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A Few Quick Things, vol. 322

October 22, 2013 By Jeff 57 Comments

Mr Bad GuyThanks for all the tips on how I should handle my hasty promise to cook the family dinner every Saturday night. I’m going to try a few of your recipes, I really am. The one with chicken breasts and a shitload of cilantro sounded especially good. Needless to say, I’ll document everything here. Please stay tuned. Hopefully there won’t be a fire that leaves nothing but a charred circle with a toilet in the middle.

A few years ago a Surf Reporter sent me this recipe for a “fartless” bean conglomeration, called the Beer Drinkers’ Bean Pot. I made it several times, and thought it was fantastic. There was only one problem: it was fartless. What’s the point of eating a load of beans, if there are no post-game fireworks? No, I’m only joking… Toney wasn’t a fan. It was too spicy, or something. I can’t remember. But she didn’t care for the bean pot. It was a shame, really.

And I think it might be the last non-microwave, non-gas grill thing I’ve cooked. It was a looong time ago. Oh yeah, this is going to be interesting. But I’m gonna master it. Mark my words. My Saturday dinners might start out a little rocky, but will eventually become a highlight of the week. That is my proclamation.

I’m prepared to hit the road tomorrow. It’s a 516 mile journey to my parents’ house, so I’ll have plenty of time to sit ‘n’ think. I have a couple of problems I want to solve while I drive, and it’ll be almost like meditation. It sounds crazy, I know, but I’m looking forward to the driving part, almost as much as the being there part.

Today I got an oil change, and a haircut. I also did all my laundry, and washed the car. In the morning I’ll throw everything into a bag, and point the hood toward the greater Dunbar area. Unless, of course, I wake up in the morning and call the whole thing off. It’s a distinct possibility. My brain chemicals don’t always mix in a favorable way, and tangents occur.

A few days ago a person I knew from Peaches Records in Greensboro contacted me via Facebook. We were chatting back and forth — it had been a long time — and she told me I said something all those years ago that she will always remember.

Bracing for something horrible and/or douchetastic, I read on… She said the two of us were working one day, and she asked what was my favorite part of a cupcake. And I reportedly answered “the paper.” Of course I have no recollection of this conversation, but she still remembers it 25 years later, or whatever.

It’s strange what people remember, isn’t it? I seize on little bits of ridiculousness like that, too. And sometimes forget the main part of the story. Have you ever had someone tell you about something you supposedly said a long time ago, that you don’t recall? Was it a good thing, bad, or something you simply don’t believe? Please tell us about it in the comments section below.

Something I MIGHT remember for a long time: A few days ago at work a guy was going on and on about some girl in a different department. He had the hots for her, and was talking about her nonstop. Finally, one of his co-workers said, “Forget it, man. She’s an 8, and you’re a soft 5.” I about shit. It’s possible that one will stick with me for a while.

Remember that pair of tighty-whities a teenage girl handed me at a minor league baseball game? Heh, that’s probably a confusing sentence, if you don’t know the context…

A few months ago we went to a Scranton/Wilkes-Barre Railriders game, and there was a booth inside the front gate, where cutesy girls were handing out sample pairs of 1970s-style men’s underwear. Weird. Almost every guy in the stadium was walking around with a pair of blindingly white briefs in their hands, which was surreal to say the least.

Well, mine have still never been used. I saw them today, in my drawer. I washed them, but have never worn them. I thought you’d like to know. I could be totally wrong about this, but believe that kind of underwear is now favored by:

boys under the age of 8
old retired men
long-haul truckers
homosexuals
Latins

I’m not sure how I would know such a thing, but believe I’m right on the money. I have a feeling they’d be comfortable, and might have some nostalgic appeal, but I’d be terrified I’d be in a car crash and paramedics would have to cut my jeans off. Ya know?

A couple of weeks ago I was talking with a woman, and she told me about a really bad nursing home where her elderly aunt used to live. The old lady had a prosthetic leg, and an open wound on her real leg. When a family member went to visit her, they learned the wound was now infected. The nursing home was supposed to clean it, and change the bandage a couple of times per day. The family, now pissed, investigated, and decided the nursing home had done nothing. Until they looked at the prosthetic… and saw the bandage there.

Can that possibly be true? I love it, but don’t believe it. I want it to be real, but come on. What are your feelings on this important matter? And what kind of bullshit stories have you heard recently? Anything? Fill us in on it. I’m a connoisseur of pure bullshit.

