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A Few Random Thoughts About Christmas, and Some Other Nonsense

December 17, 2012 By Jeff 49 Comments

santa(1)Does it feel like Christmas to you?  Not me.  In fact, I sometimes have to stop for a beat, and remember what season of the year it is.  Is this summer?  Spring?  What?  These are only split-second limbo states, of course.  But I’m not exactly bubbling over with the holiday spirit.  What about you?

Sometimes I worry that I’m dead inside.  I’m concerned that all the wiring is burned up, and the connections are corroded.  I haven’t shed a tear in ten years or more, and the only heightened emotional state I ever reach at this point is… I don’t know, pronounced crankiness?

I wish I could feel again.  If I only had a heart…

A few days ago I posted this picture at the Surf Report Facebook page, and someone filed a complaint.  I was asked to respond, and I told them I wasn’t going to do a damn thing about it.  I certainly wasn’t going to take it down, and didn’t believe it warranted an age restriction, either.  Now Zuckerberg will probably shut the page down.  Right?

What the hell, man??  What are your thoughts on this?  How could somebody possibly be offended?  And if they are such delicate flowers, why are they following me?  Good god.

Last night I dreamt I was posting something to Twitter (clearly, I need shock treatment), and when I woke up I could actually remember what I wrote:

You never see any kids doing Pete Rose slides through Sears anymore. #DifferentEra

Is that bizarre, or what?  As soon as I got up I posted it to Twitter, just like I did in my dream.  And it was largely ignored.  Weird shit.  Who dreams about tweeting?

On Christmas Eve I have to work until 8, and will be home with a Dogfish Head in my hand by 8:40.  Then I won’t have to return to work until Sunday afternoon.  About six days in a row…  I’m going to spend Christmas Day with the family, then it’s gonna be a full-frontal assault on the book.

I’m reworking the first 100 pages, yet again, and told my agent I’d have it to her in “early January.”  So, that means January 14 or before, right?  I’ve made some good progress, but there’s still a lot to do.  I need to get crackin’ on that shit.

So, if you’d be interested in maybe writing a guest update, drop me a line.  I’m going to be away from the site, but would like to have some guest posts to take up my slack.  If you’re interested in something like that, let me know.  I’d especially like to hear from a few of the comments section regulars.

Or maybe I should ask Jason Castleberry?  Or Rockin’ Randi?  No, I’ll only have three spots available, and would like for them to be taken by regular commenters, if possible.  Shoot me an email if you’re interested.  Also, in the comments, feel free to nominate folks for this homework assignment.  Which Surf Reporters would you like to see write a guest post?

Thanks to Clive Bull, these Quality Street candies have become a Christmas tradition here at Chez Kay.  Unfortunately, I don’t know where I can buy them locally.  They’re nothing exotic, but I never see them anywhere around here.  Wegmans used to carry them, but not anymore.  I have a feeling I’m going to panic, drop thirty bucks on that tin, and Toney will see them at Wal-Mart two days later for $5.88.

Do you have any holiday food traditions that require mail order?  Do you import something from “back home,” or whatever?  Or do you have something like my Quality Street hankerin’?  Please tell us about it in the comments.

And I’m calling it a day, my friends.

See you again tomorrow!

Now playing in the bunker
Do your holiday shopping at Amazon: US and Canada

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Comments

  1. WB in OH says

    December 17, 2012 at 1:59 pm

    I think I’m in the mood for some AWG.

    Reply
    • ron says

      December 17, 2012 at 3:46 pm

      ditto

      Reply
  2. Ognir says

    December 17, 2012 at 2:00 pm

    I’ll take a 60 degree December over snow for Christmas.

    Reply
  3. Theresa says

    December 17, 2012 at 2:04 pm

    They have that candy in BJ’s Wholesale.

    Reply
    • icecycle66 says

      December 17, 2012 at 2:41 pm

      I love the idea of wholesale BJs.

      Reply
      • chill says

        December 17, 2012 at 7:18 pm

        Cheaper by the gross.
        .

        Reply
  4. Becca says

    December 17, 2012 at 2:08 pm

    OMG – I poop rainbows too… I thought I was the only one.

    Reply
  5. johnthebasket says

    December 17, 2012 at 2:36 pm

    Why are there so many songs about rainbows, and what’s on the other side? Rainbow’s are visions, they’re only illusions and rainbows have nothing to hide.

    jtb

    Reply
    • CADude says

      December 18, 2012 at 3:01 pm

      I know you’re wrong, wait and see.

