I have a so-called manifesto that I typed-out a few months ago. It’s saved on my computer, and I check it every once in a while. It’s designed to keep me on the straight and narrow, as it pertains to these updates. Basically, it’s a DO NOT DO THIS list.
The very first item is “do not whine.” I’ve been guilty of it in the past, and hated myself afterward. Righteous anger is one thing, and whining is quite another. And I want you guys to know… I’m sticking to it. Even though I’m in whiny-ass mood today. You’re welcome.
This is the time of year in the Upper Perogie belt when you can see people wearing clothes designed for all four seasons. On Saturday I saw a girl wearing short-shorts and a sleeveless t-shirt, and five minutes later… a woman in a puffy ski jacket. It’s anarchy in the streets!
It looks like full-blown spring outside, but it’s actually still pretty damn cold. So, it’s an optical illusion of sorts, and folks are overreacting and misfiring in every direction. Dumbasses.
On Friday I mowed for the first time this season. It eats it from the ass-in. I hated mowing when I was 11, and I continue to hate it at 50. Anybody who says they “love” mowing is either a goddamn liar, or mentally ill. They go into the same category as people who claim to like opera. Am I wrong? What other activities belong in that particular folder?
In any case, the mower wouldn’t start, which is a yearly tradition around here. As is the daisy-chain of profanity it triggers. I yanked and yanked, and the bastard would NOT turn over. Grrr…
Frustrated, and foaming at the mouth, I decided it might not have been such a great idea to use the leftover gas from last summer. So, I poured out the tiny bit that was left in the can, and tipped the mower sideways and emptied the tank into the grass. Yeah, I know, it’s probably not the proper way of doing it. But, tough shit.
I went to Sheetz, bought $5 worth of fresh gas, and the mower fired-up on the first yank o’ the cord. A small victory… And there aren’t too many these days.
A guy at work came up to me a few days ago and said, “After all the crap that’s come between them, they’re still together.” Confused, I said, “Who?” And he answered, with obvious glee, “My butt cheeks!”
Then I saw him do it to about ten other people. Not a single one of them laughed, and most had a look of mild disgust on their face. Later, I asked him if he’d written that so-called joke himself; it felt home-grown to me. But he said he saw it on Facebook. And so it goes…
Have any “jokes” rampaged through your workplace recently? Please share.
And I need to hit the road now, but I’ll leave you with a Question I asked on Twitter this morning. What is the name of your nonexistent alt-rock band? I offered two: The Coinstar Drunks, and Lawn Truffles. The Fatty Livers was probably my favorite from the twitterverse. What would you call your band? Please tell us about it in the comments.
And I’ll see you guys again tomorrow.
Have a great day!
Now playing in the bunker
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Swami Bologna says
Yep, I’m the one.
WB in OH says
I like mowing.
JeffInDenver (InCleveland) says
I like mowing, but only because it’s 4 hours of uninterrupted alone time.
You want four more? You can mow ours.
I would take a stab at the alt band thing, but once I discovered a group called Double Dong and Wild Lixx, nothing feels worthy. Their tour-de-force is titled “Shaft engorged with blood”. The kids love to sing along. Regarding the ass-cheeks, there are two CRITICAL components to the telling:1) timing and 2) you are not permitted to smile, laugh, or any other ‘prompt’. Something tells me doogie howser violated both of these. At work, I frequently shout out from the bathroom for someone to prepare a birth certificate and pick a name. They always laugh. Not because its funny, because its not. They laugh because I’m the boss.
Fat Dave says
The Viral Component
RIDING mowing IS fun. Two hours of uninterrupted beer drinking.
As to the band name, “Pocket Full of Snot”. It came to fruition after a discussion about how disgusting cloth handkerchiefs are.
Let’s rearrange that a bit… call them the Snot Pockets. They’re made of the remnants of two other bands: the Hot Pockets and the Snot Rocket.
Why did Sally fall off the swing?
Because she has no arms.
Someone told me that yesterday. I couldn’t make that up.
Band: Sporting Woodrow.
I have a question- why are you mowing at all when there are two healthy young teenagers eating your food and running up your utility bills?
Or, lawn service. It’s not expensive and it’s a good feeling to know you’ve mowed for the last time in your life. Do something con$tructive with the time you save to mitigate the cost.
Traded in the lawn for artificial grass about 4 years ago, then gave away the mower, trimmer, edger, spreader, gas can, etc. Worth every penny. Once a year, I hit it with the leaf blower to get out the dead bugs or whatever, or spray a little dish soap on it if the boys made a mess. Done!
Swami Bologna says
Are you *Florence* Henderson? Of the Brady Bunch?
Average Jane says
I was in a real alt-rock band called The Lawn Darts back in the ’90s.
What kind of bees give milk?
Dude.riding mower with a cupholder. You won’t hate it anymore.
Mowing does suck, but I do like opera.
