Sunshine and Mumbles are stranded somewhere in Arizona. Their 1982 Chevy van shit the credenza while they were on their way to Nancy’s house for Thanksgiving, only eight hours into a cross-country trip.
I know I’m the paranoid type, but there is no way in hell I’d trust that big shuddering bucket of bolts to get me from point A to point B. Especially when the two points are on opposite sides of a wide-ass continent. That junk-heap should’ve been stripped and crushed during Clinton’s first term.
And now Sunny and her mumblin’ hubby are holed-up in some thirty dollar-per night whore motel, way out in the desert somewhere. According to Sunshine the place is “overrun with Mexicans,” and their room doesn’t have a door knob; there’s just a chain running through the knob hole, with a padlock on it. Heh.
All this happened on Friday, I guess, and the local garage is wanting to charge them something like $1700 to repair a blown head gasket. Of course I have no idea how much something like that would cost, but when I told my Dad the story he got choked on his Dr. Pepper, and it was touch-and-go for a few seconds.
The garage didn’t have the parts, and it was the beginning of the weekend, so they told S&M it would probably be Tuesday before they could get to it. Therefore, they’ve been in that crab lice pube-doily masturbating trucker motel for four days now. If Sunny hadn’t brought along her tin of “antibiotics” she probably couldn’t have endured the horror of it all.
And that brings us to our part in all this…
Sunshine called Toney on Sunday, and was hinting that she wanted us to wire them some money. Apparently she’s calling everyone she knows with the tale of their Arizona nightmare, trying to extract cash from them.
Luckily, I wasn’t consulted during the decision-making process. Toney just told her we couldn’t do it, without further explanation. And I know it seems cold-blooded, but there’s more to the story. As there usually is, with Sunshine….
When this trip was being planned, you see, it was made clear that Toney and Nancy would have to finance most of the cost. S&M, for whatever reason, have no money all of a sudden. Who the hell knows?
But Toney and Nancy wanted them to fly out here, or take Amtrak again. That piece o’ shit van can’t be trusted, it’s well-known.
Sunshine had one of her well-timed panic attacks, though, just thinking about riding in an “uncomfortable and crowded” train for four or five days. And flying is completely out, because of terrorism, swine flu, and whatnot. It never stops.
So, a thousand dollars was begrudgingly sent to Sunshine, to cover a tune-up (on junk), new tires, and gas money. And now they’re broke-down, after making a high-horse stand, and expecting more money.
And that’s why Toney refused. She didn’t even hesitate, she just said, “Nope.” I’m an easy-touch, and probably would’ve sent additional funds, but Toney has a lot more history with the woman, and takes tougher stands, as well. Oh, she’s tough.
But even Toney is starting to feel a little guilty now. She called a few minutes ago, and we talked about sending more money. We haven’t decided yet, but it feels like the pendulum has swung in the other direction.
What would you do in this situation? Could you tell them no? It’s easy to have a knee-jerk reaction, and say “Screw you!” But it’s a little more complicated with family involved, and all dat. How would you proceed?
They want to get the van fixed, and continue to North (or is it South?) Carolina, then come to our house in mid-December. But how are we to know that turd of a van won’t break down again, in Texas or Arkansas? The padlocked whore motels in those states probably aren’t any more luxurious than they are in Arizona, right? Oh, this thing has all the makings of a full-blown money-suck at Christmastime…
So, let me know your opinions on this ridiculous situation. Also, if you have any good “broke down on the highway” stories to tell, I’d like to hear those as well. Use the comments link below.
And I’m going to Burger King now, then to work.
I’ll see you guys tomorrow, right here.
Thanks for reading!
Whoa…
forst. la di da
or first…la di da
Happy Danksgiving
Not even close to first.
What to do? Well, I know at first glance it’ll seem like a whole lot of effort, but this might be the perfect time to pull stakes, move, leave no forwarding address, change your names and live completely off the grid. But that’s just me. I tend to overreact.
ah fuck….I feel like Sunshine and Mumbles all high on my horse, only to fall off,
Send them $500 and a Flip cam and tell them to fill it up with video of their trip, and if they do there’s more where that came from. Post the video for a fee and make a mint.
Top ten = wow.
Anyway as for S&M, I’m with Toney, I prob would have shot them down w/out thinking too hard about it.
Sorry to hear your having to deal with the stress of the inlaws. Hopefully they will re-think the entire thing and head home.
Jen
Sunshine and Mumbles. A sure sign that the holidays are upon us.
Top ten? I’m an easy mark and probably would have sent them $ immediately. However, though I’m an easy mark, I am also a grudge keeper, so I would likely hold this over their heads for a looooong time. Heh.
