? It’s gotta be way up there, right? It, and the DVR. Those two things have genuinely improved my life. What else, besides computers and cell phones (they don’t count, because I say so), would you add to the list? What gadget or invention of the recent past has made your life better?
How about the Roomba? Have any of you ever used one? I like the concept, but I’ve never actually seen one with my own eyes. Are they any good? And when are they going to release one that mows the lawn?
Also, the Kindle… Anyone have any experience with one of those deals? I’m intrigued, I must admit. And once that happens, there can only be but one outcome.
The older Secret keeps roping me into watching extended clips of Dane Cook performing stand-up, on YouTube. And here’s some video footage of me watching said video footage. Wow!
Have you ever known a person who has an interest in something, but is self-conscious about it? So they feel the need to hit you with a lot of pre-scripted justifications, and trivia designed to impress?
In Atlanta I worked with a couple of brothers (actual brothers, not bruthas) who were NASCAR fanatics. They’d get really passionate about it, which made people want to mess with them. I remember one guy saying, “What’s so hard about riding in a car? I do it every day.” He was just trying to piss them off, and it always worked.
It led to all sorts of red-faced stats, like, “It’s not unusual for a driver to lose forty pounds during the course of a race!” and things along those lines. It’s a little more than just riding in a car, they’d insist. Riding, heh.
I also knew a guy who was obsessed with bowling. And whenever someone made a snarky comment about it, or insisted it wasn’t a real sport, he’d bust out with, “Bowling three games with a fifteen-pound ball is the equivalent of lifting a Winnebago off a deaf baby,” or whatever.
Man, I love that kind of thing… I might start keeping a list.
Last night at work I consumed a sack of these things. Yeah, they were OK, I guess.
And check this out. Some great stuff there, including this one.
This site, dedicated to G.C. Murphy memories, linked to my recent Murphy’s Mart post. Pretty cool, and I appreciate them calling me a humorist instead of a blogger…
But how did they know our reign of terror took place at the Dunbar store?? I never mentioned the exact location in the update, and am a bit freaked-out right now. Do you think this might be linked to my phone being hot every night when I get off work?! Shit!
And speaking of paranoia, my friend Tim is fixated on Richard Nixon. I think he’s read every book ever written about the man, and there have been a lot of them.
In today’s mail there was a package from Tim that contained a CD filled (filled!) with old Spiro Agnew speeches, in which he supposedly rips “the hippies” a new one.
Do I get the coolest mail, or what?
Also included was this message from Spiro himself. Man, he seems fired-up. Wonder who he’s talking about?
Thanks to everyone who pre-ordered the new Surf Report t-shirts already. I really appreciate it. And if you haven’t, what are you waiting for? Here’s your link.
There have been a few questions, and I’ll try to answer them now…
The design will be on the FRONT of the shirt.
It will be professionally silk screened, not ironed-on like Jimmy Carter is president.
If you’re outside the U.S. or Canada, I’m gonna have to charge more. Sorry about that, but the post office bends me over the proverbial couch when I say “Romania,” or whatever. I’ll add a new INTERNATIONAL price point tonight.
And I asked for a quote from the T-Shirt lady for long sleeve shirts, and they’re expensive. I have a feeling, and I could be wrong, more folks would be unhappy with such a scenario, than would be happy. I might do a limited run at a later date, if there’s real demand. Let me know what you think.
Anything else? Ask away in the comments, and I’ll do my best to provide a speedy answer. Ahem.
And finally, I have a fresh question from the Stealing Clive Bull‘s Topics desk. Clive and I would like to know what’s the longest stretch you’ve ever stayed awake, and why.
I don’t have much to offer on this one, I’m afraid.
I do remember my friend Mike spending the night when we were kids, and staying up all night playing poker and watching horror movies. The following day I felt fine, until we went bowling in the early afternoon. Suddenly I was having some sort of freaky out-of-body experience; I think I was on the verge of full-blown hallucinations.
What about you? Have you ever been in a situation where you were forced to stay awake for days on end? Tell us about it in the comments.
And I’ll see you guys on Monday.
Have a great weekend!
yes to longsleeves,I ordered a short sleeve2x
Good Morning Surf Reporters……….
I’m kinda partial to this version of the Banana Splits theme song….
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=flMS2gHFOH0
About 60 hours in the USAF during the Cuban missile crisis.
Bad, scary times for a 19 year old ex-altar boy who didn’t know his ass from 1st base.
We came this close, folks.
Today’s quote: “Democracy is the notion that the common folk know what is best for them and deserve to get it, good and hard.” H.L. Mencken <– a real piece of work, check him out.
“swiveled my giggle”?
