You know what’s a good look for a man? A slightly too-tight t-shirt, with cig pocket, tucked into radically-blue jeans, and a wide leather belt. That says style, right there. Style, with a little sassiness.
Toney came home for lunch today, and I was still in bed, clear-cutting timber. The alarm clock had been pummeled into submission, and I was fully asleep when she gave me an irritating shake. I’m not a fan of being woken up by another human. Ya know? An alarm isn’t my favorite, either. But that wake-shake is on a whole other level.
Plus, it pisses me off when I sleep that long. I have a section in Evernote called To Do (NOW). I also have a more open-ended to-do list (called To Do), but the one with (NOW) at the end contains all the pressing stuff. There are currently six items listed. I’m scheduled to work on Saturday, so I basically have Thursday and Friday to get ‘em done. I can’t be sleeping all the time, like a 13 year old dog. Grrr…
And just so you know, when I finish this update, the list will shrink to five items. So, as of right now… I’ve accomplished nothing. We’re holding at six.
Yesterday I installed a new WordPress plugin, that supposedly allows you to send Surf Report updates to your Kindle, so you can read them later or whatever. The button is at the bottom of each post. Please let me know if it works. It’s hot off the press, and I’m not really sure how useful or reliable it is. Let me know your thoughts, if you try it out.
Also, Mark Everett, aka E – of the Eels, is the guest on today’s Marc Maron podcast. I’d never heard a longish interview with him before, and it’s really good. You should check it out, if you’re so inclined. He performs a song at the end, “True Original” from the new album.
My only complaint: the show is only an hour long. I could’ve gone for another 30 minutes, at least. E is smart and funny, and he and Maron have a good chemistry. Oh well, the glass is half-full, right? Right.
Another little Nancy tidbit for you guys: on Sunday she told Toney her whole family remains in a state of agony because of the recent time-change. Twice a year, spring forward AND fall back, the Nancy family is devastated for weeks on end. They’re like a cartoon.
Last weekend the older boy drove himself to Best Buy, and was going to purchase a new video game. I have no idea what it was… River of Blood IV, or something. But the girl wouldn’t let him buy it, because he’s not 17. She carded him, told him he’s not old enough, and (according to him) yelled “Get out!”
I was dubious about the last part of that story, but anything’s possible. Humanity deserves a swift kick to the balls a large percentage of the time.
But Toney took his money, and went there several hours later. She bought the game for him, and the same girl (we’re guessing) started in with the aggressive questioning. “Is this for someone under the age of 17?!” she demanded. “Who is this for?!”
I don’t know how Toney didn’t tell her to go fuck herself. She’s certainly capable of such a thing. She said the girl looked like she was only about 17 or 18 herself, and this is probably the first sliver of authority she’s ever been granted. Now she fancies herself The Gatekeeper.
That kind of thing rarely happens to me, because I give off an air of “about had it.” People don’t like to risk pushing me over the edge. It’s a useful posture, I find.
I’m 50 years old now, which blows my mind, but still feel like I’m about 23, emotionally speaking. Well, I’m more mellow, and less volatile than during those days… But I don’t feel like I always imagined 50 to be. Nowhere close.
However, there are some signs of aging starting to pop up. I don’t care for it… Here are the ones that jump immediately to my mind:
- Crazy, wild hairs growing out of my eyebrows. They’re wiry and thick, and could pop a balloon. Whenever I get my hair cut now, the girl usually asks, “Do you want me to do your eyebrows?” This never happened before the age of 47 or so.
- My knees are unreliable agents. They don’t hurt, they just don’t function very well. If I have to kneel down for something, I have a hard time getting back to upright. I basically have to pull myself up, by holding onto something. Again, a fairly recent development.
- I have gray hair, and lots of it. I’d say it’s about 40% gray at this point. It doesn’t really bother me, but it’s yet another reminder that the clock is ticking: tick-tock, tick-tock, you underachieving bastard.
- Over the past few weeks, I’ve noticed that I’m starting to get crow’s feet, or whatever they’re called. You know, wrinkles beside your eyes? Sweet Jesus. I’m going to look like Walter Matthau, circa 1998, within the year.
Have you been noticing anything going on, in the aging department? What’s happening these days? Please tell me I’m not alone. Use the comments link below.
And I’ll be back soon. Have a great day, my friends.
Five items to go!
Now playing in the bunker
Try Dropbox! It’s free and fantastic.
Joey Jo Jo says
GodDAMN, I love Nancy and Nossy.
I have the eyebrow hairs too, and I’m not even 40. I have to constantly stay on top of ear and nose hairs too. It’s sickening. No gray hairs though, at least that I can see.
One sign that I’m older is that I’d just rather stay home. Whatever it is, I’d rather stay home.
hot fuzz says
I find I’d just rather sleep.
