Hello Surf Reporters! Before we get started today, I want to let you guys know that Volume 1 of Ridiculous Adventures In Suburbia is finally available as a paperback. I had some problems with it, many problems. I won’t go into all the details, ’cause it’s boring. But everything’s fixed, and hard copies are now available for order. I have one here, and it looks pretty fantastic. Finally.
Trivia: The cover was done by a woman in Pakistan, the interior formatting was done by a husband/wife team in Australia, and the paperbacks are printed in Charleston, SC. It’s an international extravaganza of penis and shit jokes! I’m sorry… I’m getting a little emotional.
Of course, the low-priced ebooks are available, as well. Grab it for Kindle, Nook, and Kobo. A lot of crazy stuff happened during that first Surf Report year. We certainly stayed busy, that’s for sure.
Also, if you’re planning to do your holiday shopping at Amazon, please remember to use our links. There’s always one in the left sidebar, and there are banner ads here, there, and everywhere. Any will work, and I sincerely appreciate it. Out of every dollar you spend, they’ll kick a few cents my way. It adds up, especially in November and December. Thank you guys!
And one last thing, before we get to my ranting and whining… I’ve started working on yet another novel, and think this one is going to be a keeper. I wasn’t fully invested in the last one, for whatever reason, but am feeling it with the new project. I don’t want to say too much, but it does involve Gene Rayburn. During the writing of this thing, I use multiple computers, and keep all my files in Dropbox. It’s a free cloud-based application that creates a new drive on your machine, where you can store whatever you want. On Saturday I was writing at home for a while on my PC, until I reached a state of diminishing returns. Then I took my laptop to Panera Bread, and continued working there. I no longer need to carry around flash drives (and lose them in Sheetz and nearly have a full-on stroke as a result), or have to email myself the latest version of the manuscript. I just open my Dropbox, and there are my files. I love it, and it’s free. Oh sure, they have a paid version, but I’ve never needed to pay. It’s the best thing ever, one of my all-time favorite apps. Check it out, if you’re so inclined. It’s shockingly useful. I could even edit my book with my phone, if I want. Yeah, Google has their knockoff version (always with the knockoffs!), but I prefer the original.
Speaking of Panera… It is my admittedly unsophisticated opinion that they have the best goddamn coffee anywhere. I’ve been to many fancy-pants coffee shops, and sampled any number of high-end cups o’ joe. And the Panera light roast is my favorite. It’s what coffee should taste like. I like to go there with my laptop or notebook, and rent a mug for $2. I can have as much coffee as I want, it’s really freaking good, and for some reason I work well in that setting. Fat bastards clanking their silverware inside soup bowls just get my creative juices to flowing. Who do you think serves up the best cup of coffee? What’s your opinion on this hard-hitting subject? And please try to refrain from saying, “I do, at my house.” That’s annoying, and unhelpful.
Over the weekend I peed all over myself. I was taking a leak in the downstairs bathroom, and somehow my t-shirt got between my wang and the toilet. Know what I mean? It caused a radical kickback of urine, and I had to change my shirt, jeans, underwear, and socks. I also had to towel down my torso and the bathroom floor. I told Toney about it, she listened with no expression on her face, and finally said, “You’re a pig. Seriously.” Do you have any good stories — hopefully better than mine — about somebody pissing him or herself? Please use the comments link.
Yesterday I was out driving with the younger hooligan — giving him some practice before his test next week — and we got lost. We were on some unknown road, seemingly way out in the country. Then we passed this monstrosity. It’s the Nicholson Bridge, which I was aware of… but had never actually seen before. And I know this might seem weird, but it creeped me out. When we drove past it I felt an actual low-grade panic. I think it was because of the sheer size of the thing — the picture doesn’t do it justice. And it’s really ornate and borderline gothic, just out in the middle of nowhere. It felt bizarre. We drove past it, turned around and came back. I wanted to see if I felt the same way the second time, and I did. There’s something dark about that bridge. Just looking at the photo makes my stomach flutter.
A few days ago Toney and I ordered a pizza from a shop we’ve been to many times. I called, they answered like always, and I placed my order. “Twenny minutes,” the guy said. And when I arrived there, the building was empty. The door was locked, and I could see through the window that all the equipment was gone, etc. WTF?? I’d just spoken with them! My brain was spinning, trying to make sense of it all.