I’ve never heard that expression before.
Technology?
A toss up between the cellular telephone with web access and the digital video recorders.
Sleep deprivation?
1979, Marine Corps boot camp, just before “graduation”.
We were awake for a few days stumbling around a field while the instructors allegedly used “live fire” as a training exercise.
Don’t know about the bullets, but the claymore mines were real.
I got a roomba several months ago, and LOVE IT! It does a better job than I ever did. the dust level in my house went way down.
Longest awake for me was about 36 hrs, for a job I needed someone to keep machines running for, guess who had to do it?
The roomba is fine if you have hardwood floors and the like and if you want the lawnmower version google mowbot. Its pretty awesome. Our mom and pop hardware store here had one, but I don’t think they do real well on hills, and thats kind of all we have in KY.
Sleep Deprivation Weekend started out as an alcohol-induced experiment, meant to only stay awake for 40 hours or so, but when I tried to go to sleep my brain was buzzing so much from staying awake for that long that I was up for another 6 hours watching tv and hallucinating before I finally passed out. Took about 3 days to recover.
Nowadays I can barely go a full work day without doing a face plant on my keyboard! What’s happened to me? I’m so ashamed.
LOVE my Scooba – when it isn’t broken, which has been more often than not – its just noisy, so when playing back shows on the DVR (I NEVER watch TV in real time anymore), I just have to turn up the volume really loud whilst Scooba has his way with my dirty floors.
Roombas– I don’t know how many I have. I have two in my offices and one at the house and then probably 2 olders one I keep for parts. I have given them as Christmas gifts to my sisters ( the ones who named their kids funny names). I can not imagine life without them. I do other stuff instead of vacuum now. I also have a scooba.
We do not have conventional gutters –I have rainhandlers (google it) – so I don’t need the Loog (gutter cleaner) they also make a pool cleaner and teaching model to teach your kids about robotics. As well as garage model and yes, pet models. My cat leaves the room looking bored when I run it in the house.
I can’t quite talk my husband into the lawnmower. He starts talking about my roomba “habit”.
Jason – Laser beams keep the roombas in their “pens”
Here’s what I do instead of vacuuming: read on my kindle. Anything on the gutenberg project is free. Many old classics are $.99 and some books I read are $3-5. I have a hard time paying $10 for a book now. I think Oprah had a $50 coupon bringing the price down to about $300. I spent almost $400 on mine. Early adopter nerd.
I, too, adore Squeeze. (old) and haven’t thought about the Tubes for years. Anybody Pandora.com or Rhapsody? I am so there. I have MP3 players (don’t use) and my son has an Ipod. Just too much work for me.
I don’t do staying awake. I have slept more than a day though.
Question re the shirts — Do you have a method of payment rather than Paypal ? Not to sound like a Luddite but I don’t have a Paypal acct and would be just as happy not to establish one. I’d be happy to send a check ( I’m good for it … I swear ! ) or observe the time honored tradition of “well-concealed cash”. Whaddya say, Kay ?
time honored ZINE tradition. Sorry.
Back in college I stayed up for 101 hours straight, mainly just to see if I could do it. I had hallucinations for roughly 2 1/2 of the 4+ days I was awake. I remember specific examples that included an X-Men poster where the characters looked at me and waved, and looking up at the ceiling of one of my classrooms and thinking it was covered in spider webs. After all was said and done, I slept for 19 hours straight. It is one of my favorite stories from college. I have it documented here:
http://stlouisville.blogspot.com/2008/06/101-hours-of-infamy.html
Scott, Not a problem if you’d rather pay with a check or cash. Just send it to the PO Box, listed at the CONTACT page. Also, if you send a check, make it out to me, not the Surf Report. Thanks!
there is a robot lawn mower. Last I saw though it was like 5 grand. Haven’t seen the roomba in action, but want one. that and a nabaztag.
http://www.nabaztag.com
1.) I’m guessing “snarky” is going to be worked into every post henceforth?
2.) Roomba’s rock… however they don’t replace a real vacuum.
3.) Any time I’ve stayed awake for more than 48 hours has involved illegal substances… generally from Columbia, but sometimes from a bathtub in Tiajuana. I often stay awake when traveling, though. I don’t sleep in cars, trains, or planes which means I’m driving or reading. Sucks when you’ve got a 36 hour trip from Dallas -> New York -> London -> Prague -> Moscow… but then I probably should have shelled out more money for a flight with fewer layovers.
JK, the hubby and I would love long sleeves. I would pay the extra in a heart beat.
THIS JUST IN!
