Thanks for all the tips on how I should handle my hasty promise to cook the family dinner every Saturday night. I’m going to try a few of your recipes, I really am. The one with chicken breasts and a shitload of cilantro sounded especially good. Needless to say, I’ll document everything here. Please stay tuned. Hopefully there won’t be a fire that leaves nothing but a charred circle with a toilet in the middle.
A few years ago a Surf Reporter sent me this recipe for a “fartless” bean conglomeration, called the Beer Drinkers’ Bean Pot. I made it several times, and thought it was fantastic. There was only one problem: it was fartless. What’s the point of eating a load of beans, if there are no post-game fireworks? No, I’m only joking… Toney wasn’t a fan. It was too spicy, or something. I can’t remember. But she didn’t care for the bean pot. It was a shame, really.
And I think it might be the last non-microwave, non-gas grill thing I’ve cooked. It was a looong time ago. Oh yeah, this is going to be interesting. But I’m gonna master it. Mark my words. My Saturday dinners might start out a little rocky, but will eventually become a highlight of the week. That is my proclamation.
I’m prepared to hit the road tomorrow. It’s a 516 mile journey to my parents’ house, so I’ll have plenty of time to sit ‘n’ think. I have a couple of problems I want to solve while I drive, and it’ll be almost like meditation. It sounds crazy, I know, but I’m looking forward to the driving part, almost as much as the being there part.
Today I got an oil change, and a haircut. I also did all my laundry, and washed the car. In the morning I’ll throw everything into a bag, and point the hood toward the greater Dunbar area. Unless, of course, I wake up in the morning and call the whole thing off. It’s a distinct possibility. My brain chemicals don’t always mix in a favorable way, and tangents occur.
A few days ago a person I knew from Peaches Records in Greensboro contacted me via Facebook. We were chatting back and forth — it had been a long time — and she told me I said something all those years ago that she will always remember.
Bracing for something horrible and/or douchetastic, I read on… She said the two of us were working one day, and she asked what was my favorite part of a cupcake. And I reportedly answered “the paper.” Of course I have no recollection of this conversation, but she still remembers it 25 years later, or whatever.
It’s strange what people remember, isn’t it? I seize on little bits of ridiculousness like that, too. And sometimes forget the main part of the story. Have you ever had someone tell you about something you supposedly said a long time ago, that you don’t recall? Was it a good thing, bad, or something you simply don’t believe? Please tell us about it in the comments section below.
Something I MIGHT remember for a long time: A few days ago at work a guy was going on and on about some girl in a different department. He had the hots for her, and was talking about her nonstop. Finally, one of his co-workers said, “Forget it, man. She’s an 8, and you’re a soft 5.” I about shit. It’s possible that one will stick with me for a while.
Remember that pair of tighty-whities a teenage girl handed me at a minor league baseball game? Heh, that’s probably a confusing sentence, if you don’t know the context…
A few months ago we went to a Scranton/Wilkes-Barre Railriders game, and there was a booth inside the front gate, where cutesy girls were handing out sample pairs of 1970s-style men’s underwear. Weird. Almost every guy in the stadium was walking around with a pair of blindingly white briefs in their hands, which was surreal to say the least.
Well, mine have still never been used. I saw them today, in my drawer. I washed them, but have never worn them. I thought you’d like to know. I could be totally wrong about this, but believe that kind of underwear is now favored by:
boys under the age of 8
old retired men
I’m not sure how I would know such a thing, but believe I’m right on the money. I have a feeling they’d be comfortable, and might have some nostalgic appeal, but I’d be terrified I’d be in a car crash and paramedics would have to cut my jeans off. Ya know?
A couple of weeks ago I was talking with a woman, and she told me about a really bad nursing home where her elderly aunt used to live. The old lady had a prosthetic leg, and an open wound on her real leg. When a family member went to visit her, they learned the wound was now infected. The nursing home was supposed to clean it, and change the bandage a couple of times per day. The family, now pissed, investigated, and decided the nursing home had done nothing. Until they looked at the prosthetic… and saw the bandage there.
Can that possibly be true? I love it, but don’t believe it. I want it to be real, but come on. What are your feelings on this important matter? And what kind of bullshit stories have you heard recently? Anything? Fill us in on it. I’m a connoisseur of pure bullshit.