And I’m going to go right ahead and admit it.. I cannot STAND house cleaning. I’m missing that gene. Do I like a clean house? Of course! Do I want to drag a friggin Dyson up and down a flight of stairs? Yeah, as soon as I finish sticking my head in a wasp’s nest.
House cleaning is the equivalent of mowing.
Alt rock band? Dentally Challenged
I am in total agreement with you!! Yes, I love a clean house. But who doesn’t? Pugs don’t just shed…they shed tumbleweeds. You may find one blowing across the wood floor on occasion. I do “surface” cleaning. Since the kitchen has been remodeled, I have been very diligent in keeping it clean. In fact I’m quite proud of myself. My boyfriend doesn’t help. The coffee table is his dumping ground and I refuse to sift through all the shit he leaves there. I told him since he pays a buddy’s kids to do our yard work, I will have someone come in and clean twice a month…once the remodelimg is done. Deal!
greg T says
Go here and buy this and stop whining….
A battery is around 25 bucks and a muffler is probably 40. Your kids will be fighting to mow the lawn…
1) There’s no cup holder.
2) Somebody just bought this at a vehicle or equipment auction (see “12” on front) for half the asking price. In any case, this isn’t the first owner.
But it was nice of you to take the time to do the shopping for Jeff. Probably this would do fine for the non-steep parts of his estate.
WV Bumblebee says
Ranting and raving about cutting the grass for the first time this year and it’s almost May?
I do NOT feel one bit sorry for you!
I get a break and normally only have to cut it once a month in December and January, Oct, Nov, Feb and if I can stretch it March gets at least twice a month and the rest of the year every friggin week!
I love living in the south but I HATE cutting the grass 12 months out of the year!
I count it as gym time, lol!!
This will get the “dependents” wanting to “mow the lawn”
And, for whatever it’s worth, my favourite alt-rock band these days is The XX. I guess when a band gets as popular as these guys, they’re not exactly alt, but I knew them when…
The Outstanding Mexican Cartographers. Our first single, “Can’t Quit Jackin’ Off” was recently released on Dumb Bitch Records.
I’m only in OMC ’cause The Jessamin Scuzz broke up.
Band name: The Handsome Homeless
Rudimentary Peni. *
I too just did the first mow of the season this past weekend. Since the mower gas tends to sit for long periods of time, I always give it a hit of Sta-Bil. This is great stuff – it won’t rejuvenate bad gas, but it will prevent it from going bad. Also, treat yourself to a can of “starting fluid”. Between those two things, my 15-year-old mower starts on the first pull every time.
* I cheated. That was a real band. But the name is too good to waste.
The Larry Mondellos
The Mowers of Seville
Notes to Myself
Mint Green Slime
The Forbes Avenue Busboy Band
Santa and the Elves
Eichmann and the Jews
Some of these were real. Guess which ones.
The Dry Heaves
Oedipus and the Psycho Boys
Franky Tumor and the Flesh Eaters
I’ve heard of “Oedipus and the Mama’s Boys” before.
Lee Harvey Ramone says
The whole idea of a “band” is dead in the water at this time in history, so I don’t really see the point in making up some clever name for a “band” to share with you all. Most of the music you are currently hearing is concocted by one of several industry think tanks that have decided what they want you to listen to now. If not from them, then the music out now has been created by a robot named ‘Sam’ that listened to too much Grateful Dead back in the 1970s.
You need some of this for your mower:
I REALLY want a can or two of this stuff. Does anyone know whether this is available or importable?
You’d have to consult your MSDS (materials safety data sheets), then determine the content per volume of the extremely volatile ingredient…Wombat Piss. It is listed as a haz-mat explosive (class 1.1) and a flammable. However there should be no concern as to the level of the Wallaby seaman that is used as a mere stabilizer.
Himi and the Roids
Buie(Buick) and the Beamer- Courtesy of your friend Eugene cerca 1988.
Mary Kay and the Cosmetics- They got a cese and desist order and proudly framed it and hung it on the bar room wall.
I always loved the names Fuzzy Lipstick and Flip like Wilson.
I hate: putting folded clothes away and emptying the dishwasher. Ohh and chopping salad.
Root 66 says
Bands (either real or imagined):
-The Upper Perogies
-The Puddin’ Pops
-North Korean Missile Commandos
-Dead Schembechlers (they were real, until Bo died–it’s an Ohio State thing!)
The Chrome Buzzards
I had a friend who wanted to name his band “Pontius Pilate and the Nail-Driving Five”.
Now that you mention it, a buddy of mine had once a band called Jonathan Edwards and the Brimstone Five.
Bill in NC says
Band Name – Not in the Tacos
I hold in my hand a CD by Jonathan Yudkin & the Chainsmoking Altar Boys.
What do Amish women fantasize about?
i don’t know about my own band name, but i once did a recording session on a song called “come yodel in my canyon” by the Reach Around Rodeo Clowns.
can’t make this stuff up.
My favorite would be Buster Hymen and the Penetrators,,,,they usually tour with Little Dickie and the Foreskins