I think there’s a dead squirrel rotting in the wall of the bunker. It smells like decaying rodentia down here. I’m next door to the garage, where critters sometimes frolic. And, of course, what starts with laughter often ends with tears, and one of them kicks the bucket inside a wall for some reason. It happens every summer.
And, all I can do is wait for it to go full-skeleton. Oh sure, I could rip out several sections of drywall and begin searching for the corpse, but that ain’t gonna happen. No, I’ll just allow nature to take its course, and all the stinking meat to rot away.
It’s a life of luxury, I tell you. I’m living the goddamn Life of Riley here. Pass the beer nuts.
And speaking of beer, I haven’t had one in weeks. No particular reason, I just don’t want any… Do you think I might have a tumor? This is highly unusual behavior.
Nancy is re-thinking her decision to divorce Nostrildamus. It looks like they might try to work it out. She told Toney she’s not really all that pissed-off at him, for banging a 23 year old teaching assistant, she just doesn’t want her Women’s Studies colleagues to think she’s backing down to a man. Or something. I can’t really keep it straight, mostly because I don’t care. But it appears Nossy might not be out of the picture, after all. Please stay tuned for further developments.
Half-Shirt’s youngest son is apparently in a band, and they’ve been practicing outside, in their back yard. And yesterday they had the amps cranked up to full-Cheap Trick volume… I recorded this on my phone, sitting in a chair in our living room. The windows were practically rattling. But, I have to admit, it didn’t sound too bad. Everything – every song – had a reggae feel to it, including “The Weight” by The Band. Groovy, man.
Years ago, when that kid was about 12, I found his MySpace page and it was pretty interesting. There was a large rotating joint, the cursor was a pot leaf, and he listed his nickname as “Bongwater.” And now, six or seven years later, he’s got a reggae/jam band fixation. Who could’ve predicted such a thing??
I know a person (purposely vague) who has been trying, for about four years, to talk me into taking my family to an “all-exclusive” resort in Cancun. Yeah, she always said “all-exclusive,” which caused me to grind my teeth.
But a few days ago she started up again, and said “all-inclusive.” And it wasn’t a mistake, either. She used the correct term several times. I wonder if someone corrected her, or if she figured it out on her own? I’d love to know, but there’s no way to find out, without embarrassing her. Oh well.
It’s a funny thing, though. Now that she’s saying it the right way, I’m suddenly interested in going to Cancun. Previously I just listened to her, smiled and nodded, and extracted myself from the conversation, ASAP. But now that “all-exclusive” is no longer a part of the equation, I’m almost sold on the idea. I asked her to get me some brochures.
I got my car inspected a couple of days ago. My sticker was expired, and I was sweating bullets every time I drove through our little town. Those cops are predatory, and can spot last year’s color from a hundred yards. I just knew I’d get bent over the proverbial davenport, but somehow got away with it.
Years ago, in Atlanta, I was pulled over while driving to work. This was post-Sharon, pre-Toney, in a dark period of hard-drinking and fully-realized couldn’t-give-a-shit. My inspection sticker was expired, my plates were expired, my driver’s license was from North Carolina (expired), and I had no insurance.
For some reason, the cop was not amused. His face turned bright red, and he yelled, “I’m going to impound your car, and take you to the Jefferson Street jail!” I don’t know where Jefferson Street is, but there was an implication that it wasn’t exactly paradise.
I almost deposited a load into the seat of my tighty-whities, and my knees nearly buckled. But, for whatever reason, the guy let me go. He was infuriated one minute, and the next… he was telling me to get the hell out of there. He warned me, however, that he was going to pull me over again, the next time he saw me. And if I hadn’t got my shit together, I was going to jail.
Yeah, and suddenly I was nothing if not conscientious. Everything was current within 24 hours. I had to pay an enormous amount for insurance, I remember, because I hadn’t maintained continuous coverage. But I avoided Jefferson Street, and that was the important thing. Sheesh.
Andy’s going to the vet tomorrow, for his yearly check-up. It’s always an ordeal, and takes two of us to keep him under control. Usually they have to slap a muzzle on him, and he compresses his ass sac and blows fish oil all over the wall. I’m not looking forward to it. Hopefully he doesn’t flip out and go crashing through plate glass, or something. He’s the most neurotic animal I’ve ever known, by far. Please say a prayer for us.