Finally, when I was in that management training class a few weeks ago, they were continuously putting everyone on the spot, and springing stuff on us. At one point we were told to stand up, walk out into the middle of the room, shake someone’s hand, and tell them your favorite movie of all time. “Don’t think about it!” the woman ordered. “Just blurt it out.”
When I heard “favorite movie,” one thing came to mind: Animal House. If I’d had time to think about it, I might’ve gone in a different, more high-brow, direction. But probably not.
And now it’s your turn. Don’t think about it, just blurt it out. What’s your favorite movie of all time? Not giving it any consideration, just channeling your soul or whatever, is the important part.
And I’m going to try to update this site every night, while I’m traveling. I’ll have my laptop and camera, and will be posting from my parents’ kitchen table. So, check back often. It might be an erratic mess, but I’m going to attempt to chronicle everything same-day.
See ya soon, my friends!
Now playing in the bunker
Use the Surf Report’s webhost: HostGator!
Ruthless Dee says
Harold & Maude. I hadn’t even thought of it in years but it blurted out.
Favorite movie? Braveheart.
I’d like to think that the nursing home story is false, but after 15 years in the medical field, I’ll have to give it a “possible.”
As for the tightly whiteys, even my four year old goes for something a little more stylish and comfortable.
The Big Lebowski, without a doubt.
I just handed my old boss a bottle of Sasperilla because we’re both huge Lebowski fans! He has quite the collection of memorabillia.
Ozzie Bucco says
“Training Day” without a doubt. Denzel Washington is so good in that one.
Lebowski is a close second. Fargo is up there.
You should take the tighty whities with you on your trip. No Tony around, your old room, they were touched by a young girl… Rub one out like old times in Dunbar.
David I. says
One time when we were working at Peaches you and the other managers got trapped in your weekly meeting for some ungodly amount of time. Like three hours or something. When you finally emerged you all looked a bit haggard and dazed. I said “Wow, you guys look like you just came back from a long road trip together.” And you said, “Yeah, but there was no Stuckey’s.” Not the funniest thing you ever said but it stayed with me for some strange reason.
Phil Jett says
So I Married an Ax Murderer. ‘Oh I hated the Colonel with his wee beady eyes and that smug look on his face, Ohh you’re gonna buy my chicken”
It’s not something I said, but I remember sitting around with some guys from high school at a 25th reunion party talking about our families and one guy I never really knew too well says, “Have you ever licked your wife’s asshole? Cause you know it really tastes just kind of bland.” Right out of left field. He got a bunch of odd looks but no one really acknowledged it and the conversation just moved on.
I’ve worked in several nursing homes over the last 35 years and the bandage situation doesn’t surprise me. One morning I was still in a room when a nurse came in and was squirting meds into the guy’s mouth and she said, “I sure like these liquid meds. I wonder why more of our people don’t have them.” Then, she flushed the guy’s g-tube. She didn’t seem to have a clue that she was supposed to be giving his meds via the tube, which was in place because he was a choker.
Favorite movie of all time: Weekend at Bernie’s
Zero Effect. Casablanca and The Thin Man are close second and third.
Ah, Zero Effect! I was just thinking that it’s about time to watch that one again.
Terrific actors, first-time director, great story, wonderful soundtrack, all coming together to form a near-perfect little film.
Check out the soundtrack…
Fat Dave says
Blazing Saddles. Hands down. And most of my friends agree, if you can argue them out of embracing some fancy-pants hipster trendy foreign indie crap.
Wag the Dog
Singin’ In The Rain. Could watch it daily for a year. It’s both entertaining (funny, quotable, singable) and GOOD (on all the top ten best-ever lists, etc).
Oh and Cyd Charisse, in the fantasy sequence toward the end? WHEW.
Jerry in WV says
Vision Quest. First thing that popped into my mind, but questionable as to where it fits into my top 20. Probably because that was my life in high school.
Nice! The guy who wrote that was one of my English professors in college. Great guy, great class. He’s in the last scene of the movie.
I believe the nursing home story. I have a lot of family memebers who worked in those places. Which brings me to a great line I heard a good 25 years ago which I never forgot. Some old lady patient in the nursing home my cousin worked at scoffing about another old lady “I wouldn’t piss on her if she was on fire!”
