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A Few Quick Things, vol. 185

August 15, 2016 By Jeff 27 Comments

foilIt’s hotter than Satan’s urethra up here. Sweet sainted mother of the Hager twins! I hate this part of summer, when it metastasizes and takes deep root for weeks on end. Just a hazy, thick hellishness ‘round the clock… I’ve said it many times before, but this is how I rank the seasons:

1. Fall
2. Spring
3. Winter
4. Summer

I like the segue seasons much better than the ones that run wide-open. And the segue from hot to cold is especially sweet. I can’t wait to start hearing those quacking ducks (or whatever) that fly in Vs right before the hell season comes to an end. Shouldn’t be too much longer, right? …Right? Pass the beer nuts.

Speaking of that, I haven’t had a drop of alcohol in a month. One day I got up and told Toney I wasn’t going to drink anymore. Nothing happened to trigger it; it wasn’t like I bottomed out in some spectacular Gary Busey fashion, or anything. I just felt like I was done, for whatever reason. We’ll see how it goes. So far I haven’t even thought about it, not really.

Yesterday the younger boy and I went to see Animal House in a theater. They’re screening it a few times around the country, because kids are about to go back to college. It’s one of my all-time favorites, and I jumped at the chance to see it again on the big screen.

Unfortunately, there were only about ten people at the 2 o’clock showing. No respect for the cinematic greats! All I know is… I’ve probably seen it ten times by now, and still laugh my ass off. It’s not just a funny movie, it’s a good movie. It was written by true comedy geniuses (including this one), and nearly every scene is memorable. Love it!

The downsides of yesterday… It cost $12.50 to get in, which is a tad steep, I think. Also, there were two women there – either drunk or naturally obnoxious – wearing togas and talking non-stop. Why would you go to something like that, get all dressed up in a ludicrous outfit, and talk through the whole movie? I sincerely don’t understand the idiocy of human beings.

And speaking of the all-time greats, a former writer for The Onion has produced a full-length Seinfeld script, set during the days immediately following 9/11. It’s getting a lot of attention, and is pretty damn funny. I’ve read about half of it so far, and it’s good. You can check it out here. It’s not something that could’ve ever aired, of course. But the tone and feel of it are pretty close to perfect.

rsz_grocery_cartToney took this picture at Wegmans this weekend. She’s always ranting about inconsiderate douches and douchettes at the grocery store, and this is her latest example. A person walked away from their cart (“probably talking on a cell phone and/or carrying a Starbucks cup,” she said), blocking four aisles at once. A new world record? I’ll have to check with the sanctioning body, and get back to you guys.

Oh, and I wish it be noted… My mother was recently in the hospital for eight days, in a fairly serious situation, and not once did I go on Facebook and make it all about me. Thank you very much… She’s home now, doing well. They sucked her gall bladder out, cleared a bile duct blockage, and got a “raging” infection under control. It was scary, but she’s good. I just talked to her. She’s watching Family Feud.

A couple of months ago I bought The Fugitive, the complete series, on DVD. It was a great show, and I’m watching two episodes almost every day. Right now I’m on disc 13, out of 32 (I think). And I find myself doing some weird stuff… possibly fueled by concerns about aging.

Whenever I start a new episode, you see, I grab my Kindle Fire and pull up the IMDB page for it, and see how many of the actors are still alive. Almost all of them are dead, except when a kid appears. It’s mildly disturbing. The show started in 1963, and was on for four seasons. And they’re all fucking dead??

I also do this thing where I calculate the age of a person who is portrayed as elderly on the show, to see how old the actor was when it was filmed. It’s a disheartening exercise, my friends. There was some old lady in an episode I watched recently (set in WV, but clearly filmed in SoCal), they called “Gran.” She was a stereotypical little old lady, who was something like 48 when they filmed the episode. What the hell, man?

Do you do things like this? Or is it my own private neurosis?

Finally, what are some things you enjoy, but don’t like to advertise because society has decided it sucks? I’ll give you one: Domino’s. I sometimes order a large thin crust pizza from them, with bacon, onions, and green peppers. And I’m not kidding… that shit is fantastic. However, it’s been decreed from on-high that Domino’s is horrible. I think it used to be, but they made some changes a few years ago, and it’s pretty damn good now. Especially for the price.

Do you have anything on this? If so, please tell us tell us about it in the comments.

I have more, lots more, but need to go back to work. I’ll see you guys again soon.

Have a great day!

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Comments

  1. WV.Hillbilly says

    August 15, 2016 at 1:42 pm

    I just take those abandoned carts and push them around for a while.

    Reply
    • MikeFromLongIsland says

      August 15, 2016 at 4:46 pm

      I like to add random items to their carts.

