I couldn’t get a good read on my new boss yesterday. I was introduced to her, but didn’t have the opportunity to have an actual conversation, beyond “Glad to meet you.” Of course there are opinions flying around the place, but they’re based on nothing but dumbassery.
There’s an awful lotta dumbassery in this world. Have you noticed that? Yes, I believe dumbassery has officially gone viral.
The new Pazz and Jop critics poll was released last week, and I spent a few minutes checking it out. In the old days I would’ve devoted several days to it, but I’m getting old and crusty and burned-out.
I did look for Ira Robbins’ ballot, but apparently he didn’t participate this year? Robbins was editor of Trouser Press magazine, and our tastes in music are closely aligned. If he likes it, it’s almost a certainty I will too. He’s led me to some great stuff through the years. Wonder why he didn’t submit a ballot? Wotta rip-off.
Pazz and Jop, in case you’re not a gigantic nerd like I am, is an annual compendium of music critics’ Top Ten lists, published by the Village Voice. Hundreds of critics generally take part in it, and the resulting master lists are considered by many to be The Final Word.
I own five of the top twenty-five albums, and have ambiguous plans to purchase about five more. What about you? Are you into the hipster stuff? How many of the top twenty-five do you have? And in case you were wondering, this was voted as the best single of the year. Great song!
Thank to everyone who checked out my new writin’ site yesterday. It was a good start. I appreciate the comments, and look forward to to a real community forming there.
One thing I’d like to clear up, though. In yesterday’s update I was talking about the kind of posts you’ll probably be seeing at the new site, and wrote this:
It’ll be stuff that’s not really appropriate for the Surf Report…
A few of you did a cartoon double-take, and clearly didn’t like the idea of appropriateness being a part of the whole WVSR equation. But you misunderstood my point, or I didn’t explain it well enough, or something.
I meant that there’s a significant number of you who couldn’t give a single dingle about my views on writing or publishing, so I took it offshore… or something. When I was obsessing about the book over the summer, I heard many grumbles from people, and even some straight-up hostility. So, I decided to separate the two.
And that’s what I meant by appropriateness. Sheesh.
I know these updates haven’t been very good lately, but I’m completely fried. I’m not prepared to join a Circle of Tears, or anything, but I’m exhausted and everything in the world irritates me. Last night at work, for instance, I got PISSED about something, completely lost my shit, and now realize it was an overreaction. I really need some downtime.
I feel exactly the same way I did when I told a sandwich engineer at Subway to go fuck himself, a year or so ago. I’m a bit tightly-wound. But next week I’m only working my regular schedule, and I think that’ll be enough to reboot my system.
Maybe I can even be funny again soon? How cool would that be?
In any case… it’s time for the Question of the Day. In the comments section below, please complete this sentence: There’s nothing worse than a _____.
I’ll prime the pump with two that I’ve said on more than one occasion. There’s nothing worse than a first time parent. (I include myself in that, by the way.) And, there’s nothing worse than a recently promoted asshole.
And now it’s your turn. Take up my slack, won’t you.
And I’ll be back tomorrow.
I think I just sharted
Shart
There’s nothing worse than a shart
Nothing worse than a reformed (fill in the blank) drinker, addict, drunk, born-again, etc.
My God…Nothing worse than a reformed drunk? How about a huge flood? Or a drunk?
jtb
Now, with regard to a reformed born-again, it depends what they are reformed to. If they are reformed to a drunk, that doesn’t seem like much progress. Progress, sure, but not much progress.
jtb
There is nothing worse than…
1) I’m with Joe T – An ex-smoker, newly clean/dry drug-addict/alcoholic
2) A new religious convert
There is nothing worse than a -50 windchill blowing in your face.
Totally with you there, Tina! Although…the wind chill charts were re-vamped about 5 years ago, to more “accurately” reflect the perceived coldness. The new calculations on the charts are a LOT warmer than the old ones. Hence, 50 below on the old chart is like 10 below on the new chart. Here in Nome, Alaska, the Elementary School kids have to go outdoors on the playground for recess until the ambient, or wind chill temperature reaches 20 below. Heck, they open the homeless shelter when the ambient or wind chill reaches 10 below.
Me, I don’t mind the cold. But I really, really hate the wind.