Jeff, I have a feeling you’re going to be a sauteeing, marinading, slicing & dicing marvel! Have a fun trip!
Billy Joel says
Billy Joel says
The first movie to pop into my head, because I watched it again last night. Rodney Dangerfield was frigging brilliant.
Billy Joel says
Now that I’ve had time to think about my favorite movie, it’s Bob Roberts
Billy Joel says
If you ever have the chance, watch the 1967 documentary Pennebaker did on Dylan’s 1965 UK tour (Don’t Look Back), followed by Bob Roberts. A great double-feature.
Phantom Railfan says
Fave movie: It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World. It shouldn’t be, but it is.
I have no memory of it, but my parents have told me that when I was around 3 years old I began chanting the word “scrotum” while I was with my dad in a supermarket. Apparently, he could do nothing to dissuade me from saying it. I wish I could remember this…
Matt in Florence says
Patty in Cleveland says
First movie that I thought of was Shawshank Redemption
Groundhog Day. Somewhat appropriate, since I have OCD.
The Accountant (2001 short film)
Followed very closely by Aliens.
Al K. Hall says
Just saw that again 2 weeks ago. Absolutely outstanding cast.
Bill in WV says
A ten to Billy to match his wang !!!
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
John Smith says
Back Door Babes 3
Bill in WV says
Fletch – the gags in that movie still crack me up today.
Caligula…No just kidding. Blazing Saddles.
The Sure Thing….John Cusak at his finest.
Two Lane Blacktop.
Rat Bastard says
Goddamnit! How about a double feature at the drive in?
The Road Warrior (Mad Max 2) / The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
“She wanted to hear the rocks rattle.” just came out of my mouth when a high school algebra teacher asked Jessica why, if she understood, she was shaking her head. Unfortunatly, Jessica sat directly behind me, thus having the tactical advantage.
“Well I got the shit kicked out of me in Wisconsin once.”
National Lampoon’s Vacation. Christmas Vacation is a close second.
WB in OH says
Bright Light Big Titties Vol.6, with Ass Blaster Intro bonus footage.
I’ve had the experience a few times where a friend talks about something funny I said years ago, where I had absolutely no recollection of it. Because of that, I still have no recollection of what I might have said.
I’ve been a boy under 8, and I don’t recall having any choice about underwear. We wore whatever Mom bought. I’m ignorant of the underwear preferences of the other categories, and would prefer to remain so.
The Big Lebowski.
Joe T. says
I saw Caligula at the West Side Theater in Scranton on it’s first run. The movie was horrible, but at the same time it was the greatest movie I ever saw!
My favorite quotable movie is absolutely “Full Metal Jacket.”
“These are great days we’re living, bros. We are jolly green giants, walking the Earth with guns. These people we wasted here today are the finest human beings we will ever know. After we rotate back to the world, we’re gonna miss not having anyone around that’s worth shooting.”
hot fuzz says
It’s a Wonderful Life. I’m sentimental so sue me.
In highschoool, my girlfriend’s sister (now my sister in law) was using the poles of magnetic backgammon pieces to move them around the table. She said, ” look, I’m moving them with my mind”. Almost 30 years later and I still remember what one of my buddies said “not moving very far is it?”
the usual suspects.
Elton up the creek says
The Ten Commandment, followed by The Rocky Horror Picture Show……Talk about being bi-polar!
I wear 1970’s style tightie whities, so kiss my ass.
Who is your cell phone carrier? I drive PA Turnpike to I-81 to I-70 to I-68 to I-79 constantly. AT&T works all the way. Sometimes I am on the phone for 5 solid hours (hands free, of course). Are you using a Track Phone or something?
Rick in the UK now says
Yes, of course. And Goodfellas.
John Webster says
MIght have gone with ‘Animal House’ too but since that’s already taken, it’s ‘The Day the Earth Stood Still’, original 1951? version with Michael Rennie (and Francis ‘Aunt Bee’ Bavier was in that!)
Memorable utterance? Not something I said but something that was said about me. Frat party, basement, 1976. A lovely young thing points at me, leans over to my buddy and asks , ‘Is he retarded?’ Memories….