Hello Surf Reporters! I have an update on the dog-bites-boy story from last time. Apparently some Men in Black types visited the neighbors on Saturday, and told them they’re being given one more chance. If their dog is ever seen outside without a leash, or if there’s another incident, the animal will be removed from their home and destroyed.
The woman told Toney they’re going to take the beast to a so-called behaviorist, but I think that will be like balling up twenties and throwing them into the Susquehanna River. But, what do I know about it? Maybe it’ll help.
In any case, this thing was given all the proper attention, without causing a gigantic Jerry Springer-style war with the neighbors. They’ve been reasonable, we’ve been reasonable, and we’ll just continue from here.
The boy went back to the doctor Saturday morning, and they said everything looks good. No sign of infection, or anything. He should be back to playing White Stripes riffs in a couple of weeks.
Another update: The t-shirt situation is causing me to lose sleep. I’m not kidding, I’ve lost hours of sleep because of this cluster-copulation. I had no idea how spoiled I was with the T-Shirt Lady. She was sane, reliable, and professional. She returned my calls, and everything! And now she’s retired…
I think it’s all in order now, though. I’m very sorry it’s taking so long. Needless to say, everybody will get their shirts. And I’ll almost certainly never offer them again. (BIG mistake!) So, once they’re finally finished, they’ll be true collectors’ items.
On a happier note… I offered the Kindle version of Crossroads Road for free this weekend. I posted about it at Facebook and Twitter, and before I went to bed Saturday night there had only been 137 downloads. Not exactly a roaring success.
But when I got up on Sunday, I saw there had been almost 1500 downloads. Crazy. Why so many in the middle of the night? It made no sense, but whatever. Pass the beer nuts.
I monitored it, and the number kept going up, up, up. Finally, I figured it out: the novel was featured at a website called Pixel of Ink. It’s a popular page, where they recommend daily deals on Kindle books. Crossroads Road was listed as a Pixel Pick.
As I type this, the book has been downloaded 6000 times since Saturday, and it’s #16 on the Kindle Free chart. No, I don’t get paid for any of that, but at this point… I just like the idea of folks reading it. It’s pure craziness, and people who like that kind of thing respond to it. And people who don’t… well they leave one-star reviews and call it a “sophomoric piece of trash.” Heh. I wear it as a badge of honor, asslips.
This is probably going to be my last real update for a while, my friends. The bunker is going dark, while I approach a hard deadline on the NEXT book. I’ve taken some vacation days, and need to be focused on that manuscript for the rest of the week. I can’t fuck this up. I’m very good at fucking things up, but this can’t be one of those times. I actually have a chance with this one.
I’m planning to post occasional bits o’ nonsense throughout the week, though. So, it won’t be totally stagnant around here. Stay tuned. I’ll be making it up as I go along.
Today, I’d like to get your thoughts on an over-the-top haunted house I heard about last night. A friend at work told me about it, and I placed it directly under the NO FREAKING WAY heading. But I’d like to get your feelings on it.
Apparently it costs $50 per person, you have to go through it alone, and you’re forced to sign all sorts of waivers that say it’s OK if you’re “touched,” etc. Here’s the website.
And these are the mind-bending reviews at Yelp. Read ’em, they’re incredible. Somebody throws a plastic bag over your head, and a naked man licks your face?! A black guy dances around with his penis tucked between his legs??
Here’s one of my favorite quotes from the reviews: To call this a haunted house is total bullshit. A more apt name would be “Uncle Touchy’s Rape Simulator.”
Please let me know your thoughts on this. Would you go through it? You can put me down for hell no.
Have a great day, boys and girls!
I’ll see you again soon.
Now playing in the bunker
Use the Surf Report’s webhost: HostGator!
Swami Balogna says
That haunted house sounds like a bunch of gay actors acting like idiots.
uncle touchy rape is never simulated…
I’m glad the Secret is OK.
Haunted Houses are right up there with ‘throw-up’ rides at the amusement park: Fuck you if I’m doin’ it.
I don’t remember anyone touching me “in a bad place” when I was a kid and I sure as hell ain’t gonna start now.
Glad the kid’s okay. If it isn’t one fucking thing it’s another, right Jeff?!
“The boy went back to the doctor Saturday morning, and they said everything looks good. No sign of infection, or anything. He should be back to playing White Stripes riffs in a couple of weeks.”
I’m horrified by the though of hand damage.
50 dollars for rape? Usually you just spend 10 yrs in a cleveland basement.
I hope you come around on shirts in the future. With a better supplier of course.
I’m sure it’s too late for something like this but what about guest hosts again?
I’m still wondering if Andy’s OK after that mess.
Andy’s fine. He was jacked-up on adrenaline after it first happened, but he’s back to his old self again. He was yelling at the mailman a little while ago, which is his favorite thing — behind eating.