Well hell then, If it’s only 10 below… nevermind!
I had never heard of Pazz and Jop before. I’ll have to give it an extended look at some point… but from a quick glance, the most surprising info is that Kanye West’s album received nearly twice as many points as the #2 album.
There’s nothing worse than the mumble-rumbles during an annual performance review at work.
So once all “nothing worse thans” have been posted, will we vote for the one that’s truly the worst? Because clearly there’s one that actually is the worst, and it’s the only one for which we can accurately say that there’s “nothing worse than”.
OK, now I’m officially old. With a couple of notable exceptions, I wouldn’t accept many of the top 100 albums as gifts. Of course, I’m not a carjacker or a hot spot night club hoodoo, which might explain more than the bad music.
jtb
Two questions:
1. Are you wearing an onion on your belt?
2. Would you like us to get off your lawn?
That’s a cucumber, not an onion.
And I’d like everybody to get ON my lawn and listen to some nice Crosby, Stills and Nash before the Pez and Slop 100 shatter my aplomb.
jtb
Tyrosine for the win!
There’s nothing worse than todays WVSR Classic!!! WOW.
I watched that in horror, and then watched it again. What does she call him at the end? “You little …..!”
Horsey!
Little Horsey!
haha, stole your thunder Farty!!!!
Ah, you vin dis time, Doctor Sean, but I’ll vill not rest.
Welcome to Internet Rule #34: If it exists there’s porn of it. No exceptions.
I think that woman was one of the health professionals involved in my early back treatments. I switched docs.
jtb
Good Afternoon Surf Reporters……
There’s nothing worse than…..
a close talker that has severe halitosis.
a person cultivating a month’s worth of body funk and stank on a hot summer’s day.
owing a bill that’s $200 when you only have $50
reaching for another beer when you realize the last one was really the last one.
realizing mid-dump there is no toilet paper
There’s nothing worse than realizing you have no more beers on a Sunday in Georgia. When will we overturn that law?
There’s nothing worse than a Pakistani on the take.
…….than finding out the girl you’ve been tongue kissing all night has a cock.
…….than a long phone message.
…….than a rich ex-hippie.
……..than swimming by a log of shit in a public pool.
……..than someone trying to pass off ground turkey or chicken as beef.
……….than a homemade hair cut.
……….than being tricked into coming to a dildo party.
………than being caught with your dick in a loaf of processed cheese.
……..than a “man” who waxes his armpits.
………than a poorly organized swinger party.
Okay. Done. It’s that good. ‘Nuff said. At this time.
“than finding out the girl you’ve been tongue kissing all night has a cock.”
“than being tricked into coming to a dildo party.”
“than being caught with your dick in a loaf of processed cheese.”
Are these problems you encounter frequently?
Too frequently, my friend, too frequently.
There’s nothing worse than a successful dieter when they reach their goal…and they have advice for you…
AMEN!!
You mean…”if you just cut out white bread, pasta, soda, beer and oxygen you’ll be back to your high school weight in no time” kinda advice?
I tried diet Oxygen… it sucks.
there’s nothing worse than a:
Islamic terrorist
slow driver in the fast lane
militant vegan
huffington post reader
father raper
litterbug
liar
having to go and being 20 miles from the next exit
having no money AND no pot
finding out the gerbil you just put up your ass has rabies
egg farts
geez, there are LOTS of answers to this question
Huffington Post reader? Really?
There’s nothing worse than a player who keeps slowing down the game because they don’t realize it’s their turn.
There’s nothing worse than kitting kilt……by a wild animal.
There’s nothing worse than shitting your pants.
I don’t know someone else shitting your pants is pretty bad I hear.
there’s nothing worse than a headline of “First Annual” anything
There’s nothin worse than the wrong use of There, They’re and Their
after looking at the music list I need to add one:
nothing worse than the top 100 list of albums on Pazz and Jop
Maybe
There’s nothing worse than a side project website that takes your time away from your original website’s updates.
just jokin’. Good luck with the new site, Jeff.
Nothing worse than a ball crushing wiseass.
Oh yeah, like no one remembers the constant Mockable updates. Again, just kidding, good luck.
Has it already been a whole year since the “Go fuck yourself” Subway incident?
