Yesterday I had to piss to like Man o’ War, and stopped at a Sheetz to find sweet relief. The place was pandemonium, and I walked in with two doucheketeers approximately 19 years of age. If John Hughes were still alive and making teen comedies, these guys could’ve easily been slotted into “rich prick” roles. They had that air about them: a kind of deep-seated arrogance that comes from a life of privilege. At least that’s how I sized them up during our 10 second encounter.
I navigated through a sea of people pouring themselves coffees and adding a little of this, and a little of that. Sip sip… add some more, stir… It’s convenience store coffee, assholes! Jesus. My bladder was stretched to its fullest capacity, and now that the end was near the anguish intensified for some reason.
And as the bathroom entrance came into view, I saw those two guys go in. Great! I’m not a fan of communal elimination of any kind, especially shoulder-to-shoulder with two snarky teenagers with high self-esteem. So, I went to the ATM to give them a little lead time. Finally, I entered the men’s room with not much time to spare.
Yeah, both those guys were in there shitting. There were two stalls, and they occupied both of them, and were apparently engaged in some kind of ass-blasting contest. They were putting their whole diaphragms behind it, making as much noise as possible, and laughing and laughing and laughing. I stood at a urinal peeing one of those kinds of pees that had been pent up for so long it kinda burned. And those two idiots were creating something that sounded like the first 25 minutes of Saving Private Ryan. With their anuses.
I just don’t understand any of it. I know women like to go to the bathroom together, but what I endured yesterday just doesn’t compute with me. Are dudes crapping together now? How did they synchronize it? Did they discuss it on the way over, and decide to turn into sport? Why so much sustained flatulence? Doesn’t it usually taper off a bit? What the hell’s going on with our society?? I’m near tears.
Speaking of sports, the woman who was cutting my hair yesterday asked who I was pulling for in “the big game” next weekend. Has the NFL successfully intimidated everyone, including hair stylists, into never using the phrase “Super Bowl,” for fear of being sued? It felt like an odd choice of words. In any case, I told her I don’t know anything about it. I’m not even sure who’s playing. Boston? Do they have a team? I have no idea. And that abruptly ended our conversation. She was clearly taken aback by my strangeness. I probably should do a better job of faking it, huh? Like I do with adulthood.
Just wondering… Have you EVER owned a coffee maker with a carafe that doesn’t leak when you’re pouring water into it? I’m a very old man, with an inordinate amount of coffee maker exposure, and they all leak. I try to pour very slowly, thinking that will help. But it only takes longer, with the exact same results: water all over the counter. It’s 2016. We all carry around computers in our pockets. Why no corresponding leap forward in carafe technology?? I’ve about had it.
We bought a new TV around Christmastime, that’s modern and connects to the internet, etc. Our previous living room TV was a throwback to the 1990s: a big-ass tube set. But this new one allows us to watch Netflix upstairs, and not just in the family room downstairs — which the boys dominate. Oh, it’s opened up a whole new set of bad habits. I’m now watching Too Much Television… Last night, for instance, Toney and I watched three episodes of House of Cards. We’re almost finished with Season 3, and will have to move on to something new. And then, after she went to bed, I watched ANOTHER three episodes of The Killing. I’ve become mildly fixated on that show, and rush home from work and watch one or two episodes every night. But last night was ridiculous. I’m disgusted with myself. I really am.
Question of the Day: What do you think should be taught in high school, that’s not? What real-life skills are people lacking these days? What are your thoughts on this? Use the comments link above or below.
And I’m late for work. Gotta go. I’ll see you again soon.
Have a great day!
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Spelling and grammar. Seems like young people could care less about either. I blame all the txt msging. Back in my day…
Please understand that I say this only because I really cannot stop myself:
Young people “couldn’t care less.”
(Did you do that on purpose to flush out the most pedantic Surf Reporters? If so, well done.)
Consider yourself flushed (in a good way) 🙂
I watched that last summer I think. It was pretty good. I guess it was on AMC originally. I have not watched AMC since they were showing old movies all day long.
They should definitely teach a class on how credit works, including interest rates and how to avoid paying 10 years and $400 for that $100 pair of shoes you just had to have.
They hand out credit cards on college campuses now, to a bunch of idiot 18 yr olds who have no idea what that thing can do to them if they don’t use it right.