I’m kind of embarrassed by this, I didn’t ask for the extra attention, but I’ve apparently been recommended for a position in the new Obama Administration. Check it out:
http://tinyurl.com/6bf9gq
Thank you, Buck. I’m sitting here giggling about the “team of political consultants” and their antics. And thanks, Jeff for the link.
Have a great day!
Jeff, you are one of my favorite humorists. I am still red-faced about absent-mindedly referring to you as a blogger in my first comment.
I was amazed to learn that Richard M. Nixon financed his first Congressional campaign with his high-stakes poker winnings. The things you learn watching Millionaire. Or at least that’s how I justify that 30 daily minutes of couch-potato behavior.
I was forced to stay awake for days on end when my now-14-year-old son came onto the planet under protest and screamed his lungs out for three months. Funny thing, now that he’s 14, I miss those days. Anybody know where I can find a pickle barrel?
I used to skip sleep all the time. Nothing real radical, I’d just skip a night here and there. Today I refuse to go without sleep. About an hour before bed every night I take 3 benadryls, 2 melatonin tablets, and two valerian root capsules. The valerian root sticks like ass but it helps.
48+ hours many times. USAF. When the blast doors closed at Cheyenne Mountain, you never knew when you would get out or sleep again.
JASON!!!! That’s an insane amount of druggles to put into your system.
This comingfrom someone who needs 9 hours a night and has no trouble gettign ot sleep. Bourbon helps with this, as it does with so many other things.
Lasers.
Jason-
Based on the times of day you post on here, I am guessing that you sleep some weird hours.Exactly how many hours a night do you sleep?
Taking all that shit would knock me on my ass for at least 3 days
Tiff,
I used to take more benadryl but I’d wake up groggy. The melatonin I take has B vitamins in it, which makes for lots of crazy dreams. My nightime cocktail puts me down for about 8 hours. I have to take something because my brain refuses to shut off otherwise (I’ll sit there and think about dinosaurs, and laser beams, and dinosaurs with laser beams attached to their heads, etc.)
Tadpolegal,
It just depends. Sometimes I stay up late trading currencies online, so I might not go to sleep until two or three in the morning on those days. Other times I go to bed at eight. Whenever the mood hits me, I guess.
Dane Cook Sux.
I believe the Iphone is one of the collest things that ever was and will be.
I’m officially requesting my wife get me a surf report Tshirt for Xmas.
Does 40 hrs awake on illegal drugs count?
harumpa,
What do you think about those rainhandlers? I’m redoing a house and I thought about using those. But I keep telling myself that there will be mini lakes in the front yard. Do they work well?
And I’d like to thank everyone who mentioned lasers. This sight is now over the top awesome.
I’d just like to see my lunatic schnauzers roomba-ized for a couple of days. Maybe it would straighten their asses up.
Coming back from Alaska, 36 hours awake. I couldn’t even sleep in athe airport terminal seats which allowed you to lay on your back.Needless to say didnt go into work on Monday…..
the portable breathalyzer has made my life better
Buck – you da man – you really need to give up more contributions to this site. And – whatever happened to Metten, Lakrfool, and CHARLEY friggin’ WEST?
Holy Crap in a bundt Pan – I’m getting all misty-eyed just thinking of the good old days, when NASCAR was a sport and my mortage was being paid…
Jason– Rainhandlers work great in FL because we have sandy soil and the water doesn’t ever sit– ok maybe on the mainland when it floods. I use them because I worry about splashback on my cedar siding. The water disperses instead of pouring down the siding. And, I do have regular gutters ( I mis-spoke) on about 15 ft across my screened porch — I have rain barrel hooked back there. the sheer volume of water keeps both barrels full ALL the time. Those regular gutters can overflow. We do get some rain.
I would like to thank everyone for the interesting reading on rain handlers.
2 straight days in Europe- it “sucked from the ass in…..”
LONG. SLEEVES. I’LL PAY!
I already ordered a small, Jeff.
Dinosaurs. With lasers. Ask the internets and ye shall receive.
http://www.machinemanuals.net/images/sounds/frickin_laser_beams.mpg
Throw me a fricken bone!
The vampire killing set at the further evidence link is fantastic.
Spiify McClintock – don’t forget Brad and Trinamick and Wordnerd. Gone, apparently, but not forgotten.
Also, Kenju, where are you?
Longest stretch I’ve stayed awake was earlier this year. (I’m 51 and can’t recall ever pulling an all-nighter in college, I always got SOME sleep.) I had to have my daughter in Toronto on a Saturday morning for a grad school audition. We planned to leave Morgantown early Friday, but there was a nasty winter storm moving in — snow, then ice on the snow — so we decided to leave late Thursday night, after I got off work, see if we could get out ahead of it. I’d been up since maybe 9 a.m. and proceeded to drive all night, crawling along I-79 and I-90 at 25-40 mph for most of it until we hit the QEH. Rolled into the hotel parking lot around 10:30 a.m. We got checked in, called home etc., went out and got lunch, then came back and crashed about 1:30.
