I’m now having trouble with jars, my friends. Yes, this is what it’s come to.
A few weeks ago I asked Toney to buy sauerkraut during one of her Wegmans runs. You know… for grilled hotdogs. And I couldn’t get the lid off. I’m not kidding, that shit had a vacuum-seal on it that would be the envy of every Boeing engineer the world ‘round. My son, who is twenty and in tip-top shape, couldn’t get it off either. It was amazing. By the time I finally broke it loose, in the depths of a full, panting sweat, it felt like I might have to undergo Tommy John surgery on my shoulder (as soon as I finished off my delicious lunch).
And now it’s happened a second time… A few nights ago Toney asked me to open a jar of Harry & David peach salsa. I looked at her with an unspoken “is this going to turn me into a blubbering mangina again?” and she silently answered “there’s a very good possibility.”
Yeah, I think I broke several bones in my wrist and hand. Not any of the main bones, mind you, just a couple of the tiny back-up bones. It’s been days now, and I’m still in pain. But I was determined not to be defeated by a condiment, if you know what I mean. And I finally “won,” but could probably go for a week inside a rehabilitation center: crying and squeezing foam, etc.
What’s the story? Is there some new high-caliber jar sealer that’s become all the rage inside manufacturing plants? I mean these things are insane; the tension is clearly running a tad hot. You need some sort of gasoline-powered device to get the lids off now. Seriously. We’re going to have people getting frustrated, busting open jars with hammers, and trying to dip their chips around the glass shards. Sweet sainted mother of Biff Pocoroba!
On a more positive note… the peach salsa was fantastic.
I’m carrying a wallet now. Well, as soon as I leave for work today I’ll be carrying one — for the first time in my life. Call me crazy, if you’d like, but I’ve always taken a dim view of the things. Even the word “wallet” bothers me. It’s a stupid word, humiliating to say. Billfold is better, I guess. But only slightly.
I always carried my various cards and what little cash I had on-hand inside my front left pants pocket. It’s still my preferred way of doing things, but the cards keep getting destroyed. While walking, they rub up against each other, and the magnetic strips start to disappear. Then the guy at Subway has to swipe… frown… swipe… frown… and swipe again (this time from the bottom up). It only takes two months inside my upper-thigh pressure cooker to render a debit/credit card worthless.
So, I bought a wallet through Amazon, and got it all loaded up yesterday. We’ll see how it goes. I’m not sure I’ll be able to embrace wallet culture, but I’m going to give it a shot. I pray that this isn’t a slippery slope to other questionable behavior. Like cologne. Or sandals. …Shit! I just had a full-body shiver.
What words bug you, like “wallet” does me? I also don’t like “supper” or “commode.” There are probably a dozen more, but that’s all my brain is pulling up right now. Also, how do you carry your cards and money? Am I the weird one for just having everything loose in my pocket? Is that unusual? I don’t know.
And I have to go to work now. It’s painfully Monday.
I’ll be back on Thursday, if not before.
Have a great day, my friends.
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Sometimes you can pry up the lid a little bit – and then it will come off. I think I also had some sort of rubber thing once upon a time to grip jars lids.
JR in FallCity says
yup use a spoon to pry it up and release the vacuum
Jerry in WV says
I carry all my cards, ID and money in a money clip in my front left pocket. I have for years. Keeps the numbers from getting rubbed off and it holds everything I need.
I’ve always carried a wallet with a money clip on the front–it’s one of those things that is fundamental to my pocket scheme. Wallet, house keys and truck keys in front left pocket, with a pocket knife clipped to the outside edge of the pocket, front right pocket has my pistol and a spare magazine in a pocket holster and a mini pen light. Cell phone goes in my shirt pocket, hoodie pocket, or failing those two being in the scheme of things, in with the keys and wallet.
The word “moist” makes me uncomfortable, and I cringe every time I hear “swag” or “bae”–please, push me into traffic if I ever use either of those terms.
Joe T says
Why not buy a pair of pants with a huge front pocket. You could put the super vacuum sealed jars that they have nowadays (a word I don’t like) and your upper thighs could to the job of loosening it up through friction. Problem solved.
Lew in Bama says
I wear oven mitts when I can’t get a jar open, the kind with the rubber grip hands. Helps get a good grip so your hand doesn’t turn without the lid. I’ve heard holding the jar upside down and smacking it on the bottom can help pop the seal and make it easier to open, but that comes with a high risk of dropping.
