Hello, Surf Reporters! I hate to start this one out on an awkward note… but I’m gonna have to shake the tip jar for a few seconds here.
There’s a website-related bill due — specifically the mailing list service — and no available funds in the ol’ PayPal account. I would very much appreciate a small donation, if you can spare it. It’s not a huge bill, a little over $200, so…
20 donations of $10
10 donations of $20
40 donations of $5
67 donations of $3
…or a million other combinations, will do it. If you can send a few bucks my way, I’ll be much obliged. And, if not, I understand. Oh, I understand real good.
And for the record, whenever I have to do this it makes me sick to my stomach. It was better when I was a record weasel, pulling down the big Matchbox 20 money. But, those days are (temporarily!) over.
On a related note… I’m having fun with the site again, for some reason. I’m enjoying writing the updates, like the early days, and hopefully you’ve noticed an improvement in the quality. …Hello?
I still SUCK with email, though. And I’m sorry about that. Here’s what happens: I receive a message, and read it on my phone. Since it’s so hard to type out a longish reply with a keyboard the size of a Post-It note, I vow to answer from home, ASAP. Then a million other emails (mostly boolshit, not personal messages) pile on top of it, and it all gets swept away in the tsunami.
But I want to change all that, and am hereby declaring email bankruptcy (I think I might have stolen that phrase from another website, but can’t remember which one). All the messages I receive from… NOW! will be answered in a timely manner. But I’m not going to try to go back and deal with the older ones. Do we have a bargain?
I apologize, but will do better. I really do appreciate you guys coming here every day, and am feeling the urge to become fully engaged again. Thanks for sticking with me, even though I probably appear to be a bastard sometimes.
Also… the Smoking Fish pics. I have dozens and dozens of them in a folder on my desktop. I stopped posting them, for some unknown reason, but am going to lay in some Yuengling Lager real soon, and spend a few hours getting them caught up. I might do it Saturday night, in fact. Again, I apologize for being a piece of shit.
What are you feeling guilty about today? Anything? I gave you my (partial) list, now it’s your turn. Please use the comments link below.
And what’s your opinion of this idea? I’d like to hire someone to make a phone app that creates the illusion, to the person on the other end of the line, that you’re in a bad cell. It would cause your voice to cut in and out, at random intervals, then finally shut down completely.
Not bad, huh? It would allow people to end calls with annoying folks, without offending them. Please give me your thoughts, and don’t steal my idea! In fact, if you have the know-how to build something like this, let’s go into business together. Email me. I answer them now.
Also, what do you think about the fancy handmade toilet seat above? It’s offered for sale at an etsy page, and is apparently aimed at people who don’t like to flop down on nasty public crappers.
I have a few concerns…
For one, I think I’d feel a bit self-conscious walking into, say, the men’s room at Target, with a giant hand-carved shitting plank under my arm. Ya know?
Also, the hole seems kinda small; it looks like the thing would afford a mighty small path to victory. Theoretically, you’d just align the two holes, and let ‘er rip. But we all know it’s not always so simple. What happens after the bomb bay doors are flung open can be unpredictable. And this product doesn’t appear to be very forgiving, in the event of a sausage-fueled assplosion, or whatever.
And the decorative grooves give me a full-body shiver. I’m having visions of a horrible version of peanut butter and celery. Blecch!
If you have any thoughts on that shitting plank, please share them in the comments. And I’ll be back tomorrow with something a little more coherent.
See ya then!
Now playing in the bunker
Treat yourself to something cool at Amazon!
Can it be?
There’s a bit hanging around my Paypal account that won’t buy me anything I want. It’s coming your way.
And the plank is disgusting.
Plank doesn’t count for the drip/spray out of the front nozzle during the unloading of the bomb bay doors. Clearly made by a woman. In other news, check your paypal account and keep bringing the awesome.
Thanks for all the laughs…..donation on its way!
Donation on it’s way, worth it for the Macaroni and Beef page alone.
That is still my favorite after all these years! I’ve lost count how many people I have sent that on to!