      Reply
  6. Knucklehead says

    December 17, 2012 at 2:38 pm

    Bah humbug.

    Reply
  7. icecycle66 says

    December 17, 2012 at 2:40 pm

    I intentionally disregard holiday’s of any sort. The closest thing I’ve ever done to getting a gift for someone is when a my wife makes me sign cards.

    Around this time of year I can’t just forget that Christmas is upcoming; both the Christmas lovers and the Christmas haters feel it is their responsibility to make sure the Christmas indiferrents know when Christmas is.

    But still I ignore it to the best of my ability. If I want to celebrate some dudes birthday, I will whenever I feel like it. if I want to buy someone something and wrap it in butcher paper, I will whenever I feel like it.

    Although I don’t mind benefiting from everyone elses holiday spirit. My boss just told me I’m not allowed to come to work on Friday. WOOHOO!

    —–

    Every year since I lived in Missouruh I’ve thought about having some Toppsy’s popcorn sent to me. That shit was delicious. But whenver I go to their website I realize that I am considering consumption of mail-order popped corn. Why bother, I could just eat the packaging material all my other junk comes in.

    There is one interesting product though. The 6.5 gallon bucket of popcorn. SIX AND A HALF GALLONS!

    I want to order two or three of them just to see the UPS man walk down my sidewalk with a novelty sized barrel of dried and fluffled sweet corn.

    —–

    Your butt, corroded.

    Reply
    • johnthebasket says

      December 17, 2012 at 2:52 pm

      Not to be overly detailed, but maybe there’s middle ground on both Christmas and apostrophes.

      jtb

      Reply
      • icecycle66 says

        December 17, 2012 at 2:55 pm

        Wha’t ever’s.

        I’m in a ragein’ mood’s. I got no time to worry about proper placement’s of apostrophe’s.

        Not like i read these thing’s after I finish righing them. Hell, your lucky I don’t type them with my feets most of the time’s.

        Reply
  8. Uncle_Wedgie says

    December 17, 2012 at 2:40 pm

    I only poop rainbows after eating beets. It ain’t pretty.

    Reply
  9. icecycle66 says

    December 17, 2012 at 2:41 pm

    I recently found out that if you eat an entire family size box of double stuffed Oreo cookis, you poop blackness.

    Reply
    • hardoxdan says

      December 17, 2012 at 4:33 pm

      My daughter thought she had some horrible disease recently when she made a fluorescent blue Number 2.

      It turns out that she ate an entire box of Boo Berry cereal, or some such, and it was the food coloring.

      Reply
  10. johnthebasket says

    December 17, 2012 at 2:43 pm

    Buying too much Quality Street candy could land you right on Queer Street.

    I’m just saying…

    jtb

    Reply
  11. Sherri says

    December 17, 2012 at 2:52 pm

    Someone found that photo offensive? Hell, I passed it right along to a co-worker of mine who claims she so princess-llke she pees glitter and we both had a good laugh.

    What is wrong with people. I witnessed things at the bus stop this morning that were WAY more offensive than the doll, like people in their pajamas/jeans/Walmart wear.

    Reply
    • CitizenX says

      December 17, 2012 at 8:08 pm

      I agree. Nonsense. Or a simple mistake that they did not realize they could un-do.

      Don’t worry about one flag, Jeff.
      The FB page will survive.

      Reply
  12. Jason says

    December 17, 2012 at 3:20 pm

    It takes a real shitcock to complain over a picture like that.

    Ever year I get cooked BBQ from a particular restaurant in Texas. Maybe that’s weird, but I’ve been doing it for about eight years now.

    We go to Waffle House every Christmas morning.

    Reply
    • Rick says

      December 17, 2012 at 5:28 pm

      I’m glad I’m not the only one who’s wound up at Waffle House on Christmas more than once! 🙂

      Reply
      • Lucie in Tampa says

        December 18, 2012 at 10:10 am

        I only eat waffle house after a night of drinking & clubbing (baby seals- j/k) or a concert, Needless to say I only eat there about once a year, cuz I never drink much & to me the food has to be ate while sloshed or it just isn”t that good….

