My alarm clock is like some nagging school teacher, or ex-girlfriend, or something along those lines. This morning it started screeching at me to get up, and I politely informed it I would be getting out of bed soon, but not right now.
So, she left me alone for just a few short minutes, but was soon yelling again. In a really annoying, Wanda from Fairly Oddparents voice: “Get up!! Get up!! Get up!!!” Holy shit, man. Leave me alone! Get off my goddamn back.
She went away, following my outburst, but was right back in there five minutes later: “Get up!! Get up!!” The sound of her voice just goes straight through my brain stem… Goddammit! I’m trying to get a few extra minutes of shut-eye. Is that too much to ask?? Holy fuck.
And it just kept happening, over and over again. She’s the most annoying and relentless bitch of an inanimate object I’ve ever encountered. God, I hate her so much.
I think it’s safely autumn, right? I believe it’s time to yank all the Soviet humbox window air conditioners, and take them to the basement. It’s a gigantic pain in the sensitives, but I like the taking out much better than the putting in.
When I’m installing all five of those ridiculous contraptions, it’s usually 90 degrees in our house, with 92% humidity. And I know I’m looking straight down the barrel of three or four months of nasty heat and a crack that’s perpetually awash in perspiration.
But when I’m removing the humboxes, there’s fall in the air and the leaves are blowing around. Bourbon season is right around the corner, and all is right with the world.
So, while I certainly don’t look forward to lugging those bastards to the basement, it could be worse. I’ll try to remind myself of this fact, when I step on one of the plugs with my bare foot, and almost go cascading down the stairs with a 100 lb. aluminum box in my hands. Yes, it’s a twice-a-year tradition…
Another thing that annoys me, which I’ve recently started noticing: people who describe things with the word “bad.” I’ve seized on this now, and can’t ignore it. It bothers me, every time.
You know what I mean, right? Over the past few years people like to put “bad” at the front of their descriptions. “…like a bad ’70s sitcom,” or “…a bad Ramada Inn lounge singer,” or “…a really bad comb-over.” Everything’s “bad” all of a sudden, and I don’t care for it.
Also, I’ve written about this before, but feel like doing it again… Many young people believe that anything old is automatically from the ’70s. Have you noticed this? If they see a Hitchcock movie from 1956, or whatever, they’ll tell their friends it was an old ’70s flick. Or if they go into a building or office that’s a throwback to World War II, they’ll claim it’s “straight out of the ’70s.” Why always the ’70s? And why the sudden overuse of bad? It bugs me.
I was recently telling someone at work about how I was offered a job by the FBI, during a previous lifetime. You can read about it here. And I started wondering how different my life would be, if I’d gone to Washington, DC, and taken them up on their offer.
It was one of those big ol’ forks in the road a person encounters several times during their life. It’s safe to say my current life would not exist, and I’d be either dead, or living in some other, completely different world. I wish there was a way to use computer forecasting software, or something, to see how it would have played out.
I don’t regret it, mind you, I’m just curious. I mean, I have no interest in law enforcement. No passion for it, whatsoever. So, no regrets on the FBI front. It’s just freaky to think about how that one decision completely influenced the rest of my life. For good or bad, who knows?
What clearly defined forks in the road have you encountered through your life? Are you happy with how you handled it? What do you think would have happened if you’d taken the alternate route? Please tell us about it in the comments section, won’t you? I think this could be an interesting topic.
I’ll see you guys again tomorrow.
Have a fantastic day.
Now playing in the bunker
Treat yourself to something cool at Amazon.
haven’t used an alarm clock since 1993. hate ’em.
Today’s bunker cam nearly made me fall out of my chair. Love it.
“She’s the most annoying and relentless bitch of an inanimate object I’ve ever encountered. ”
Heh, heh… You haven’t met my ex-wife.
I’ll second that, meaning my ex-wife of course… 😉
Forks for me all involve women I should have stayed with instead of screwing up. Well, only one. Things would have been very different and I might have been able to be a stay at home dad but oh well.
I’m currently laying on my couch wearing nothing but a Two Cow Garage t-shirt, watching Scrubs, and fucking around on the computer. The fork could have been worse.
Also, theme song for this update:
I’ve had the tine of my life.
