On the day we returned from Atlantic City I went straight to the car wash, ’cause my “new” car was covered in road filth and bugs. And when I got back home I parked in our driveway, climbed out from behind the wheel, and the woman across the street yelled, “Here comes fatty!”
Whoa whoa whoa! My head swiveled in her direction, and I was ready for war. But she was talking about one of her cats. They have a whole passel of outdoor cats over there, and they roam the neighborhood terrorizing and murdering various smaller animals. Apparently, she was feeding one of them on their porch, and another one came running. Hence the proclamation, “Here comes fatty!”
Thankfully I didn’t yell anything back at her and just went into the house as normal. And five minutes later I bent over to grab a cutting board from inside a kitchen cabinet and blew the entire ass out of my pants. It was an emotional roller coaster, I’m telling you.
Earlier this week I hired a guy to mow our lawn this summer. Actually, it’s not just one person, it’s a whole team of Larry the Cable Guy lookalikes. Last year I did it myself, with the dubious help of my kids. But this year I’m outsourcing that shit. I can’t really afford it, but that small detail isn’t holding me back. During my life, I’ve dabbled with living above my means, and find that I’m reasonably comfortable with it. Indeed, the day I told those guys to “get ‘er done” was like Christmas morning to me. I have an extra spring in my step now, and am greeting people on the street with “Lovely afternoon, isn’t it?” and that sort of thing. And in Northeastern PA that’s viewed as bizarre behavior. This is more of a Do Not Make Eye Contact kinda place. They probably think I’m Special Needs. Oh well.
A few weeks ago I was in Wal-Mart buying socks. I don’t know what they’re called, I’m not up on all the latest sock lingo, but there’s a specific kind I like and Wal-Mart always has them. They’re fairly difficult to find elsewhere. Anyway, there were three girls in that section, maybe 14 years old. And they had some guy on the phone: his face was on the screen and they were talking to him about underwear. “Are these OK?” they asked. “Does it say 100% cotton?” he answered. “Hold them closer to the phone so I can see better.” The dude looked like he was 50 years old, and he sent a group of young teenage girls out to buy him a fresh bundle of tighty-whities? It was weird. And they weren’t even snickering or making sarcastic comments… The whole thing made me uncomfortable.
On a related note… Why do socks come in a resealable pouch? I sincerely don’t understand.
Here’s a conversation I had with Toney a few minutes ago:
Me: I think I’m going to order Chinese for lunch. Want anything?
Toney: Yeah. Sounds good. I’ll have General Chicken. …And don’t say it!
Me (ignoring the warning): I prefer a more specific chicken.
Toney: That was funny the first 25 times I heard it, but now it’s getting a little old.
Me: It’ll never get old. Never!
From the You Guys Were Completely Right department: The best thing on SiriusXM is Little Steven’s Underground Garage, Channel 21. It’s the only thing I listen to now. It’s fantastic. I’m even getting to know the DJs on there (Kid Leo, Mighty Manfred, Palmyra Delran, Lenny Kaye, etc.). It’s a pleasing mixture of things I know and love, songs I haven’t heard in 35 years, and a whole lotta great stuff that’s completely new to me. I no longer play CDs in my car or stream anything from my phone. It’s Underground Garage 100% of the time. The only small (very small) complaint is that they’re a little heavy-handed with the Joan Jett. I don’t have an issue with her, but they go overboard with it. Also, there’s too much latter-day Ramones. Is there really a need to hear deep cuts from Brain Drain etc.? I submit that there is not. But those are only small little bitch-bites. I love the channel. It’s made my life a little bit better.
I have to leave for work now. I’m working the old 3 pm to 1:30 am schedule today, covering for somebody on vacation. I worked that schedule for six years or so and didn’t think anything about it. Now it kicks my ass. It feels like it lasts roughly 20 hours. But I’ll survive. I’m almost sure of it.
We’ll be flying to Myrtle Beach in a few days. For a Question, I’d like to know what type of person is the worst to sit beside on an airplane. Also, if you have any terrible airplane passenger tales to tell, we’ll gladly take those, too. Use the comments section. I’m not sure when I’ll update again, but I should have some stories for you guys. Please stay tuned.
