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A Few Quick Things, vol. 21

January 19, 2023 By Jeff 14 Comments

Hello, Surf Reporters! It’s been a long time and I apologize for that. I could make excuses, and some of them would even be semi-legitimate, but I’d rather just call it a hiatus and get back to work. What do you say? Can we start over?

Since we last spoke Toney lost her job and started a new one. There was an eight or nine week wait until unemployment benefits kicked in, which I consider to be ludicrous. What if she were a single mother, or something similar? How do they justify such a lengthy processing time? And these bloated members of the bloated bureaucracy want to be in charge of our health care too? I will say this much for them… when she started her new job they were Johnny-on-the-spot with ENDING the benefits. Oh, that was an amazing demonstration of efficiency. But there’s no way of knowing which version I’d get if I came down with front-to-back cancer, or whatever. I’m leaning toward the former, and not so much the latter.

Also, the younger boy completed his bachelor’s degree, which is something I never managed to do. It’s quite an accomplishment and we’re very proud of him. We’ll see what the next chapter brings. He’s a smart and driven young man. And, the older boy is now enrolled in a two-year electrician program. It’s shockingly (get it?) expensive, but if he can make it to the other side (and I think he will), he’ll be in great shape. It feels like things might finally be starting to come together on the youngling front. It hasn’t always been smooth sailing, my friends.

Toney and I are now in the mode of trying to find a place to retire in a few years. We’re definitely planning to leave the Upper Pierogi Belt and move southward. I mean, this isn’t the worst place in the world, but it’s nowhere near the best either. Plus, it’s snowy and icy in the winter and I’ve had quite enough of that shit. In April we’ll be visiting Greenville, SC. On paper it seems perfect; it’s relatively close to Asheville, Charlotte, Atlanta and Myrtle Beach, there’s a decent cost of living, mild weather, and an up-and-coming community. We’ll see what kind of vibes we get off of the place while we’re actually there. If it doesn’t do it for us, like Tampa didn’t, we’ll just move on to the next target. We have a few years.

And speaking of icy, I walked outside earlier in the week to take an over-stuffed sack o’ kitchen trash to the garage, and when I took my first outside breath it felt like my lungs were on fire. I think both my breathing bags flash-froze inside my well-insulated torso. Since we might be close enough to see (or at least sense) the finish line, it makes those kinds of moments even more difficult to handle. It feels like I’m working out the world’s longest two-week notice.

Now for some Random Notes from the Bunker…

Smelling Melville by J. Robert Metten

As many of you are already aware, our old pal Metten has published his first novel, titled Smelling Melville. It’s available in three different formats at Amazon: Kindle, paperback, and hardcover. I’m fairly jealous of the hardcover version; neither of my books ever achieved such a status. In any case, this is something you definitely need to check out. I read it, and it was truly enjoyable.

Here’s the review I posted: If you’re a fan of offbeat, smart and funny this is one for you. The writing is topnotch, the characters come alive, and the situations are delightfully bizarre. It does take a short while to get a grasp on the oddball world Metten has created, but once you lock in it’s a fantastic ride. This novel is genuinely funny, and literary too. I recommend Smelling Melville without reservation; it is a warped work of art.

Do not hesitate to purchase and read. This is Metten, bitches! He also has a cool new website, which you can check out here. Proceed without delay!

The $5 Scratch-Off Project

Thank God it’s over. I’m done. What the hell was I thinking?? For the past two years I’ve purchased scratch-off lottery tickets every Saturday and logged the results on a spreadsheet at the website. It led to nothing but heartache and shame. The first year I purchased one $10 ticket per week, and the results are here. The second year I purchased two $5 tickets per week, and the results are here. Those outcomes are very similar, and it’s why I’m done. They can pack that shit deep and on a slant. I mean, I knew intellectually (I use the term loosely) that it’s a sucker’s bet, the whole business model is built on it. But I figured I’d surely hit a couple of $100 winners, or maybe even a $500 and put me over the top. Sucker! Across the entire two-year exercise I purchased a total of 156 tickets and lost $483. They can take it on a radical slant.

The phony podcast photos

For reasons unknown I paid a gentleman in Sri Lanka to create a bunch of phony baloney signage photos featuring the podcast logo. I posted one on social media, and you can see it here. He did 35 of them, and some are better than others. I’ll probably keep posting ’em, until I’ve exhausted the decent ones. I mean, what else am I going to do with these things? Now that I don’t have the lottery to throw my money away on, I’m being forced to get creative. This is the podcast website, in case you’re interested.

No New Jeffs

For the past year or so I’ve been publishing a monthly “getting old” column at Substack. If you haven’t checked it out, please do. Here’s your link. Some folks charge money for these so-called newsletters, but mine is free and always will be. I’d just like for people to read it. I just turned 60, if you can believe it, and feeling it — emotionally, anyway. Give it a try, if you’re so inclined.

