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A Few Quick Things, vol. 92

May 24, 2013 By Jeff 31 Comments

HeimlichI overslept yesterday, by four hours. It might be a new record. The alarm started going off at 9:30, and I jerked awake – with my heart racing – at 1:23 in the afternoon. How is such a thing even possible? Does the snooze feature on an alarm clock stop working at some point? Does it eventually just say fukkit? I remember slapping the thing into submission early, possibly the first time it went off, but don’t recall doing it again.

When the younger boy came home from school, I was still on my second cup of coffee. It was ludicrous. The whole day was shot. Then Toney’s car wouldn’t start… I had to bust out some jumper cables… we took it to a garage, and found out the battery was deader than David Crosby’s factory liver… It was fantastic. And $122 later, we were back to where we’d been a few hours before.

Today I ran some errands, and got a haircut. At the hair place they have a couple of tanning booths, and I saw an old codger emerge from one. He was probably in his mid-70s, and had skin like beef jerky. Clearly, he’s developed a tanning bed addiction, and is taking things too far. They need to cut him off, before he’s zapped of all his moisture, and they just find a pile of dust in there, and a set of super-white dentures.

A flamboyant gay man cut my hair, and did a good job. The dude was gliding around my chair. The cut cost $17.00, and I tipped him $5.00. How much do you tip those haircut folk? Is five bucks a reasonable amount, or am I way off in some direction? Please help me out. I don’t know anything about anything.

Also, I’ve turned the corner on my eyebrows. It used to irritate me when they’d ask if I want my brows trimmed, but I’ve now embraced it. Sure, it’s an old man procedure, but it needs done. Wild, wiry hairs grow there now, in every direction. The shit needs beaten back every month or so. Ya know?

Speaking of old man… I find myself at a crossroads. I don’t like it when young whippersnappers call me “sir,” and I also don’t like it when they call me “man,” or “dude.” The first one makes me feel old, and the other two don’t seem respectful enough, considering how old I am. Yeah, I know it might be somewhat hypocritical, but tough shit. What’s your feelings on this one? Do you care how the younglings address you? Tell us about it.

And when I typed the word ‘crossroads’ in the previous paragraph, it reminded me… The novel is free in the Kindle Store, today and tomorrow. If you have any immature friends who you think might enjoy it, please let them know. They have until 3 a.m. Sunday morning, EST. Then the price shoots all the way up to $5.

Not too long ago I saw 1981 Bob Seger driving a forklift at Home Depot, and today I saw 1972 Neil Young hitchhiking near the entrance ramp of the interstate. I often see “celebrities” (I spot the Video Professor three or four times a day), but usually they’re in their current incarnation. This is a new development, seeing celebs from previous eras.

What close approximations of famous people have you seen lately? Besides the Video Professor, I mean. Everybody sees him.

Today I reclaimed the old suggestaholic domain name. I let it go, several years ago, and almost instantly regretted it. To make matters worse, GoDaddy was holding it hostage, calling it a “premium” domain, and asking something like $200 for it. Funk dat. I waited them out, though, and they finally returned it to the open market this week. And I was all over it, like a spider monkey on a paperboy. I don’t know if I’ll do anything with it, but it’s there if I need it.

Next on my domain wish list: mockable dotcom. It’s parked by someone, and not being used. It’s gonna be a tough nut to crack. Also: wvsr dotcom. It’s been registered to the same people, since 1997. But I’m watching… always watching.

I currently own nine domains, and only use the one we’re on now. Mockable is still up, and the CrossroadsRoad landing page is active, but nothing is being added to either of them. Most of the others just redirect to the Surf Report. I’ve had one for many years, and a really good idea to go along with it. But it will require a lot of coding, which I can’t do, and so it remains in the “someday” category.

I think I’m starting to grow a wart on my nose. And what’s the story with that? I remember having warts on my hands when I was a kid, and my mother putting medicine on them, until they fell off.