Buy a new car…nope, bad credit
Buy your first house…nope, bad credit
Get a government job, or lately almost any job…nope, bad credit again
All because they had no idea not paying on time would ruin their future buying power for a minimum of 7 years.
Absolutely. And compounding interest.
This… just follow JC III’s twitter feed for a few days to realize how many people don’t understand how credit works.
I’m pretty sure you’d never find two women engaged in parallel pooping. It’s kind of a rule that even if you’re in the middle of something really great (pooping-wise) and someone comes into the bathroom, you STOP POOPING and wait for them to leave. At the very least do not make any poop or poop-related noises aside from flushing. Trying to outgun a neighbor? Unheard of (in my experience).
What should be taught in high school? How to budget, the fact that bills need to be paid every month, the art of letter writing, how to be a decent relationship partner, what is the actual center of the Universe (hint; it’s not you!), and why you always call first before appearing on anyone’s doorstep. For starters.
Where’s the “like” button? We need a “like button!
Yeah, because then we don’t have to type or speak English. How about, “Well said”, or “Nice comment”?
jtb
I was about to be a bitch right back at’cha, but decided against it. I think I’m growing as a person.
Like
I apologize MissQ. We disagree about a like button, but your comments are always thoughtful and you deserved better than my dismissive response. I was pissed off at Facebook and took it out on you. I’ll try to grow along with you.
with respect,
John
Proper sentence structure and overall wrting should be taught to those little badtards (mine included.). Unless the teachers have no clue how it’s done.
Looks like watching Netflix has replaced beer for you Jeff.
Bastards. Although badtards might be an interesting concept for an episode of South Park!
The Oatmeal has a pretty funny comic about what kids should be taught in high school.
“Sounds like you guys need to lay off the anal penetration for a while” Jeff didn’t say while standing at the urinal.
“Santorum boys?” said Jeff.
Hmmmm…. real life skills. How about pouring water into a coffee maker carafe. 😉 just kidding
I don’t even like to pee in one of those stone echo chamber public facilities. I think I’d just have stay in there waiting for a complete turnover of clientele or staff or whatever if even a tiny, whistle poot escaped. Shit on purpose? No freaking way.
Not only are we watching too much TV at my house, we have way too many streaming services now. Netflix, Amazon and Hulu. I hated navigating the apps on the Big Ass TV (trademarked by Jeff?) so much I got a FireStick to plug into my smart TV. Our evening is not complete until we watch an episode of Inspector Lewis.
A combination health-and-cooking class involving how to feed yourself in a healthful manner. Most young folks probably don’t become sufficiently educated in this important life-skill.
Forget the dissection stuff. Teach basic biology and evolutionary biology, including speciation and punctuated equilibrium. Include three or four philosophy of science essay collections, including at least two by Stephen Jay Gould. Plenty of students would understand the coursework, and even those who struggled would likely get some basic concepts. In the land of the blind, or the Republican primary, the one-eyed man is king.
John
If you like Gould, try Dawkins. His books are masterpieces of clarity and intelligence.
Ed,
I like both of them, and they disagree about some pretty basic things, including the details of punctuated equilibrium and the importance of gene selection. Maybe nobody writes as clearly as Dawkins, but Gould came close. Both have done much to popularize the process of evolution so literate non-biologists could discuss the issues intelligently. Both have/had senses of humor and perspective. Both know/knew how to write engaging prose. We could have used another 30 years of Gould; I hope Dawkins lives and writes for another 20 years. Thanks for bringing him up.
John
Well said!
A little critical thinking goes a long way. I’ve hired so many Millennials who think they’re the shit but couldn’t reason their way out of pavilion.
I don’t understand why you’re hiring dumb-ass people. The underemployment rate in the country is staggering. There are bright people available.
jtb
Manners. Especially how to eat without talking with a wad of semi mashed food in your gaping maw. Phone etiquette would be nice, too. Don’t talk to me like you’re just coming off a three day bender.
Phone and eating manners combined. Leave your damn phone alone when you’re dining. Don’t slap it on the table while you dine, that just shows you’re intending to use it during the meal. Do you slap your toothbrush on the table during a meal? No? Why not? Because you’re not planning on using it… because that would be rude.
We were eventually going to get to the stuff high schools SHOULDN’T teach, and here we are. There is a very limited time to instill intellectual curiosity and teach academic basics to a generation of entitled kids. Let them learn etiquette at home or on the streets, or wherever they learn about sex. High school is for Wiley Post or Lennart von Post, or even the Saturday Evening Post, but not Emily Post. If you can’t teach your kids to not bring their phones to the table, it’s likely a high school teacher won’t have better luck.
