Does it feel like Christmas to you? Not me. In fact, I sometimes have to stop for a beat, and remember what season of the year it is. Is this summer? Spring? What? These are only split-second limbo states, of course. But I’m not exactly bubbling over with the holiday spirit. What about you?
Sometimes I worry that I’m dead inside. I’m concerned that all the wiring is burned up, and the connections are corroded. I haven’t shed a tear in ten years or more, and the only heightened emotional state I ever reach at this point is… I don’t know, pronounced crankiness?
I wish I could feel again. If I only had a heart…
A few days ago I posted this picture at the Surf Report Facebook page, and someone filed a complaint. I was asked to respond, and I told them I wasn’t going to do a damn thing about it. I certainly wasn’t going to take it down, and didn’t believe it warranted an age restriction, either. Now Zuckerberg will probably shut the page down. Right?
What the hell, man?? What are your thoughts on this? How could somebody possibly be offended? And if they are such delicate flowers, why are they following me? Good god.
Last night I dreamt I was posting something to Twitter (clearly, I need shock treatment), and when I woke up I could actually remember what I wrote:
You never see any kids doing Pete Rose slides through Sears anymore. #DifferentEra
Is that bizarre, or what? As soon as I got up I posted it to Twitter, just like I did in my dream. And it was largely ignored. Weird shit. Who dreams about tweeting?
On Christmas Eve I have to work until 8, and will be home with a Dogfish Head in my hand by 8:40. Then I won’t have to return to work until Sunday afternoon. About six days in a row… I’m going to spend Christmas Day with the family, then it’s gonna be a full-frontal assault on the book.
I’m reworking the first 100 pages, yet again, and told my agent I’d have it to her in “early January.” So, that means January 14 or before, right? I’ve made some good progress, but there’s still a lot to do. I need to get crackin’ on that shit.
So, if you’d be interested in maybe writing a guest update, drop me a line. I’m going to be away from the site, but would like to have some guest posts to take up my slack. If you’re interested in something like that, let me know. I’d especially like to hear from a few of the comments section regulars.
Or maybe I should ask Jason Castleberry? Or Rockin’ Randi? No, I’ll only have three spots available, and would like for them to be taken by regular commenters, if possible. Shoot me an email if you’re interested. Also, in the comments, feel free to nominate folks for this homework assignment. Which Surf Reporters would you like to see write a guest post?
Thanks to Clive Bull, these Quality Street candies have become a Christmas tradition here at Chez Kay. Unfortunately, I don’t know where I can buy them locally. They’re nothing exotic, but I never see them anywhere around here. Wegmans used to carry them, but not anymore. I have a feeling I’m going to panic, drop thirty bucks on that tin, and Toney will see them at Wal-Mart two days later for $5.88.
Do you have any holiday food traditions that require mail order? Do you import something from “back home,” or whatever? Or do you have something like my Quality Street hankerin’? Please tell us about it in the comments.
And I’m calling it a day, my friends.
See you again tomorrow!
Now playing in the bunker
Do your holiday shopping at Amazon: US and Canada
I think I’m in the mood for some AWG.
ditto
I’ll take a 60 degree December over snow for Christmas.
They have that candy in BJ’s Wholesale.
I love the idea of wholesale BJs.
Cheaper by the gross.
.
OMG – I poop rainbows too… I thought I was the only one.
Why are there so many songs about rainbows, and what’s on the other side? Rainbow’s are visions, they’re only illusions and rainbows have nothing to hide.
jtb
I know you’re wrong, wait and see.
Bah humbug.
I intentionally disregard holiday’s of any sort. The closest thing I’ve ever done to getting a gift for someone is when a my wife makes me sign cards.
Around this time of year I can’t just forget that Christmas is upcoming; both the Christmas lovers and the Christmas haters feel it is their responsibility to make sure the Christmas indiferrents know when Christmas is.
But still I ignore it to the best of my ability. If I want to celebrate some dudes birthday, I will whenever I feel like it. if I want to buy someone something and wrap it in butcher paper, I will whenever I feel like it.
Although I don’t mind benefiting from everyone elses holiday spirit. My boss just told me I’m not allowed to come to work on Friday. WOOHOO!
—–
Every year since I lived in Missouruh I’ve thought about having some Toppsy’s popcorn sent to me. That shit was delicious. But whenver I go to their website I realize that I am considering consumption of mail-order popped corn. Why bother, I could just eat the packaging material all my other junk comes in.