But I haven’t had anything like that happen since the Johnson Administration. Do you have any history with warts? Yeah, I know… it’s probably herpes, right? Nose herpes. I’ll beat you guys to the punch.

But how do I get rid of this thing, before it goes out of control, and I’m walking around with a full-blown biscuit of flesh attached to my face? I need to tap into your wart know-how. For some reason, I’m sensing a lot of wart knowledge out there.

Before I call it a day here, I’d like to alert you to another of Jason Headley’s short films. This one is really short – less than two minutes – but it’s very funny, and well-done. He scoffed when I recently told him he’s becoming a good actor, but it’s true. Check it out.

He’s getting a lot of attention with this one, and it’s deserved. I think it was featured on Funny Or Die, and also mentioned on the USA Today website. Congrats, Jason! You’re doing great work, dude (or sir).

And that’s going to do it, boys and girls. I asked several Questions throughout this update, so please take it from here. Of course, you don’t have to answer the Questions, if you don’t want. Talk about anything you’d like. There are (almost) no rules at TheWVSR.

Have yourselves a great weekend.

I’ll see ya soon.

Now playing in the bunker
Use the Surf Report’s webhost: HostGator!

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Comments

  1. cross lanes curmudgeon says

    May 24, 2013 at 6:21 pm

    Headley’s film piece?
    Nailed it!

    Reply
  2. LarryFromCa says

    May 24, 2013 at 6:39 pm

    Probably just nose cancer.

    Reply
  3. TR says

    May 24, 2013 at 6:58 pm

    You can’t use wart medicine on your face so I guess your screwed.

    Reply
  4. DaveF says

    May 24, 2013 at 7:05 pm

    Take my advice- see a dermatologist.
    Three?

    Reply
  5. DaveF says

    May 24, 2013 at 7:06 pm

    Dammit!

    Reply
  6. Alex says

    May 24, 2013 at 7:22 pm

    A couple look-a-likes spring to mind right away. Theres a ‘Steve Martin’ (right down to the hair cut) working in one of our offices.
    And at one time, the a guy who bore a striking resemblence to the retard from Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome worked for us.

    Reply
    • Alex says

      May 24, 2013 at 7:32 pm

      Don’t know how I forgot this one, but my boss looks like the Frugal Gourmet.

      Reply
  7. Jed says

    May 24, 2013 at 7:22 pm

    Pubes above the eyes, and the emergence of a berry tucked into the back corner of the left nostril. Its a good look. If you’re applying for the janitor position at Dunbar High.
    Get your ass on that tanning bed, unbutton the top three of your ‘dress’ shirt, get a nice diamomd crusted l’chiam on a gold chain, and bam! Now you’re a retired jew on your way down to boca. You’re welcome.

    Reply
  8. tiff says

    May 24, 2013 at 7:44 pm

    Dermatologist, NOW. Do it for your loyal readers, if nothing else.

    Two years ago I had a ‘something’ near my chin and the doctor didn’t seem to think it was anything but I insisted on a biopsy and BOOM – basal cell carcinoma. Not to be all Scary McScarerson, but I now have a nearly 3-inch long face scar as a result of taking out a pencil-eraser-diameter piece of weirdness.

    So, go. Please?

    Reply
    • Wisey in TTown says

      May 27, 2013 at 9:42 pm

      Same here, I have had two basal cell carcinomas cut out of my face. Neither seemed to be much of anything. Now I have a dermatologist look at everything.

      Reply
  9. Airandee says

    May 24, 2013 at 8:03 pm

    Use ‘witch’ hazel or buy a broom & a black cat.

    Reply
  10. BoMama says

    May 24, 2013 at 8:33 pm

    Are you confident it isn’t just a pimple? Hey, someone had to say it.
    Jason…..that was awesome.

    Reply
  11. icecycle66 says

    May 25, 2013 at 12:28 am

    I have a very specific rule about hair cut tipping.
    I round up to the nearest $5.

    If the haircut costs $15, you get a $5 tip.
    If you are an ass and charge $19 for a hair cut, you get $1.