T. Farty McAppleass says
Just got this here update sent to my android tablet. Works!
Not Oprah says
Had to forward this on.
Average Jane says
RE: Aging – My husband (55) and I (45) went to see Tower of Power last night along with every other old musician in our metropolitan area and three hours of standing in a literal roadhouse (asphalt floor) just about did us in. Both our backs were so stiff that we could hardly get in the car to go home, ditto with getting back out.
Tower of Power! What a great show. I’ve seen them twice, and it never gets old (speaking of getting old). I *must* go see them next time they’re in town.
I agree with Jason on the staying home front. I’ve turned into such a hermit that on the weekends I rarely get out of my pajamas. In a way I think it’s a good thing. Far less likely that I’ll wind up in jail for vehicular manslaughter because I hate people, or downright murder because I hate people. This way I can stay at home in my fatpants, only emerge to get food and booze and then hole back up for some sweet, sweet mellow time.
Of course it never works out that way and my weekends are always busy with crap-ola.
I don’t know if this is age or just me being a fat-ass, but I have found that if I do any sort of labor I am so sore for the next two days it feels like I can’t move. Sucks being out of shape! (Then again I certainly don’t want to get in-shape. I cringe at the thought of soreness from exercise)
hot fuzz says
I’m in shape… oval is a shape, right?
Geez, I’m shaped like a frickin’ weeble.
the constantly progressive lowering of the testicles……never dreamed that at 57 they could swing so low……
Bill in WV says
CHRIST ALMIGHTY !!!!
He speaks truth.
Swami Bologna says
I hear ya, brother.
Phil Jett says
Gray hair? I wish I had some hair on my head to turn grey. I trim my eyebrows, ear and nostril hair because it has taken over for where my head has quit.
Arthritis in my left shoulder has made that arm pretty much useless. It pains me to even pick up a gallon of milk.
If my ball sack continues to stretch I’m going to have to buy a jock strap so I don’t trip walking around the house.
T. Farty McAppleass says
I’m a man and yet my tits look like a pair of silk socks with oranges in them.
Joe T. says
I’m 51 and just had a colonoscopy Jeff. Everything was fine, but the prep day will be good for at least 2 Surf Reports from you.
Agreed. I just had the probe last month. Had to suck down a gallon of Miralax plus 2 laxatives.
Does anyone else fart dust?
when i get my rocks off, there is just a short whistle accompanyed by puff of dust
Definately sporting a lot more gray these days. And an odd one I noticed is the hair gray at the tip, rather than the base. Whats up with that shit? Some sort of precursor to something bad in my future?
Knees, ankles, wrists, they all be complaining about something at some point. And my doctor keeps reminding me that its only (6, then 5,) and now 4 years to “that” test…
son of sam says
never trust a fart
Earl Melton says
Never ignore an erection
Never pass up a bathroom
I have no idea what color the little hair I have left is. Oh, wait a minute, yes I do. It’s Just For Men #35H Medium Brown, and it’s been that color for at least 30 years. Hearing is going fast, muscles are always sore, weight is too high, can’t sleep a full night, I shit at least 3 times per morning, moobs, oh yea, and I don’t go out anymore, either, and Sam’s right: never trust a fart. But I have a decent amount of money and I’m not dead.
The Qweezy Mark says
Geez, just getting crow’s feet at age 50? You need do drink a LOT more, man.
Other than that, at 51, there’s not one fucking this wrong with me (except for the part about being an asshole).
The colonoscopy at 50 was kinda like a date rape. I just woke up and knew I had been violated.
Regarding aging…you left out that you can’t eat pizza or spicy foods anymore because of heartburn.
My teeth started having issues in my late 30s. In my late 40s the eye doctor said “bifocals”.
As for “that procedure”, you’ll want to spend the day before at home. No, really, AT HOME. For me, “that procedure” had a silver lining: My crappy insurance company said I was supposed to be on the hook for $900, but the doc never sent me a bill.
I’mma be 51 this year, Lord willing, and have few complaints. Yeah, so going out doesn’t hold the appeal it once die, but now I’m happily married (Thanks Jeff!) with teenaged kids, a full time job that doesn’t involve slinging drinks, and a retirement plan. My 20’s were freaking great, no doubt, but I’m not going to even TRY to live there again. I’d be dead before morning.
*it once diD*
In some ways it would be great to be a 20-something flatbelly again, but I totally don’t miss a) the poverty or b) the certifiably insane wife (now ex-, thank bloody bog). In those days women were all over me and I didn’t even know it; now that I have incrementally more of a clue, they are not all over me. GMAFB.