Then I saw an index card taped to the inside of the window. It said they’d combined with another pizza shop(?!), and were now located a couple of miles away. Weird. But I drove there, and it was not a satisfactory experience. Gone were the fat Italian men in filthy white t-shirts, replaced by hipsters sporting ludicrous facial hair.
I told the head douche I was there to pick up an order for JEFF, and he said something like “$11.27.” I handed him my debit card, and he said, “Fifteen dollar minimum.” Huh? In 2015?? That’s bullshit. “There’s an ATM in the corner,” he mumbled. “And probably a big fat fee, too?” I said. He shrugged, like he didn’t give a shit one way or the other.
I was on the cusp of walking, but for whatever reason… went to the ATM. The fee was $3. Grrr… When I returned to the counter I gave the guy some grief about it, but he didn’t care. He’s just some hourly sumbitch. But the thing about it? I’ll never return. I will never set foot in that building again. They’ve lost all my future business. They can go fuck themselves. There’s a kickass pizza joint on every corner in this neck of the woods. What kind of idiotic crap is this?? I’m getting all worked up, just remembering it.
I know they have to pay a small fee on those transactions, but it’s not 1994 anymore. It’s the way people do business these days. They can ram it deep and on a slant.
And I have more, lots more, but need to call it a day here.
I’ll see you guys again soon!
Check out Ridiculous Adventures In Suburbia, Volume One for Kindle, Nook, and Kobo. Now also available in paperback!
Yes, my shirt has come between my wiener and the toilet before, I think every man’s has. But I have a pee-on-yourself story that I think will beat most other such stories.
One day at work, I went to the bathroom to take a leak. I pulled out the member, and started peeing into the toilet (it wasn’t a urinal), but didn’t really look down to make sure things were taking place properly. I guess since I’d done it thousands of times in the past, I just expected it to work without a hitch every time. But this time, my pee-hole apparently had been partially fused shut (I’m sure fellow men know what I’m talking about), so that I had two streams of pee — one going into the toilet, the other, I realized after feeling something warm on my thigh, heading directly onto my pants. By the time I had rectified things by readjusting the aim so both streams were headed toward the toilet, the whole left thigh of my pants was completely soaked with pee. I immediately felt a panic. I was at work, after all — how could I possibly explain this to my co-workers?
I finished my business, and peered out the bathroom door. Then suddenly I had a “eureka” moment — I noticed out a window that it had just started raining. So I immediately made a been-line for a door outside, and proceeded to walk around in the rain for about 15 minutes, letting all my clothing become completely soaked. I then headed back to work, and acted all exasperated, telling my co-workers I had just headed out to get a little fresh air when I suddenly got caught in the downpour. The story worked, I didn’t smell overtly of pee, and over the next couple of hours my clothes dried out from evaporation. Disaster averted, with the help of Mother Nature. Phew!
“bee-line” (I hate typos!)
Perhaps a pee-line?
The dreaded bifurcated stream. One usually ends up on the floor.
Good stuff!!
Which version nets you the most; digital or paperback? I prefer the paperback but have no idea how these works on the writer side.
I always thought Waffle House had a solid cup of coffee, not that I would ever stop in just to get a cup of coffee. If that makes any sense. My local grocery store serves a local (within 50 miles) brand called Boston Stoker out of Dayton, OH. They always have one called Highlander Grog, infused with scotch whisky or some such nonsense. It’s pretty damn tasty though and it’s usually part of Saturday or Sunday’s routine.
I pissed myself Friday. Drinking, waited too long, stream started before I had my junk separated from pants and underwears. Really need to remember that I’m damn near fifty and holding it in is longer an option.
And not to go on a big rant but is it too much trouble to keep a damn $20 bill in your billfold?
Oh, and for the record, I’m loving Volume 1 on kindle. I keep it next to the shitter and read a couple of updates everyday. Yesterday as I was leaving the grocery store I noticed a really nice looking Toyota Tundra truck and suddenly was laughing my ass off wondering if it was “built with tools and not chopsticks”!
I have stopped doing business with several of those minimum purchase places including a convenience store. What’s convenient about having to buy 10 dollars worth of shit just for the privilege of using my credit card. You’re absolutely right. In 2015 almost 2016, that’s total bullshit.