      Reply
      • Doug says

        August 15, 2016 at 5:14 pm

        Especially embarrassing personal hygiene products…

        Reply
        • johnthebasket says

          August 15, 2016 at 5:55 pm

          Like a quart of Pennzoil 30-weight and a few sticks of fatwood.

          Reply
      • suz says

        August 16, 2016 at 2:31 am

        I’ll take items out of an abandoned cart if it will save me a trip to the other side of the store.

        Reply
  2. Theresa says

    August 15, 2016 at 1:45 pm

    I’ll watch an old show or a movie I remember seeing when I was a little kid and think how back than the people looked and seemed old and when I watch it now they look so young lol. Also, that is the deadest looking Wegman’s I have ever seen. The Wegman’s where I live is always packed. And I would have shoved that cart right outta the way. I can’t stand when people do that. Or they decided to hold a family reunion in the middle of isle 3. A few times I have seen groups of people standing right in the middle of the road in front of the supermarket just shooting the shit. Like get the f*ck out of the way!

    Reply
  3. Clueless says

    August 15, 2016 at 1:52 pm

    Yeah, I can see why she needed to buy more aluminum foil there.

    Reply
  4. Ognir says

    August 15, 2016 at 1:58 pm

    We’ve had August heat almost all summer here in Morgantown. As of this week
    30,000 assholes are now back in town. That should also raise the temperature.

    I would not eat that shitty pizza. But if you like it – then who gives a fook.

    Reply
  5. Walter says

    August 15, 2016 at 2:01 pm

    When I watch Law & Order reruns I’ll use IMBD to figure out some of the character actors.

    We finally got some rain this weekend and the temperature dropped to the mid 70’s. I am looking forward to the fall.

    Reply
    • T-storm says

      August 15, 2016 at 11:46 pm

      On any of the law and orders I’m like “Hey it’s the guy who now does the thing!”

      Reply
  6. Lee Harvey Ramone says

    August 15, 2016 at 2:11 pm

    Dominos Pizza, huh? You should really try the onion rings over at the Best Buy. Simply delicious!

    Reply
  7. Limey says

    August 15, 2016 at 4:25 pm

    That cart’s asking for a few random items to be dropped in it. Perhaps we should all start keeping a few tubes of hemorrhoid cream in our cart to drop in any abandoned carts we encounter 🙂

    I think the objection to Domino’s is not just that the pizza is shit, but that Mr. Domino is busy creating a cult compound in Florida, which is just what the world doesn’t need more of.

    Reply
  8. Ed says

    August 15, 2016 at 6:57 pm

    I like to rewatch old shows that I watched as a kid. It’s one of the only ways we have of going back in time. Sometimes it unlocks old memories about what was going on back then. Just reading about The Fugitive takes me back to my old bedroom and the little black and white set I saw it on. And I too have been noticing how young all the old people were!

    Reply
  9. Joey Jo Jo says

    August 15, 2016 at 7:37 pm

    Dude, 1963 was 53 years ago. Anyone who was only 27 while filming that first season is 80, if even still vertical.

    Reply
  10. sunshine_in_va says

    August 15, 2016 at 10:13 pm

    I’ve done that for a couple movies recently: Patton, In Harm’s Way, Mister Roberts; also some Star Trek episodes. Nearly everyone is dead, of course. The worst manifestation of this sort of habit is that I check the obits in the Cincinnati Enquirer every Monday. Today I saw a guy whose name I recognized: he was a year ahead of me in my high school. :/

    Reply
    • The Qweezy Mark says

      August 17, 2016 at 12:38 pm

      I like to do that with the old Star Treks and see if any of them hot beetches is still bangable.

      Reply
      • chill says

        August 18, 2016 at 8:28 am

        Teri Garr…

        Reply
      • sunshine_in_va says

        August 20, 2016 at 5:39 pm

        Yes. THIS. Last one I looked up, earlier this year, was Angelique Pettyjohn, who played the leggy “drill thrall” in “The Gamesters of Triskelion”.

        https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Angelique_Pettyjohn

        She did a couple episodes of “Get Smart”, too. Dead now for 24 years; only 48 years old.

        Reply
  11. chill says

    August 15, 2016 at 10:39 pm

    I’m with Toney on the Cart Question. To abandon one’s cart is to abandon responsibility for it, so I’ll be happy to toss a 20 lb. bag of potatoes on top of your eggs and squishy sandwich bread. And I’ll kick the cart aside if it’s blocking my way, even if you’re standing right there.

    Things I like that society doesn’t: I still smoke tobacco. It used to be legal for a business owner to set smoking policy for his establishment, but not no more, even in this ‘baccy-loving place called Virginia.

    Checking dates on movie actors is a little depressing, so I try not to do it. I would much rather see Lauren Bacall as she was then, than imagine her as she must be in the moth-eaten now.