Or “Tine Is On My Side”
or “If I Could Save Tine In a Bottle”
Morris Day and the Tine
Tine after Tine
Or the C Lo Green hit – Fork You
Remember that movie “Tine Bandits”?
I think it was about little people thieving cutlery.
Al Stewart’s hit, “Tine Passages.” If memory serves, it was about a fork that got sucked down the garbage disposal.
I thought the young people used the word “sick” to describe things these days.
Before my IT career began I was in an East coast hotel lounge circuit band. The next step was to go to Europe and become a military base lounge circuit band. The money was excellent, even in the hotel gigs, but I would be dead now.
There is no need for alternate future forecasting software; I would just be dead from a drug overdose, drunken swimming pool accident or some other totally bizarre, stupid young person instant death syndrome event.
Instead I found computers and embraced my inner nerd, and have never looked back except for my old man, “back in the good ole days” ramblings.
People use the word “bad” to mean bad-ass “Give me a big bite of this bad boy sandwich” or something as stupid. Either way, it’s all irritating.
Fork in the road – I should have gone and taken the damn course to become a private investigator. But nooooo, dorko here stays in college, gets a dumb ass degree in English and becomes a secretary. Woah – life in the fast lane.
Of course, if I HAD become a private investigator, by now I would have been retired from that profession anyway. But who knows…
I got into a “discussion” at a stop light once with a dude that had “Bad Ass Toy” on the side of his pickup. The “discussion” revolved around how gay he had to be to use a pickup as an Ass Toy, but how astute he was to know that a truck would make a bad Ass Toy.
If only he had learned about hyphens instead of air brushes……
Should have stayed in the military way back when. By now I would be retired, wearing a sweater vest, and have a cushy civil service job.
Jeff…when does “brown liquor” season officially begin?
I’m not Jeff, but I know the answer: it begins when you say it does.
.
Jeff’s season starts on Halloween and ends New Years, my season starts on Halloween and ends on my dads birthday, October 29th.
When I was thirty five, I had a choice. Continue to do drugs and drink alcohol to death or marry a hot 18 year old who insisted I didn’t do those things.
15 years later, goddamn I miss the drugs and drinks.
15 years later, the drugs and the drinks are still good. Not much has changed.
Yeah, the snatch is too, but I really need something to take the edge off. I’m about to go all ballistic down here.
The further evidence link was interesting:
“The consumption of large amounts toothpaste is, due to high levels of Sorbitol (laxative),Sodium lauryl sulfate (soap foam) and fluoride (communist), very dangerous and should not be attempted by anyone. It can be used, in pea sized amounts, as minty condiment or after dinner treat”
Tha fuck?
I don’t have any real regrets. I have many forks because I’m impulsive. I think nothing of moving to another state, indeed I’m in Alabamie right now.
Most of the people I’ve murdered were revolting, so I wouldn’t change that. Guess I’d have to say that my cruise control has been set pretty good.
Yes, it’s fall, I think. Rid yourself of the boxes. And speaking of the alarm clock, when do we fall over (or whatever the fuck) and change our time? Is the fall the good time change or the bad one (where you get up earlier and it’s dark at 3:00 in the afternoon)?
Oh God…I hate when daylight savings time comes to an end. It’s so fucking depressing. Get up…it’s dark. Leave work…it’s dark. I feel like I live in a cave after so long. Even though they extended it to start two weeks earlier and end two weeks later…it’s still sucks weiners.
My fork in the road would have led to the unemployment line as that would have led to a career in the manufacturing field of some sort.
The place I would have gone to underwent a few changes and shut their doors a few years ago. And that would have led to another fork deeper into the manufacturing field, the major players which have also closed doors a few years apart. So some not-so-good events in the past got me where I am today in a nice mostly stable long term job that I enjoy doing.
Christ…I have so many forks in the road, I have enough place settings for a Thanksgiving dinner.
I have always worn my heart on my sleeve and made life decisions on a whim. It usually isn’t until it’s too late that the thought process begins for me. “Should of/Would of/Could of” seems to be my theme.