There’s nothing worse than a jackass student that repeatedly asks questions that have clearly been covered in the lecture, and/or by another student’s question.
I like the new web-site.
There’s nothing worse than a blind date with Gene Rayburn
There’s nothing worse than your blind date’s goddamn seeing-eye dog humping your leg while you’re trying to have dinner.
There is nothing worse than…
bad head !
I have been told my reliable sources thier is no such thing. 🙂
I also can not spell. don’t judge I am on a new ‘healthy eating” kick, I am lucky I can leave the house.
Oh there is.
I’ve stopped girls before. Usually by saying something along the lines of “I just can’t wait to bang you”.
I know it may look like a straw, but you are not physically sucking my balls dry.
Especially when they’re toothy…
I with you there! The second you feel the slightest tooth scrape, someones gettin’ swatted aside.
Fuck!
How’s this…Fuck!
I suppose I should explain the two fuck comments. I had a nice comment all typed up and hit submit, unbeknownst to me my user name and email addy were missing and word press ate my hardwork. So I hastily typed them in and said “fuck” only to realize I misspelled my emai addy and my comment was awaiting moderation, so I fixed it and resubmitted a new “fuck”.
Nothing worse than having to explain bad comments.
Nothing worse than locking your keys in your vehicle while it’s running and after ten tries cannot remember the keyless entry code. Then trekking 40 miles round trip to retrieve the spare set only to realize they are locked inside the vehicle in the console.
There’s nothing worse than…
…people who do nothing but brag about how sick they are, or how many operations they’ve had.
Shut up and croak already!! Sheesh!
AMEN to that, Root. I work with a bunch of hens who sit around discussing their cancer, high cholesterol, fibermayalgia, thyroids, goiters, oeprations, procedures, sessions. WHO THE HELL GIVES A FLYING FUCK?
There’s nothing worse than a bee in your eye.
Ain’t that the truth.
There’s nothing worse than…
…some asshat that doesn’t know how to drive in the snow…like the chick I encountered last Thursday during Pittsburgh’s weekly snow storm: Propped up against the steering wheel, seat back straight up, hands at 10 and 2, nose against the windshield, hazzard lights blinking away, going 10mph UP HILL riding the brakes all the way. And not that I could see from my vantage point but I bet her anal cavity was shriveled enought to break a pencil off.
Why do some of these nimrods feel the need to turn their hazards on? Like it’s some public announcement and they’re the concerned and cautious driver. We get it, asshole! The rods are slick and snow covered. Go the fuck home, hit up your prescriptions and zone out until May you drooling moron.
On the other side of the spectrum – there’s nothing worse than… the miserable pricks who don’t clean the snow off their cars and it comes flying back hitting my windshield. And for the SUV owners with 8 inches of buildup on their hoods- buy a longer handled brush.
OH MY GOD BLINK MOTHER FUCKER BLINK!
There is nothing worse than whatever it is that is bothering me right n ow.
There is nothing worse than the asshat that bought a motherboard from me on eBay and then taking his damn sweet time paying for it. I’m betting he backs out.
@shinywilly – i’m not sure there is such a thing.
Pencil sharpener style bad head is…bad head!
Ok WB… ?pencil sharpener style? I’ve been around the block a few times but never tripped on that curb.
My name for using too much teef! or toof.
Oh, you mean organ grinder?
Yeah, organ grinder…I no longer like my comment as it has occurred to me the term “pencil dick” could be thrown my way for complaining about “pencil sharpener” head. I retract my comment and expect no further discussion on the matter.
WB: That’s what I thought but I didn’t want to open my dicklicker too soon.
Oh, BC, you little minx. =8^-)
There is nothing worse than
1. a limp dick
2. religious people..yes all of them
There’s nothing worse than an unwanted boner.
At my age, the words “unwanted” and “boner” never, ever occur in the same sentence
Casey…
Were dicks not limp most of the time, men would walk like John Wayne some of the time and Robert Mitchum the rest of the time.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4vlx76AlpnI
jtb
And if you haven’t seen El Dorado recently, you really should. It’s always been in my Top 20.
Kanye West doesn’t have enough Y chromosomes to be in that film. Just sayin’…
jtb
There’s nothing worse than….