So that’s, what, almost 30 hours?
I see by the other posts that I’m a sleep wimp.
Evil Twin: By a remarkable coincidence, I saw Squeeze open for the Tubes (with April Wine in the middle). Squeeze got no love on that bill. At one point one of them (Difford, Tilbrook, I dunno which) started clapping and said “Clap if you want us to play some more!” Nobody did a thing. He said, “Clap if you DON’T want us to play some more!” Nobody did a thing.
bucdaddy,
I don’t know if you heard this one or not. One time Bono was doing a concert in Dublin (I think) and he started his usual bloviating. After a song or two he went up to the mic and stood in silence for a moment. Then he started clapping. Clap….Clap…Clap…Clap…. and he said, “Everytime I clap my hands a child in Africa dies.”
Some Irishman near the front stood up and yelled, “Well stop clapping then, you cruel bastard!”
Okay sound off. Where’s everybody at? It’s 7:00 and I’m getting ready to go on a bender. I’ll try to stay civil, but I don’t pass out promises like they’re nothing. I mean, you can lead a horse to water, but if you want to drown him you have to be willing to cut off his legs off (or something like that). No wait, I think it goes like this: you can take a man to fish, but turning him into a fish is damn hard.
Jason,
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Jason…I’m up and drinking rye (that’s Canadian Whiskey to you…) but unless we get Brandy in here I’m not sure if I want to play…you know sausage party and all.
Just ordered my shirt, got raped on the exchange rate @ .79 brought it to over $20 CAD. Not really complaining though, it’s a small price to pay to represent!
Jeff, thanks for the link to the theme songs…that’s the first time I’ve heard M.A.S.K. in many years! Yeah, I’m a child of the eighties, what of it?
My longest time awake was 52 hours. Woke up and went to work, after work left Ottawa for the OBX, I drove the whole way because the friends that were in the car with me drank hard that day then passed out on the way, overnight drive was about 17 hours straight, started drinking myself as soon as I saw the ocean (didn’t realize our destination was another 3 1/2 hours down the coast!), got to Cape Hatteras in late morning day two, into the hot tub of the rental house (it was a five person tub but we later discovered you could fit seven people if everyone was naked, cause clothing takes up oh so much room – yes there were girls with us), partied all night and crashed after the sun came up the next day. Amazing vacation!
Jeff, do Eninen call the fire department much? This may be a weird question but they seem like the type…you know with frantic “emergencies” and all. Just an FYI, my big brother officially became a full on Firefighter this week, we’re all very proud of him (sorry ladies, he’s married…but if you’re goal is to “get” a firefighter..you may do so vicariously through me, just sayin’) Anyways, not sure if I should warn my bro about the unforseen foreign dangers that await in this town…
Kevindust,
Keep that Canadian Whiskey coming until you fall down. I’ll stay with the Jack (Kentucky Whiskey) until I also fall down. I’ll prolly make it longer than you as I didn’t start drinking until 11:00 this morning.
Even if Brandy doesn’t show up, we can have fun. Maybe I’ll teach you to pronounce “house, out, and about”. HAHA. Little jab there my friend, little jab.
Drink up.
Jay, I didn’t get out of bed and start drinking until 4pm so I may have an advantage at lasting the night, then again maybe not…I haven’t eaten today. We’ll see.
I too loves me some of Jack’s Kentucky Whiskey but not with Coke, I mix it with apple juice (AppleJacks!) to sip or sambuca (Bazooka!) to shoot.
I never really got the “about” joke, me and everyone I know says it just like you southerners…as opposed to the way described in South Park: The Movie. When it comes to “eh” though…guilty as charged! Brrrr, getting cold in the igloo, gonna have to invite in another polar bear.
Wait a minute – you don’t throw an “aw” in the middle there where it doesn’t belong? It’s not “hou-aw-se” (or whatever, I can’t spell it)? Then I think you’ll do just fine. I drink my Jack with a long straw, right out of the bottle, at room temperature.
I tried taking less sleeping drugs last night because I felt guilty by what Tiff and Tadpole said. But I woke up at 4:30 this morning. There’s nothing on at that hour except for a guy trying to convince people that they can buy mansions for $519 dollars and another guy trying to convince people that their colons are packed with waste. I bought the colon pills, just in case.
i’m headed out the door. the wind is blowing hard and i think i hear it whispering “vodka… vodka…”. I may be back…