I like that light roast. I get it every morning. I get coffee at two different places some mornings and then make it at work. I don’t think it the best though. I have to go with Kona on that deal .
Olive Garden makes some shockingly good coffee. Try it. That bridge looks like a Roman aqueduct. And my reaction to seeing the picture is a full erection. Strange. I was playing catch with my son a couple of weeks ago and had really been putting off a pee. I couldn’t wait anymore so I dropped my glove and told little Jason that I had to go piss. Just then he hurled the baseball into my abdomen and that set off an instant crotch seizure – no wait, a crotch seizure is an orgasm. It was more like my bladder started having spasms and I couldn’t stop the flow of piss into my pants, as my son looked on in horror. He beat me inside to let everyone know that I’d peed myself, so I had a crowd when I got in. Splendid.
Little Jason is a fantastic human.
Celebrate the moments of your life
Coffee is shitty. Saying you have the best coffee is like saying you have the best boiled dirt. Sure it might be the best, but when the best of something is still garbage then it’s nothing to brag about.
The closest I’ve ever come to enjoying coffee was when I would eat Folgers Crystals and put Tabasco in my eyes to stay awake at the end of 24 hour guard shift.
—–
I have a not as good pee story. When we first go out beagle, he would charge into the bathroom and try to sniff my pee stream. (He still does this, but now I’ve learned how to defend against it.) Since I didn’t want to pee ion my puppies face as he jutted it over the toilet bowl to get to my golden flow, I instinctively spun to the right. I peed across the entire back of the toilet and along the wall in a St Louis style arch.
——
All coffee tastes terrible to me. Terrible. But then I don’t like the taste of beer, wine, or most vegetables either. I’m prepared to say that in this case it might be me who’s in the wrong here. But I’m still not going to start drinking coffee. Seriously, it’s terrible.
I haven’t peed on myself in a while, but I did have a urine based “moment” a few weeks back.
My four year old son came into my room one morning and woke me up asking for breakfast. It was still dark out and when I got up I headed for the bathroom. Being four, he still likes to pee with Dad, so my little buddy joined me.
I’m in the habit of not turning on lights when I can operate by echo location ala Daredevil, so the bathroom light stayed off. Apparently my boy hasn’t yet developed the skill yet, so we addressed the bowl together and he started a split second after me. The next thing I know my leg was wet, my wool-lined TeePee Creeper slippers were wet, the floor was wet… It was everywhere.
I had to change completely and go to my emergency reserve slippers.
Lesson learned, now I make sure the light is on when we attempt any urine related bonding.
My 5 year old and I often perform the urine bonding thing. I have experienced this same thing. You are not alone.
I always liked McDonald’s coffee and was delighted to see they now sell it in stores. The Columbian is out of this world. I’m not a fan of flavored coffees (French vanilla, hazelnut, etc). Just give me regular. At my old job, the slow, single digit IQ lady would sometimes put regular in a pot that previously had flavored and it burned my ass when I got back to my desk and took a sip.
Jeff, Volume 1 was the very first book I loaded onto my new Kindle. Holy shit, some parts definitely had me laughing so hard, I was afraid I’d snap a rib. I didn’t know about the early years of the Surf Report so this was all brand new to me. You had some one line zingers that were pure genius.
Wow, I am suddenly craving a good cuppa. If Panera wasn’t so far away, I would actually consider going to get a cup. But the closest ones (in all directions) are a good 1/2 hour away.
Hey! I have a couple of interviews this week. It will be nice getting off of unemployment.
I worked at the Community Coffee plant in Port Alan for a month. The entire time I was there they were roasting French Vanilla flavor beans. Now anytime I smell it i get nauseous and my knees started to hurt.
That was my only factory job, i did not care for it.
I love Panera coffee and their lunches are relatively guilt free and very delicious. I also like Dunkin Donuts coffee but can’t avoid the guilt of a donut. WTF, life is short. You., Jeff. are so real and I love reading anything you’ve written.
When I was in college, my roommates and I had partied one night. I woke in the deep, dark morning with a strong urge to pee. On the walk to the bathroom, I experienced a stronger urge to vomit and took off at full sprint. I managed to get over the bowl in time for my guts to contract violently and eject the 80 proof contents of my stomach. As my stomach retched, I was suddenly aware I still had to pee and incidentally, poop. It all came out at once. I was a 3 hole discharge hero. Cleaning the mess sucked so bad.
