I think all my references are officially out of date. It feels like 80% of them are Seinfeld-based, which went off the air in 1998. But even the ones that aren’t from that show are pretty old. I was ranting at work a few days ago, for instance, and said, “Who do they think I am, Kreskin?!” Everybody just looked at me. And yesterday I asked the younger boy if he wanted to go to Arby’s for lunch. He declined, claiming it’s not healthy. “Oh, I’m sorry, Jack Lalanne,” I replied. He had no idea who I was talking about, but could tell by all the hand-waving and my expression of deep disgust what I was getting at. And while he was rolling his eyes and preparing to walk away, I added, “They have the meats, goddammit.”
So, there you go. At least that last one was fairly current. But I fear I’m viewed as a creature from a different era most of the time. When I was in Atlanta I worked with a lot of people who were roughly ten years older than me, and their dated references (“Land shark!” “Lighten up, Francis” “Well, excuuuuuse me!”) annoyed the shit out of me. Today my freshest references are generally 20 years old: probably older than the ones they were using in Atlanta. It’s disturbing. How did this happen??
I finally got a new passport photo yesterday, at Sam’s Club. It cost $4.97. The post office charges $15.00, and the one I got from AAA was $7.50. But that thing made me look like a bloated corpse they fished out of the Kanawha River. Before we got started yesterday I informed the young lady with the camera that I would need to approve the final photograph, and she said no problem. The hard woman at AAA would not allow any do-overs, but this girl seemed much more agreeable.
The first shot was not good. I looked like I’d polished off a cheese-lovers pizza, and was now experiencing catastrophic brick wall constipation. But the second one was better, and I reluctantly gave her the go-ahead. The problem: you’re not allowed to smile, or even smirk. And the lighting is horrific. Everybody comes away looking like something out of Re-Animator. And I’m going to have to live with this crap for ten years? Toney was trying to convince me to just go with the river cadaver photo, but I wouldn’t do it. I mean, seriously.
Speaking of healthy eating, I was in McDonald’s a few days ago and ordered a Quarter Pounder with cheese, no pickles. The portly lass in the petroleum-based pullover entered the info into the database, and said, “So, are you allergic to pickles?”
What do you think about that? Was she making me justify my order? Or was she telling me there’s a very good chance I’m getting pickles anyway? Perhaps she was merely curious? I’m not sure, but it annoyed me a little. Ya know? Am I too tightly-wound, or would that irritate you, as well?
Also, are some people actually allergic to pickles? I’ve never heard of such a thing.
I don’t feel great, my friends. I don’t sleep very well. I go for about four good hours, then fade in and out for the remainder of the session. I’m never completely rested. Maybe I need more exercise? Yes, that would almost certainly help. Also, I could drop fifty pounds. That wouldn’t hurt, either. It sucks.
Have you ever had trouble sleeping? How did you fix it? I’m not climbing into scuba gear before bed, thank you very much. And the thought of going to one of those “sleep clinics” freaks me out, for some reason. Somebody watching (filming?) me sleep? That’s weird, man. Especially if there’s audio. It would probably turn into some kind of underground party tape or something.
Any problems with sleep? Please tell us about it. I used to walk around in my sleep when I was a kid, but that stopped back when Kreskin was still a reasonable reference. And I used to dream (I guess) that I was awake and completely paralyzed. It was terrifying. I’d lie there trying to move, my heart hammering in my chest. Thankfully that also hasn’t happened in many years. Not a fan.
I need to go now. I’m not completely satisfied with this update, but my brain isn’t functioning very well. I’m just going to have to go with it, and try again next time.
Have a great day, boys and girls.
I’ll be back on Thursday.
Now playing in the bunker
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#1 Woo Hoo
If someone at a fast food counter asked me that pickle allergy question, I’d probably answer with: “No, I’m only allergic to other people.”
Jeff, I had the same issues. I wasn’t sleeping very good at all. I never had any energy anymore and it was starting to affect my job. I went to the doctor thinking it could be low-T but the problem was that I had sleep apnea and it was keeping me from achieving deep sleep. Long story short, I didn’t want to do any of that stuff either but it was a life changer. I got energy and clarity back and it’s really not that hard to sleep with. You should do it!