The biggest “fork” was when I met my now late husband. It was also the beginning of the end of my antique shop closing up. He hated that store. I couldn’t have closed it up fast enough for his taste. I think he felt it took too much of my time away from him. However, since I had a deadbeat partner in the business and she wanted out anyway, I wanted to continue the business myself.
The shop was 2800 sq. feet. I wanted to downsize to something I could handle myself and reopen in the same neighborhood but much smaller square footage. It became a constant battle with my husband (then boyfriend) and wasn’t worth the daily arguements and bullshit. So I sold everything off, close up and didn’t look back.
I totally regret that now and wish I had gone ahead and found another location while the rentals in that neighborhood were still affordable. He would have gotton over it, eventually, and I would have been much happier doing something I love every day of my life.
Now, here I sit it this fucking office, miserable Every. Single. Day. There is nothing like doing your own thing and making a living at it.
The life switch for me was getting busted. If that had not happened I would most likely be dead, in jail or be ruling my territory with an iron fist.
Off topic and not the forum for it but I am going to see Zappa Plays Zappa tonight with Return To Forever. Should be great.
You are in for a great show!
Return to Forever is an incredible band. You will be amazed. Have fun.
If Return to Forever has any relationship to the 1972-vintage Chick Corea thing, then it will indeed be great.
.
Chick Corea, Stanly Clark, Lenny White, Frank Gamble, Jean-Luc Ponty . Unbelievable shows. ZPZ was just as good.
I saw that show a few weeks back in Nyc – both bands were incredible
I should have never sold my fruit bat guano empire to the fucking chinese. On everything else I semi-nailed it! Well, almost.
It’s true what they say, “It’s all fun and games until someone gets a coke bottle stuck in their ass.”
Our neighbor has held an unhealthy grudge against me ever since I cut down the tree he planted when his son died. So I might do something different there, if I could.
I will say this though, Once you’ve tasted human bone gelatin you can never go back. God I wish I’d never had that first delicious bite.
I’m scared to death that I’ll end up on my death bed thinking, “I should have poached more wildlife.” Trying real hard to keep that from happening, so I’ve been poaching the fuck outta wildlife ever since I sold out to the chinese.
I imagine that there’s a few people out there who wanted to be serial killers, but got caught after their first murder. How fucked would that be? No do overs. No second chances to get it right. They just lock you up like some kind of animal. One in a row, that’s it. Fuck! Cock! Shit!
I just want to note that AWG plays the alphabet piano like Count Basie played the black ‘n’ white kind. Salud.
jtb
I’m currently searching for a fork in the road.
Most of my forks were the t-storm kind. The other one was not joining ROTC when I was in college. My main motivation for considering it was to be able to fly fighters, but a look at the fine print revealed that I wouldn’t have been eligible for pilot training.
.
It might be different today. Some of the height and penis size restrictions have been relaxed.
ho ho.
jtb
‘get a PhD, no application required?’
‘Nah, I’d rather run off and get married.’
Stupid stupid stupid.
College vs military, made the right choice there. Military vs civilian life, made the right choice there.
Pure fucking luck. The dice happened to add up to seven both times. Wouldn’t change either.
It’s my birthday today, so I’d rather not think about all the times I forked up! 🙂
Happy birthday young lady. Hey…one outa two ain’t bad. 🙂
Thanks, DTO! 😀
Happy Birthday, Gretchen! Hope you’re having a fantastic day. Speaking of forks, can I get a forkful of birthday cake?
Happy Birthday Dearest Gretchen!! I hope you get everything you wished for…so blow hard!!
Happy Birthday Gretchen. Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese, just wanted to point that out.
Thanks everyone! 🙂
A wise Yogi once said…”When you see a fork in the road, take it.”
When I got out of high school I had a choice of College or going on the road. Either one was waiting for me. College would guarantee a band directors job. The road didn’t.
My cellphone is my alarm clock and I’m not kidding when I say harp music now gives me a shot of adrenaline to the system. I had been using the harp ringtone as my alarm and suddenly harp music (it’s amazing how often they use it in TV and radio…) was making me jerk as if somehow I’d gone the whole day in a dream to that point. HORRIBLE feeling. Now I use some weird planetarium-sounding music and it’s a bit easier on my fragile nerves.
If I’m asleep and hear harp music…that probably means I ain’t wakin’ up.