Finally, when I was in that management training class a few weeks ago, they were continuously putting everyone on the spot, and springing stuff on us. At one point we were told to stand up, walk out into the middle of the room, shake someone’s hand, and tell them your favorite movie of all time. “Don’t think about it!” the woman ordered. “Just blurt it out.”

When I heard “favorite movie,” one thing came to mind: Animal House. If I’d had time to think about it, I might’ve gone in a different, more high-brow, direction. But probably not.

And now it’s your turn. Don’t think about it, just blurt it out. What’s your favorite movie of all time? Not giving it any consideration, just channeling your soul or whatever, is the important part.

And I’m going to try to update this site every night, while I’m traveling. I’ll have my laptop and camera, and will be posting from my parents’ kitchen table. So, check back often. It might be an erratic mess, but I’m going to attempt to chronicle everything same-day.

See ya soon, my friends!

Now playing in the bunker
Use the Surf Report’s webhost: HostGator!

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Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Ruthless Dee says

    October 22, 2013 at 11:39 pm

    Harold & Maude. I hadn’t even thought of it in years but it blurted out.

    Reply
  2. Rick says

    October 22, 2013 at 11:44 pm

    Tombstone!

    Reply
  3. m says

    October 22, 2013 at 11:50 pm

    Favorite movie? Braveheart.

    I’d like to think that the nursing home story is false, but after 15 years in the medical field, I’ll have to give it a “possible.”

    As for the tightly whiteys, even my four year old goes for something a little more stylish and comfortable.

    Reply
  4. Ed says

    October 23, 2013 at 12:13 am

    The Big Lebowski, without a doubt.

    Reply
    • madz1962 says

      October 23, 2013 at 10:18 am

      I just handed my old boss a bottle of Sasperilla because we’re both huge Lebowski fans! He has quite the collection of memorabillia.

      Reply
  5. Ozzie Bucco says

    October 23, 2013 at 12:31 am

    “Training Day” without a doubt. Denzel Washington is so good in that one.

    Lebowski is a close second. Fargo is up there.

    Reply
  6. bikerchick says

    October 23, 2013 at 12:37 am

    The Godfather.

    Reply
  7. Uncle_Wedgie says

    October 23, 2013 at 12:38 am

    Pulp Fiction!

    You should take the tighty whities with you on your trip. No Tony around, your old room, they were touched by a young girl… Rub one out like old times in Dunbar.

    Drive safe

    Reply
  8. David I. says

    October 23, 2013 at 12:49 am

    One time when we were working at Peaches you and the other managers got trapped in your weekly meeting for some ungodly amount of time. Like three hours or something. When you finally emerged you all looked a bit haggard and dazed. I said “Wow, you guys look like you just came back from a long road trip together.” And you said, “Yeah, but there was no Stuckey’s.” Not the funniest thing you ever said but it stayed with me for some strange reason.

    Reply
  9. Phil Jett says

    October 23, 2013 at 6:14 am

    So I Married an Ax Murderer. ‘Oh I hated the Colonel with his wee beady eyes and that smug look on his face, Ohh you’re gonna buy my chicken”

    It’s not something I said, but I remember sitting around with some guys from high school at a 25th reunion party talking about our families and one guy I never really knew too well says, “Have you ever licked your wife’s asshole? Cause you know it really tastes just kind of bland.” Right out of left field. He got a bunch of odd looks but no one really acknowledged it and the conversation just moved on.

    Reply
  10. suz says

    October 23, 2013 at 6:18 am

    I’ve worked in several nursing homes over the last 35 years and the bandage situation doesn’t surprise me. One morning I was still in a room when a nurse came in and was squirting meds into the guy’s mouth and she said, “I sure like these liquid meds. I wonder why more of our people don’t have them.” Then, she flushed the guy’s g-tube. She didn’t seem to have a clue that she was supposed to be giving his meds via the tube, which was in place because he was a choker.

    Favorite movie of all time: Weekend at Bernie’s

    Reply
  11. johnthebasket says

    October 23, 2013 at 7:06 am

    Zero Effect. Casablanca and The Thin Man are close second and third.

    jtb

    Reply
    • Ed says

      October 23, 2013 at 6:04 pm

      Ah, Zero Effect! I was just thinking that it’s about time to watch that one again.

      Reply
      • johnthebasket says

        October 23, 2013 at 9:47 pm

        Terrific actors, first-time director, great story, wonderful soundtrack, all coming together to form a near-perfect little film.