I was coming here to say the same thing. My ex used to sweat, and toss and turn from his no sleeping. It was disgusting. After his sleep apnea was treated I stopped having to change sheets and bleach pillows every other day. Of course, he got rested and left…. but at least he was resting.
Ditto to the scuba gear being a life changer. Except it’s just a couple small “pillows” on my nostrils – nothing “20,000 leagues below the sea” level. And the wife! She gets double the sleep now, too! No more snoring! Sure, I could lose weight, but that might put doctors and blimp-inflator makers out of business. I’ll stay fat to keep the economy going.
In Soviet Russia, pickle is allergic to you!
LOL ohhh jeezus Jon Z., thanks for this one!
Fishing in the Kanawha River? What even is that?
My sleep pattern is that same as you. 4 hours, then in and out.
Joe, your references are really dated. “Dude, you’re playing the lottery again? You might as well be fishing in the Kanawha River.” By the way, that’s what she said.
jtb
WASSUP?
Honestly, I’ve never heard of the Kanawha River. I was just trying to sound cool because all of my references are way past their expiration dates. Now that I check up on it, the Kanawha river looks like a wholly owned subsidiary of the Ohio River that spends most of its time in West Virginia for tax purposes. I might be a little off on that. My research wasn’t deep.
John
First, is that Uncle Jay?
Second, http://learn.vinnietortorich.com/courses/intro-to-nsng , byebye 50 pounds.
I very reluctanly use scuba gear to sleep in .I hate it but I sleep like a corpse. I feel way better so I guess it’s worth it. I’m with you on pickles. Ive never worked in the food industry, but I think “No pickles” is secret code for ” Do whatever the fuck you want”.
I think it means “no Canadians”, but since I was unaware of the no Canadians shit in the first place, that’s just a guess.
jtb
I think even “That’s what she said” does not compute these days.
Have had sleep problems most of my adult life. Things got really bad maybe 15 years ago where I would sleep just an hour or two a night and then be wide awake. That really sucked and made everything impossible. Then one day it just ended. Really weird. Intermittent problems since then but no big deal.
For the last few months sleep has been really solid. I simply realized that I’ve survived everything just fine so far, so fuck’em. I don’t care what comes my way, it’ll be handled and handled well.
I sleep really well…for five hours.
Jeff, you bare your soul, or at least your manly ass a couple times a week, and this one was especially good. It’s funny that you sort of apologized for it at the end, because I think it’s the best writing you’ve put out for quite a while. Honestly, it would be better if it were the old-time length, but I might as well be fishing in the Kanawha River. Today there was spring in your step and a healthy “fuck you” attitude in your prose. I did have to look up “They have the meats”, but many of my cultural references are from Steve Allen and Jack Paar.
I usually read the update and am entertained, but today I smiled twice and laughed once. Writing doesn’t often make people laugh unless they’re simpletons or work in a really boring job. Oh.
And you have some of the great straight men in the business. Immediately after you said “I’m not climbing into scuba gear before bed”, about eight commenters extolled the virtues of scuba gear. I snore like a badly tuned Evinrude, and I’ll just be damned if I’ll put on breathing apparatus and a diving mask and swim fins before being rolled into bed every night. Getting blind drunk used to help, but when you start racking up marriages, you start racking up debt, so there was a net loss on that one.
In any case, thanks for a decade and a half of entertaining writing. Today’s was a little like listening to Patti Smith singing “Pissing in a River”: I lost myself in it for a while. Good writing and genius singing is transportive. Buy yourself a slow-food lunch to celebrate genius, or as close as we’re ever going to come to it. You might sleep better even though the fast food guys have the meats.
best wishes,
John
Hubster has been on a snore machine for years. Had a friend in Arkansas that ran sleep studies and he was one of the most funny and entertaining people I’ve ever known. He’d tell stories of the boozers with their 5th, the grandma coming in with grandpa and yelling at him the whole time. Suprise! He didnt need the machine. Then the time he was bored and got caught rolling pennies down the hall. If I’m not mistaken they have an in-home test now. Not as thorough but it will get you there. Fitbit tracks your sleep and puts it on a graph. It got Hubster to stop whining when he could see that he slept and his awake times were not as long as he felt.
Lately I’ve been stuck on “see ya’ on the flip side”. Hell, most of my friends have to think about that one.