I’d say it is their problem now, Jeff. I’m no stranger to traveling in old vans but you do so at your own risk. Our band van (’87 Dodge with a 360 V8) broke down outside of York, PA one time. It was at night, on the way to a show that got cancelled and I was already drunk — not driving. The alternator crapped out and we had to get towed and crashed at the promoter’s house. There were a lot of drunken skinheads partying there and they all probably wanted to give me a haircut. The next morning we pulled the alternator and walked about 3 miles to the Advance Auto Parts carrying the old one for testing/deposit, got a new one and walked 3 miles back. When we put in, the bolt hole in the block stripped so it was off to Sears for a thread tap kit. After I found the closest beer distributor we eventually got outta there.
Oh yeah: I’m always late to the party so my “Whoa” comment up there actually being first is probably a sign of the apocalypse er something. Duck and cover!
S & M probably could have rented a car to finish their trip for less than it cost them to stay in the fleabag hotel.
I like Joe’s idea about the Flipcam. I’d be willing to PayPal you a buck or two to view the footage when it’s posted.
No more money- Especially if you already gave them a grand. Just like my parents used to tell us kids “you have to learn to stand on your own 2 feet. We can’t always bail you out”
That’s my 2 cents.
I’m with Toney on this one 100% – unless they are destitute (highly unlikely) or headed to debtor’s prison (also highly unlikely), they can scrounge a grand or two from somewhere and make do. Almost everyone their age can.
If you cave in and give them $$, you are establishing a dangerous precedent for this kind of behavior in the future. Tell them to go back home if they can’t afford to travel.
I say this, of course, having to deal with a mother who owns three houses (AND is a hoarder), yet begs me for gas money to come visit her grandchildren, begs me and other family members for oil to heat said houses in the winter, and begins every 45 minute telephone “conversation” with a long rant about how terrible her finances are. This has been going on since approximately 1974. So you can probably understand my position as a hardliner.
Breakdown stories:
1. A Saturday morning long ago, corner of State and Main St in my home town (i.e. the epicenter). I’m 18 or 19, driving a green 1967 Chevy Bel Air and the car decides not to engage in gear. I had just dropped my sister off at Driver’s Ed class and was heading back home to sleep. Hence I was wearing only a pair of cutoff shorts – no shoes, no shirt, and if I recall I had lost my underwear the previous evening to a lovely lady who wanted a souvenir. It was a bit embarrassing and some kind stranger called for tow truck for me. Before the truck arrived I managed to get under the car and pop the transmission lock pin back into place, but only in reverse – so I did what any sane person would do, I drove home backwards.
2. Mid-July 2005, driving from LA to NC in a 1992 Honda Civic with 300K miles – it was overheating due to what we later found was a leaky water pump bearing. The wife was overheating too as she was 8 months pregnant and we couldn’t use the AC all the way across the Mojave Desert. We had to stop every 2-3 hours, let the car cool down, add coolant, and continue on. I had mapped out every hospital on I-40 in advance, but luckily we didn’t need one. It was a long way home, even when we were close.
I’m torn…let them solve their own problems or cough up the dough and have ample material for a super-secret update…Hmm…send the dough, it’ll be a good head start for the N&N foolishness to follow.
I haven’t been around as long as most of your readers, so I’m not up-to-date on all the inter-relationships and who’s who of your family. BUT my concern would be that if you give them enough money to get there, how much money are you going to have to give them to get them to go home? Maybe they’ll just “relocate” to your house.
Don’t give them any money. They won’t do anything to better themselves, and expect others to bale them out.
I don’t think that is how it works. Problems will occur, but when you cause them for yourself, that is just stupid.
If you cave and give them the cash, Sunshine will ‘know’ you withheld the cash and made them endure an extra weekend of mexican-induced door-chain-rattlin out of spite. stick to your guns and you have a plausible excuse of budgetary woes to explain why you didn’t bail them out. Stick to your guns!
Like some others above, I’d hate for S&M to not make it to the J&T B&B, as we’d miss out on some great tales. But if I were to ignore that aspect of it, and if I were in your shoes, no way in hell would I give them any more money. I can understand Nancy and Toney feeling sorry for their mother, but you? Sunshine is your nasty-ass mother-in-law ! And Mumbles isn’t even an in-law ! He’s some old fool who lives with your nasty-ass mother-in-law, right ?!
But, like I said, I hope they make it to Pennsylvania, so I can read about it.
“crab lice pube-doily masturbating trucker motel ”
I am still trying to parse apart that statement
The S&M money situation? Doesn’t sound like either option is a good one.
Roadside breakdowns? Twice I have been stranded by piece-of-shit Ryder trucks that shouldn’t have been rented out. Good times.
You have got to be shitting me!?!? They tried to drive cross country in some shitty van that’s a cunt-hair from being 30 years old? Are your in-laws fucking retarded???
