I’m typing this at our dining room table on Saturday afternoon, but… as you’re reading it, I’m very likely in West Virginia. Probably sitting in my parents’ living room, watching something hosted by Steve Harvey. And he’ll be doing this. It’s some kind of WordPress-fueled hoodoo time-shift black magic. And who could blame you for being a little scared?
In any case… I took my car in for an oil change, to a place I stopped patronizing several years ago, because they try to rip me off. Or, so I’m convinced. And (are you ready for this?) the guy called, and said I need front brakes and rotors: $320. “I wouldn’t drive it like this, it’s dangerous,” he added, for maximum effect. I just had $750 worth of work done to that car, including extensive, expensive brake repair. I told him I wanted an oil change and tire rotation only, and he made the sounds of disapproval. And we moved on.
But, do you see what I mean? Now I’m going to have that idea in the back of my mind the whole time, even though there’s been absolutely no evidence of a problem with the brakes. I think he’s just trying to bend me over the proverbial fainting couch. And $320?! Can he smell the lack of knowledge and gullibility on me? Was I unknowingly “presenting” as I walked through the door?
My dad probably has an industrial lift in his garage. He’s into things like car repair and lawn maintenance, while I’m more partial to the Buzzcocks and Taco Bell. So, I’ll ask him to take a look. I’m getting irritated just thinking about it. During the entire drive I’m going to be certain the brakes are about to shit the sideboard, and we’ll go cartwheeling into the side of a Panera Bread. Bastards.
Just so you know, I almost typed “Helen Keller jokes” above, instead of “Taco Bell.” But my inner comedy sensors told me Taco Bell was slightly funnier. But I do have a good, quick story to tell about Helen Keller jokes.
One time we were on our way to a WEA convention, possibly in California somewhere. It feels like it was California. And a bunch of us were on an airport shuttle, headed toward our hotel. As far as I knew, everybody on that thing was from WEA. I didn’t realize there was also a handful of “civilians.”
And people started telling Helen Keller jokes, for reasons unknown. It was all the usual ones, like Q: How did Helen Keller’s parents punish her? A: They rearranged the furniture! But I waited for an opening, and dropped the greatest of them all: Q: Why does Helen Keller masturbate with her left hand? A: She moans with her right!
Laughter rocked the short-bus, and I leaned back in my chair. My work here was done. But, when we stopped at a hotel other than ours, just a few minutes later, an unknown woman stood up, turned to me, and said, “You’re disgusting.” Complete silence overtook the vehicle. But after she was gone, and the doors closed behind her, we all shared a hearty secondary laugh that lasted for an extended length of time. And I still don’t know what part of it offended her. Oh well. She can ram it up her ass.
Also, for the record, I heard that joke during high school. A girl named Janet Smith told it to me, and I thought it was just about the best thing ever. That was more than 35 years ago, and it still ranks up there in my mind. If I bump into her while I’m home, I’ll have to thank her. I’m sure she has no recollection of it, and might even say she’s never heard the joke itself. That happens to me, all the time. Steve will bring up something we talked about decades ago, which stuck with him, and I’ll have absolutely no memory of it. Some of the comments I reportedly made back then are pretty funny, though. I have to hand it to me.
I’ll leave you now with a quick question. I’m heading to the greater Dunbar, WV metropolitan area. And Dunbar is known for a few things, all fairly small.
For instance, it was the original home of Gravely Tractor. They used to have a big manufacturing plant there, and here’s some info about it. “Benjamin Franklin Gravely, of Dunbar, West Virginia…” How’s that for scintillating? And, by the way, they left Dunbar in 1968.
Also, Dunbar is the home of the Commode Bowl, which has been held on Thanksgiving Day there for 68 years. Railroad tracks split the town in half, and folks say they live on the river side or the hill side (of the tracks). And so, the teams that do battle every year are the Hillside Rams and the River Rats. There’s also a parade, and a dance. And there’s a considerable amount of alcohol involved… Here’s some footage from the 1963 parade, and game:
The question: What is an interesting fact about your hometown? If you’re from NYC, this probably isn’t such a great question. But if you’re from a small town, it might be interesting? We’ll see, won’t we? Use the comments link. If you’ve got nothing, feel free to tell us about car repair ripoffs, or the times you’ve said inappropriate things that were overheard by innocent bystanders.
And I’ll be back with you guys on Thursday.
Have a great week, boys and girls.
Now playing in the bunker
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Best car rip off ever. I was about 25 and took my car to the mechanic for some repairs. They told me they had to blow out the break lines which my uncle who was a stock car mechanic on the other line asked them to explain that process. They hung up and my uncle called them back–never privy to what that conversation was like. I hate anything to do with car problems and sadly my uncle has long since passed so I have no expert to rely on. I’m from Cleveland so I have nothing that is special about small town living.