Have a great day, my friends.
See you again soon.
Now playing in the bunker
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Worse airplane neighbours are snorers! Not a plane but I was just on vacation in Asia and took a 2 hour bus ride – whatever was in the seat behind me was emitting noises that had people up to 4 rows forward turning around to see if it was human.
Also if I am stuck in the middle on a plane, anyone who uses the internal armrest and spills into my territory. Someone who smells would not be good but thankfully I have not had that experience.
Sorry ‘worst’ (and First!!!). Also bad when you are on a smaller plane and the person in front of you reclines onto your lap – for a 2 hour flight?
The worst passenger neighbor is the fat sweaty person who is constantly trying to ooze over into your seat.
Good for you Jeff and remember Kid Leo loooooves the coooompany. I think Little Steven himself is the best DJ. Always has a good story to tell.
Worst airline neighbors: Fat and Friendly. Keep your ass meat and your shitty stories to yourself.
And every person on earth should follow Jim Jeffries’ airplane etiquette. “Window gets an armrest and a wall, middle gets two armrests, aisle gets an armrest and a little extra leg. We’re not fucking animals, we live in a society…”
I hadn’t heard of him so just looked him up. I saw a youtube clip – he wasn’t hilarious but not bad still entertaining. I see he is touring in Canada this summer so I will check out a show.
The worst passenger is the Farter! Not only is it disgusting but you have to think that you are getting lumped into a possible offenders list by the passengers in close proximity.
I had to sit next to an extremely LOUD flamboyantly gay guy once wanted to chat me up when I was trying to read. He was so loud that people were glancing back at us 4 to 5 rows up. There wasn’t much I could do about it so I just decided to make the best of it. I would have still rather of read my book but it turned out to be a pretty interesting conversation. The guy was hilarious and lead a pretty interesting life. He was entertaining about a 3rd of the plan because he was so loud.
“I’m not sure when I’ll update again…” is too vague and makes me uneasy.
I once flew to Calif from Pittsburgh next to an old lady who was attending a cat funeral. She re-used the mini-bar whiskey bottles. I learned that if you put a little saran wrap on the top before you put the screw-top back on, you avoid leakage. I learned that if you keep your head turned slightly to your left for five hours so as to not appear impolite to an old lady, your neck hurts like a bitch for two days.
How about the guy who reads Hustler on the plane?
I am laughing so hard reading this…. I’m sure I could have used lmfao but wanted to express myself further. What an awful thought.
It’s for the articles.
Worst plane mate – have to say that the overly-large smelly sweaty person how has hefts a hunk of thigh meat ONTO YOURS when being seated is the worst. Unless it’s the elderly lady two rows up who just shat herself and doesn’t know it.
I have had both experiences. Would trade either for a glambouyant gay guy in a second.
‘who has hefted,’ rather.
My brother and his family were flying from Florida to NY via Raleigh-Durham. On the second leg, a stench filled the cabin. My sister-in-law gave my brother the stinkeye since he’s been known to wipe out entire houses. My nephew says, “DAD!” My brother professed his innocence.
Turns out that an old lady let go a few rows ahead and refused all offers to freshen up. People had tissues up their noses.
My favorite plane neighbor image is John Candy in Planes, Trains and Automobiles (I think that’s right) where he sits all over Steve Martin, then takes his shoes and socks off AND SNAPS THE SWEAT OUT OF HIS SOCKS. That stuff would be on Facebook Live if it happened today.
That’s the best thing you could do is outsource that mowing! You actually sound like u have a spring in your step!
We just had a fun plane flight from Newark to Las Vegas. The lady next to my wife was claustrophobic and couldn’t sit still. Once airborne, she ordered a big bottle of wine, polished that off and ordered a second bottle. Finding that wine not to her liking, she ordered two bottles of vodka, polished them off and got two more. How she was able to stand is a mystery. We saw her at the baggage carousel, where she almost toppled over some luggage.
I sat next to a young woman with a small baby on my flight from Bangor to Philly. I expected it to be a horrible trip, complete with spit up and screaming.