The word panty (panties) drives me nuts, as well as moist. Ick…
The word pump when referring to ladies shoes is also annoying.
I carry a wallet, but I’m a girl and have a ton of stuff like cash, credit cards, discounts cards, and insurance cards to carry around, and it matches my purse.
you need the keyring app put all those discount cards in the app by taking a picture of em and the cashier just scans your phone its pretty neat. also im in the money clip or just stuff in pockets camp im always afraid i will lose my wallet and lose everything at once.
I guess the phrase “moist panties” would really make you crazy. The Good Lord knows it makes me crazy, but some of that goes away with age.
Ruthless Dee says
I also hate the word panties. I wear underwear. Lacy, crotchless, Fruit of the Loom, Victoria Secret,Hanes – doesn’t matter – they’re underwear, dammit!
I’m sorry, I couldn’t continue reading past “crotchless”…..
Steve in WV says
“Moist” bothers me. Shudder.
I carry a money clip with a card holder attached. There’s even a clear window for my drivers license. It’s quite thin and fits neatly in a front pocket.
The only words I dislike are those not found in Websters Unabridged, like suposably or exspecially. I make an exception for embiggen, which makes me laugh.
Also, there are hand held jar openers out there. The one I have has a handle and an angled metal jaw with teeth that grabs the lid. There’s also a silicone pad to out on the counter to keep the jar from spinning.
I don’t often need it but it’s handy to have. I think my wife uses it semi-frequently.
I carry a money clip with a card holder attached in my left front pocket, a goddamn cell phone and keys in my right front pocket. I used to carry a bifold wallet in my 20’s, but I got tired of feeling like I was sitting at an angle like George Costanza.
Sort of like a 15 year old version of this one – http://www.amazon.com/Dockers-Glazed-Rustler-Magnetic-Wallet/dp/B016KS4QM8/ref=sr_1_7?s=apparel&ie=UTF8&qid=1462819360&sr=1-7&nodeID=10445813011&keywords=money+clip
“Sweet sainted mother of Biff Pocoroba!” was worth the price of admission on today’s entry. I totally remember him with the Braves back in the day. Googled him…check out his full name. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Biff_Pocoroba
In the last few years (okay, decades) I had switched from the George Costanza wallet to a simple card wallet. It was thin enough to hold a few necessary cards and would fit easily in my front pocket (in an attempt to thwart pickpockets).
Recently I upgraded to a smart phone, trading in my ancient flip phone which shared my wallet pocket. The smart phone would catch my card wallet and I was afraid it would eventually end up laying in a parking lot unbeknown to me. So I had to make yet ANOTHER change.
My daughter located a wallet/phone case that fits my phone, protects it, and holds a few cards for less than $14 (with shipping). It doesn’t hold cash very well, due to the size and shape of the phone, but I rarely carry cash these days anyway. The jury is still out on how I like this new arrangement, but so far it seems tolerable. Except for when I have to remove my driver’s license from the little window pocket – that is my stubborn food jar.
Oh, smack the bottom of the jar onto heel of your hand a few times. Sometimes you can even hear a pop, and the lid will usually come off pretty easy after that. Or you’ve broken your wrist – either way something has been accomplished.
I carry too much baggage in every shade of the meaning of that. Before the surgeons started taking turns on me, I spent thirty-five years working in jobs in which, at a minimum, I was wearing a sports coat and slacks. So I would pack my sports coat or suit jacket like Harpo Marx, with smokes in an inside pocket, a wallet in another, reading glasses in the front pocket, lighter and anti-smoke mouth mints in a side pocket, mobile in a third inside pocket, cash in a pants pocket, change in another, and kleenex packet (allergies) in a side pocket, with pens attached variously. For twenty years I also carried a clip-on pager or smart pager.
When I abandoned the sports coat, I lost my suitcase but didn’t lose the need to carry the accoutrements of life. So I now carry a bag. It’s a four hundred dollar black Tumi ballistic nylon bag, but it’s a damn bag. Fuck you in advance.
I’ve always wondered why it’s called a sports coat. What sport would one play, while wearing such a coat?