And I’m calling it a day, my friends. I don’t really have a specific question, but feel free to comment on any of the nonsense above.
Can you outdo me in the irresponsibility department, based on my early-Atlanta story? I have some pretty good post-Kelly, pre-Sharon Greensboro irresponsibility tales I could tell, as well. Maybe next time? What do you have along those lines? The more pathetic and ridiculous the better.
Have a great weekend. I’ll be back on Monday.
See ya then!
Now playing in the bunker
Treat yourself at Amazon: US and Canada
Poor Andy–hope things turn out okay
I drove around with an expired driver license for about 2 or 3 years or so back when I was in my early 20s. It got to the point where it was like an adventure that I was beginning to enjoy a little bit too much. I would see a law enforcement officer while driving and would mentally dare him to pull me over. I suppose the state dept of motor vehicles didn’t do a very good job of cross-checking their databases back in the late 1980s, because they never flagged me as a person with auto insurance but no driver licence. Probably wouldn’t get away with that for more than a month these days I suppose.
I will say a prayer for Andy’s vet visit, but can you suggest the appropriate prayer such an event? The appropriate deity at least (?)
Is Andy a Coptic?
I’d say probably Scottish Reformation Presbyterian.
I hadn’t had a license for years when I moved to Alabama. I lost it in Texas due to DUIs. So all I had was an ID. I went to the DMV in Alabama and handed them my Texas ID. The lady barely glanced at it and asked me my new address and gave me a new Alabama license. No test, no nothing. Score!
I used to have a car with a shitty battery in it. Rather than replace the battery I figured out that it would often work if you jiggled the cables a bit. This car was constantly dying because of whatever reason. Once I was at a red light and it died. Then it wouldn’t crank. So I popped the hood and jiggled the wires and hopped back in and it started. By then the light was green and people were honking. So I took off and got onto the freeway, where my hood promptly flew into the windshield. I hadn’t closed it well in my haste. So I pulled the hood off and tossed it in the ditch and continued driving without a hood until the car finally shit the bed.
Why am I picturing the Blues Brother’s car? The Blues Mobile?
That band doesn’t sound terrible but like all garage bands the drums are too prevalent. Maybe others feel differently, but I think that when the drums are too loud it ruins the whole damn thing. That’s all you can hear, the fucking drums and constant clanging of the cymbals.
Cancun is marvelous. I’d go. Especially if it’s an all intrusive place!
I don’t know Nancy but I do know that I fucking hate her. She’s a twat.
Agree about the band. The latent talent is there, they just need a better producer. Sounds like the band I was associated with as a younger person.
I didn’t listen to half shirt jr’s band. I already know it sounds like complete shit, is way too fucking loud, and is totally fucking selfish sounding (?) since they play it too fucking loud in a fucking subdivision for fuck’s sake when all people want to fucking do IN THEIR OWN FUCKING HOME is unwind with a little mindless TV when they can’t fucking hear their own TV because next door thinks they are the next big fucking thing. Fucking delusional fucks. Keep the FUCKING WINDOWS AND DOORS CLOSED AND FUCKING SOUND PROOF YOUR BASEMENT!!!! Fuck, I bet half shirt’s Jr’s parents think he’s fucking hot shit…and “he stops before 9 at night” even though the by-laws say “no disturbance at any time”… just like a FUCKING LAW IS MEANT TO DO IT FUCKING PROTECTS EVERYONE’S RIGHTS… and no, you have no right to disturb my peace or anyone else’s….
…and for FUCK’S SAKE keep your two dogs inside when you practice for three hours so I don’t have to listen to them too… I’m sorry the new dog novelty has worn off but sorry Jr, they’re your responsibility to keep quiet.
Source: neighbour’s son plays drums. They introduced me last week as the best possible neighbour anyone could ever hope for.
Please excuse the spelling and grammar.
On “Deadwood” tonight, hot fuzz goes to a hoeown and isn’t very taken with the local musicians.
madz….why you gotta poke a jacked off bear?? Ain’t gonna be a “hoedown”, it’s gonna be a THROW down in Deadwood tonight! LMAO!
Well done hot fuzz. I counted 14 fucks and no cocksuckers. Woo asked for, “Two cocksucka”, from Swegen and most likely you too. But you would have dealed him down to, “One cocksucker Woo”.
Why isn’t that series still on? It was fucking great.
