When I came downstairs this morning it smelled like day-old death in our kitchen. Jesus J. McChrist! I hollered, while involuntarily launching into a series of David Byrne “same as it ever was” body contortions. I think I even did that weirdness with my forearm, but it’s all a bit fuzzy.
The trash! It didn’t take long to pinpoint the source of the funk, and I moved to eliminate it from my life. When I grabbed the top edges of the garbage bag, it sent a puff of undiluted stink directly into my face. And I’m not exaggerating, I nearly puked.
Black Lips Houlihan and I took that nasty-ass sacka stank to the garage, and closed the door on it. Tomorrow I’ll turn it over to professional trash-handlers. I’m sure they’ll know what to do with it, whether or not it will require burial, burning, a launching into space, or the involvement of the National Guard. At that point it’ll be their problem. Screw it.
And when Toney called to check-in during her lunch break, I asked if someone had put a human head in the trash, and told her the whole painful story.
“Oh,” she said, “I might’ve put some chicken in there.”
Yeah. Chicken from the fridge, it turns out, leftover from a dinner we had last week, or whatever. Simply excellent.
And since we’re talkin’ grossness here, I moved in a certain way while brushing my teef last night, and felt something weird on my back. I reached around and felt what I diagnosed to be a gigantic zit. And when I say gigantic, I mean gigantic. It was roughly the size of a tangelo.
I thought about waking up Toney, and asking her to photograph it for me. But I had a feeling it might’ve led to an argument, so I decided against it. I just fingered my new friend for a few seconds, admired its bulkiness, and went to bed.
And this morning, while enjoying my first cup of Eight O’Clock, I remembered my Chernobyl twin, and checked on its progress. And it was gone! There’s no trace of it, whatsoever.
Was it dream?! I’m starting to think it was, and that freaks me out a little. The whole episode was incredibly real. But wouldn’t there be some sort of evidence left behind by a pimple the size of citrus? I would think so, but there’s nothing.
And why would a person have such a dream?! I don’t care for any of it, if you want to know the truth.
Over this past weekend the older Secret sprayed some of that Axe shit in his betroom, and woke me up from a deep sleep. I can’t stand that stuff, it’s harsh and overpowering and disgusting, but he and all his peeps douse themselves in it.
So, I was thinking… Wonder if I could invent an alarm clock that wakes people up with a scent? It would probably be a lot less-jolting than a game show buzzer, Golden Earring, or some exasperated asshole on ESPN radio. Right?
I imagine it would wake a person up, but gradually. It would do the trick, while also allowing us to eeeease into the day. Perfect! I’m a big fan of eeeeasing.
But would it work with a pleasant odor? Like cookies in the oven, or new electronics? Or would it have to be really bad, like that Axe crap? That, I believe, will be the key to the whole thing.
‘Cause I don’t think there’s much of a market for an alarm clock that pumps out the simulated scent of vomit, rotting chicken, or Atlanta parking garage stairwell, at 6:30 every morning.
Yes, there’s still much testing to be done…
In Sunday’s newspaper I saw ads for two more TV show DVD sets that automatically go on the must-have list. And it’s starting to make me nervous. That list is fast approaching the tipping point. Soon, it will be completely out of reach, I’m afraid.
This week I added LOST season four to the list, as well as the fourth season of Saturday Night Live. I’m already behind on SNL (I never bought season three), Deadwood (also missing season three), the last half-season of The Sopranos, and several seasons of Curb Your Enthusiasm.
It’s becoming demoralizing. I also lust after the complete series of The Wire, and the big honkin’ I Love Lucy box set.
So, you see, it’s getting out of hand. At some point I’m going to just say fukkit, probably with the addition of one more must-have.
Why can’t they just leave me alone? Why do they insist on torturing me this way, by releasing so much great shit? It’s cruel, I tell ya. Cruel!
And I’ll leave you now with a Question from the Stealing Clive Bull’s Topics desk. Who would you consider to be a true living genius? Is there anyone who genuinely falls into that category?
I don’t even have to hesitate on that one: Phil Hendrie. And I’m being completely sincere. His old radio shows are freakin’ brilliant, on all levels. The concept, the execution, the humor… The man is a genius, straight-up. A true original.
Who would you nominate as a living genius? Tell us about it in the comments.
And I’ll be back tomorrow.
Foist??
2nd!!
I truly don’t beleive that there is such a thing anymore. Most people are extremely stupid and suck at life!
I’d have to go for David Byrne as a modern genius, just for the forearm chopping alone.
Grk – chicken stank. The worst, after ‘rotten flower water’.
OK – the bunker cam shot is AWESOME!
Whee!
7th
I think an alarm clock that squirted the face with a bit of pepper spray at a set time would be a good idea. Or maybe an alarm clock that came with a cuff you attach to your arm or leg, and it would deliver an electrical shock. After a couple of weeks you would have trained yourself to wake up at the appointed time, to avoid the burning or the shock, and you could toss the clock. Or maybe a clock that had a small bat attached to it that came down on your back or chest (depending on how you sleep) in a tommyhawk fashion. I’ll stop. I need to get to the patent office. Stat!