I don’t know their full financial position, but it seems to me the best solution is to purchase a new vehicle rather than sink $1200 into the van. I just bought a 2008 Caravan for $12,000 (Canadian), so I expect they can get something reasonable for under $15,000, under $10,000 if they’re willing to compromise (although I get the impression S&M don’t do compromise very well). The family can help out by co-signing and/or helping with a down payment. A new vehicle would be reliable, safe, AND anything new will have significantly better mileage than an 82 Chevy.
My suggestion for the next time they call:
“I’s sorry. Missa Tony no home.”
Have Sunshine pull a few tricks in the hotel while Mumbles advertises her assets on a cardboard sign near the interstate. If there not ashamed to ask for money from you again they shouldn’t be ashamed to ask for money from strangers.
Dropped a U-jount in a 1970 Nova on the interstate.
Walked about a mile to a parts store and picked one up, walked back to the car, installed it and was on my way. Socket set and a good hammer can save yer ass.
Being a total WV redneck will always save yer ass, unless you contract “HeyYallWatchThis” disease, then all bets are off.
I would have to give a big “NO” on that one also.
Stranded once near Lexington, Kentucky, on the way to court with an insane girlfriend who got arrested at a concert the night before. Rotor, spindle, gone. Got a ride to the courthouse with a pimp. I believe I told this story a couple of months ago though, so I won’t do it again.
On IPOD right now- “Spike”- Tom Petty & HBs
DO NOT SEND ONE RED CENT!!! I have dealt with these types of relatives all my life. And they will drain you dry. Just think of the enableing that you are doing. If you wan to help, just say NO!
Oh Jeff, this is only the beginning of a very entertaining holiday season…for us! You poor man, being stuck in the middle of all this. This story is so so funny! However, I’d agree with Dawn’s comment. I too would send them the money, then when they finally get to your house, just sit them down and lecture the holy shit out of them!! Don’t hold back at all while you yell at them for their stupid ass thinking, especially about their narrow minded views on flying in an airplane or taking Amtrack. They certainly deserve a scolding like they have never had before!
Kristin – great comment!
Good Afternoon Surf Reporters…….
Sunshine can’t go the Amtrak route because the authorities banned her for life, didn’t they? Something about terroristic threats or calling the conductor an assbag or questioning the porter’s sexuality? I seem to remember……*scratching chin*…..
I think a solution is if Sunshine returns all the Lane Bryant merchandise she’s purchased over the last several years. I bet the majority of items still have the sale tag on them. Crikes, that would be a nice down payment on a newer buggy.
I also have to agree that they should not get another dime of your money. But then i am not a very nice person…
Send them a bus ticket.
And the camera – that’s a great idea! S&M Go Greyhound, now in HD! I’d buy 3 copies.
SHIT NO! Don’t send them another thin dime! Seriously, they’re not old and feeble enough to be depending (read=mooching) off their children yet. What kind of assholes CHARGE ffamily or the dubious pleasure of their company?
Although… I did like the earlier suggestion of sending them a bit of money as a carrot, along with a Flip camera, and luring them in for more $ as long as they arrive with footage of the trip. Like all these other folks, I’d hate to have them miss a trip to your house (and thereby rob us of comedic gold), but it’s not worth more money out of your pocket, sorry. They WILL be back, if not this time. Perhaps even surlier next go-round.
BTW, I always picture Sunshine as George’s mother from Seinfeld. Am I close?
Kristin – Hilarious.
I gotta agree with (K)arla on this one. How the fuck are they getting home? And if I was them, I be shitting bricks right now worrying about it. While they are at your house they better scrap that tin can so they can afford to fly-it/amtrak-it/ or bus-it the fuck home. I’d tell them to lick your balls from behind.
$1700? I can see it. Head gasket is just the start. Driving through the desert with a likely ignored cooling system, its head gasket (twice, you do both while your in there anyway) + intake gaskets (can’t remove the heads without removing the intake first) + a likely water pump and radiator (which is probably why the head gasket went) + incidentals (belts, coolant, etc) and at least an 8hr day of labour to do it all. Yeah, $1700 comes up fast. The good thing is it is old, and anybody knows how to work on it.
Personally, I have no beef driving old vehicles for hours on end, when I got my car (15 years old at the time, its second trip (after a shake-down run + replacing all the wear items for good measure) was a 12hour interstate drive. I’ve put on nearly 70,000 miles ontop of the original 112,000 miles doing mostly long trips. I haul a trailer with an ’83 fullsize chevy truck. Replace things as required and its good as new and I don’t need no fancy equipment to do the job.
