We got about eight inches of snow last night, and the boys are out shoveling the driveway as I type. I made a decision that I’m not doing it anymore. We have two healthy males, ages 20 and 18, living in this house, and they’re doing all of that shit from now on. All of it. And when they complain… which goes with the territory, I’m going to call them delicate flowers and sometimes Little Lord Fauntelroy. Then I’m going to take a hit off my coffee, and pop a cookie into my mouth. These are a couple of the life decisions I’ve made recently. There have been others.
I’ve had enough of this crap, though. I don’t really care about the cold all that much, but snow and ice causes me problems during the Tom Petty/Burger King hot dog/talking to my brother or Steve on the phone commute. It complicates matters. My little wind-up car is uncomfortable — it feels like I’m sitting in a plastic laundromat chair going down the highway — but it’s pretty good in snow. Regardless, there have been several white-knuckle rides homes from work this winter. A few weeks ago I had to tap the brakes, on account of chronic shitheadery up ahead, and the back-end of my vehicle attempted to change positions with the front-end. On Interstate 81! That one caused my sphincter to wink, I don’t mind admitting. So, enough is enough. This has officially crossed over into bullshit already.
Speaking of my car, I think I’m going to trade it once spring gets here. In early June, or whatever. I’ve had no problems with it, not really. I just don’t like it. Ya know? I’m not much of a car guy, I view them as nothing more than pieces of equipment I use to get around. I have no romantic Springsteen-like notions on the subject. But I’ve never liked this car. In fact, I believe it’s the first time in my life that I’ve had an actual sustained opinion on my current vehicle, one way or the other. So, screw it. I think I’m going back to the tried and true Toyota Camry. At the first sign of spring… in mid-June or whatever.
I keep forgetting to update on Toney’s attempted bribe of the cable guy. As you might recall, she had a twenty dollar bill set aside for the “project.” She had to call them out for some kind of work-related stuff, but wanted them to also activate another cable line to our bedroom. You know… off the books. Well, he did it without hesitation, and no money was ever mentioned or offered. She just said, “Any chance I could talk you into activating that line while you’re here?” And he said, “Sure, no problem” and took care of it. She wondered if she should’ve tipped him, but didn’t. He didn’t act like it was any big deal, so she quickly dropped it. It saved us a $45 connection fee, or maybe it was $40. And that’s how it went. We’re not sure about the tip. It’s one of those situations where you don’t really know what to do. So, she just thanked him and said nothing more.
A few days ago I read this article about a substitute teacher in Texas who did a cartwheel in class while wearing a skirt and no underwear. It was mildly amusing, but the internet has raised the bar so high it wasn’t anywhere near shocking. However… this part of the story is pretty goddamn memorable:
A 17-year-old female student told police that Sponsler “had said that she was not wearing underwear before performing the cartwheel,” which exposed her “bare vagina.” The student noted that she saw Sponsler’s vagina “open and close, as her legs were in the air.”
Open and close?! Ha! That’s amazing. I’m hearing Pac Man sounds in my head. There are some other crazy-ass quotes in that thing, as well. The woman clearly needs to be in an asylum somewhere. And I don’t understand the discrepancies in the photos. She looks halfway decent in one, and full-hag in the other. Whatever. Here’s a ridiculous video, captured by a student on his cell phone. It’s all slowed-down and perved-up. Good stuff.
I need to go now, even though I have lots more to share. I’ll try to knock out another update over the weekend, to close out the category. No promises, though. I’m a very lazy man. In the meantime, some questions for you guys to ponder:
Do you eat in your car, like I do? Anything more challenging that a Burger King chili cheese dog, at 75 mph? Maybe like a plate of spaghetti or corn on the cob? Please tell us about it.
Have you ever had a car that you just hated, for no clear reason? It’s not a piece of shit, in fact it’s very reliable, but you simply can’t stand it? I’d like to know about it.
And finally… Please bring us up to date on your most inappropriate teachers. I had one give me an F, and added, “And you know what that F stands for, right?” She hated me, openly and with good reason. So, I took that to mean Fuck You. Am I misreading it? What a horrible ugly woman. She looked like she’d been caught in a fast-moving industrial fire, permanently destroying her face skin. She was also white trash and quite stupid… but I’m getting off track here. If you have anything to add to this one, please do. Use the comments link above or below, or wherever.
I’m running late, boys and girls. I’ll see you again soon.
Have a great day!
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Carry8ing over from last post because I think this is a wiener everyone should see.
Here’s a thing that happened yesterday afternoon.
———-
Now everyone at my local Ace Hardware thinks I’m growing weed. I’m not growing weed. Sometimes I smoke tobacco from a pipe. I’ve even had a friend hand carve pipes for me. I like to sit on my patio and read while smoking Virginia and Burley tobacco.