A letter from the IRS
A bitter ex-wife with no job and nothing better to do than make your life miserable
A letter from the ex-wife’s lawyer
A letter from your lawyer
A letter from your current wife’s lawyer
A letter from your kid’s lawyer
No wonder I hate my mail man.
Hehehe…perty much my point of view. Circa 1980-something, a guy walks into my place of business.
Stranger: “Are you Clint Curtis?”
Me: “Yes, how can I help you?”
Stranger: (thrusting some papers into my hand) You have hereby been served.”
Long story, but the gist is that I was subpoened (sp) by the defense of the guy who murdered my girlfriend so they could make it look like I committed the crime.
To add insult to injury…the Defense only had to pay a small portion per mile of the trip. Hence, if everything had worked out in their favor, I would have had to PAY for my trip to the electric chair…and probably made to pay the utility bill also!
Damn.
God Almighty, Clint…
Oh I’m very sorry – and speechless.
Nothing worse than a semen stained brillo pad.
I own #’s 8, 10, 12, 22, and 40. Not bad.
The Black Keys fucking rock.
I’m listening to Brothers right now!
Tighten Up may be the best song of last year.
I know it won some sort of “single” award but who can keep track of all the awards these days.
I think Thickfreakness is still my favorite album.
I only recognize a handful of names on that list. I wouldn’t give you $1 for the whole collection. Kanye West? Please.
There is nothing worse than having to take care of two chilren with the flu, whilst you also have the flu.
The Village Voice? That’s still being published?
Thanks JK. I count on you to alert me to the P & J survey every year. I always find something new and interesting to check out. I’m headed to that Mavis Staples right now.
There’s nothing worse than a homeless eskimo.
you are on today t-storm!
There’s nothing worse than day 4 of constipation due to eating too much cheese and Vicodin?
I understood. But I had to read it twice…
I understood, but I had to read it twice.
Of the top 25 albums on Pazz and Jop, I have, of course, zero. Of the top 150, I was very surprised to find 24 artists that I’ve heard of. I was utterly astonished to find that two of these are albums I have.
Jeff, disregard the naysayers. I like the new site so far, but then again I’m the opposite of a writer so what the hell do I know.
.
Dude…
You’re right about the Archie Goodwin mixup. I know of no evidence that the comic book writer/artist drank rye, but that’s the kind of thing one might not run across on the Web.
The two Archies did cross paths when the comic guy was the keynote speaker at the 1993 Black Orchid Banquet sponsored by the Wolfe Pack. Perhaps he had a rye highball that night.
Thanks for the alert.
jtb
There’s nothing worse than:
seeing your grandmother naked
standing in line at the supermarket while an emaciated old lady who can’t find her glasses writes a check for $4.69 worth of groceries.
skunked beer
Like Jeff said.
Checks are sooo 1979 — regardless of purchase price I SAY
I remember when you told that sandwich engineer to “Fuck Off”
.. hang in there, comrade.
…dogs that bark for no reason
…cats that make you like them when you’d rather not.
…throwing away a pair of boots you should have five years ago.
…your first broken heart
Now then
…Your fuckit meter pegging at 11 all day.
…A new manager who writes a memo about dress code and personel hygine. The fuck man?
…Coffee that’s too fucking hot to drink for fifteen minutes.
…Finding out that slow leak on the left rear tire sped up over night.
…A party with no keg.
…Working at Subway and being bitched out by pissed off guys who think they’re funny.
Nothing worse than a president who can’t tell a joke.
I gravatar’d my avatar check it. Avatawesome. If you are wondering it’s a smily face in Guinness foam.
That Cee Lo Green song I love. My friends are telling me that over in the US they’re only playing the “Forget You” version. Is that true? In Italy, we hear the “Fuck You” version in the grocery stores. Cracks us up every time!
Happy Wednesday, Surfers!
nothing worse than some spunky, cheerful asshole telling you today is going to be a great day when you know full well you’ll be spending 12 shitty hours dealing with pricks who are out to screw you over just to cover their own miserable job performances.
My day is going to suck, and me putting on a happy face and trying to fight it is just another exercise in futility. I don’t have the energy for that anymore.
My neighbor like to post on facebook Sunday nights about how much he’s looking forward to Monday and how he’s going to conquer the business world in the coming week. Makes me want to grab a ball bat, walk across the backyard and beat him silly.