Small West Tennessee town. Home of Carl Perkins (RIP), birthplace of Ed “Too Tall” Jones, Wink Martindale, Isaac Tigrett (founder of the Hard Rock Cafe and House of Blues – I currently live in his boyhood home), MD Anderson, Casey Jones, and current CNN personality Van Jones.
Well lets just jump to East Tennessee and let me one up you. My small town was the capitol of Tennessee for one day for the sole purpose of screwing the natives out of land. Ha! If thats not bad enough its the home to one of the Manson family. Everytime he comes up for parol the town goes nuts being afraid he’ll come home.
Did you take your car to Kost? They like to pull that shit.
Our town is known for being plotted out by aliens and holding the secrets of the universe. Seriously. http://olyphantborough.com/legend-of-olyphant/
In the Boston area, NBC TV just got up and left the local NBC affiliate. So now the local channel has only two things on all day: news, and Steve Harvey. His syndicated shows are on for around 10 hours per day. Plus he’s got some new shows on other networks, so I definitely hear ya on that.
There’s a number of interesting things about my hometown in Virginia. The last one I saw was a newspaper article describing the upcoming renovation of the Sheets gas station. I couldn’t read it though, because the hometown newspaper has a paywall for these sorts of latest, up to dàte, current events. I may have to subscribe to keep up during the remodel. You get 8 free articles a month, but I squander them all on the police reports.
I lost count of the number of times dealers tried to charge me for transmission fluid and tire rotations on a stick shift with staggered asymmetrical tires. Multiple dealers. Shows that BS is the standard.
Hakkapeliittas?
I like to inexplicably white-knuckle it in the snow, so no.
(That car hides all winter. I have driven it exactly once in snow and ruined some underwear)
Not my hometown; nothing interesting has ever happened there, but the small town in which I went to college is home of the world’s shortest St. Patrick’s Day parade. It starts at a bar and ends a half block later at, wait for it… a bar. You may be skeptical, but it’s an actual parade; complete with a Grand Marshal, Queen, floats. The highlights are the beer trucks (one is expected to bang on the side of the trucks as they pass) and the grand finale — a cement mixer full of green water that it drops all over the road (and feet). All the bars open just before the parade so that you can just the right amount of sloshed by the time it starts. My college friends and I were talking about making a pilgrimage to the site of our youthful debauchery next year. I think it’s about time. I can’t even remember the last time I was drunk at 9 AM.
I’m from San Francisco so there is a long list, but Emperor Norton is my favorite SF celebrity. If you don’t know him google him and enjoy his story. I’ve always wanted to have two dogs named Lazarus and Bummer because of him.
Hi Knucklehead. Lawrence Ferlinghetti? Jack London? Dashiell Hammett? Gary Snyder?
How’s Italy?
John
Oh wow! I thought he was a just a Christopher Moore character!
Huntsville, Alabama, most notably known as Rocket City. Home to NASA, Marshall Space Flight Center, US Space and Rocket Center, and where the engines that sent man to the moon were designed and tested.
A few other gems:
We have the highest per capita of engineers in the US
Home to Lowe Mill, and old textile mile transformed into the largest privately owned arts facility in the US
Now that Alabama has relaxed the beer laws, we are slowly becoming a craft beer brewery destination. Below the Radar, Blue Pants, Green Bus, Mad Malts, Old Black Bear, Rocket Republic, Salty Nut, Straight to Ale, Yellowhammer.
Home town to numerous celebrity type folks like John Stallworth, Tallulah Bankhead, Bo Bice, Jimmy Key, and of course, we cannot forget Antoine Dodson of “hide yo wife” fame. Lucky us.
Home of Ol’ Heidelberg, a German restaurant ensconced there no doubt as a byproduct of all those German rocket scientists that wound up in Huntsville.
Enid OK-
Enid holds the title of having the largest grain storage capacity in the United States and the third largest in the world.
I live on the outskirts of a small village. We used to have a village drunk, but he died a few years back so it’s been rather dull of late. Oh, and some Civil War stuff nearby too, because Virginia is like that.
Warren, RI has the distinction of being the smallest town, in the smallest county (Bristol), in the smallest state in the Union. Not truly small by rural standards (population is about 10,000), but the statement is true. Also was the longtime home to American Tourister.
Heath, OH (population 6,500 when I was growing up there in the 70’s/80’s) was once at the top of the list of fast food restaurants per capita. Now Zanesville, OH is tops in the state and Paducah, KY is the national leader.
Nothin’ to be proud of, Russ.
Car scams years ago, before this city really had more than a handfull of places that did alignments, had front end work done at a real shop, along with brake checkup, goto the burningStone (cough) for an alignment, and they come out to tell me I got a worn tie rod end, and my brakes need replacing… Uh yeah, right, sure, lets go look shall we? Not allowed in the shop (this is before insurance got all upity about it, but I got my steel toed boots on at all times and my glasses which come with a safety rating for my day job) (not allowed in the shop should be red flags for anybody, they be hiding shit). Well, then just do what I came here for. We can’t, the tie rod is wore out… I says yes you can, and since I’m paying the bill, you’ll do that or do nothing. (remember, limited places to go, none of which where better than the other).