    —–

    I had a wart on my elbow a few weeks ago. I find the best way to get rid of a wart is to forget about it, they feed on the attention. If it’s on your nose, that’s a hard one to ignore.

    It could also just be a tumor.

    —–

    Reply
  12. Clueless says

    May 25, 2013 at 8:43 am

    I’m so clueless I don’t even know who the Video Professor is. Is that a TV thing? Will google it later. So if there are any celebrity look-alikes in the area I probably wouldn’t know it because I’m kinda unaware of celebrities.

    Women get the wild eyebrow hair thing too – my nail scissors trim them up quite well. Also have to pluck hairs above my upper lip – blech!

    Duct tape is supposed to work wonders on warts but you have to leave it on for a couple of days and that would really look weird. I agree with tiff that maybe a trip to the dermatologist is warranted. Had a spot on my cheek that I ignored for years and finally decided I wanted it gone, which was a wise choice as it was a squamous cell carcinoma. Topical chemo cream took care of it.

    Reply
  13. madz1962 says

    May 25, 2013 at 9:58 am

    I work with a guy who is a dead ringer of The Edge. And there is some weirdo in town looks like the bloated Jerry Garcia
    I hate being referred to as ma’am unless its someone from the military.

    Reply
  14. ron says

    May 25, 2013 at 10:21 am

    used to be mom/pop store down road
    i told kid,that worked there, i prefer to be called a**hole or s o b or anything but sir

    he got quite imagitive with obscene things to call me, untill pop heard him

    i relized i was old when i stopped looking around for the old guy when they said sir

    Reply
  15. Phil Jett says

    May 25, 2013 at 11:13 am

    Douchebag slack pant wearers or still in high school or less…call me sir or Mr. Jett.

    Hard working, got his/her shit together high school grad that I know can call me Phil.

    No dudes or hey youse acknowledged.

    My across the street neighbor is a Max Baer Jr. clone.

    Reply
  16. dto says

    May 25, 2013 at 1:49 pm

    I don’t mind being called sir all that much…unless I’m in a strip club.

    Reply
  17. bikerchick says

    May 25, 2013 at 4:47 pm

    Have your herps excised completely by a plastic surgeon, Jeff. Sometimes basal cell and squamous cell lesions can pop up like that. The scar will fade. That thing you have now will just get bigger. Then again, it may just be a wart. That’s what you get from peeing in dark alley’s.

    We have a good friend that resembles Kenny Rodgers, before the fucked up facelift. My boyfriend is the spitting image of Jase from Duck Dynasty with the beard he’s sporting these days.

    Reply
  18. dto says

    May 25, 2013 at 4:52 pm

    I shaved my beard a couple months ago and I look exactly Bradly Cooper.

    Reply
  19. dto says

    May 25, 2013 at 4:53 pm

    ***”like”…crap………….CRAP!!

    Reply
  20. dto says

    May 25, 2013 at 5:03 pm

    Duct tape does work but works better if you use it to tape a frog to your nose. It’s an old Pagan thing the Salem witches swore by.

    Reply
  21. Bill in WV says

    May 25, 2013 at 9:13 pm

    Miss Gulch, via 1939 Wizard of Oz fame, rides her bicycle past our house on a daily basis. I also see the model for the artwork from the Led Zeppelin IV album cover on occasion, package of twigs and all.

    Reply
  22. Hollerbabe says

    May 25, 2013 at 10:33 pm

    It’s been so long since I been anywhere that I don’t recognize local friends when I go out.

    As for what younglings call me, my grandkids call me “Nanny” for the most part. The two oldest ones have their own names for me–some I probably don’t hear. As for what I do hear, my oldest grandchild used to call me a pet name and I guess she got yelled at for it because I haven’t heard it in years. It was harmless. I miss it. Another one calls me “crazy lady.” That’s fine. I call him “psychopath.” It all evens out.