        Reply
  13. Fancy Pants Maguire says

    December 17, 2012 at 3:22 pm

    It is usually around this time of year that I like to remind people of the true meaning of Christmas. Christmas is about giving, and reindeer, and brightly lit evergreen trees. Listening to Lou Reed’s Machine Metal Music over and over again at full volume until the neighbors call the police at 3:30am. Christmas is the perfect time to open your heart to those that you love. It is also the perfect time for a really satisfying bowel movement. Watching It’s a Wonderful Life on TV, and pouring 4 gallons or so of 40-weight motor oil into a pristine waterway.

    Reply
  14. dto says

    December 17, 2012 at 3:29 pm

    “Get a daily helping of internet craziness at the Surf Report Facebook page”….so I’m guessing you link to that and your 38,749 followers read what we write here in the comments too? That how it works? And someone’s pissed about a gay, rainbow shitting unicorn. And you get called out for it? Well, I’m glad to find out where Facebook draws the line on decency.

    Reply
  15. ron says

    December 17, 2012 at 3:40 pm

    would be nice to know what buck is up to these days

    Reply
    • Good2go says

      December 17, 2012 at 9:29 pm

      I agree with this post.

      Reply
    • Big Bear In OH says

      December 17, 2012 at 11:52 pm

      Wholeheartedly agree. I miss Buck and his stories.

      Reply
  16. dto says

    December 17, 2012 at 3:44 pm

    ***sing along/earworm alert

    Eat whole kerrnel corn
    And raw shredded carrots
    Down lots of blueberries too.
    Put them together and what have you got?
    Colorful rainbow-like poo.

    Reply
  17. t-storm says

    December 17, 2012 at 4:21 pm

    Rainbows are a gay slang for semen.

    Reply
  18. dto says

    December 17, 2012 at 5:11 pm

    I did my Christmas giving to the world of retail this morning. Bought/ ordered a Kindle for Bev (through the wvsr link thakyouverymuch). She mentioned wanting one a little while ago. That and some god-awful stinkwater she wears too much of. So I figured I can keep her mind active, her mouth shut and I won’t have to smell her. Fuck yeah I’m in the Christmas spirit!

    Reply
    • dto says

      December 18, 2012 at 9:01 am

      ***actually I bought her the colone too. She likes it. And I like her. And if the Mayans were right…it will be held up in shipping somewhere.

      Reply
  19. Average Jane says

    December 17, 2012 at 5:22 pm

    World Market has the Quality Street chocolates for $19.99 with free shipping (or you can just go there if there’s one near you). http://www.worldmarket.com/product/quality+street+chocolate+tin.do?page=11&from=fn

    Reply
  20. Rick says

    December 17, 2012 at 5:24 pm

    Fed some different colored Twizzlers to my sister’s parrot, Elvis. He pooped the rainbow after that, honest to God!

    Reply
  21. Tax season! says

    December 17, 2012 at 7:00 pm

    Wanting to feel the Christmas spirit but having a hard time of thanks to the IRS. Yes, the IRS. Was told back in March that I owed a little over $1k for the year 2007 (thanks to my ex-husband…long story). Was told after you pay us you can request a penalty abatement (penalties charged and added on paid back to you). Spoke with numerous agents who said the same. Was also told that’s all you owe…yep…a little over $1k and, no, we cannot come back and say you owe more, later, after you’ve paid the $1k. Really? Yep. You sure? Yep. Paid them off in full on 9/20 and did a little happy dance. Filed for penalties back. Waited for refund. Instead, you guessed it…I get a letter dated 11/30 stating I owe them more money. It’s $168 and change but I am pissed as all hell since that should be holiday gift money not “You all lied to me and I have to pay you anyway since you are the government” money. How do you explain to your kids that you can’t give them gifts because the IRS want(ed) *their* money by 12/13 (I didn’t pay, I don’t have it) and…get this…the penalty alone if not paid by 12/13 is MORE than the $168. Merry Fuckin’ Christmas Government Douchebags. (Yes, I’ve worked with the Taxpayer’s Advocate and gotten nowhere. The IRS says you have to pay…you have to pay). I just want to curl into a ball and cry.

    Reply
  22. Limey says

    December 17, 2012 at 7:09 pm

    Quality Street is pretty low grade stuff (I like the green coconut ones). If you’re buying that sort of candy try some Cadbury Roses, same sort of idea but slightly nicer IMO (I like the purple hazelnut caramel ones).