I feel guilty about spending your money everyday without your explicit and specific consent.
As soon as I figure out the stupid Italian paypal site, I’ll shoot you over a couple of euros. Actually that gives me incentive to take care of it. I’ve been avoiding doing that for weeks. Stupid foreign shit.
Yeah, the plank…my work for when dudes need to sit, but for chicks, not so much.
I also feel guilty for not wanting my two fish sighting pictures to be bumped from the top of the lis to off the first page.
That phone app already exists. It’s called a smart phone. Those things suck at being phones.
Whenever I am on the receiving end of someone iwth a smart phone, it sounds like they are using a muffled bull horn from across the room to shout words at their phone for me to hear.
Joey Jo Jo says
The shitting plank (ROFL) was on regretsy yesterday, and my first thought was that the hole was awfully small. I have big ol’ Bubba ham hock thighs, and I don’t like the idea of having to hold my whole asshole open while trying to sit down over a nickel-sized receptacle.
Joey Jo Jo says
Hell, I hadn’t even thought of the bait and tackle! That’s gonna have to be in the open air! Funk dat!
Joe T. says
A horrible version of peanut butter and celery…beautiful.
The peanut butter & celery comment KILLED me. So good. Off to PayPal.
That terlet plank reminds me of when those Indian women (dots, not feathers) put that henna stuff on their hands in intricate patterns. Who, pray tell, would want to go around with a Bombay ass?
Worse yet, a splinter? The underside loos like it has a hinge. Imagine, in a drunken stupor, you put the thing wrong side up and your cheek gets caught in the hinge? Try explainign that in the ER!
Oh and definitely making a donation.
Bill in WV says
Wouldn’t an inprint of that carved design be stamped into your ass after each sitting? I don’t need no paisley pattern across my hams every time I take a crapper.
Taint no hinge.
Which reminds me of a story. My Aunt Ann (now age 88 and lives in York, PA) was an ER receptionist at York Hospital from early 1960’s to about 1990.
Anyone coming in to the ER had to fill out the standard forms including your illness or injury, or whatever.
Some guy walked in there and claimed he has a cue ball stuck in his ass. They sent him to X-Ray, and sure enough, he did. He explained that he slipped and fell in the shower and the cue ball accidentally went up his ass.
Evidently, the ER doctor got his hole all stretched out and could not get any type of forceps to actually grab hold of the ball to pull it out, so they called in a maintenance guy to drill a hole in the cue ball while it was still “up there” so they could thread the end of a screw in to the drilled hole and pull it out, which did work.
My aunt said that just about everybody that worked that shift had to stop in to take a look, and the entire hospital staff was too busy laughing to get any work done.
The Divine Miss E says
What I want to know here, is why he had a cue ball in his shower? That explanation is fishy.
I have one in my shower!
Phil Jett says
With the length of time I tend to have with some of my dumps, I would have a permanent mirrored tattoo of the design on my ass.
I have said to myself the last few weeks that it seems like the old days here. Great, great posts lately and today is a fine example.
Phil Jett says
Now that I think about the shitter guard, I don’t get it. You want to sit on that so your ass doesn’t touch the seat, then do what? Fold that fucker up and stick it in your purse or on the table in the food court?
what about splashing
i not want to have to carry around after the blowback stalactites from assplosions on the underside
Bill in WV says
stalactites – pure excellence!
Back in the early 90’s, a local bar had an “excuse booth”. It was a phone booth with speakers in it that would play background sounds… like office or factory or traffic. You make your call, spend your quarter, and lie away to the person on the other end of the phone.
Speaking of excuses, wouldn’t it be fun to explain to your spouse/doctor/homeless person the pattern on your ass if you used the carved toilet seat?
WB in OH says
I’m pretty sure it doesn’t come with the NSF seal of approval.
I can’t remember the last time I sent some internet dollars your way so it must be time. Speaking of which, if asking for financial support from your readers (see that sounds better) makes you uncomfortable, check this site, he knows how to ask for money… http://www.kenrockwell.com/
I think that shitter plank is code word for fancy ass glory hole cover.