There is one interesting product though. The 6.5 gallon bucket of popcorn. SIX AND A HALF GALLONS!
I want to order two or three of them just to see the UPS man walk down my sidewalk with a novelty sized barrel of dried and fluffled sweet corn.
—–
Your butt, corroded.
Not to be overly detailed, but maybe there’s middle ground on both Christmas and apostrophes.
jtb
Wha’t ever’s.
I’m in a ragein’ mood’s. I got no time to worry about proper placement’s of apostrophe’s.
Not like i read these thing’s after I finish righing them. Hell, your lucky I don’t type them with my feets most of the time’s.
I only poop rainbows after eating beets. It ain’t pretty.
I recently found out that if you eat an entire family size box of double stuffed Oreo cookis, you poop blackness.
My daughter thought she had some horrible disease recently when she made a fluorescent blue Number 2.
It turns out that she ate an entire box of Boo Berry cereal, or some such, and it was the food coloring.
Buying too much Quality Street candy could land you right on Queer Street.
I’m just saying…
jtb
Someone found that photo offensive? Hell, I passed it right along to a co-worker of mine who claims she so princess-llke she pees glitter and we both had a good laugh.
What is wrong with people. I witnessed things at the bus stop this morning that were WAY more offensive than the doll, like people in their pajamas/jeans/Walmart wear.
I agree. Nonsense. Or a simple mistake that they did not realize they could un-do.
Don’t worry about one flag, Jeff.
The FB page will survive.
It takes a real shitcock to complain over a picture like that.
Ever year I get cooked BBQ from a particular restaurant in Texas. Maybe that’s weird, but I’ve been doing it for about eight years now.
We go to Waffle House every Christmas morning.
I’m glad I’m not the only one who’s wound up at Waffle House on Christmas more than once! 🙂
I only eat waffle house after a night of drinking & clubbing (baby seals- j/k) or a concert, Needless to say I only eat there about once a year, cuz I never drink much & to me the food has to be ate while sloshed or it just isn”t that good….
It is usually around this time of year that I like to remind people of the true meaning of Christmas. Christmas is about giving, and reindeer, and brightly lit evergreen trees. Listening to Lou Reed’s Machine Metal Music over and over again at full volume until the neighbors call the police at 3:30am. Christmas is the perfect time to open your heart to those that you love. It is also the perfect time for a really satisfying bowel movement. Watching It’s a Wonderful Life on TV, and pouring 4 gallons or so of 40-weight motor oil into a pristine waterway.
“Get a daily helping of internet craziness at the Surf Report Facebook page”….so I’m guessing you link to that and your 38,749 followers read what we write here in the comments too? That how it works? And someone’s pissed about a gay, rainbow shitting unicorn. And you get called out for it? Well, I’m glad to find out where Facebook draws the line on decency.
would be nice to know what buck is up to these days
I agree with this post.
Wholeheartedly agree. I miss Buck and his stories.
***sing along/earworm alert
Eat whole kerrnel corn
And raw shredded carrots
Down lots of blueberries too.
Put them together and what have you got?
Colorful rainbow-like poo.
Rainbows are a gay slang for semen.
I did my Christmas giving to the world of retail this morning. Bought/ ordered a Kindle for Bev (through the wvsr link thakyouverymuch). She mentioned wanting one a little while ago. That and some god-awful stinkwater she wears too much of. So I figured I can keep her mind active, her mouth shut and I won’t have to smell her. Fuck yeah I’m in the Christmas spirit!
***actually I bought her the colone too. She likes it. And I like her. And if the Mayans were right…it will be held up in shipping somewhere.
World Market has the Quality Street chocolates for $19.99 with free shipping (or you can just go there if there’s one near you). http://www.worldmarket.com/product/quality+street+chocolate+tin.do?page=11&from=fn
Fed some different colored Twizzlers to my sister’s parrot, Elvis. He pooped the rainbow after that, honest to God!