I think a modern day genius would be Carrot Top. No, not really. That’s a hard question.
Oooh, 8th?
Oh, the chickenstank is the worst. I take that shit right out to the rolling bin o’ doom after my last dry-heave experience with it.
…same as it ever was…
Anywhat, your parasitic twin (my favorite kind) was probably just trying to get comfy, and is likely burrowed into a soft bit of kidney or spleen by now. Nothing to worry about.
There are some hellishly inventive alarm clocks out there, but I think the aromalarm (just made that up, you can use it) would suck like a crack whore. I tried cooking a turkey on the time-bake feature one Thanksgiving so it would be ready by lunch – at 3AM the house was full of a wonderful turkey aroma. Very appetizing, but impossible to sleep and made for a horrible night and even worse dreams.
You could try it out – get one of those electric aroma disc things and put it on a timer you can plug your lights into to make robbers think you’re watching TV at odd hours…
If it works on nice scents, then you could branch out into designer fragrances, like Bus Station Bathroom or Movie Theater Floor or Amy Winehouse.
Top Ten!
Jeff, check out the Wake N’ Bacon alarm clock found here (with which I’m not affiliated in any way):
http://www.mathlete.com/portfolio/wakeNbacon.php
I could get behind that idea!
I am trying to imagine what the fridge smelled like from the week old chicken…
What is up with the Axe phenom? I only personally know of one teeenage who had an Axe “problem.” And, HE lived in PA, too. So, is it regional? My kid is 15 and never went through that phase. I’m not saying he wasn’t ever stinky. Football stank is gross. Just never tried to cover it up. Is it something they do for the ladies? Do grown-up mens use it? Is it something only guidos use? Not meaning to offend is anyone out there is a genuine guido. Just trying to understand.
The only modern genius I know is my husband, And, only because he still keeps me interested after 25 years. He is truly amazing. And, he doesn’t use Axe.
That Hawking guy is pretty rad, too.
Metten is the old modern day genius I’m aware of.
That was no zit, Jeff… it was a harmless spider bite. Better check your hair for the mothership.
Steven Hawking for both questions. A genius that stinks. He has to. He can’t take a bath.
Still out on the Genius, Bill Gates & Steve Jobs maybe, We wouldn’t even be on here if not for the commercialization of Al Gore’s internet ya know.
I too love that the lady in the Bunker cam is trying to get a nut!! Hillarious.
I don’t think that whiskey flavored condoms are for women. Maybe a Boones Farm flavored or Grape Mad Dog one.
uno siete!
I’m still thinking Simon Cowell… That judge/producer of ‘American Idol’. He easily gets millions of people to watch super-sized karaoke stars as he’s raking in the bucks.
Why folks swallow it so easily is beyond me.
He’s a genius for preying upon the dumb and easily distracted to pad his bank accounts.
The inventor of this game is genius:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ll2kajMH2u0
I would call the CEO’s and CFO’s of these big corps. that can screw the company and still pull down incredible bonuses the genius.
I would think the worst stank to be fish, I had a buddy that would use fish guts, heads ect. store them in a jar on the roof for months then use this mess to attract animals.
My friend Dave is a genius. Serisously. Scary smart. MIT wanted him, Good Will Hunting without the abuse smart.
I used to know a Rhodes schoalr who’s teaching Astrophysics at Berkley last I heard. He’s probably a genius.
Scott Adams of Dilbert was a Mensa member. So, I think, was Geena Davis (plus I kind of dig her). I think Weird Al might be too.
Heddie Lamar was a genius.
As far as what they’ve contributed toward their field I think Carl Riener, and the dude who started Google, what’s his name.
I’m sure there are more.
Top 20! yaa
So thats how little peanuts are created. Any peanutbutter jokes and Andy will bite.
The bunker cam is disturbing….and sorta hot.
Axxe = recycled Hi Karate
I heard on tv about kids having Axe “problems” -they were huffing it tho. i’m sure the Secret is just wanting to smell sexy and studly for all the ladies.
I agree with db grin that you probably absorbed your chernobyl twin. that it got wiped off on your sheets. ick. look under the bed
Living geniuses=Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman.
Get ‘cher readin’ glasses on!
True living geniouses – Josh Whedon
Can’t stop the signal.
Stephen Hawking
Ted Nugent is a living genius.
Worst stink is finding a black snake under the shrubs. You see it moving so you get a stick to move it to another mouse/mole catching location far away from the kiddies. After you try to pick it up with the stick it breaks in half. You then discover that the reason it was moving was due to the huge number of maggots living inside the skin. YUMMY!!
Stephanie– I agree on Pratchett. I just started my first Gaiman this am.
EWW. You might want to change the sheets.
harumpa…Huh?
