For the past few days I’ve felt like I’m on the cusp of illness. But, so far, I’ve remained teetering on the edge. Hopefully the momentum is in my favor now. Time is on my side, bitches!
Anyway, this one is going to be a little rushed, so I apologize up-front. I couldn’t get off the platform this morning. But I’ve got some funny stuff to share, so hopefully you won’t notice the half-assery of it all.
First off, check out this photo I shared at Twitter and Facebook today. Heroes, risking it all for a worthy cause! You’ve been put on notice, Greatest Generation. Just when you thought your legacy was secure, you might have a little competition on your hands.
Link-bait crapola lists usually make me frown. But this one was worthy. In fact, I found myself laughing out loud a couple of times. And I’m a tough nut to crack. 25 Funniest AutoCorrects of 2012. Yeah, I know… But check it out, it’s pretty goddamn funny.
Our own Swami Bologna sent me an instant classic yesterday. He’s venturing, cautiously, into the online dating waters. He told me he signed up with several websites, including one called Zoosk. I’d never heard of it, but that’s neither here nor there. Check out one of the candidates fo’ love they sent him. What the?? My brain can’t even parse it. So many questions… Good luck, dude.
I was in the break room at work on Saturday morning, and noticed something unusual in my peripheral vision. I turned to look out the window, and saw a whole platoon of soldiers emerge from the woods across the road. Actually, I don’t know if it was a platoon, or a squadron, or what; I’m not up to date on military terminology. But there were about 25 of them, in fatigues and carrying rifles. It was bizarre, and a bit unnerving.
A bunch of us were standing there, looking out the window, waiting for them to attack. And my class clown instincts kicked in, and I said, “Oh shit, they’re Russian!!” It got a pretty good laugh, maybe a B+ on the comedy scale.
Then they started breaking up into groups of five, and going off in different directions. I assume they were training. I don’t know. But it was very strange. All of them were armed to the teef.
On Saturday night I was drifting in and out for hours, while watching Ghost Adventures. I don’t know why I keep returning to that show, but I do. And I have a few observations.
That channel (Travel Channel? I’m not sure) has been bombarding me with commercials for new shows, which I never actually see. I just see the ads, never the actual programs.
One features a smug asshole in an expensive suit, walking through double doors with a smirk on his face. From what I can tell, he’s an expert at turning around failing hotels. I’ve seen the commercial 150 times, but don’t believe the actual program exists.
Same goes for a show about some douche who’s trying to look like Clark Gable, and goes to auctions with a knowing look on his face. In the commercial they show him pulling an ancient cash register off a roof, with a rope. But, from what I can tell, the show itself is never on.
What are they doing over there? Just cutting commercials for possible programs, and gauging the reaction? Or are they real shows? Does anyone know the answer? It’s starting to irritate me.
Also, I saw a commercial for the Chevy Volt roughly 20 times Saturday night. It features a bunch of people bragging about how infrequently they buy gas. And one woman actually says she’s FORGOTTEN how to pump gas. Seriously? Are we really supposed to buy this garbage? What does she do, pull up to the pump, stand there in confusion for a few minutes, then open the trunk and start spraying gas inside? I think those Chevy people might be engaging in a bit of hyperbole. Also, they can ram their Volt, deep and on a slant. But that’s a separate issue.
I need to go now. I hope this one wasn’t too painful.
I’ll be back tomorrow, my friends.
See ya then!
Now playing in the bunker
Treat yourself to something cool at Amazon
Foist?
You don’t want to watch 99.9% of the shit they advertise on television, Jeff; not even the promos. Updating Andy Warhol: In the future, everyone will have a reality show.
The shows that really piss me off these days are the ones showing people picking through other’s garbage and then claiming they found something antique and valuable that’s worth XXX amount of dollars. Who gives a fuck? She me someone PAYING you XXX amount of dollars and then I’ll be impressed (although possibly impressed only by the stupid and spendthrift idiot who threw money away on the shit you dragged out of someone’s garage sale).
I like American Pickers.
I read a long post the other day somewhere about how a lot of the people that appear on Pawn Stars are actually hired actors from a local casting place in Las Vegas.
The autocorrect thing cracked me and the missus up this AM. Thanks for the lift.
The Autocorrect post cracked me up, 11 and 24 got me crying…
5 and 11 had me rolling.
Those autocorrects are hillarious!
Wow, the future Mrs Bologna looks like a keeper. I may have to check out this online dating and end the drought.
The autocorrect link was funny.
You might forget how to put gas in the Volt if your commute is short enough, 25 miles or so is how far it’ll go on a charge I think?
She is quite the catch, isn’t she?