    Reply
  12. T-storm says

    August 15, 2016 at 11:48 pm

    And I love Domino’s. I live in the one part of the world where one doesn’t deliver.

    Reply
  13. Wesrersteve says

    August 16, 2016 at 12:55 am

    I’m tired of people judging me by my pizza choice. Who made You Ming the Merciless of my pizza selection. Eat what you like and if it’s Deluxe chips from Lagrange Ave then so be it.

    Reply
  14. madz1962 says

    August 16, 2016 at 6:36 am

    Glad your mother is on the mend, Jeff.

    If you really want to feel like a morbid relic, just watch some of the old Saturday night live shows. VH1 sometimes runs marathons and it’s astonishing to see how many cast members have died, career- or otherwise.

    I think I’m over the 100 mark on how many times I’ve seen Animal House. But yeah, $12.50 does seem a bit on the high side.

    Reply
  15. RAR says

    August 17, 2016 at 1:30 pm

    Stuff I like to do to go against the grain? How about a firm handshake? For example, when have been invited to a ‘fern bar’ for an after work drink and someone comes at you for the bro-hug, whip out your paw and give them a real knuckle squeeze. Also, look them in the eye the whole time (it is likely that the return handshake will feel like a rubber glove full of room temperature mayonnaise). Follow this up with a loudly ordered Bud Lite and enjoy the hipster swoonage.

    Reply
  16. Suzanne says

    August 17, 2016 at 1:38 pm

    I watch old shows on Me tv and Antenna tv . I go to IMDB every day to look up the actors on the shows. And yes I look to see if they are still kicking or not. Morbid I guess. I just want to know what happened to them. The ones that make me sad are the kids that are dead. I think everyone I know think I’m weird because I do this. So I’m so glad to see you are doing this too.
    I’m a Dominoes lover too. Their thin pizza is the best in my opinion. Wafer thin and crisp as a cracker.
    My pet peeve in the grocery is people that are talking on their phones so loudly you can hear them in the next aisle! Like I want to hear it. So rude.

    Reply
  17. Root 66 says

    August 18, 2016 at 9:27 am

    I would put the seasons in that exact same order. Fall is by far the favorite but summer is simply terrible. I hate the humidity, bugs and sweat rolling all over my husky frame! Give me a crisp autumn day with a bright blue sky any old time…along with the “crack” of clashing football helmets!
    Buckeyes all the way, folks!!

    Ain’t no shame in Domino’s pizza…anybody remember “The Noid?”

    Oh, and from now on, abandoned carts will receive a random pack of adult diapers!

    Reply
  18. Franky T says

    August 20, 2016 at 11:22 am

    Cart in the way? Throw in tampons, ketchup, extra small condoms, lube etc.
    As far as pizza, I’ve been a Papa Johns convert for a while now. Tasty, but stay away from that strange garlic butter sauce nasty stuff.

    Reply
  19. Beer Richards says

    August 22, 2016 at 5:52 pm

    Animal House, filmed in the Eugene, OR area where I was born. My dad attended U of O during the time the movie was set (filmed in 1978 set in 1962), and lived in a frat house. He’s got some cool stories. I got him going one night until my mom called out from the kitchen, “What was that?” Never seen Animal House in a theater. Sure, fk it, I’d pay $12.50.

    I try to only go to the grocery store when no one is there, and I can use a self checkout. I wouldn’t even think much of that cart, looks like plenty of room to just wheel around it. Shit like that doesn’t bug me. I just assume the shopper had to sprint for the Imodium, pay fast, and hit the can. I mean there’s eggs in the cart for fuck’s sake. Another man’s cart is his business. I don’t want in that.

    The last time I was annoyed at a grocery store, I was standing behind a semi attractive woman in her 30s in the beer aisle. There wasn’t a big craft beer selection and she was blocking that entire area while on her phone. I said, “Excuse me” to reach for some Sweet Devil’s Ale. She ignored me and didn’t move. I was getting ready to make an accidental bump. At that point I deduced she was on the phone with her husband and I could hear him yelling at her about why she couldn’t find the Goose Island IPA(I beer I never liked but now completely detest), and he wasn’t on speaker. I imagined this asshole sitting in his ez chair in a wife beater, already through a 6r shoveling chips in his mouth. I took a few steps back. The woman finally noticed me with a sorry. I put my arms out and smiled with a, “No hurry no worries.” I took her home and…..no, I just grabbed my beer and went on my way crop dusting couldabeens.

    When I am forced to attend a grocery store at peak time, if an aisle is crowded with electric scooters and old ladies I’ll park my cart at the end of an aisle in front of a display(not blocking the aisle), allowing room for someone to grab an item from the display. This allows me to maneuver quickly on foot to my item, and return to my cart in around 15 seconds or less.

    Reply

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