        Check out the soundtrack…

        http://www.amazon.com/Zero-Effect-Music-Motion-Picture/dp/B000002C5K/ref=sr_1_1?s=music&ie=UTF8&qid=1382579060&sr=1-1&keywords=zero+effect

        jtb

        Reply
  12. Fat Dave says

    October 23, 2013 at 7:47 am

    Blazing Saddles. Hands down. And most of my friends agree, if you can argue them out of embracing some fancy-pants hipster trendy foreign indie crap.

    Reply
  13. jerdog says

    October 23, 2013 at 8:30 am

    Wag the Dog

    Reply
  14. junkfood says

    October 23, 2013 at 8:58 am

    Singin’ In The Rain. Could watch it daily for a year. It’s both entertaining (funny, quotable, singable) and GOOD (on all the top ten best-ever lists, etc).

    Oh and Cyd Charisse, in the fantasy sequence toward the end? WHEW.

    Reply
  15. Jerry in WV says

    October 23, 2013 at 9:33 am

    Vision Quest. First thing that popped into my mind, but questionable as to where it fits into my top 20. Probably because that was my life in high school.

    Reply
    • Amy says

      October 23, 2013 at 8:47 pm

      Nice! The guy who wrote that was one of my English professors in college. Great guy, great class. He’s in the last scene of the movie.

      Reply
  16. madz1962 says

    October 23, 2013 at 10:17 am

    Jaws

    I believe the nursing home story. I have a lot of family memebers who worked in those places. Which brings me to a great line I heard a good 25 years ago which I never forgot. Some old lady patient in the nursing home my cousin worked at scoffing about another old lady “I wouldn’t piss on her if she was on fire!”

    Jeff, I have a feeling you’re going to be a sauteeing, marinading, slicing & dicing marvel! Have a fun trip!

    Reply
  17. Billy Joel says

    October 23, 2013 at 10:19 am

    Caddyshack

    Reply
    • Billy Joel says

      October 23, 2013 at 2:02 pm

      The first movie to pop into my head, because I watched it again last night. Rodney Dangerfield was frigging brilliant.

      Reply
    • Billy Joel says

      October 24, 2013 at 10:32 am

      Now that I’ve had time to think about my favorite movie, it’s Bob Roberts

      Reply
      • Billy Joel says

        October 24, 2013 at 10:34 am

        If you ever have the chance, watch the 1967 documentary Pennebaker did on Dylan’s 1965 UK tour (Don’t Look Back), followed by Bob Roberts. A great double-feature.

        Reply
  18. Phantom Railfan says

    October 23, 2013 at 11:03 am

    Fave movie: It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World. It shouldn’t be, but it is.

    I have no memory of it, but my parents have told me that when I was around 3 years old I began chanting the word “scrotum” while I was with my dad in a supermarket. Apparently, he could do nothing to dissuade me from saying it. I wish I could remember this…

    Reply
  19. Matt in Florence says

    October 23, 2013 at 11:25 am

    Clockwork Orange

    Reply
  20. Patty in Cleveland says

    October 23, 2013 at 11:37 am

    First movie that I thought of was Shawshank Redemption

    Reply
  21. Jimbo says

    October 23, 2013 at 11:58 am

    Groundhog Day. Somewhat appropriate, since I have OCD.

    Reply
  22. Max says

    October 23, 2013 at 12:42 pm

    Gladiator!

    Reply
  23. T-STORM says

    October 23, 2013 at 1:25 pm

    The Accountant (2001 short film)

    Followed very closely by Aliens.

    Reply
  24. Al K. Hall says

    October 23, 2013 at 1:50 pm

    Cuckoo’s Nest

    Reply
    • madz1962 says

      October 23, 2013 at 3:12 pm

      Just saw that again 2 weeks ago. Absolutely outstanding cast.

      Reply
    • Bill in WV says

      October 23, 2013 at 3:14 pm

      A ten to Billy to match his wang !!!

      Reply
  25. TR says

    October 23, 2013 at 2:18 pm

    Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

    Reply
  26. Chuck says

    October 23, 2013 at 2:23 pm

    Blade Runner

    Reply
  27. John Smith says

    October 23, 2013 at 2:24 pm

    Back Door Babes 3

    Reply
  28. Bill in WV says

    October 23, 2013 at 3:12 pm

    Fletch – the gags in that movie still crack me up today.