Wanting to feel the Christmas spirit but having a hard time of thanks to the IRS. Yes, the IRS. Was told back in March that I owed a little over $1k for the year 2007 (thanks to my ex-husband…long story). Was told after you pay us you can request a penalty abatement (penalties charged and added on paid back to you). Spoke with numerous agents who said the same. Was also told that’s all you owe…yep…a little over $1k and, no, we cannot come back and say you owe more, later, after you’ve paid the $1k. Really? Yep. You sure? Yep. Paid them off in full on 9/20 and did a little happy dance. Filed for penalties back. Waited for refund. Instead, you guessed it…I get a letter dated 11/30 stating I owe them more money. It’s $168 and change but I am pissed as all hell since that should be holiday gift money not “You all lied to me and I have to pay you anyway since you are the government” money. How do you explain to your kids that you can’t give them gifts because the IRS want(ed) *their* money by 12/13 (I didn’t pay, I don’t have it) and…get this…the penalty alone if not paid by 12/13 is MORE than the $168. Merry Fuckin’ Christmas Government Douchebags. (Yes, I’ve worked with the Taxpayer’s Advocate and gotten nowhere. The IRS says you have to pay…you have to pay). I just want to curl into a ball and cry.
Quality Street is pretty low grade stuff (I like the green coconut ones). If you’re buying that sort of candy try some Cadbury Roses, same sort of idea but slightly nicer IMO (I like the purple hazelnut caramel ones).
I haven’t been in the Christmas mood for years, but then I have to work Christmas eve or day most years. I don’t this year. In fact, I’m off the week leading into Christmas and don’t work until the Friday after.
All done shopping, house decorated music playing etc. It might actually be a good one.
As for tradition, I always have to have some homemade chex mix. Not this new fancy recipes with bark and peppermint shit in it. Good guy food like pretzels, nuts, some spicy cheez-its etc. Some shit that goes good with an ice cold beer and a shot of whiskey.
I vote for Rockin’ Randi. Haven’t heard from her in years. As to the best of my recall, she’s not been disgraced.
This Christmas has really snuck up on me. I have most presents bought and the stuff I need to bake but I haven’t even started my Holiday (In case they don’t go out until after Xmas) cards.
Maybe I am hedging my bet on the Mayans
I usually poop rainbows after eating Almond Joy pieces…
http://www.hersheys.com/pieces/products/almond-joy-pieces.aspx
AWG is always good for a guest column, as is Jason. Since Jason had a turn not long ago, maybe his frenemy Farty T. could do one.
I think Bikerchick would be great – she has a way with words and is funny as hell. I’d also like to see one from Tammy.
I can’t wait for the end of the holidays. Ho Ho Ho, this.
There are far too many excellent posters here to choose one or two. Can everyone take a sentence?
Soooo…..some dickbeater is offended by the PHOTO of an actual toy?!? Then he obviously hasn’t seen the TV commercial for the pooping weiner dog. I accidentally ran across it while flipping channels the other day. A mother and her kid have this “dog”, life sized mind you, that pisses yellow colored pellets and poops brown ones. Then the two of them stand there cheering like they just won the fucking lottery. I sat there with my mouth hanging open. I think a few pellets fell out too. Unbelievable.
“Then the two of them stand there cheering like they just won the fucking lottery.”…LMAO!!
Hell, if anything, I was surprised as hell that it wasn’t one of those “Engrish” toys you sometimes see in the various dollar stores. It certainly has that vibe.
It’s amazing, what with all that is happening in the world, that someone could find that picture offensive. As a toy, yeah, it sucks ass, (and rainbows!) but I’m definitely not offended.
Okay, “Further Evidence Guy” entertained a friend in the backyard with his hands; has some weird-ass machine that sounds NOTHING like xylophone. We all know what they sound like. I know xylophones. You, sir, are no xylophone.
What ever happened to
NJGirl
MsDeniseWight
Paulo
ChrisBoone, NC
Teddy Glass
Mark Maynard
Sam Gassaway
AWG
Buck
Bikerchick
My votes…
friends and fambly used to buy me useless crap for christmas,requireing me to christmas shop, i hate shopping
i asked them nicely to refrain, spend what usually spend on me to buy somethng for themselves, or go out to eat somewhere they like, using what was budgeted for me,
i put stop to buying me gifts by giving everyone that gifted me a live bunny,and told each gifter that theirs was the most popular 1 in the cage,
”does this bunny look knocked up to you?”
that put a stop to me having to christmas shop and bunnys were all regifted within 24 hours
RE: Further Evidence. BUY A FUCKING XYLOPHONE!