As far as Nancy goes, she probably figures “better the devil you know”. Also, assuming that she scared Nossy into kicking his little squeeze to the curb, she knows she’s got him by the balls now. Not that he ever had much in the old “balls department”.
When I moved to Missouri from Florida in 1990, I kinda forgot about getting my tags switched over. Didn’t have a Missouri inspection sticker, either. And my Florida license was – I think – Florida only. Either that or it had expired by the time I got back to Missouri. Cop (or rather the court) had a field-day with me. I think that little joke cost me a couple hundred anyway. That doesn’t seem like much but it was something “back in the day” and I wasn’t making jackshit for salary at that point either.
A grown man cruising for a 12 yr old boy’s MySpace page…… Kinda makes you ask… Hmmmmmmmm????
Oh yeah…. screw Cancun. Everyone is screaming about jobs leaving America these days, so why is anyone spending their greenbacks out of the country? Give those $$ to a ‘Merican, dammit!
Uhhh, I had a non-Sandusky reason for checking up on that hooligan. He and our oldest boy were starting to hang out a little. And: suspicion confirmed.
You just dodged getting sanctioned. We are however not going to allow you any bowl appearances for four years.
Jeff doesn’t do bowl appearances anyway, at least not outside his own home.
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He might take part in The Creamed Corn Bowl.
Motherfuckers.
OOh, I see what you did there
My weirdest thing getting pulled over was coming back to Ohio with my fiance who lived with me. She had the required Ohio licesness plates. but still had her old New York inspection sticker on the windshield. A State Trooper turned around, caught up to us and wanted to know what the deal was.
HA! When we moved to Ohio and I learned that there’s no inspection at the DMV, I had that New York shit off the windshield before my wife got the kids buckled in.
HOYA!
The next time we visited NY, I returned the plates at the local DMV. The lady at the desk got shitty and charged me a few bucks for a “return fee”. I went out to my car, found some change and a few wrinkled up bills, went to the bathroom and swabbed the toilet with them, then stuffed them in my asscrack to pull out at the desk.
I’m much more adult and responsible now.
So you swabbed the toilet and then stuffed them in your asscrack? Were you trying to get pregnant?
Why didn’t you just keep the plates then?
Alex.
It’s New York, they’ll fuck you even deeper for “lost plates” fees.
Why not just always carry ass pennies?
See this penny! IT’S BEEN IN YOUR ASS!
I might have you on this one.
When I was 11, I drove around town like I was big shit in cab-on-frame only dump truck we had in the backyard.
Like, no one would notice I’d just drive around town. Even stopped a Hardee’s drive-thru.
A cop saw me, pulled me over, and walked up to the window. I’m like, “whut?”
It was WV in the early 80’s, didn’t everyone do that?
got stopped at a license check a few years back in VA with an almost expired CT license. I’d been in NC almost 3 years by that time. Got the stinkeye from a cute cop, and the next week got my NC license. No sense looking fate in the eye twice on the same charge.
I am a rebel, Oh yes.
I used to take my aunt’s dog to the vet. About 125 pounds of shepherd-collie mix. I was about 120 myself, and she didn’t like the vet. I had to straddle that mutt and drag her, and she laid on her belly the whole time, and pissed her way across the room. When she finally had to go to that great backyard in the beyond, the vet came to the house and I had to help carry her out. She pissed on my feet the whole way out the door. I miss that dog.
Correct me if I’m wrong, but wasn’t the genesis of Nancy and Nostrils’ relationship Nostrils cheating on his first wife with Nancy? She can’t be surprised, and she kinda had it coming if you ask me. (and if that is actually the case. I may just be making stuff up.)
LOL – I didn’t know that.
My brother even though now divorced from wife number three is still going through hell. They got together by cheating on both of their previous spouses… her after being married for about a year. And it all ended in tears and betrayal? Surprised??
Many years ago I was driving on a revoked license (and got busted for it). It cost a lot of money, and I didn’t even get a good story out of it. I’ll spare you the tales of “impaired at work”.
A few months ago when the weather was nice and I had the windows open, somebody up the street was playing bagpipes (!). I got several minutes of it on my little portable recorder. Very cool.
Maybe Andy is a Mason – does anyone here know the secret handshake?
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See here’s where I’m a hypocrite… I went on a rant up above but if half shirt Jr was playing bagpipes once in a while I would have a different slant…
On that note – I think it’s time my neighbours heard me Maynard my way through lunch…. it’s been years.