Instead of complaining about it, I offered to help and ended up being accused to trying to abduct her baby or some other nonsense.
Unlike Jason, I’m not a stalker and if I were, I’d kidnap someone who has teeth and doesn’t crap their own pants.
Th woman was so convinced I meant her harm she smacked the baby’s head on the overhead storage area in her rush to get away from me.
Then she asked the flight attendant to escort her to the terminal or something along those lines. I’m surprised I wasn’t detained or something.
Crazy stuff.
Moral of the story: Don’t offer to help people on a plane.
Old woman in the seat next to me thought she was going to clip her toenails in flight. I nixed that right away. This was a transAtlantic flight and I would assume it was leg one of a two leg flight home to the East. She was also traveling with some pretty pungent food, which is fine because I like that food but I know many don’t. This was pre-9/11.
Wrong direction, but the absolute best air-neighbor is the functional alcoholic with pills.
The chatty evangelist, including those whose lives are devoted to Amway or whatever. I once spent a 9-hour flight next to a woman who was trying to sell me some sort of unconventional makeup. (I am male and have never worn makeup.)
Had a guy sit behind me on a flight from New York to San Francisco that whistled for 7 straight hours. Homicide was quickly working its way to the top of the solutions list.
Hadji, with his plaid shirt buttoned to the top, sits in front of daughter and me. Terrible odor and I pull my shirt over my nose. I look over at daughter and she has done the same thing. We laugh but keep the shirts up all the way to Dallas.
Next week is the Spring Festival, aka Black biker week, here in Myrtle. I personally like it better than Harley week. We usually drive north and find a bar with a table outside. We drink beer and watch the flashy bikes and cars go by. Jeff, I’m pretty sure you know this but Peaches is a great place to sit in the AC and watch the people.
Damn, I hate sounding like a hornier-than-thou Yankee, but this blows me away. Not much surprises me in Trump’s America, but Segregated Biker Weeks manages to. Jesus sauce with biscuits, I thought we won that war.
I’m not casting asparagus on you, Reva, for talking about it. I’m sure it’s just part of the tapestry in the South. I hope you’ll send in a report of your experiences at the event.
John
Black Bike Week got it’s real start in the 80’s. Had a fledgling movement as far back as the 60s.
Have never come across another person so affected by an elected official to warrant mention with such frequency. Sounds like you need something else to worry about.
I’m sure if I complained about a certain progressive speaker with no practical knowledge of how anything on Earth actually worked, you’d have said “WTF” as well.
Let the pussy comments begin !!!
And once again John, I find myself in your corner. We really need to stop meeting like this. I don’t think the politician was the relevant part of the post. I think the segregated celebrations and the inherent devisiveness was the point to be take. And well taken at that.
*taken
Yeah, Mook, I certainly don’t blame Trump for segregation, and I don’t think I’m the touchy one here. Had I said, “in the Xenophobic America that elected Trump . . .”, or, to try to avoid hurting anybody’s feelings, “in today’s Xenophobic America . . .”, I guess it would have passed right through, like a cherry pit. The point is certainly that Myrtle Beach doesn’t seem sufficiently embarrassed to be holding segregated bike weeks this long after Reconstruction.
As for T.Q. Mark, I have always found his comments to be thoughtful, very funny, and never mean. I would never intentionally offend him. So Mark, I’m sorry man. It’s just the turn of a phrase, and I’m sorry you took it as an attack on your guy. Yeah, I’ve been critical of him before, and likely will be again, but segregation in America predates the Trump presidency by 397 years. If there’s anything of which he’s innocent, it’s structural racial separation.
I have no idea what a pussy comment is, so I don’t know how to avoid one. I remain convinced that honest people can disagree with respect.
John
And Mookie,, thank you for being there. I always enjoy your comments as well. It’s too bad we can’t have fun with politics any more, because there’s little in the world that’s more intrinsically funny. . .jt
My wife and I go down to Myrtle Beach twice a year, and I actually don’t even see the immediate area as “the south”. There’s so many transients there that it really doesn’t seem like the stereotypical south any more than Florida does. We probably know at least a half dozen people from New Jersey that live there now. That being said, certain aspects of humanity are present throughout the country, if not the world. Love Myrtle though, plan on retiring there in a few!
