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A Full Schedule, Federal Prison, and Pie

November 16, 2009 By Jeff 60 Comments

behindbarsWe’re going to be running wide-open for the rest of the year.  Wide-open!

On Friday my parents will be here for a quick visit, before their winter migration to Florida.  And that always sends shockwaves through the compound — because my Mom and Dad are, perhaps, the neatest people who’ve ever lived.

Seriously.  Their house is like a museum; nothing is out of place, ever.   And ours?  Well, we don’t live in squalor or anything, but “neat” is not a word that jumps immediately to mind.  You can insert the standard excuses for that fact here, if you like.  Frankly, I don’t have the energy for it.

So, we spent the weekend deep-cleaning our house, and getting it ready for visitors.  No fun.  My responsibilities included dusting and vacuuming every dustable and vacuumable surface.  I also moved furniture around, and unearthed some amazing things.

I actually spoke this sentence on Saturday:  “Why is there a bag full of bags under our living room couch?”  What in the star spangled hell?

We were going to go to New York City on Friday, but we’ve postponed it.  It was a questionable idea from the start, and neither of us felt completely comfortable with it.

We were going to take the commuter bus after our kids went to school that day, and my parents would arrive around 4:30.  Theoretically.  So, the boys would be alone for two hours or so, after school.  Not a big deal.

But what if something happened?  What if my folks got stuck in traffic somewhere, or had car trouble?  Plus, if one of the kids got hurt at school, or needed us for some reason, it would take us HOURS to get there.

And, of course, there’s the part about blowing two or three hundred bucks a few weeks before Christmas…  When we stopped to think about it, we said, “What the hell, man??  What kind of retard-o-rama are we cooking-up here?”

Therefore, New York is out the window for the time being.

However, I am taking a week’s worth of vacation in early December, to finish(!) my “book.”  Just four days off will translate into ten days away from the office, and that’s when this drawn-out project will finally be completed.  Even if it kills me, goddammit.

Immediately afterward, Sunshine and Mumbles are scheduled to arrive for one of their marathon visits.  And that’s where the real fun will begin.  Between our house and Nancy’s, S&M are supposed to be here for something like a month.  A month!

And everyone will be converging at our place for Christmas:  Sunshine, Mumbles, Nancy, Nostrildamus, the translucents, and their bloodletting dog.  I sincerely hope you’re subscribed to the mailing list.  ‘Cause I can sense a few secret updates in the near future.

So yeah, the rest of the year is going to be interesting.  Starting on Friday, when my Mom and Dad roll into town.  That’ll be the kick-off, boyee.

Grrr… Our phone hasn’t stopped ringing today, and I really need to go to work.  I apologize for the brevity of this one (did I really just type the word brevity?).  But I’ll try to make up for it tomorrow.

I do have two Questions for ya…

I was making a call on my cell phone yesterday, while driving, and drifted far to the right.  I didn’t hit anything, didn’t even come close, but it shook me up a little.  If something had been there, it could’ve been bad.  I could’ve ended up in a federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison.

And that’s the first question:  what action on your part will most likely get you locked-up?  I’ve always believed we’re all one snap-decision, or stupid mistake, away from jail.  What’s it gonna be for you?

Also, we’re planning to buy a couple of pies for my parents’ visit this weekend, from Perkins.  What’s your favorite kind of pie, and least favorite?  Tell us about it in the comments.

My fave:  lemon meringue.  Least fave:  pecan.

And I need to get my big ass out of here.

See ya tomorrow.

Now playing in the bunker

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Comments

  1. Tyrosine says

    November 17, 2009 at 9:48 am

    Melissa,

    At this point you might think best part of Swinethrax is the never ending chills and body ache, but wait until the end when you experience the racking cough for two weeks. Enjoy!

    On a serious note if you experience ANY breathing problems get to the hospital immediately: Up here we had an otherwise healthy 13 year old kid die in less than 12 hours after he began to experience swine flu associated breathing problems.

    Reply
  2. Manda says

    November 17, 2009 at 11:12 am

    Thanks to sweet sainted mother of google-Your hacking issues are over for sure because for weeks now work had The WVSR blocked as “malicious”. Lookie now, I’m on, I’m on! HORRAY!

    Anyway-Best pie: Coconut Worst: Anything with Merengue! Yech!

    Reply
  3. RNK says

    November 17, 2009 at 11:14 am

    Fav: pumpkin or cherry
    Least fav: meringue anything

    Can you still go to jail for sodomy or do they just line you up for the gallows?

    Reply
  4. Gretchen says

    November 17, 2009 at 11:44 am

    Favorite pie: rhubarb
    Least favorite: pecan

    Get well soon, Melissa!

    Reply
  5. JeffInDenver says

    November 17, 2009 at 12:17 pm

    My prison stint will be because I’ll end up shooting some asshole in a road rage incident. It’s not self defense if they’re running AWAY from you, Mr. Hartig….

    Reply
  6. Alice in WV says

    November 17, 2009 at 1:43 pm

    Feel better, Melissa!

    Reply
  7. Dave says

    November 17, 2009 at 2:21 pm

    As a frequent fyer, my prison sentence will be as a result of Airport Rage from encountering one too many CELL PHONE CALL BROADCASTERS at the departure gate area. Now *I* think the assault would be justifiable, but I don’t think law enforcement would agree…

    Pie me with Chocolate Cream, thank you.

    Reply
  8. Trisha aka Mrs. Wally says

    November 17, 2009 at 2:29 pm

    Favorite pie-Pumpkin and Sweet Potato.
    Least favorite- Pecan

    Thing that will finally land me in Federal Prison? Killing my boss. Fucking hag!

    Reply
  9. kenju says

    November 17, 2009 at 3:02 pm

    Your fave is my least fave and Pecan is my fave!!

    Premeditated homicide will get me in the slammer. It’s a very good thing I don’t own a gun or mr. kenju would already be dead.

    Reply
  10. t-storm says

    November 18, 2009 at 3:47 am

    hey manda. bookmark thewvsr.com and you will no longer be google’s bitch

    Reply
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