    Reply
  23. Phil Jett says

    December 17, 2012 at 7:32 pm

    I haven’t been in the Christmas mood for years, but then I have to work Christmas eve or day most years. I don’t this year. In fact, I’m off the week leading into Christmas and don’t work until the Friday after.

    All done shopping, house decorated music playing etc. It might actually be a good one.

    As for tradition, I always have to have some homemade chex mix. Not this new fancy recipes with bark and peppermint shit in it. Good guy food like pretzels, nuts, some spicy cheez-its etc. Some shit that goes good with an ice cold beer and a shot of whiskey.

    Reply
  24. Doug says

    December 17, 2012 at 8:20 pm

    I vote for Rockin’ Randi. Haven’t heard from her in years. As to the best of my recall, she’s not been disgraced.

    Reply
  25. girlgoyle says

    December 17, 2012 at 9:31 pm

    This Christmas has really snuck up on me. I have most presents bought and the stuff I need to bake but I haven’t even started my Holiday (In case they don’t go out until after Xmas) cards.

    Maybe I am hedging my bet on the Mayans

    Reply
  26. Good2go says

    December 17, 2012 at 9:31 pm

    I usually poop rainbows after eating Almond Joy pieces…

    http://www.hersheys.com/pieces/products/almond-joy-pieces.aspx

    Reply
  27. Ed says

    December 17, 2012 at 11:07 pm

    AWG is always good for a guest column, as is Jason. Since Jason had a turn not long ago, maybe his frenemy Farty T. could do one.

    I think Bikerchick would be great – she has a way with words and is funny as hell. I’d also like to see one from Tammy.

    Reply
  28. madz1962 says

    December 18, 2012 at 10:07 am

    I can’t wait for the end of the holidays. Ho Ho Ho, this.

    There are far too many excellent posters here to choose one or two. Can everyone take a sentence?

    Reply
  29. bikerchick says

    December 18, 2012 at 11:19 am

    Soooo…..some dickbeater is offended by the PHOTO of an actual toy?!? Then he obviously hasn’t seen the TV commercial for the pooping weiner dog. I accidentally ran across it while flipping channels the other day. A mother and her kid have this “dog”, life sized mind you, that pisses yellow colored pellets and poops brown ones. Then the two of them stand there cheering like they just won the fucking lottery. I sat there with my mouth hanging open. I think a few pellets fell out too. Unbelievable.

    Reply
    • WB in OH says

      December 18, 2012 at 12:28 pm

      “Then the two of them stand there cheering like they just won the fucking lottery.”…LMAO!!

      Reply
    • The 4th Stooge says

      December 20, 2012 at 10:51 am

      Hell, if anything, I was surprised as hell that it wasn’t one of those “Engrish” toys you sometimes see in the various dollar stores. It certainly has that vibe.

      It’s amazing, what with all that is happening in the world, that someone could find that picture offensive. As a toy, yeah, it sucks ass, (and rainbows!) but I’m definitely not offended.

      Reply
    • The 4th Stooge says

      December 20, 2012 at 10:55 am

      Okay, “Further Evidence Guy” entertained a friend in the backyard with his hands; has some weird-ass machine that sounds NOTHING like xylophone. We all know what they sound like. I know xylophones. You, sir, are no xylophone.

      Reply
  30. Drug Delivery Guy says

    December 18, 2012 at 11:45 am

    What ever happened to

    NJGirl
    MsDeniseWight
    Paulo
    ChrisBoone, NC
    Teddy Glass
    Mark Maynard
    Sam Gassaway

    Reply
  31. Rat Bastard says

    December 18, 2012 at 12:17 pm

    AWG
    Buck
    Bikerchick
    My votes…

    Reply
  32. ron says

    December 18, 2012 at 1:38 pm

    friends and fambly used to buy me useless crap for christmas,requireing me to christmas shop, i hate shopping
    i asked them nicely to refrain, spend what usually spend on me to buy somethng for themselves, or go out to eat somewhere they like, using what was budgeted for me,

    i put stop to buying me gifts by giving everyone that gifted me a live bunny,and told each gifter that theirs was the most popular 1 in the cage,

    ”does this bunny look knocked up to you?”

    that put a stop to me having to christmas shop and bunnys were all regifted within 24 hours

    Reply
  33. WB in OH says

    December 18, 2012 at 1:56 pm

    RE: Further Evidence. BUY A FUCKING XYLOPHONE!

    Reply

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