    Reply
  29. Larry says

    October 23, 2013 at 3:26 pm

    Caligula…No just kidding. Blazing Saddles.

    Reply
  30. Stuart says

    October 23, 2013 at 4:07 pm

    The Sure Thing….John Cusak at his finest.

    Reply
  31. Alex says

    October 23, 2013 at 4:16 pm

    Two Lane Blacktop.

    Reply
  32. Rat Bastard says

    October 23, 2013 at 5:03 pm

    Goddamnit! How about a double feature at the drive in?

    The Road Warrior (Mad Max 2) / The Texas Chainsaw Massacre

    Reply
  33. TxTy says

    October 23, 2013 at 6:25 pm

    “She wanted to hear the rocks rattle.” just came out of my mouth when a high school algebra teacher asked Jessica why, if she understood, she was shaking her head. Unfortunatly, Jessica sat directly behind me, thus having the tactical advantage.

    Stripes!!

    “Well I got the shit kicked out of me in Wisconsin once.”

    Reply
  34. Shawn says

    October 23, 2013 at 7:45 pm

    National Lampoon’s Vacation. Christmas Vacation is a close second.

    Reply
  35. Greg says

    October 23, 2013 at 8:34 pm

    Red October

    Reply
  36. WB in OH says

    October 23, 2013 at 8:40 pm

    Shawshank Redemption

    Reply
  37. icecycle66 says

    October 23, 2013 at 8:48 pm

    Bright Light Big Titties Vol.6, with Ass Blaster Intro bonus footage.

    Reply
  38. chill says

    October 23, 2013 at 9:54 pm

    I’ve had the experience a few times where a friend talks about something funny I said years ago, where I had absolutely no recollection of it. Because of that, I still have no recollection of what I might have said.

    I’ve been a boy under 8, and I don’t recall having any choice about underwear. We wore whatever Mom bought. I’m ignorant of the underwear preferences of the other categories, and would prefer to remain so.

    The Big Lebowski.
    .

    Reply
  39. Joe T. says

    October 24, 2013 at 6:45 pm

    I saw Caligula at the West Side Theater in Scranton on it’s first run. The movie was horrible, but at the same time it was the greatest movie I ever saw!

    Reply
  40. Johnny_99 says

    October 24, 2013 at 9:30 pm

    My favorite quotable movie is absolutely “Full Metal Jacket.”

    “These are great days we’re living, bros. We are jolly green giants, walking the Earth with guns. These people we wasted here today are the finest human beings we will ever know. After we rotate back to the world, we’re gonna miss not having anyone around that’s worth shooting.”

    Reply
  41. hot fuzz says

    October 25, 2013 at 11:51 am

    It’s a Wonderful Life. I’m sentimental so sue me.

    In highschoool, my girlfriend’s sister (now my sister in law) was using the poles of magnetic backgammon pieces to move them around the table. She said, ” look, I’m moving them with my mind”. Almost 30 years later and I still remember what one of my buddies said “not moving very far is it?”

    Reply
  42. dorothy says

    October 25, 2013 at 1:29 pm

    the usual suspects.

    Reply
  43. Elton up the creek says

    October 26, 2013 at 7:28 am

    The Ten Commandment, followed by The Rocky Horror Picture Show……Talk about being bi-polar!

    Reply
  44. hardoxdan says

    October 26, 2013 at 8:51 pm

    The Godfather.

    I wear 1970’s style tightie whities, so kiss my ass.

    Who is your cell phone carrier? I drive PA Turnpike to I-81 to I-70 to I-68 to I-79 constantly. AT&T works all the way. Sometimes I am on the phone for 5 solid hours (hands free, of course). Are you using a Track Phone or something?

    Reply
  45. Rick in the UK now says

    October 27, 2013 at 8:56 am

    Blade Runner

    Reply
  46. trey says

    October 27, 2013 at 3:42 pm

    The Departed

    Reply
    • chill says

      October 27, 2013 at 4:09 pm

      Yes, of course. And Goodfellas.
      .

      Reply
  47. John Webster says

    October 27, 2013 at 7:33 pm

    MIght have gone with ‘Animal House’ too but since that’s already taken, it’s ‘The Day the Earth Stood Still’, original 1951? version with Michael Rennie (and Francis ‘Aunt Bee’ Bavier was in that!)

    Memorable utterance? Not something I said but something that was said about me. Frat party, basement, 1976. A lovely young thing points at me, leans over to my buddy and asks , ‘Is he retarded?’ Memories….

    Reply

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