John the Basket, Black Biker Week just started organically, by black bikers. There was no officially imposed segregation involved whatsoever. “Xenophobic America that elected Trump”. It’s that the same “xenophobic America” that elected Barack Obama twice? Sanctimonious buzz-killing twat.
Sincerely,
YRGFM
I shouldn’t reply to hate speech, but I’m a huge Groucho fan, and I need to set the record straight. Groucho dropped out of school after the 6th grade to help feed the Marx family, and spent the rest of his life self-educating. He read voraciously, wrote four books himself, and corresponded with the intellectuals and leaders of his time. I’ve read his books and much of his correspondence. Groucho was a Democrat and a progressive. He would have hated Trump, but he wouldn’t have hated you. He valued the voting franchise too much to resent people over who they voted for.
He liked to golf, enjoyed cocktails, and loved to talk, so after he made some movies, he tried to join a couple of country clubs in LA, but none of them allowed Jews. So a number of Jewish people in the entertainment business started Hillcrest Country Club, which Groucho joined. Nobody made the Jews start Hillcrest. It was sort of an organic thing.
Grouch visited Europe after WWII, partly to perform, but partly to visit Berlin and dance on Hitler’s grave. He was a great American. I think I’ll be keeping the avatar.
John
John,
I’ll leave this here as a peace offering. My nom de plume was created in a moment of pique, and in truth, Groucho was never ruined for me.
I had never seen the following but found it very interesting, perhaps you will as well.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cXlIZBZpkoA
Wow guys I didn’t mean to start a war. I’ve lived here 3 years so I’m no historian for bike rallies in the South. The segregation aspect is relative. Just my observation here, predominately white folks ride the classically dressed Harley and the black folks ride the most tricked out, impressive bikes I’ve ever seen. Like music and fashion, the white bikers are now taking from the black bikers and making it their own.
John, Myrtle is not organizing and promoting a segregated bike week. The Atlantic Beach community started rally in the 80’s and it has grown to 400,000 participants. With that many people comes trouble be it black or white. I’m an old white woman who enjoys the (insert politically correct label) Spring Fest and look forward to it. I’m sorry you don’t understand.
No war. Just action/reaction. I just felt that to go from Black Bike Week to Trump was as if John was searching in earnest for any chance at all.
Like anything on the internet, if you are looking to be offended, yer gonna be batting a thousand 100% of the time.
Reva, 400,000 participants separated by race simply surprised me. I wasn’t judging the city or the state or the people who come to watch — I was simply expressing incredulity, based on a long history of racial separation all across the country that hasn’t been particularly benign or benevolent. But if this works, it works. Live and be well.
John
YRGFM, I can’t reply above due to limits imposed by the overlords Jeff talks about from time to time. Thanks for posting that link. I think Groucho’s appearance on Firing Line wasn’t as good or as revealing as the Cavett interviews, but it’s really the only extended television appearance Groucho made between You Bet Your Life and the Cavetts, so it’s nice to see him a little younger and livelier. Amazingly, it was only four years between the Firing Line you linked to and the first Cavett interview, and Groucho looks and sounds about ten years older in the latter. Such is life.
John
John, you’ll always be the sweet curmudgeon to me.
Reva, since horses get up early I sometimes have you to talk with as I’m getting ready to hit the sack at oh-dark-thirty on the left coast, and I’ll always enjoy talking with you. You shoot straight and write engagingly and that’s rare enough in the world to be special. I’m afraid the only horse phrase I know is “Get ’em up Scout” which probably isn’t used much these days. Have fun at the Spring Festival.
love,
John
The spastic sleeper. Guy sits next to me and falls asleep before we taxi from the gate. All is going well until a few minutes after we’re airborne and he suddenly shudders violently, then falls silent a second later. Folks across the aisle are looking at him with the same confusion as me. This happened the whole flight. Several minutes of silence, lulling me into a sense of calm, followed by seconds of volcanic eruptions of muscular spasm. It was torturous. God bless his spouse, if he had one.