As for money… tough call. Make them stew for a while to make a point. If they are stranded… well… that’ll have to be Toneys call how long to let them bake in the desert. =-)
as much as i enjoy your inlaws please do not send money
if they make it to your house they will again ”break down” and will demand doanation to leave
you will cheerefully morgage the house to get them gone
instead,send nonrefundable round trip bus ticket with a expiration date so they will have to go home
you know how those cars and trucks windup on blocks in driveways? it begins with giving inlaws money to fix there shitbox van and when they make it to your place they are broke down again because when you do head gaskets after a engine has been overheated the rings are next to go ,so the engine will be shot. the inlaws will have to rent a car[read more money borrowed] to go home and you will inherit the pos.so no fucking way would I LOAN them any more cash let them get back home and regroup buy a newer car and restart the trip. then when they get back home they can try to sell the pos to recoup some cash
“crab lice pube-doily masturbating trucker motel” Holy CRAP, that belongs on a t-shirt! Or a Hallmark card: “With sympathies, regarding your crab lice pube-doily situation.”
I’m onboard with Joe T.”s idea. A stronger person would probably say no to sending money altogether. But for those of us who are more wishy-washy about such things, a little money goes far in allaying the guilt. And a camera detailing their adventures would be sweet, if I didn’t know that Sunshine would probably break it. But we at least need a picture of that chained up door!
Here’s what you could do if you think you’re going to cave in and send the money. When(if) they get there, have someone remove YOUR head gasket from the van so they can’t drive the POC any more and have to fly home. Then you can frame it and have a nice story to tell and show S&M that you are not to be trifled with. You could also have the van crushed which should make you feel better. What could be simpler?
It sounds to me like their vehicle would cost more money to fix than what it’s worth (I was recently in this situation withmy soon to be ex-wife’s Camry and we screwed the dealership outta $4600 on a trade in on a vehicle that needs at least $3k worth of work). I would send them like $1500-2000 since they are family and blood is blood but only if it’s to be used on a downpayment on a different vehicle.
Glad I don’t have inlaws. I damn sure would not give them money. When family is involved, it is never a loan. It is always a gift.
What would Jebus do? send em a couple of Amtrac tickets all the way home! That way you won’t have to see them and you still score brownie points for the hereafter!
I am worried about Jason he wouldn’t miss commenting on this for the world!
Off to New York tommorrow Pints at P.J. Clarkes an hour after landing! I’m buying!!
Send them money and love.
If you don’t, they might ‘shun’ you, and where would that leave the rest of us?
Remember, ‘Your Pain is Our Gain!’
Its all good material.
If you were feeling really festive you could send some counterfeit notes too, just to see what happens.
Isn’t ‘crab lice pube-doily masturbating trucker motel’ a lyric from ‘Truckdrivin Neighbors Downstairs’ by Beck ?
Holy crap, Sunshine & Mumbles are the in-laws?! And all this time I was thinking (based on the shenanigans you refer to) that Sunny was another sister. Kinda sad to be their age and so not-with-it…
Following up on Lee Harvey’s comment, does anybody have long distance moving truck rental companies they would (or not) ever use again? A soCal-to-WA move may be in my near future, and a friend of mine swore off U-Haul after she brokedown in one of their bolt buckets halfway between FL and CA…
I would have to say NO, since I wouldn’t have the money to send. Sounds to me like sinking $$$$ into that old trap is foolish anyway. Like Dogberry, I’d move and leave no forwarding address…..LOL
What would Sponge Bob do? Go jellyfishing and wait for porcine inspiration.
No. DON’T send money. As someone said, even if they make it to the east coast, how are they going to make it back? The van is 27 years old and isn’t worth the grand you already sent them. It certainly isn’t worth $1700 in repairs, which BTW, sound cheap for the amount of work needed to replace a head gasket. We’re not talking about an old flat-head Ford mill; today’s engines require a LOT to replace a simple head gasket. The bill for my wife’s Ford Focus was around two grand when the head gasket went, and that was a simple four-banger. We got it fixed and unloaded it, vowing NEVER to buy a Ford product again. it was just barely out of warranty and Ford was no help…..
Hang in there……
Oh, BTW….. Happy Thanksgiving…..
What they SHOULD have done with that initial $1,000 was rent a new car with unlimited mileage to make the drive. I had to do it one time. Started out on a Florida vacation from Ohio, got about 10 miles from our house and the car (1978 Firebird Trans Am) dropped the muffler. Ya know how loud a Trans Am is without the muffler?!? Drove it back home, drove my car (1976 Porsche 914…too small for 2 people and luggage on a 2 week FL vacation) to the airport and rented a car. It didn’t cost much and was well worth it!
Send them a door knob and an English to Spanglish dictionary.
If they need cash tell them to ask the motel manager where the nearest plasma donation center is.
I think they should rent a cheap car and go the hell back home. Also, they should have had their van towed to the local junk yard and take the scrap money.
BTW, don’t they have a goddamn credit card? They could rent a car, make the trip, and pick up their repaired van on the way back home. Do these people have any brains?