Don’t a lot of horror movies start out with some shlub in a “sleep clinic”? I’m not a fan of horror movies so I don’t honestly know for sure, but it seems like it would fit the MO. Some guy goes to a sleep clinic and in the middle of it he wakes up and someone is trying to chop his junk off with a cheese slicer or something. Also I wouldn’t want to go either for fear of sudden uncontrolled bouts of nocturnal flatulence. I just picture all the clinicians sitting around their observation screens and monitors trying not to laugh while loud fart noise continuously emanate from the speaker. And then when I got up everyone would be giggling and I wouldn’t know why until someone says some not-very-clever entendre and then I would skulk away. Good thing I sleep just fine.
I haven’t slept deeply since my Navy days, late 60s-70s. I hit 3:30am, awake and then enter the weird dream shallow sleep phase. No sleep apnea, no alcoholic or prescription drug rebound…my PCP says it’s ’cause I ‘m getting old. Shit!. I thought I had that under control. I have pretty bad arthritis (knees, back, wrists) but his pharmaceutical remedy is “Nurse Jackie.” No thanks. Home brewed coffee is excellent at 4:30am
Nicely put. Two tings:
1) I’m getting old — I thought I had that under control . . . is terrific
2) I am vaguely aware that Nurse Jackie was a TV show, but am I the only one who doesn’t understand what a Nurse Jackie pharmaceutical remedy is?
tanks,
jtb
“Nurse Jackie” … A Showtime network series featuring an emergency room RN with a good heart and a gruff exterior who abuses prescription pain killers to cope.
IMO, meeting the vagaries of aging does not necessarily square with a “better living through chemistry” approach. Just saying…
I used to hear older folks say “nobody here but us chickens” and “it grew like topsy”. I guess I’m doing the same kind of thing now. I still have no idea what the relevance of chickens and topsy are. Time to research…
Well that was easy.
When I’m chatting with a younger coworker, and they seem to be typing away on their computer, they’re really googling my out-of-date references. One time I got into a long discussion about the origins of Muzak.
Can we a fast food Ad Vs. Reality review of the Arby’s vension sandwich that’s only on sale for one day on 10/21 please. The picture looks way too gamey for me, I don’t mind a little carved roasted deer, but that looks like a big old slab in a bun.
Thanks in advance.
Haven;t eaten at Arby’s in a very, very long time but I have my sights set on that Chicken Pepperoni Parm sandwich. Looks like it’s right up my alley.
BTW, where did my Adrienne Barbeau avatar go, dammit. I forget how to load it again.
Mark,
This is the place Jeff sent us to get our avatar on. I don’t remember the details, but if I figured it out, my guess is that it will be a snap for you. Good luck . . .
http://en.gravatar.com/
jtb
I might sleep well if I didn’t have to get up to pee every 1 1/2 – 2 hrs. One night, I dreamt I was peeing. I must’ve been in a deep sleep and ended up peeing the bed a little. This must be part of the “getting older” thing. I’m not handling it well.
I usually announce to my family if I slept well. I did a couple of weeks ago and, before that November ’16. Naps are golden.
Alice, I feel for you. I sleep with several cats, so they wake me every couple of hours in hopes of something like an 0300 feeding or 0530 catnip toy playtime. I tell them it’s out of the question, but I discovered after 60 years of cat ownership that the little bastards don’t speak English. While they have me up, I check to see whether I need to piss. It’s saved embarrassment on several occasions. I take Lasix because, during racing season, I run at the local thoroughbred track (I rarely win, but you can usually count on me to show). Because of that, I need to piss all the damn time. I carry wide-mouth plastic bottles in my car (yeah, trickier for the ladies) and I know every restroom in the county that I can use without buying something.
If I slept well, it would be like the movie Backdraft, with liquid shooting everywhere, trying uselessly to extinguish an unquenchable inferno. OK, not quite that bad.
John
I really need to start exercising again. It’s been almost 3 years since I’ve done anything with a regular routine to it. It really does improve your sleep. Lifting an 8 ounce wine glass isn’t cutting it. Plus, my skin is getting old looking. OK, I’ll admit I AM old but if I put a little effort I may stick around longer and look and feel better. Even though by reading the news headlines, one has to wonder why the hell we’d want to stick around.