Further Evidence The End Is Near

Woman sues concert venue after getting so drunk she blew up a house and caused $15m in damages

Man gets back at noisy upstairs neighbors with “building shaker” he purchased online

Texas 7-Eleven store blasting opera music to drive away the homeless

Roomba reportedly posts photos online of owners sitting on the toilet

Woman pulled from storm drain for the third time in two years

Fan outrage at romance novelist who faked her death

Woman knits ‘poop blanket’ commemorating all her bowel movements in 2022

Celine Dion fans protest outside Rolling Stone offices following snub from greatest singers list

Police in Arizona warn against buying owls from strangers while on drugs

Thank you guys for reading this! I’ll be back soon, I promise.

Have a great day!

Support the Surf Report with a monthly $4 donation at Patreon, and get an extra podcast episode every week! We’re also at Venmo (@thewvsr) and PayPal (jeff@thewvsr.com). In Canada? Do your shopping at Amazon! Thank you, guys!

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Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. SC Shawn says

    January 19, 2023 at 1:09 pm

    Greenville SC will be awesome in April. But be sure to visit again around August, when it feels like you are on the surface of the sun while wearing a wet blanket. However, three months of that still beats six months of winter up north.

    Reply
  2. E-hova says

    January 19, 2023 at 5:25 pm

    Lived in Anderson, SC and frequented Greenville as much as I could on the weekends. It’s a good town with a nice vibe. Being close to the mountains and the beach is also a plus. There are plenty of good breweries to hop around.

    Reply
  3. MoFo says

    January 19, 2023 at 6:23 pm

    Almost First!!! Long time since I have commented, but this was needed.

    Thank you Jeffe for this! I know I needed it and checked every day. I thought the title of your last post was a hint. At retirement. For the site.

    MoFo out.

    Reply
  4. johnthebasket says

    January 20, 2023 at 5:03 am

    Welcome back Jeff. Congrats on the kids; sounds like you and Toney did a nice job as parents. Lots of school time and very little jail time: that’s the goal and you’re on track for a win.

    I was slightly confused about your last news item. Was it the police, the strangers or the owls who were on drugs? I have missed your updates and am very happy to see them return. I know all the surviving Reporters will share that view.

    My warmest regards,

    John

    Reply
  5. madz62 says

    January 20, 2023 at 12:03 pm

    Welcome back, Jeff! What a delightful surprise.

    I will be purchasing Metten’s book when I get home from work.

    I think we’re going to try to stay in Rhode Island if and when we ever retire, but now Beloved is thinking southern climes. We haven’t even visited SC (just drove through) so we have nothing to base any kind of move on.

    Glad you’re back, Jeff!

    Reply
    • chill says

      January 23, 2023 at 11:15 pm

      May I say: RI has a mild climate, and a great deal of beauty. And check out that accent. And the chowder.

      Reply
  6. I'm_Not_Bob says

    January 20, 2023 at 6:52 pm

    Welcome back Jeff. Like the late, great P.J. O’Rourke said, “If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it’s free.”

    Reply
  7. johnthebasket says

    January 21, 2023 at 3:04 am

    Why don’t we go easy on the politics this time? I think Jeff got tired of them and I know I did.

    John

    Reply
  8. chill says

    January 23, 2023 at 11:14 pm

    Welcome back, Jeff! It’s nice to see you. It seems like the boys might turn out OK, so so good on them and Toney and you.

    In my (thankfully) limited experience, unemployment is technically available, but they make it as difficult as possible. Because money.

    Thanks for posting, and I hope to see you here again soon.

    Reply
  9. Adam says

    January 26, 2023 at 11:46 am

    Glad you’re back! As far as your Further Evidence, I can confirm that a gas station I owned in Orlando had a gang/drug problem… we hired a consultant who insisted we install speakers outside and play country music 24/7. It worked… Greenville is a great area aside from the BJU folks.

    Reply
    • johnthebasket says

      January 30, 2023 at 4:07 pm

      The Bob Jones students are thugs? That doesn’t appear in any of the brochures.

      John

      Reply
  10. metten says

    January 29, 2023 at 1:10 am

    Welcome back! Thanks for the plug!

    Reply
  11. Dave says

    January 29, 2023 at 8:38 pm

    Glad to see you posting again! Bit bummed that Tampa Bay didn’t do it for you. Living in Tarpon Springs it really is a great area except snowbird then Springs break season. Use US 19 all the time, annoying road, but when I go back to Erie, its just as bad there I find!

    Have worked extensively in Denver CO, absolutely beautiful and not the snow you think it is!

    Reply
  12. johnthebasket says

    January 31, 2023 at 11:02 am

    Jeff,

    I was randomly webtraveling and I came across the site of the Mystery Hole in Ansted, West Virginia. Reading their site reveals little information about what the heck the mystery is. Have you run across this Mystery Hole in your travels in the panhandle state or whatever state West Virginia is? Now I want to pay my two bucks to find out, but I’m 3,000 miles from Graceland. Help. Thanks.

    John

    Reply

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