You may not have fat Italian men in filthy white t shirts out front anymore, but maybe a couple fat italians in suits in the back room raking in the extra ATM profits and upsells to get to that magic 15 bucks.
No good piss stories here. The occasional shirttail-soak is not newsworthy.
As for coffee, I’ll be on the Dunkin’ Donuts line with Diane. Their coffee is not awesome, but it’s pretty good. I’m not really much of a connoisseur of take-out coffee, since I normally… well, you know.
And finally I’ll echo what Walter said: it won’t kill you to carry a little cash for just such an occasion.
I’m off to Amazon now.
They can’t charge a minimum on a credit card. Call the credit card company and pull a hissy fit and I bet it’s free pizza time.
The “coffee is shitty” people are the same ones you wrote about in the last Surf Report who say the “Beatles were overrated and Seinfeld sucked.” Contrarians.
I drink my weight in coffee every day, the Beatles WERE overrated and Seinfeld DID suck.
I like Wawa coffee.
There is a Chinese take out place not far from our house that we went to A LOT. My hubby loves Chinese food and they were always good. The owners knew us from us going there so often. Anyway…they started having their 6 year old daughter answer the phone to take orders. I always feel like shes not understanding me and that my order will be messed up. Than when I go in to pick it up they have the little girl working the register and credit card machine. I was always worried she would swipe my card and enter some ridiculous amount by accident and charge my card for $3,000 or something. Every time I go there I pay with my card. The most recent time, the little girl said do you have cash?? I usually don’t carry cash but that day I had some and handed it over and I said oh is the credit card machine broken? She goes no but they charge us a fee, cash is better. I was pissed. The cash I had on me was intended for something else but that’s a whole other story. After years of going to this place, paying with my card every time with out an issue, now they want cash only?! It turned me off of them. We will not be going back there again.
Forgot about Wawa coffee – yeah, it is damn good.
6 year old kid answering the phones and taking credit cards???? Sorry, but that is just fucked up.
Yeah ever since that started I haven’t felt comfortable going there.
It’s better to be pissed off than pissed on, especially if your pissed off about shitty coffee.
If you haven’t tried Krispy Kreme’s coffee, you might give a try. It’s mild but very flavorful…and horkin’ down a fresh, hot doughnut with it doesn’t hurt, either!
Several years ago, drunk off my ass ( no surprise) at a microbrew/restaurant in a quaint little NC college town. Went to drain the vein into the urinal and started to lean my head against the wall, but lost my balance. Wound up doing a slow 360 around the men’s room, a la John Belushi on the frat house porch in Animal House, piss spraying in all directions, including up. Everyone in the bathroom scattered as I whizzed fucking everywhere.
When I went back there a week later the urinals had been ripped out and a stainless steel trough was in their place, along with a monkey bar at eye level for wasted characters such as myself to hang on to while completing their business. I’m very sure I catalyzed this little piece of “home improvement,” and I still refer to the trough as “my creation.” Good times.
I broke down and bought some K-cups to use in the machine at work. Not so bad, if you check the package and see how much coffee is actually in the K-cup. Some are as little as 8 grams, but these are 12.
And the main purpose of this post is to test drive a new gravatar.
As you were.
Well, so much for that.
You’ve become a pilot for Valkyrie Airlines? Gotterdammerung!
jtb
Mein Luftkissenfahrzueg ist voller Aale!
Jeff, I agree with you about the Nicholson Bridge. It’s a strange vibe up there. Apparently it used to be a vibrant town with most of their commerce coming from the trains that traveled over the bridge. In the early ‘aughts some dudes ran a boot leg “Bungee Jump” off the bridge company. Very ominous and scary. Slick palms just thinking about it. You would jump from the back of some yokel’s rusted out Ford F150 and you’d be harnessed to a winch and if you survived, they’d slowly winch you up and offer you a complimentary can of Busch Lite. I found this little video that might assuage your low grade panic, but probably not. heh.
https://youtu.be/MNoM33aztAs
The Dodd-Frank law says that merchants can legally require a minimum $10 purchase to use a credit card. They cannot however require anything more. http://www.creditcards.com/credit-card-news/credit-card-minimum-payment-purchases-law-1282.php
It really frosts my cookies, so I know that law.