I also like to do things myself. I’ve built guitars, composed music, built electronics, build shelves (poorly), wrote stories, wrote a screenplay, and so on.
This year i decided I want to try to grow and process my own tobacco.
I go to Ace and ask where the seed planters are. Here’s how the conversation goes:
—–
Me: I’m starting some plants and I need seed planters, where are those?
Ace: They’re over here. Follow me.
Me: Thanks. Hey I need some dirt too, you have any dirt?
Ace: What kind of dirt do you need?
Me: I’m starting some seedlings that everything says to grow like tomatoes, so just whatever you would put tomatoes in.
Ace: Oh. Okay. Yeah. Don’t use Miracle Grow, it’ll kill your plants dead to the root.
Me: Bummer, so what should I use.
Ace: Well, we have this, and this, and this. Then if you want to go organic we have a few things. Do you want to go organic?
Me: Yeah probably. I should.
Ace: What are you growing?
Me: Tobacco.
Ace: *stares at me for a moment*
Me: All the stuff I read said to grow it like you grow tomatoes.
Ace: Alright, yeah. I get it. So if you’re ingesting anything like smoking or cooking with it, you don’t have to go organic, but you really should.
Me: *sort of weirded out*. Why would I cook tobacco?
Ace: Oh, I was just saying for anything like that. But you are going to smoke it, right?
Me: Yeah.
Ace: Okay, so just tell us what you’re growing so we can tell you the right stuff. We don’t care.
Me: *lightbulb* I’m growing tobacco. I’m not growing weed.
Ace: Okay. Same thing, sense you’ll be smoking it, it’s best to go organic. Try this and this. So, what else do you need.
Me: Nothing, I’ll come get some pots to transfer the sprouts into later. I have everything else at home.
Ace: yeah, what do you have at home?
Me: Seeds. And a window.
Ace: *looks at me*
Me: And water. I have running water at my house.
Ace: Do you have enough light?
Me: Yeah. I have windows all over my house.
Ace: *stares at me*
Me: And we live in Arizona. So, yeah. Plenty of light.
Ace: That’s all you got.
Me: Yeah. Well what else do you need to grow stuff. Water, dirt, and light. The plant sort of does the rest. I built a growing table for outside.
Ace: So you’re gonna move the plants outside?
Me: Yeah.
Ace: Do you need any shade? Like some tarps or nets or anything?
Me: I’m not growing weed.
Ace: Oh it’s okay we don’t care. You must live outside of town.
Me: *stares at them*
Ace: So do you need any heat lamps or anything?
Me: No. It gets plenty hot here. In Arizona.
Ace: If you get one of these kits you can grow the whole thing inside, you don’t have to worry about moving them. *shows me an indoor growing lab*
Me: I’m not growing weed.
Ace: That’s cool. So no heat lamps then?
Me: Nope, just the trays and the dirt.
Ace: We don’t care what you grow. We just want to know so we can tell you how to do it.
Me: I’m not growing weed.
Ace: We have some Happy Frog systems.
Me: I don’t know what that means.
Ace: Oh they’re the best. High Times has some great reviews on them and they are easy to use.
Me: Nope, I don’t want to get so involved that i am using something called a “system”. Just the trays and dirt. I’m not growing weed.
Ace: We don’t mind.
Me: Really I’m just growing tobacco.
Ace: Okay. Well come back if you need anything else on a different day.
Me: *stares at them trying to figure out why they said “on a different day” like that*. Thanks.
—–
I’m not growing weed. Do I fit some standard mold of a guy who wants to grow his own weed?
Do they just assume everyone who needs to start some seeds is growing pot? Did I have a reefer cigarette on my ear and not know it? Why did they keep telling me to tell them what I was growing after I told them I was growing tobacco.
It probably has something to do with this weird tic that I have. When I tell the truth and someone doesn’t believe me I can’t help but laugh. So when they doubted me after I said I was growing tobacco I started chuckling like a retard on the Ferris wheel. They probably thought I was so high that I figured I could grow and smoke my own pot that same day.
Not only did they clearly think I was trying to grow marijuana, but they were really into it. Like, the people who work the garden section at Ace really wanted me to say I was growing weed. Did they wanted a hook up? Or maybe they are narcs. Either way, they were really interested in me saying that I was growing weed. Apparently they wanted me to grow the best bud I could. Were they assessing whether or not to recruit me into their little weed growing group? Is Ace Hardware front for home grown drug supplies? Is the garden section for marijuana, the plumbing section for meth, the hardware section for zorbet, and home goods section for cocaine shipping?
It was all very strange.
And now the staff at my favorite store think I’m a nature lovin’, tree huggin’, pot smokin’, groovy kinda cay who does his spring weed prep shopping at a local store and is so nonchalant about it that I just grow the plants right out in my back yard.