Fetching comes to mind… as in go fetch girl!
“Toothsome” … as in does she have any?
That is what you look like if you indulge in too many chicken vaginas the previous evening.
What the hell, man? I get a bazillion ads for Zoosk popping up on my computer all the time, but it only shows hot cartoon girls with big boobs. How does that translate to a dating service? Or maybe they just aren’t setting you up with the hot cartoon girls…
I just got back from washing my car at one of our local throw your quarters in, grab the nozzle, self-wash places. At the same time a mid to late 20ish woman pulled into the next stall, got out of her care and then watched me wash mine. When I finished, she asked me if I could help her get started with her car because she had no idea how to use it.
What in the hell? People can’t read an follow simple printed directions and pictures on a huge board? How did she ever get a driver’s license?
If I ever told my mom via any means that I wanted her shaved pussy, I would have to kill her because I could never again see or talk to her.
Loved the autocorrect link.
The future Mrs. Swami may have been a stunt double for “Million Dollar Baby.”
And thanks, Jeff, for making me re-visit that goddamn Gumby mouthed, gesticulating asshole who forgot how to put gas in her car.. If only she would forget how to breathe.
Just as funny as the “Million Dollar Baby” black eyes, I think, is the fresh hair-dye blackening the top of her left ear. What was going through her mind? “Well, I have a free moment while I’m waiting for the dye to set, so now would be the perfect time for taking my photo for my online dating profile.” WTF????
That show is a take-off on the save-a-restaurant show and the save-a-bar show.
The other show is about people who buy up left behind stuff at airports, I think.
Hi All,
As you know, I’m relatively new around here.
After enjoying your always at-least-amusing and sometimes downright-hilarious writing I like to play a little game I call “associate the picture with the post”. I thought I was doing well, winning more often than not lately. Last few cases in point …Vidalia Onion – Georgia, check! Clock w/ confetti – new years, right on! Typewriter – writing a novel, I’m on it! You get the idea.
So what’s with the stacks of Oreos and milk today? What am I missing?
Thanks in advance for your help,
Liza
Liza Zajac Whitehead,
There are stacks of Oreos because if they were all piled into one stack they’d fall over.
Jeff has a number of tokens indicating extended TV watching. I think this is one of them.
jtb
Welcome, Liza.
Maybe the Oreos are there because Jeff is always hungry for a funny line.
Or, he felt he should feed the squadron of soldiers flying around, armed, in the woods!
The Oreos are there because of the milk.
Duh!
My interpretation of the oreos and milk photo is that it represents the dichotomy between the proletariate and the owners of the means of production (e.g., “the capitalists”). Jeff Kay is merely reminding us that our role (i.e., as “consumers”) in supporting the existing means of exploitation of the labor class compels us to examine our own moral imperative as proposed by Kant.
Either that or it’s just a picture of some fukkin oreos….
If you own a Chevy volt. Move to new jersey. They’ll pump it for you.
I can read goddamnyouautocorrect all day long.
jeff, a more serious warning before posting any more swami squeezes. that picture made me scream like girl. please warn us!
You shoulda heard ME when I clicked on the link that was supposedly taking me to my “match of the day.” Not so much a scream as a gasp of horror and disbelief.
I just looked at that picture again. I think “she” has an Adam’s apple.
Even Jimmy Kuhn could not spurt to that. By the way, what ever happened to that guy?
Uncle_Wedgie…Jimmy spurtted his last report a couple years back and we all still miss him.
Nobody’s perfect!
‘match of the day’? – that’s funny. Do you have woman beater on your profile?
My hubby just commented that her description should include “pre-beaten for your convenience!”
Exactly what I thought. Her eyes look like someone beat the crap out of her.
Those fine young boys on the bridge pic are doing a public service. They’re letting the general public know that in these parts, life is cheap. So if you’re headed down to the zip lines this afternoon, be warned. You’re not in Disneyland. Pura Vida!
I love on dating websites when people post pictures of their kids, usually women do this.
We get it princess, you put out.
I always think, “Congratulations, someone came in you.”
Number 7, 10, 18, 22, 23, and 25 got me. When I read those autocorrect things I imagine that it isn’t two people on phones, but two people standing next to each other talking. I like the ones where it would seem as though one of the people just received Home Alone level head trauma right in the middle of a conversation. .
Boobcicles.
Boobcicles.
Boobcicles.
You do have to wonder what the Swami looks like, along with his profile information to get matched with her…
OR… is that a picture of the Swami!?
The Swami’s pic has appeared on these pages a time or two. He’s a fine looking feller and has (or used to have) a fine looking boat. I suspect he selected the wrong dating site. He needs to frequent a place where Ted Serios isn’t the staff photographer.