    As for the wart–I’m assuming you are certain that’s what it is. I had an impressive one on my shin one time, right down near the ankle where it’s just basically skin stretched across bone. It kept getting bigger and bigger. When I visited a dermatologist for an unrelated issue, he was even impressed by it. He opined that it would be really hard to get rid of and that it would not heal well if he cut it out/off. The only thing he had to offer was injecting some sort of cancer drug UNDER it. No thankee. A couple years later, I tried one of those freezing products, only I threw caution to the winds (whatever), froze it once a week, and then would immediately cover it with duct tape (the real kind), and then a flesh-colored bandaid patch. This went on for a few weeks, and then finally one day the whole thing just lifted right out of its little crater and stuck on the duct tape. Never had a problem since. Now all of this would have been totally unnecessary if MY Nanny were still living. You could show her a wart, and she would rub it a few times, tell you to forget about it, and it would be gone when you thought to check it a couple of weeks later. In lieu of that, I highly recommend combining science–the freezing stuff–with alternative therapy of the Yankee ingenuity variety–the duct tape, along with a flesh-colored patch to prevent all sorts of awkwardness. And tell it that it’s going away, and zap it weekly till it does. Or until something scary happens and sends you to a dermatologist. Don’t bother with the other types of doctors–they are totally clueless and will tell you a melanoma is fine, nothing to be concerned about. Ask me how I know…

    Reply
  23. johnthebasket says

    May 26, 2013 at 12:33 am

    The last two posts have been really good — back to a more carefree style you wrote in for years. Maybe you’ve been thinking what you’re going to do when the latter Secret flies.

    .
    Oh, Atlanta
    Please need me like I needed you.
    Let your sweaty embrace open wide.
    ‘Cause Atlanta, I’ve fallen like some people do
    And I need all your ground to survive.

    Reply
  24. Jason says

    May 27, 2013 at 5:18 am

    My barber is 1000. Joe is his name. He always gets $5 as a tip, unless he shaves me, then it’s $7.

    Reply
  25. Wisey in TTown says

    May 27, 2013 at 9:49 pm

    A Dad on my sons baseball team looks and acts like George Carlin. He is a hoot.

    Reply
  26. suz says

    May 28, 2013 at 4:27 am

    I thought I saw Johnny Depp in a parking lot a couple of days ago. I was leaving the store and he was walking toward me to enter it. As he got closer, I could see that he was much younger than Depp. Other than his age, he could be Depp’s double, though. He had some of his hair in a loose ponytail, held in place by a leather hair accessory. I didn’t notice it until he passed me and I turned around to check out his ass…which I’m happy to say was also Depp-like. We have a college here, so I imagine he’s a student there as I’ve never seen him before, but I’m going to keep my eyes peeled from now on.

    My younger sister and I thought my dad married Carol Burnett. She looked just like Burnett and her name is Carol, too, which kept the confusion going longer than it should have lasted. I was embarrassed when we finally came right out and asked. But, I felt better when we moved that summer and some new friends said, “OMG! Your mom is Carol Burnett!” I said, “No, she’s my STEP-mom” and let them believe whatever they wanted. It was almost always funny when people finally realized the truth.

    Reply
  27. Root 66 says

    May 28, 2013 at 11:17 am

    I saw a guy at the store the other day that looked a lot like golf legend Jack Nicklaus. Since we live in Columbus, I figured it might actually be him, then my wife gently reminded me, “Why in the world would he be doing his own grocery shopping?” Good point…

    I prefer being called “sir” as opposed to “that bald, old, fat guy” any day!

    Reply
  28. Rob says

    June 23, 2013 at 1:30 pm

    I’m late to the party, but I had to comment on the fauz-celebrity sightings. There’s a guy who lives/works in “Historic Downtown” area of my little ‘burb who makes me do a double-take every single time I see him, ’cause he’s a dead-ringer for Jorge Garcia and it takes every single ounce of my restraint not to shout “Hey, Hurley!”

    Reply
    • Rob says

      June 23, 2013 at 1:37 pm

      “Faux” sightings, rather. Dumbass.

      Reply

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