That’s good to hear. If I remember right, he’s not exactly a puppy anymore, and I have the impression the poodle is bigger than he is. I’ve had enough experience with dogs to know that dog fights can do some major damage to the participants, as well as to humans trying to intervene.
Very glad everyone’s OK, and looking forward to your new book.
Glad it worked out with the neighbors and the whole dog fiasco. It’s better that an outsider stepped in when it comes to that shit.
Not exactly the same thing, but the other morning at 8:15, there was a goddamn coyote sunning itself in my field. I’ve seen it 2 other times within about 8 days so I’m a little concerend this fucker took up residence. I’ll come home from work one night and the damn thing will dart out from behind the barn going full speed for my jugular.
That is NOT a haunted house – that’s just legal mumbo jumbo for Mr. Shake My Winky to publicly get off. I wonder if he has a boner the whole time? And I don’t care if they use a plastic bag – if some stranger started licking my face and nibbling my lips,I’d kick his nuts so hard he’d have three Adam’s apples.
A week after I moved into my new house one of them walked past me on the way to the mail box.
Just steppin’ along on the other side of the street like he was out for a morning jog.
Cindy from Oregon says
I’ve got to chime in about coyotes – I’ve lost some wonderful pet cats to those mangy bastards, so watch your cats and small dogs. They are smart though, and a little action with a .22 (or pellet gun if necessity dictates) can make them move on to safer pastures. One coyote alone isn’t much to worry about, but a pack (4 or more) can get awfully brave. I’d discourage this guy from hanging around if at all possible.
I am an animal lover and I recognize that their habitat is being infringed upon; but a pack of coyotes is no less dangerous than a mountain lion or a bear, and you wouldn’t want one of THOSE in your neighborhood, would you?
How did the coyotes get into your house to get at your cats?
Put me down for hell no also.
Jeff, I completely understand your desire to be “reasonable” and to not cause any discord between you and your neighbors. However, you have an overriding obligation to you son, to make sure that you do the best thing for him and his future.
It may be important to let your neighbor’s insurance company know sooner rather than later that there was an incident, to avoid surprises (and to eliminate incredulity) in the future. Also, please don’t be too quick to dismiss the concept of seeking legal counsel. While there’s no rush to file a lawsuit (that can be done at any time within 2 years of your son’s 18th birthday, so long as he doesn’t become emancipated (living on his own) before he turns 18), an attorney can advise you regarding your son’s rights to be compensated for what has happened. He’s had to go through the bullshit associated with being injured (that’s a legal technical term); he may end up with a nasty scar for the rest of his life; and there MAY be a future problem with his hand (pain/loss of feeling/loss of range of motion) that won’t be apparent for quite a while. An attorney will explain your son’s rights to you, and it won’t cost you a dime. AND, it’s not a bad reflection on you vis-a-vis your maintaining good relations with your neighbor. That’s why they have insurance, and they should understand that you’re just doing what’s in the best interests of your son. If they don’t understand that, then they’re not as friendly as you may believe.
Nobody will protect your son’s interests other than you. You’ve got to do what you’ve got to do, even if it puts you outside of your comfort zone. And a couple of grand for the kid’s college fund wouldn’t be a bad thing, would it?
Sorry if I’m being too preachy, but I’ve been an attorney for almost 35 years (the first 25 in private practice, and the last 10 “in recovery” as corporate counsel) and I feel compelled to add my 2 cents of advice. No, wait–there’s no 2 cents, and no other other charge, so there’s no guarantee that any of the above is accurate. There. A legal disclaimer. My ass is covered.
I know. Damn lawyers.
Reminds me of a disclaimer I once saw on a usenet post: “I am a lawyer, but I’m not YOUR lawyer. If I appear to be giving legal advice, in fact I am not.”
Once again, I believe I live in a cartoon world:
A disabled friend of mine is looking for a small, inexpensive apartment near here. I saw a one bedroom, ground floor unit advertised for $615.00 per month which includes water, heat, and trash collection and a good neighborhood for him.
Drove over there to take a look. I assumed the unit was empty and wanted to get a look inside before calling the rental agency. If it looked like a dump, I would not waste his time.
The curtains were closed on the front window and the side windows. I walked around the back and found the kitchen door wide open and I could see through the kitchen all the way to the living room. Then I noticed that there was a very fat man laying on the sofa spanking the monkey with the TV blaringly loud.
Just what I needed to see. I must go and wash my eyes out with bleach now.
Maybe the t-shirt lady, Mr. ALL CAPS may not have been so bad after all…
Reading those reviews, sounds more like ‘Fucked Up House of Sodomy’.
Billy Joel says
Beware of the fat man who sweats a lot.
Some of us here might – ahem – fit that description.
Only they know who is them.