If that’s too arcane, and it fuckin’ well is, he needs to visit a service where the women have little or no experience on the Roller Derby circuit.
jtb
jtb
Nope, I don’t have a boat, and my pic hasn’t appeared on this site. You must be thinking of Swami Baloney rather than Swami Bologna.
Would you like to buy a boat?
Yes, as a matter of fact. A sailboat. Got one to sell?
I’m quite the catch, if one’s idea of a “catch” is being just north of age 50 and just north of 50 lbs. overweight, I’ll have you know.
My husband and I have seen every episode of Ghost Adventures and it used to be good but it’s terrible now. They do too many “reenactments” the show got too Hollywood and went down hill but just like you, we keep watching week after week. I guess were hoping it will get good again but were always disappointed. I’ve seen the same commercials too and have never seen the shows. I hate that smug looking bastard in the vest pulling the cash register down. The only “save the business” type show I watch is Kitchen Nightmares.
The autocorrect link had me crying! I can SO relate, too!
Swami’s sweetie has a nice beauty mark on her neck. Paint that bitch green and put some flying monkey’s in the background. Gah!! wotta ghoul. And WTF is behind the railing on the steps?? Does anyone else see a tongue??
I am a faithful Ghost Adventures watcher. And I have yet to see any of those ridiculous shows advertised either. In fact, all of those types of channels have commercials for nonexistent shit too…Scyfy, Biography, Style channels… The reality shows are getting out of hand and more ridiculous.
Swami…glad to see you’ve cast your net in a few different directions. Zoosk Cove seems to have been over fished and you’re down to the bottom feeders. The Blackeyed Grouper seems to be about all that’s left.
I just had a McRib.
I’ll pray for you. Read this. http://finance.yahoo.com/news/11-amazing-facts-about-the-mcdonald-s-mcrib-170212930.html.
The entire McRib sandwich contains about 70 ingredients — including a flour-bleaching agent used in yoga mats.
There are ground up fish swim bladders in Guinness. If we cared what made food delicious we’d all turn into organic green slime eating Nancy’s.
That my friends is not the life for me.
It’s called isinglass. It’s a clarifying agent and is not supposed to end up in the finished beer. It used to be pretty universal, and a lot of traditional breweries (like Guinness) still use it. Your more industrial and modern breweries have discovered filtration.
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Exactly. But I don’t care how much you rub feces on my burger then wash it off there were still feces there at one point.
Ground up bugs in red dyes? Yum.
Ground up beetles in shellac, bring it.
It’s all about the cooties. I almost never drink Guinness anyway.
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Fuck all that. The McRib is awesome. I can still smell the sauce under my fingernails.
I think the McRib is beside the point, but I think you have a challenge of some sort if you’re walking around smelling your fingernails. That’s Charles Manson territory.
jtb
Oh come on, there are acceptable levels of rodent shit in all food processing plants these days…
C’mom man! I think everyone knows ole Chuck is really “America’s Poet!”
WTH made a phone come up with “Skittletits,” is what I’d like to know. I’ve read that list several times over several days, and that one gets me every time. My new favorite cuss!
I might just be easily amused, but it appears I’m in very good company.
13 and 18. I like me some butthurt potatoes, mm-hm.
I’d like to extend kudos to Swami for his couragous pioneering work.
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Almost forgot. I saw Adolf Hitler in the Wegman’s on Saturday. Well, a guy who looked like him, down to the haircut and mustache.
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He’s in town for the unveiling of his new library. Only holds one book. His.
That explains it. And here I thought I was seeing either neo-Nazism or conceptual art.
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He’s here as a adjunct coach for the Atlanta Falcons for the duration of their playoff run (three hours). He’s a hell of an offensive strategist: Give him a couple big lineman and half a reason, and he’ll invade Poland.
jtb
We don’t have any Wegmans of any kind in the Great Pacific Northwest. Please tell me it isn’t a dating site.
jtb
Wegman’s is a supermarket chain. Man, I’m just as bad as people who say “Piggly Wiggly” and expect me to know it’s a grocery store.
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Were Piggly Wiggly not indigenous to the Great Pacific Northwest, I’d think it was an erectile dysfunction drug.
jtb
You think piggly wiggly is bad? There used to be chain of grocery stores around here called Jitney Jungle.
Holy crap, the autocorrect is outstanding!!! I had to stop halfway through because my co-workers are all looking at me funny…
If you guys haven’t enjoyed the humor of textsfromlastnight.com, I suggest taking a look. I think it’s just as funny as damnyouautocorrect honestly.