Did you give Jeff some of your “tobacco”? It would explain the laziness.
I’m not growing weed.
I am but its not working out well.
You should call the Secrets Debbie and Pricilla . That seemed to work with my son.
Reefer cigarette? Hahahahahahaha!
icecycle66 says
February 9, 2017 at 2:48 pm
I’m not growing weed.
…blank stare…Uh-huh…
Yes, you fit the stereotype. Just like if you have more than ten thousand dollars in cash, you must be a drug dealer. Or if you have insulin syringes you are a heroin addict and not a diabetic. Buying bags of fertilizer with non-farm plated truck makes you the next Timothy McVeigh.
Hope you payed with cash, because you know, the federalskies could be checking up on you one day if you used a credit card leaving an information trail behind you.
I think it’s a thing the young women do now – not ware underwear. I have seen several examples of this here in the college town I live in over the last couple of years. I sometimes wonder what becomes of such people – with neck tattoos and those bull nose ring things. I guess I am old.
I live in a college town too, but have not noticed any such thing. It could be that I need to pay closer attention.
My husband bought a new Nissan Rogue a couple of years ago. He needed a reliable car for his considerable commute to and from work, and the dealership was offering a good price. I have hated that thing ever since. It’s comfortable, reliable, and seems to do the job, but it is soooo ugly.
With it’s rounded front end and higher back, well….have you ever seen the SNL cartoon “The Abiguously Gay Duo”? Every time I look at this car, I am reminded of the car “Ace” and “Gary” drive in the cartoon, which looks like a giant dildo. Love the cartoon, but having a car that looks like a dildo…eh, not so much. I refer to it as the “Weiner Car”.
I hated many of my grade school teachers, and I’m quite certain they hated me right back. I can recall many instances of highly inappropriate behavior from teachers that I had the displeasure to know.
I hate to dismiss the more interesting interpretation, but maybe your teacher simply wanted to make sure you understood that the F stood for “fail.”
I can assure you, with 100% certainty, that she was not trying to be helpful. You’ll have to trust me on this one. The only open question is whether she meant “fuck you” or “fuck off.”
It kept snowing sideways here making it impossible to shovel the shit. We got roughly 14 inches but with the drifting its hard to tell how much with any accuracy. And it’s heavy so I feel like my arms are about to snap off.
I had a fender bender a couple of weeks ago. Some bimbo backed into me. I’m not liking my car much right now. Time for something new.
Wait, the Secrets are 18 and 20 now? WTF! Why, I remember last month… wait, that was 10 years ago. Never mind.
I can’t recall any teachers who straight up hated me, but I’m pretty sure Pastor Walker did; he was the principal at the Lutheran school I had the misfortune to attend for 6th grade.
Cars: lots of people have Camrys, including my brother. It seems like a car you would never love or hate; it’s just an appliance that usually works right. Although it’s still front wheel drive, and so still might try to rotate in snow. I once had a FWD car do a lightning-quick 180 with no warning, on dry pavement (I had overcooked an on-ramp). Lots of other people, including my other brother, have Subarus. They are all wheel drive and so might do better in snow.
And my move to Dixieland (northern Virginia) has finally been vindicated: we got snow today, but it was was easily handled by windshield wipers. Not shovels.
And welcome back, Jeff! We were becoming concerned.
“overcooked an on-ramp”?? That’s great!!
We’ve all done it.
Nowadays I usually brine my on-ramps (and chickens). It helps them be more resistant to the effects of overcooking.
Wait a minute. Something isn’t adding up here.
The Secrets are 20 and 18?
That doesn’t make sense. Just 10 years ago when I started reading the…WVSR….they .
were.
little.
Kay nuggets.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Fuck
Wife leased a 2013 Honda CRV for three years – was about as exciting to drive as a floor jack.
I don’t eat while driving but I do floss my teeth every morning on the way to the barn.
I hated most of the cars we’ve owned. Had a Ford truck engine freeze up at 9,800 miles. I have a lot of strangers ask about my Flex. I tell them the truth that I love the model but mine is a piece of shit. Tell ya what, after 2 tries I’m DONE with Ford.
I had a college prof give me an F+. He wanted a paper explaining how women of today (’80) are like Madam Bovary!? Fuck him, he had dandruff in his mustache.
Geez, Reva, all this time I’ve assumed, based on your fast life in wireless, that you WERE Madame Bovary writing under a nom de cheval. That would partially explain the +.
John
Dernit John. I’da wish yewd stop usin them furin words.
Jeff, don’t look now but one of your readers is growing his own weed.
I’m not growing weed.
I am, but its not working out well.
Did I say that already?
I think Ice said it’s all about the light. You got enough light, my brother?
jtb
You can get heat lamps at Ace Hardware.