Jeff, you don’t need my fuckin help here, but it’s nice to see you back to your sweet spot of stuff that makes an already nearly impossible life harder and more annoying. Just seems that for the past decade the closer to that spot you’ve stayed, the smoother the prose flows, and the farther away, the bumpier. H. L. Menken would have enjoyed today’s piece; I certainly did. Thanks.
I use one of those old fashioned can openers (the ones with the bottle opener on one end and the sharp bent triangle on the other). Put the tip of the triangle between the lid and the glass, then pull to release the vacuum.
My mom used to wedge the lid between the kitchen door and the jamb, then turn the jar – the 90 degree angle gave her more torque, she said. Success rate was about 50%, and I always wound up cleaning up the mess…
Ruthless Dee says
That tip with the pointed end of the opener is the perfect solution and makes easy opening for even the most stubborn jars.
Becky in Canada says
Yep you are right
Who knew that today, in lieu of dick jokes, there’d be helpful household hints?
I hate the words mucus and phlegm but I’m OK with snot.
Madz, how do you feel about the word puss? I fucking hate the word, never use it. Also, its underwear dammit but I did say undies when the daughter was a baby.
puss as in face? Like sour puss? Or pus as in that oozing shit from an infection? Either one is nasty!
Pussy, on the other hand, is perfectly acceptable.
Sorry about that, I went a little crazy on the ess’s. I just say things like ” that abscess spewed infection” Oh hell I need to stop right here. kack!
I dislike words like eclectic, proactive, and deep-dive (as related to work).
A couple of years ago I went on a search for a good, thin wallet. I found one called Allett, from Amazon, made in USA. It looks good, it’s thin, and it has stayed thin for about 2 years, which is impressive. I expected it to eventually bulk-up, with all the layers wearing and warping, but it hasn’t. Highly recommended.
Add me to the list of commenters who hate the word “panties.” I’m also not a fan of “bucket list” or “hoodie.”
As I mentioned previously, I gave myself a hiatal hernia while attempting to open a jar of organic sauerkraut about four years ago. Since then I’ve had terrible GERD problems, which is ironic as sauerkraut has long been used to remedy stomach ailments. Always buy the canned sauerkraut, folks!
Sauerkraut in the plastic bag FTW.
Always carried a tri-fold wallet just to avoid the semi-moist crotch money in the summer months. I continuously pare down what I carry so l don’t end up like JTB, carting around a whole junk drawer in a misnamed purse.
All manner of inane business-speak irks me. My salesmen say “drill down,” and my new boss speaks of “bandwidth” when he means “workload.” I want to smack him. Them. Which reminds me of a big peeve: use of the word “they” as if it were a gender-neutral singular pronoun. It isn’t.
For opening jars, I use a rubber disc similar to the late lamented Cap Snaffler. Works great.
My house keys, car keys and lighter go in the right front pocket; smart phone and smokes in the left. Years ago my wallet ballooned to Constanzian size, so I’ve been wearing cargo pants in order to have a pocket for the wallet but still not have to sit on the wallet. If not for that, arr, she be listin’ to port, aye. I’ve already jettisoned the Blockbuster card and many more, but it’s not enough.
I’ve tried the smokes in the pants pocket, but I always end up with cigarettes that look like they’re made to smoke around corners. It’s almost like there’s some huge object in my center crotchal region that’s exerting pressure on the contents of my front pockets. That’s one reason I carry a black macho ballistic nylon man-bag.
Uhh John maybe you shouldnt call it a man-bag. Hubster had some surgery and the urologist made him carry a man-bag for 2 days. Urologist called it that not me. Urologist are funny guys now that I think about it. My dads had all his medical tools in a red Craftsman chest. Now I’m laughing out loud “black macho ballistic nylon man-bag”
Jeff, if you are feeling crafty there is a perfect jar opener you can make. I’m sure you could find directions on making one on Instructables.com. A V-shaped block of wood with saw blades on one side. It mounts under the cabinet so its not visible but always there when you need it. I’ve carried mine from house to house, never forgotten because its part of the family.
Purse Workout says
I’m a chick so I carry a purse with the weight equivalent of three bricks. I’m hoping to be well into my nineties when my spine snaps in half.
The word “mules” for shoes makes me uncomfortable. Animals don’t wear sandals.
Also, “At the end of the day….” is fast approaching the top of my list of cringe-worthy phrases.
It’s not a man-bag, it’s called a murse. My husband has one.