But seriously, at least I’m now at the point I WANT to get back into a routine. That’s some progress…
If you want to do a thing, it becomes relatively easy. If you don’t want to, it’s nigh impossible. Regarding “why you would want to,” I’ll just say that part of my rationale for moving to Washington DC in the 1980s was to be right at Ground Zero. And as long as the Soviets could keep their fingers off the button, there were jobs to be had.
I’m mourning the loss to Napa. Not politics
Donny: I’m confused; isn’t ‘we have the meats’ a relatively current slogan?
Walter: Shut the fuck up, Donny.
There was a time when my whole extended family played cards on Saturday nights. When it was my turn to play a card, I would take a while to think (four suits, 52 cards, I’m counting high-low in three suits and all 13 in the most important suit). Apparently, when I’m cogitating, I look up at the ceiling and slightly right, because my sister-in-law would always say, “Come on, Kreskin, just play a card before you hurt your neck.”
Of course this was twenty years ago, and none of us was a spring chicken even then, but still . . .
The Amazing Kreskin (as his friends call him) is still alive and well and living in West Caldwell, New Jersey, so as far as I’m concerned, references to him are still current, and perhaps even hip. Kind of like me. Only current. And hip.
John
As my late Uncle Bill once said, “Bridge! That’s a thinkin’ man’s game.”
Said game involves the T-word. But as I have often said during the bidding phase, “I, too, shall pass.”
I believe I been caught red-handed calling it the most important suit; if I called it the damaged idiot suit, somebody would probably get their feelings hurt. The nice thing about suit games is that you get to name a new one every hand instead of every four years.
John
That was an odd reference about fishing the man out of the river… they just fished a guy who I was suing out of the Schuylkill river last week… with a gunshot wound to the head. This is the 2nd defendant to die on me his month!
Ain’t called the SureKill for nothing, at least in expressway form.
I’ve sued one person in 67 years, and that was in small claims court; I won, but hated every minute of it. If I had to count them by the month, I’d hate myself. If I had to count them living/dead by the month, I’d probably hate everybody else too. Good luck.
jtb
A few years ago at work I made some sort of obscure reference that no one got. Then I called myself the Dennis Miller of the department and no one knew who the hell Dennis Miller was. Oh, the irony.
I don’t sleep as well as I’d like, and I know both the risks of untreated sleep apnea and the benefits of CPAP but I am just to lazy and self conscious to get a sleep study done.
Rum and generic Benadryl if necessary.
Do you drink a lot of diet soda? Aspartame can become toxic for some people, causing sleep disruptions, weight gain, head fog, and digestion issues.
I had troubles for a few years, then my doctor suggested cutting out diet drinks, and a lot of stuff improved within weeks, especially my sleep.
Yes, most of my references are from movies that are over 30 years old or more. Here are some of the ones that usually get me a condescending “bless his li’l ol’ heart” look:
Being on “Double Secret Probation”–Animal House, 1978
“That’s the fact, Jack!”–Stripes, 1981
“Surely, you can’t be serious. I am serious…and don’t call me Shirley.”;
“What do you make of this, Johnny? I can make a hat, a brooch or a pterodactyl.”; and
“Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.”–all from Airplane, 1980
“You keep using that word. I do no think it means what you think it means.”–Princess Bride, 1987
“We don’t need no stinking badges.”–Treasure of the Sierra Madre, 1948; AND Blazing Saddles, 1974.
Holy crap! I reckon I’ve just punched my ticket to Geezer City!
Root you must be a long lost cousin. Every quote listed above is part of my family vernacular. I just saw Princess Bride on the big screen yesterday. It came out 30 years ago, I bought my ticket to Geezer City yesterday. Next month is Casablanca.
I have a pair of close friends that use “Right turn, Clyde” for every which way but loose.
After looking at your list, I too am a resident of Geezerville. At least its a fun town with humorous geezers!
Ok, here’s one that has helped in my house, CBD oil. Helps with anxiety and sleep. Hubbie uses it along with snore strips.
The most common thing pulled from the Little Kanawha is a finned tumor. Considered a delicacy in remote parts of Southeast Asia the finned tumor is an afront to Western sensibilities.
Three fingers of Buffalo Trace and a Norco and I sleep the sleep of angels.