How the hell you supposed to wipe with that shitter plank anyway? Or, if it is indeed a shitter plank, how the hell does the creater perform his/her shits with a hole that small and no room for some wiping motion.
I had my shitting plank made of 3mm lexan from ponoko.com. it broke once, i hot glued it together. I also installed some baffles on the turd side to muffle sounds. I had some EL strips mounted around it and they pulsate and grow brighter depending on the severity. I plan on getting a methane sensor to add a seperate effect. Whole thing is controlled by an Arduino.
I fucked your dad!
I think the carved pattern might be for traction. You don’t want to slip off that thing with a log half hanging out. You’d smear your corn flavored fudge pop across your poop plank and have to carry that crap around all day.
Re the phone app–we don’t need one in our family, thank you. Our daughter taught us how to make all the appropriate sounds and touch various keys on the cell keypad while talking to give the effect of a bad connection. Then, too, there’s always the dropped call ploy. Thanks anyway.
As for the plank–Thanks for pointing out that little flutey like groove in the front is a hole. I’d have never thought it on my own. And the other hole, the alleged “big one,” well–that gives a whole new meaning to the phrase “crap shoot.” No thankee. I got enough on my mind without worrying about target practice prep for acts of nature. And anybody that’s got stuff consistently of the size to fit thru that aperture had better be making the ol’ colonoscopy appointment. The only really attractive feature I can see to it–I mean functionally attractive, it is a pretty thing on its own merit–is that you might consider sprinkling some of that henna powder around on it so that when folks arise from the throne, they have this really nifty henna tattoo imprint. Kind of a souvenier of sorts. And–they are temporary.
The Kamper Krapper is only $34 on etsy?! Bargain! There is only one left!
I’ll put a clear coat on that baby an bring it to my Redneck brother in laws house. Put it right on top of the split wooden toilet seat thats been there for 12 years.
That thing is a loathsome shithole.
Jeff, I’m having a fancy-ass microbrew right now. The least I can do is buy you a pitcher of same. I’ve been enjoying the site for many years even though I don’t care for eggplant. Good stuff.
BTW, I was eating while trying to conjure a pithy comment on the seat of filth.
The mental images wre so disturbing, I nearly threw up. I’m sending you the money I would have spent on desert and coffee. You’re welcome.
How does the wooden ass stencil stay put? Is there rubber on other side of this death trap? What keeps you from skating across the room when you sit down on this “shithole”? That would be my luck….to go ass over tits trying to aim my bucket over that little hole. I’d have peanut butter everywhere.
I got nuttin’ on the shitter seat. I tried, but I’m completely dumbfounded by the preposterousness of the whole idea. I mean, you carry this thing around with the ass matter from all the seats you try to avoid stuck all over the bottom side of it? Or do you hose it down with Lysol every time you use it? But if you’ve got a can of Lysol in your pocket, why not just soak down the in-house seat and call it good? So many questions. Guess I did have something on the shitter seat, after all. And while I refue to use Paypal for a lot of reasons, I did manage to send part of the price a new toilet seat via the non-Paypal Paypal link. Just a small token of my appreciation for keeping me on an even keel by providing almost daily relief from the pressure of the other world.
Nostrils would love that crap. Pun intended. If he could poop on a fair trade, sustainable seat, his ejaculate would probably be seen from space. Not to mention the fact that Nancy might be encouraged to trim her pubic hairs just so she can view the “artisan qualities” of it while she changes her diva cup.
I rarely have the time to get out my shitting plank, get it positioned and check for alignment before the thunder begins.
and the shitting plank needs a cowl & drain along the front edge.
the end to jeffs worries would be to design a new shitting plank
with smoking fish grooves
and all improvements suggested by readers
the secrets can drop out of school and be his sweatshop workers
toney can be heat of marketing
nostrils in charge of quality control
nancy making sure no endangered species were harmed
translucents demonstrating usage on the infomercials
we all would have to have at least 1
not proof read
toney can be head of marketing