Suppurating makes me wince. As do homophobia, racism, fundamentalism. Yeah.
Jars have always been a challenge, but even more so now that I’m a little old lady. Turning them upside down and forcefully hitting the lid on the floor seems to help. Running hot water over the lid works too.
Lew in Bama says
The word homophobia drives me crazy. Is anyone actually afraid of homosexuals? Are there roving bands of fashionably dressed gays out to get you?
I believe that those who are referenced as homophobic in general aren’t scared of the gay folks, but rather disagree with their gayness.
Yeah, and there are quite a few people who disagree with the President’s blackness. Now they have somebody to vote for.
Man-bag was what they were called in the 70s, maybe 80s too. “Murse” is another case of “making up a new name for something that already had a name.” See also “jorts.”
Didn’t know that – only heard it called a murse. But then, I am clueless.
On the wallet issue, I have gradually gone full Costanza. It’s a pain in the ass, and ridiculous given that most of the crap in it gets used about once every 6 months. Putting all the discount cards on an app sounds like a great idea and would thin it down 70% right there. You have all inspired me to go for a billfold with one credit card and one debit card.
I hate the term “life hacks”. The old newspaper column “Hints from Heloise” produced almost all of the ones you see on the internet. They were (are) common sense, not “hacks.”
Root 66 says
Jeff–perhaps the jar incidents are related to another wonderful facet of life…I hate to say it, but I turned 50 this year and it seems that people are walking a lot faster and mumbling a whole lot more! It just can’t be that I’m slowing down and going deef! 🙂 You might be experiencing similar issues–only with “hard-to-open” jars. Tapping the edge of the lid with a piece of silverware works well. Smashing it on the ground usually gets it open, too!
I can’t imagine going around without a wallet. My very first one (@ age 13) had a Velcro closure on it and was made from nylon (I think it was made by Levi’s.) I had Brut 33 cologne (or sometimes English Leather) to go along with it! Oh, I was totally cool, but no–the chicks didn’t dig me!
Ferd Berfle says
Maybe you should have tried Old Spice.
Or smoked a pipe with Carter Hall tobacco – pass the word, the chicks are back.
Cherry Blend. I smoked a pipe for a couple of years at work, when you could smoke at your desk. I’d light up and the women would flee en masse like virgins running from a rumor of plague, elbowing each other for position Bay Area Bomber style. By that time, my English Leather aftershave was irrelevant.
Root 66 says
I don’t think any kind of cologne would have helped very much…since I was “Husky” (another word that bugs me, incidentally) and wore god-awful “birth control” glasses!
Root 66 says
Terms that are on my “hate” radar:
“rescue pet”–since the term is really all about YOU and not the dog/cat/ferret/whatever being rescued.
“hate crime”–I think ALL crimes contain plenty of hate.
ANY business buzzwords/phrases (“circle back”, “synergy”, “outside the box”, “going forward”–you get the idea!)
If I’m told to “reach out” one more time…. “you need to reach out to the insurance company” or “reach out to your neighbor”. I have a friend who ends sentences “with that being said” and continues with the story. Just take a breath and continue, you dont have to fill in the pauses with superfluous b.s.
Reva, to break people of the habit of saying “reach out”, try repeating what they say but substituting the more appropriate phrase, “reach around”. I think we do entirely too much reaching out and not nearly enough reaching around.
John, your “reach around” just made me laugh like a hyena!
Another phrase that makes me crazy is “share”. I’m gonna share a punch in the throat with the next person that “reaches out” to me to “share” an idea.
There are a lot of totally legitimate words and phrases in this post.
Maxpedition velcro wallet right rear pocket. Keys on D-ring left side. Glock G30 on right hip at the 4:00 position. Swiss army knife right front pocket.
I hate the words snot, shart, and synergize.
Lee Harvey Ramone says
Slacks, n’ stuff
I regularly need help opening jars. Running the lid under hot water for a few seconds always loosens it enough so my weak little hands can finish the job.
Like others, I hate the word ‘panties’. I make the cringe-face anytime anyone says it. It’s a reflex, and I’m not ashamed.
Other hated words include: twat, pregnant (and any variation of it – pregnancy, preggo, etc.), hubby, kiddo, amazeballs, and awesome sauce (as a phrase, not as individual words.)
GAH. It inspires irrational rage and irritation.