I fly a lot, far too often actually. I get to board first, so I get to my seat, put on my noise cancelling headphones (greatest invention ever) pull out a book and tune out the rest of the world. It also sends a message to anyone sitting beside me, I’m not interested in talking. Leave me the fuck alone! Seems to work.
The “Here’s Fatty”, pants splitting story had me in stitches. I’m not laughing at your misfortune, just love the way you tell a good story!
Flying back from England, we had some loudmouth lush sitting behind us, but she was directly behind me. As she kept slugging back the gin and tonics, her need to relive herself grew greater and with more frequency. Every time she got up she’d grab my headrest to hoist and steady herself before tottering down the aisle. And every time that yank got more violent and my whole body would slam back. Total misery.
The wife and I always book the aisle and middle seats – I take the aisle and she normally doesn’t mind the middle seat. A few years ago the window seat was occupied by some guitar-toting hipster who apparently didn’t feel it was necessary to bathe before flying. So, we basically used the aisle seat for both of us, with about 1/4 of my wife’s ass still situated in the middle seat, all the while trying not to breathe any more than absolutely necessary. Unless you’re flying first class…..flying sucks.
I flew from Charleston to Vegas via Chicago quite a few years ago. This lady, probably 65+, was on her first flight. Ever. We hit turbulence during the flight, an event she had never experienced before. She was yelling, “Oh my God, we hit a pothole!”. One of the funniest things I’ve ever witnessed. She had the whole plane in tears.
Two recent bad flying experiences:
1) on a small 2-2 plane (two seats on each side, no first class), I am seated next to a former Crimson Tide defensive end who is 6’4″ and weighs at least 400 lbs. He has the window and I have the aisle. I’m trying to be polite, but I have to position myself at 45 degrees, pitching my upper body into the aisle, just to be able to sit at all. No chance to move anywhere. Everytime the flight attendant walked past she hit my shoulder full force. And the drink cart got me several times (Wedding Singer, anyone?). I made conversation with the big guy and he was nice enough, but they should have made him buy two seats. He really did play for ‘Bama in the late 1990’s. I sent a complaint to AA and they dumped 15,000 miles into my mileage account, so I suppose one hour huddling with Andre the Giant was worth it in the end.
2) Very recently in business class on AA, a lady behind me is on her cell phone throughout boarding, talking loudly about her husband the alcoholic (“hides bottles of hard liquor under the sink” kind of alcoholic), and how she “just needed a break”, which she repeated about, oh, 40 frickin’ times. This was all presented at a volume more suited to a school playground than the business class section of a plane about to take off, and the whole section were rolling their eyes at the “drama”. She did finally shut up though.
Outsourcing
I always amaze myself on how much I can get done if I’m willing to pay other people to do it.
The worst is the kid who kicks the back of your seat from Philly to London.
The second worse is me if I am flying alone because I am chatty. Although I have met some really cool people on planes including a guy who worked for David Copperfield and a woman who brought along her dog who wore diapers.
Good story and nice comment, although I’m a little unclear as to who wore the diapers. Syntactically, I’m not ready to rule out David Copperfield, who I understand has a dickens of a time with rash.
jtb
Very droll 🙂 Drunk student me used to stagger past one of Charles’s old houses on my home from the pub.
Jesus, Limey, I would have rattled some chains and rung the doorbell, but you Brits always did have a sense of restraint and decorum. It also explains why I don’t drink any more.
John
Oh yeah.
That’s good fish.
I don’t buy sweets much but when Halloween comes around – Kitkats are confiscated from the bowl and put in the freezer for me. Coffee crisp next. The rest is too sweet fo me
American minstrelsy?
jtb
Not making the connection…..
Alright that’ll be enough of the whining over trivial matters that have easy solutions and over details of boring trips. I don’t surf here and click on ads for this shit. Work harder and fly first class. Wear headphones. Drive a road trip fucker and sip beer. Get the original funny back. You can be the best in the internet. Get some exercise and post more. It’s not they difficult. Let’s go!