As in Ferguson? Perhaps a little “I can’t Get Started”. Thanks.
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Absolutely…Birdland..some Maria and finish up with Conquistador – all some good lead parts.
I got pulled over in LA for speeding with expired registration, expired license and no insurance. Had to clear 4 parking tickets to get my registration, schlep to the DMV to renew my license and then buy insurance. When my court day came up, the judge asked me if I had each item and told me to hand them to the bailiff. Bailiff looked at my stuff and said “You’ve been busy”. Got traffic school for the speedier and dropped the rest. Other people got hammered for $1200-1500 for the same tickets!!
My beagles were Deists, the border collie an Atheist; none of the cats could give a fuck. I’d poll the raccoons and possums but it’s too damned hot.
My life is so-o-o boring. Pulled over once for speeding and another time for an expired inspection sticker – warnings both times.
Jeff –
For what its worth (perhaps the equivalent of my $0.02 that I’m throwing in), you should bag the whole Cancun idea and go to Cozumel instead. You’ll lose the most of the vomiting 20-somethings and in return get at least some very pretty and uspoiled country. The windward side of the island is really nice and when I was there (admittedly a while ago) almost totally undeveloped. Just stay out of town when the cruise ships doc and you’re golden.
Totall agree
Jeff – I don’t know what it is specifically, but I love when you let the juices flow. “And, of course, what starts with laughter often ends with tears”. What follows is metaphorically rich and a gift to the reader. Well done. I’m stealing your quote too.
Speeding… that’s about it. My luck is too shitty to not have insurance. I live the thug life. I can probably tell you every story of when I drank too much… it won’t take long; got 4 minutes?
Yeah what the hell with anal glands? Did we screw up when we domesticated dogs and forgot to breed that “gotcha” our of their DNA? It’s one of those smells I can smell now even though White Fang has been gone for 10 years. The ShiesseHunds don’t seem to be afflicted. But WOW… He may be picking up on your tension. I suggest you break your beer fast to ease up before his next appointment and maybe he’ll chill too. Hell, give HIM some beer. (I’m kidding, don’t give your dog beer).
We just got home from the vet, and Andy did great. Much better than in the past… Yeah, he was vibrating like a tuning fork the whole time, but he didn’t blow fish oil or growl at anyone. They said he’s in good shape, and he got his rabies shot. I consider it a bullet dodged.
good news!
Excellent news! I have a call in to the vet myself. My beagle boy has a few “issues” I need to discuss. Not looking forward to it; he’s 12.
Ah yes… The vet. When I used to take my female pug, Stella, she was the biggest pain in the puss. She was all of 20lbs but put on quite a show. Barking at everything, trying to go after other dogs, panting, snorting…always an event. The only time she got quiet was when the vet shoved her finger in the ol’bunghole. Stella had a very expressive face…she used to curl her dog lips under when the finger or thermometer was inserted. Funny as hell.
Nostril’s life is going to be hell. It will be 20 questions every time he comes/goes. Gotta earn that trust again brother.
How’s the Jamboree going?
Jamboree was last week and it was a fucking BLAST!!! I’ve been going for 5 years now. I think this one was the most fun even though the line-up wasn’t the greatest. “People watching” was the best event! Some wild-ass shit, drunkeness and dumbassery. You should go sometime. You don’t have to like country music to have a great time.
It also helped having our new camper with air, full bath and movies when it rained!
Thanks for the news on Andy I guess I’ll put away all this stuff I got ot to do a Gypsy hex. I had it all set up to provide for Andy’s saftey, health and wellbeing. As a bouns hex, I threw in when as soon as the doctor heard the word Andy, he’d proclaim him fully fit, and indeed a finest example…and then write you out a $1500 check for taking great care of him. Guess you didn’t need me. Well…maybe for the $1500 thing. Catch ya next year on that part.
In the irresponsible department: I “inherited” my dad’s 1977 Olsdmobile Coupe de Ferry. I thought I was hot shit cruising into a gas station, tape deck blasting, butt between my lips and asking the attendant to fill it and (as an afterthought) check the oil. I popped the hood and saw him monkeying around and he came to the window with a very pissed off face and barked “I would CHECK the oil if you HAD any oil!” I think he put in 4-1/2 quarts…
It took me over 2 hours to get home last night (total distance needed to go: 10 miles). I swear i think I drove through a tornado. There were so many trees and power lines down, I was ready to go back to the office and crash on a couch. I got home after 9:00 PM.