John
Sorry if that sounded grouchy. I’m just coming off a three day bender.
jtb
jtb, you have indeed been a grouchy bastard to several people in this thread. Perhaps you should keep your fingers off the keyboard when you have been on a bender. At least until you recover.
Aww my sweet curmudgeon, a couple aspirin and a nap should fix you right up.
OK, I’ve had a nap. Doing much better. I probably wouldn’t have disagreed with anyone had I learned etiquette in school instead of that pesky old science and philosophy. Now, which side of the plate do I put the fork on?
Which reminds me, a preposition is something you should never end a sentence with. Sorry you missed the bender callback.
jtb
This is the sort of pedantry up with which I will not put.
I should think not. Pedantry is still illegal in most of the upcoming southern primary states. Ask about the stars and bars, they’ll say, “Don’t sweat the small stuff.”
The missus and I have a Krups 12-Cup Programmable coffee maker that has only spilled water or coffee out of the carafe while pouring one time in about 7 months of almost daily use, and that was because I was in a hurry and tipped it too far. Prior to this beauty, though, I’ve never had any luck with that either.
All of the above. I’m grateful that my mom taught us boys at least the rudiments of cooking, so we’d be able to feed ourselves as adults. I believe that the thought of take-out never entered her head. Also, initiate the kids into the Cult of the Turn Signal.
Regarding coffee, my first thought was “who puts water in the carafe? That’s for the coffee.” I just got myself a fancy-pants an automatic drip machine for Christmas, after being without one for about 25 years. I fill it using a measuring cup, just because that’s a convenient cup of the right size that has a non-drippy spout.
Yep. My Mom (Mum) taught me basic cooking and baking, and I’ve gotten a lot better since. I was also taught some of this at school- do kids these days get taught that?
This sounds like a joke but it’s not – a college age family member called home asking how to boil an egg. She didn’t know. How do you get to 18 years old without learning something so basic? Oh right – when you bake a cake you pour a box of powdered crap into a bowl and mix it with some oil; to fix dinner you negotiate the chicane at the drive-thru 🙁
My 7 year daughter has already agreed to learn to drive in a stick shift, likes to shout out gear selections from the back seat (traffic permitting and if the engine won’t ka-blammo) 🙂
Limey, your daughter is an outstanding young person for wanting to drive a stick shift. It’s becoming a lost art, and I’m happy to see it passing to the younger generation. Even happier to see them showing an interest.
Ray and (the late) Tom Magliozzi had some thoughts on the subject of teaching someone how to drive a stick shift. It’s written up at http://www.cartalk.com/content/learn-drive-stick-3
Use a regular pitcher for the water. The angle will be correct and not spill.
In 8th grade my daughter knew more Spanish grammar than English grammar. When I asked her English teacher why he told me “We just want a kid to take a thought out of their brain and put it on paper. The grammar is the least of our worries” He said he was lucky to get 2 sentences out of most kids. On a good note, her required reading is more of the classics than I ever read in the ’70s.
I’ve bitched about the coffee pot dribbling from the beginning. We had a fancy pants Capresso machine that ground and brewed one cup at a time……we bitched because the water reservoir was too small. It wore out and we are back to Mr. Dribble.
Thanks Reefie and Revashanes. I value straight talk, and today I value yours. I have responded where appropriate. My last bender was in 1995, and I don’t do drugs although my state collects tax money if I do. Unfortunately, it’s just me in here.
Thanks again.
John
John, even thought I called you out, you are still my very favorite grouchy bastard. Takes a special person to make amends as you have done tonight. I adore your brain, too; we need more intelligent grouchy bastards in this world!
Respectfully,
Reefie
Please remove that last “t” from thought. The word I wanted was though…without the final “t”.
Bob Elliott 1923 – 2016 – Died Feb 2
But Bob and Ray go on forever. Even . . . though . . . one . . . is . . . a . . . slow . . . talker.
John
Edgar Mitchell 1930 – 2016 – Died Feb 4
“From out there on the moon, international politics look so petty. You want to grab a politician by the scruff of the neck and drag him a quarter of a million miles out and say, ‘Look at that, you son of a bitch.’”
– Edgar Mitchell