Do you think David Byrne can do normal shit? Like mow the lawn, or watch a ballgame and eat a hot dog and drink a beer? Or does everything have to be an “art” project with him.
If he had a kid, would he just be able to change the diaper like everyone else or would he have to comment on “his little pee pee” everytime.
Does he still act so retarded when he performs or was that just 20 years ago?
Jeff, I agree with you on Hendrie…brilliant.
@SkullyWV – a neighbor of mine had a black snake get stuck in the wheel well of his truck. He kept smelling something and couldn’t find it for a week and then he finally located the source of the smell, he had to remove the front wheel and remove the cowling around wheel well to get it out. Wheew, that thing stank sumthin fierce.
my idea is a combo alarm clock/garage door opener that at proper time raises head of bed up so you are standing up and no way to go back to sleep
other thing is clock that releases frozen marbles into bed
no way to get away from those
marbles straight from freezer are best way to get hungover bozos out of your guest room bed fast
Olfactory Alarm Clocks: I nominate Bacon! Bacon! Bacon! Bacon!
Genius? Steven Hawking for sure. Mike Lazaridis, Brian Eno, Richard Dawkins, Steve Jobs, Bill Gates, Burt Rutan, David Cronenberg, Martin Scorsese……
Another vote for Pratchett on the genius thing here… oh, and the frozen marble trick would make me all stabby.
And not in a good way.
I saw this a while ago, maybe here – flying alarm clock. You have to put the propeller back in the clock to get it to shut up, after you find it.
This one has a sonic boom and bed shaker, said to wake up ninjas…
i think it’s a toss up between my secret and steven hawking.
Ohhhhh…I get it now, harumpa! I read up a few comments…sheets…I get it now!
I thought you meant because Mr. Gaiman is so damn smokin’ hot, you’d need to change the sheets after reading him!
LMAO
I read somewhere that you aren’t supposed to be able to smell while you sleep (part of the reason why people die of smoke inhalation in their sleep)? Just a thought.
But if that is wrong (and it may be) I vote for cinammon. There is no better smell anywhere on earth. Or new baby – without the poo, obviously. Clean new baby.
A living genius… I vote for Michael Palin (of Monty Python). He is funny, articulate, and really knows how to put a story together whether it is writing or acting. And before anyone makes a crack about how nerdy it is to like Monty Python, I freely admit to being a dork and besides, he also makes brilliant travel documentaries and has written several books. So there.
The Nuge…. not so much (sorry to disagree, but…) That man scares me. And he annoys me because he is from my home state and now lives in my adopted state. I think he is following me. Him and half of Michigan, I suppose, because we all move to either Texas or California. Except for Jorge – one of the few tried and true Michiganders. But I do applaud the Nuge’s work in conservation.
And the worst smell in the world is week old tuna casserole. Add that slung in the corner of an Atlanta parking garage and you have yourself a biological weapon.
“Tyrosine Said:
Olfactory Alarm Clocks: I nominate Bacon! Bacon! Bacon! Bacon!”
Oh yeah, and if you don’t wake up it ratchets up the ‘alarm’ with onions fried in that bacon grease, then added to frying country potatoes with a aural alarm of a toaster popping up.
Whoever invented NASCAR is a genius. A billion dollar industry created solely on a driver’s skill to make a continuous left turn.
Misselle: I gotta agree with you regarding Theodore Nugent. While I can’t fault his guitar playing, he seems to put off a strong “Gary Busey” vibe and I really wonder what’s going on inside his skull. Some may argue that there’s a fine line between genius and insanity, which may be true, but in this case I think the balance is tipped strongly in favor of bat-shit crazy.
Harumpa– I’m with you on the body wash thing. My son is 14 and spends more $ on body wash and other “products” than I do, not to mention three times as long in the shower. WTF? What’s wrong with a bar of Dial soap, or Safeguard? But I hear other parents tell me their boys stink to high heaven and have to be ordered to shower, so I try to count my blessings. Somebody wake me up in four years.
Really? He’s 14 and in the shower forever and you’re not sure why?
That’s so cute. Naive, but cute.
Living Genius: Steve Allen
Shit. I just looked, and he died in 2000. It must have been one of my “long weekends”. Nevermind.
True living genius? Richard Dawkins.
In the field of entertainment, Conan O’Brien.
Dean Kamen
Gabriel Garcia Marquez
Muhammad Yunus
Rick Rubin
Would someone please explain this black snake thing- do they always smell or do they only smell when they die or what??
I don’t think we have those here in the frozen tundra and I am curious. Please educate me.
tadpolegal, where on the frozen tundra are you? I’m in Nome.
Genius…Sid Caesar for comedy. Ron Popiel for marketing.
Best wake up smell for me would be bacon and coffee. Takes me back to childhood in wintertime, waking up to those smells, straining to hear the country western station my parents listened to…trying to hear the school closure reports when we had snow overnight.