Ask your friendly face at Ace how well they reviewed on High Times.
The latest Subaru Legacy sedans are pretty nice looking and have full time 4wd. That’s a game changer on winter Rte. 81. I just got a 2017 WRX and it crushes the 230i I looked at in almost every way for $8,000 less.
Do those nice Germans save money by making that a lower case i?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M3fP15F6szA
jtb
Historically, it has never been the Germans’ business to be nice. But in matters technical, they have long been supremely competent.
Personally, I believe the lowercase i to be an affectation. Similar to the monocle, or the tiny moustache.
I’ve had a beard continuously for something like 43 years. Before that, I just had a moustache. I recall that, in trying to make the stache even on both sides, I kept trimming until it looked balanced. I swear there were times that I was one snoop away from invading Poland.
I’m just saying it’s possible that affectations might influence culture and behavior rather than the obvious contrary. Rome wasn’t sacked in a day — until the Visigoths came to town.
John
The Visigoths. Great name for a band. I’m sure it’s been done.
Yeah, there’s a metal band out of Salt Lake City. Predictably, they lack umlauts, which are prohibited within two miles of the Temple. I think their encore song is “Bony Moroni”.
John
Nice, I’ve had a couple of WRXs. They are good cars. I did break a diff doing donuts in the snow so if you’re also tempted bear in mind they are not indestructible. Enjoy 🙂
A WRX with Blizzaks is a tremendous winter car.
Thanks. I’m in Austin, though, so snow is not a concern. If I were still in PA you know I’d be Blizzaked on all 4 corners.
A little surprised to see they come standard with W rated tires. Basically meltaways. I looked at Vs in the same size for when it’s time for tires, but they seem to be more expensive in the Vs than the Ws. What the hell is up with that?
I guess Ws for handling because it’s fast, but not 168 mph fast.
My WRXs both came with lame M+S tires as standard. I used summer Z rated tires in the summer and Blizzaks in the winter. I miss driving those cars in the snow, they were ridiculously fun to slide around 🙂
I would guess they sell more W and Z’s than V’s, hence the price difference?
I thought the older secret was away at college.
Myself also but I have been away for awhile.
Camry. Definitely Camry. Nothing says “transportation appliance” like a Camry. You just drive it and don’t love it or hate it or think about it or write about it in your middle aged blog.
I’m surprised MrBlizzak guy has not piped up.. You still have not bought snow tires have you? We know…
Cable: Keep an eye on your bill. The tech might just add that connection as a line item on his job writeup and you can guess the rest. Cable companies are sneaky bastards now.
I always eat on the go. Life in a service truck, I hate stopping to eat, seems like a waste of time. I do stick to items that are one handed and do not need any special attention to keep corralled. I worked with a guy that could not eat in a car, had no fucking clue how to hold a simple burger together. I did not like working with him, and I’m sure he did not like working with me just on the fact of our different lunch time eating habits. I had another guy once bring a full uncovered mug of coffee to the truck.. Seriously dude? You are about to go rolling down pot hole roads with an open mug of coffee? Travel mug, you know, contain your liquids. I’m glad I work alone 90% of the time.
If you want an appliance mobile, Camry fits that bill. Or Maybe a Rav4 if you want a Camry to see easier over traffic, plus it has an all wheel drive option (still need those snow tires though!) for those tougher commuting nights.
Blizzaks. See above…………………
Blizzak glazed onramps
Over the snowhill gallop
Hakkapeliittas
john-san
Well done!
Hey Jeff, You had a similar question regarding eating in the car a few years back. Spaghetti and soup were my answers, but yours was most hilarious… Fondu? although I haven’t tried it, it’s on my list.
Our local pizza joint gives you a small, free slice when you pick up your order. Back in the car with my order, I pull out into traffic and take the first bite of my free slice when the melted mozzarella cheese slips off onto my lower lip. There are few things more painful behind the wheel than 2nd degree burns on the lower lip. With my new Bubba lip, I arrived home with the order. I got no sympathy from the Mrs. Next time, we’re ordering KFC.
Now I’m wondering how many past female teachers I’ve had whose vaginas opened and closed while driving in a snowstorm.
I love these thoughts.
One of your finest posts Jeff. You put the image of the bearded lady opening and closing all day long in my head, and i got a good laugh, which is priceless these days. May be doing concessions at the Reds games for some extra scratch this summer, so treat them nicely if you all go. Fine work, Sir!
He had a medical problem, sweatilitis, which went away when he passed 60. It’s what happens when old age begins to settle in: as your social appeal diminishes and your wiener shrinks, you begin to give a shit less and less, and there’s reduced cause for sweating. No sweating, no band and, after 1995, no band, no sweating. Notice how the commutative property applies.
John