Famous stuff,maybe some not so interesting;
-Banting discovered Insulin here.
-Original and still operating home of Labatt brewery.
-Arva Flour Mill, opened 1819 and been in continuous operation since, with vintage belted equipment.
-We spawned a daytime talk show host, and a Miss Universe and a bunch of tv personalities (victor garber is the only name that pops into mind without looking them up.
-Music wise, 63 Monroe, Tommy Hunter, Guy Lombardo
-Every cop car everybody knows and loves, the crown vic (and the grand marquis) was built here from 1987 to the end of its run in 2011.
Kitchener, Ontario. Home of the largest Oktoberfest in the world outside of Germany. For two weeks in October, it gets really loonie up here. While not for me any longer, you really haven’t lived a complete life until you have puked in K-W during the festivities. The W in K-W is for Waterloo (home of Research in Motion/Blackberry), so I guess that counts for something, no?
Hope, Arkansas. Hometown of such luminaries as Bill Clinton, Mike Huckabee, and me. Depending on the year, also home of the world’s largest watermelon, which usually weighs more than me or Bill, but maybe not Mike.
Haha
Mon dieu
Three years later
Kenju
Long Beach, California. Lot’s of things to report, but my long time favorite is about the actual dead man on display in the funhouse at the pike (everyone thought he was a prop and were unaware of his “actuality”). My dad used to work downtown in the 70s and 80s, and it was a real sketchy place filled with sailors on shore leave, flop houses and ladies of the night.
Here’s the Snopes report:
http://www.snopes.com/horrors/gruesome/mccurdy.asp
As a kid who loved “The Six Million Dollar Man” and “The Bionic Woman,” the fact that Elmer was discovered during filming is half of why the story is so great.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XggxeuFDaDU
Home is Plano, TX… I suppose there’s some notoriety. We had a suicide problem in the 80’s and a heroine problem in the 90’s with all the WASPy teen angst and shit. Aside from me, Plano gave us Lance Armstrong, Justin Blalock, Jimmy King (I had his old science textbook), John Hickey, Scott Mechlowicz, and Hunter Parrish from Weeds.
Now I live in Waco… it’s known for a lot of shit… good and bad. And yes… I’ve seen the Chip and Jo… they used to office in one of my buildings until a couple of years ago.
As for brakes, you’ll know when they need to be replaced… and it won’t be some crazy emergency situation. Those prices seem pretty cheap. My truck had to get all new pads and rotors and it was around $850, which I thought was a bargain since my car is more along the lines of $4,000… but I hardly drive enough between them to own them long enough for a brake job. 1 mile to the office every day I decide to go in.
I had a heroine problem for almost 50 years, but then I ran out of testosterone and the heroines were the docs and nurses trying to get my bones to stop breaking. Four years of osteo treatment and I’m free of the resulting -porosis, but still way low on testosterone, so I tank up twice a month. With regard to heroines, I’m still high on willing but iffy on able.
And I used to drink Mechlowicz’ wine on the high holy days, but even that pleasure has faded to Diet Pepsi.
Shalom,
jtb
Errol was first mentioned after the Battle of Luncarty in 990, but it dates back to the bronze age. Magic mushrooms grow in large numbers in the village park every autumn. Not picking, just letting you know.
My home town of Springfield MA is home to the Basketball Hall of Fame (well worth it), and is the birthplace of Dr. Seuss, Kurt Russell, and Chloe Sevigny, to name a few. Also home of the Springfield Rifle, used in the revolutionary war, I believe. Best view of Springfield these days is unfortunately in the rear mirror of your car.
Being from the resort town of Dunbar, those Kay brothers always seemed to be into shenanigans and up to no good there. I often remember their rendition of “Juniors Farm “and the “Nehi jingle”. Crazy times I am telling you.
Great Barrington, Mass., pop. 3500-ish. Not my home town per se, but I lived there for a couple of years during high school. Home of William Stanley, one of the 19th century pioneers of electricity. In the 1880s, Stanley built the world’s first power system that used AC distribution.
We lived in the old house that had once belonged to Stanley. His son (grandson?) studied to be an electrical engineer; when we moved in the attic was full of engineering textbooks from the 1930s and 1940s. I still have some of them.
Not so interesting is how the town has yuppified in recent decades. The old movie theater is now a “performing arts center,” auto parts stores have turned into sushi bars, etc.
Are you still looking for the “Janie died” drunk driving PSA?
http://www.oddballfilms.com/clip/13160_13276_highway_safety
(I tried to leave this comment in the relevant thread but couldn’t.)