I left the house last evening to go to my boot camp class. It was thundering and blowing, but I left anyway. Hooollllly shit. I hit a wall of water. I have to drive a tree and telephone pole lined hilly road to get there. I honestly thought they would be digging me out from under the falling debris. I think I saw a flying monkey and Toto.
My fingers are in a permanent curavture from clutching the steering wheel. I mustered up prayers I haven’t uttered since making my Holy Communion in 1969!
I usually drive in a relaxed position…but that storm had me white knuckled the whole way. I heard shit hitting my truck…and dodging it in the road. That’s scary as hell.
You guys got what we had back in late June/early July. A big chunk of one of our maple trees ended up across my neighbors fence and onto his new Silverado. And, this is a neighbor that we don’t get along with very well, since they moved in and started gettin’ all territorial and demanding shit on us. He didn’t raise much stink and it’s a good thing, because I’d be commenting from the South Central Regional Jail library computer, if he had.
OK, the news people were calling this storm a “derecho” yeah – I had to look it up:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Derecho
We got one of these four weeks ago. I was lucky to have my power come back after only a 14-hour outage. Some of my friends were out for several days.
The news people have pronounced it duh-RAY-cho, duh-RAY-sho and DER-ick-oh (rhyming with Jericho). They don’t seem to know; I certainly don’t.
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Brokeback Mountain Cowboy’s Lament
As I walked out in the streets of Derecho,
As I walked out in Derecho one day,
I spied a young cowboy all dressed in white linen
The wind and his outfit just blew me away.
d?-ray-choh is the correct way. Used to get these in Omaha NE sometimes instead of a tornado, just to mix it up a bit. Always used to bring down all the squaw wood and usually the power too.
Grr, bloody software, that ? after the d should be a schwa.
A schwa is not part of the ASCII standard character set, therefore not guaranteed portable across computer platforms. Stupid history!
But thanks for clearing up the Derecho Conundrum. And it wouldn’t bother me if I never saw one again.
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Irresponsible? Who? Me? I was having way too much fun to consider any of my behavior irresponsible. Early ’80s I was going with a girl that was a dealer at the Golden Nugget. She worked swing shift and their tokes were divvied up at the end of the shift and cash was stuffed in a envelope and handed to her. Really good money. Weekends and hoildays were always over $300 a night, double the regular week. Free Fucking Money. How great is that!? After a year or so of that she decided she didn’t need her car any more and I agreed. She hadn’t made a payment on it in six months and saw no reason to start now. It would cut into our budget and besides…I had one and half cars so the bastards could just come and get it. We were tired of their threats anyway. Good riddance. It was’t long after, I started feeling the same way about my car, quit paying for it and we again increased our budget. Half a car car was good enough we thought. Well…the engine blew on the old ’66 VW squarback the guy we rented our house from sold it without letting us know it was coming…so now we’re off to find a centraly located motel. We didn’t have first and last for an apartment and now we were walkers. She’d cab it downtown to work…catch a ride to wherever I was playing and we’d walk home at 4 in the morning, catch a ride or cab it. All of that is true. I was about 25 or 26. Man those were great times.
i
Odd thing…I talked to a drummer friend today who called out of the blue who was right there back then doing the same kinda shit. Living a dream and a nightmare at the same time. Playing the best gigs with the best players. I left that girl I wrote about and got my shit together and never looked back. He left Vegas (I stayed) and became an Okiehoma State Policeman (now retired after 27 years). We both said how we were lucky to be able to walk away and not be carried away in a box.
“Inclusive” means some crazy bastard comes out of the sea and removes your noggin. That’s what was missing from “Exclusive.”
There’s a guy at work, we’ll call him “Walter Texas Ranger” who shit himself on Tuesday. He was very open about it. Kept claiming that he’d had “an accident”.
I’m selling all conclusive trips to Chinatown, motherfuckers.
I failed to get my license for the first 3 years I drove. I also had neglected to renew my permit after the initial 6 months. My parents still thought it was a good idea to get me a car after graduation and never said a word about me driving without a license.
For 5 years or so in my early 20’s I didn’t have car insurance. Only was pulled over twice when I didn’t insurance but I lied and said I had insurance and just didn’t have my card with me. Both times I just paid the fine and they never asked my proof of insurance. I got very lucky.