So far I can trim and cut away the gray hairs, but sure can’t grow any non-gray chin stubles. A few years back I started discovering long hairs growing out of my earlobes. Some got pretty lengthly before they were noticed. We’re talking two to three inches…
Two years ago I was asked by a barber if I wanted my eyebrows trimmed. Since then I’ve been keeping tabs on them myself.
Actual excersize does make me feel better, probably should get back to that. Been on a little (six month) break lately. Some of the old pains are starting to creep back.
To me it is a treat to be able to hang at the homestead. Sometimes I actually fix something (or break it more). Gotta’ get out every now and then though, if for no other reason than to get out. Don’t care much for a unabomber lifestyle.
Constantly sweaty balls are a given. WTF?
Root 66 says
I’m seriously thinking about letting my ear hair to grow out long enough so I can comb it over my bald head! Of course, I’ve been going bald since I was about 25, so it really doesn’t bother me.
The kids let me know when it’s time to trim the eyebrows– “Dad, you’re starting to look like the Grinch!”
Yeah, they’ll be old someday, too…changing my diaper in the old folks’ home! Heh.
Going to matinees’ whether the movies, theater or whatnot, becuase I just can’t stay up until 10:00 PM anymore, let alone drive home if the venue is over 20 miles away.
On the plus side, getting older kinda gives you carte blanche in the “I just don’t give a fuck” department. I don’t care if I’m not wearing make up and run into anyone I know. I certainly don’t give a shit about anything the government tells me. The same dumb assery I once participated in makes me cringe.
Yeah, I’m an old fuck.
I’ve noticed I’m not attracted to 14 yr olds anymore. Does that count?
There’s a SICK saying used where I’m from in Texas. When something is very difficult to turn (like a rusted bolt or something) they say, “That’s tighter than a ten year old.” God, I’m sorry.
Then I must still be ‘not old’. They can’t dress like that in their form-fitting or flesh-baring clothes and NOT have me notice.
I’m 41 but I’ve had a Dave Vanian-style swath of gray hair for several years, so I don’t worry too much about it. The horrible mammogram I had to undergo last week was pretty sucktastic though. That made me feel pretty damn old.
My niece has had one of those since she was a baby. (She’s 16 now.) She has tried to color it, comb it under, cut it out…nothing works.
I think she finally accepted that it’s just how it is for her; her classmates think it’s cool.
Although I would not go back to my 20’s or 30’s, I just can’t believe I’m gojng to turn 50 in July. I still consider myself 30-something. I shake my head in disbelief even with a few definite signs….
Even though I wear contacts, I need readers to see anything close up. I think this my biggest annoyance. I have a pair of them everywhere. At work I just wear them on my head like sunglasses because I need them constantly.
I just started taking Lipitor for my elevated cholesterol. Lovely. Eating right as much as I can, working out and losing weight be damned. Family history and AGE.
I noticed as long as I keep going to boot camp classes, it seems to keep my hot flashes at bay. So even though I get up the morning after limping, groaning, and popping motrin like candy, I’m not sweating like a whore on dollar night.
I get my hair did every 5 weeks or thereabouts. So I don’t notice any grey’s yet.
Oh…and I was informed by my doc that next year I’m due for my first roto-rooter. Good times……
Good Luck on the limping and groaning–JW
My husband just turned 30 in Jan. and he has wild eyebrow hairs. I guess he does something with them because they go away for a little while but they always pop right back up and I tell him “your crazy eyebrow hair is back”.
I’ve always wondered just what it was about me that charmed people so. Jeff has finally described it: “an air of ‘just about had it'”. Oh that is SO me.
Bill in WV says
I hit the “Book’em Dano” birthday in less than 2 months. Got diagnosed with rhumatoid arthritis a few months ago. Got one hand that goes numb 10 times a night (at least something is sleeping). Feet are fucked. I’ve been fortunate so far to keep a head of hair like Neil Schon of 70’s Journey fame and it’s not yet turning grey. Vision has changed more in the past year than it did the past 15.
On the vacuum up the shoot thing, my mother died of colon cancer 15 yrs ago and dad has had it as well, so all of us get regular videos made of our innards. I’ve had three since I was 38. All negative, but they did find a pollup during the second one, which turned out to be nothing, maybe something from the corn family. The prep is a delight. By glass 4 of the Shit Through A Goose drink, it felt like I was merely pissing out of my ass. Good times!!
It does sound like you have the bathtub taps on full blast, doesn’t it? And you realize. “Holy shit, that’s my blow hole spewing like a fire hose!”
you kids are breaking my heart. I’m 66 and when I get up in the morning even my moustache hurts.
What color would that moustache be?
Paul F Tompkins has a bit about the time change.
At one point he’s like “Who’s the president?!!!”.
So do they ever travel east or west? Hitting Illinois must really be a bitch.
Yes, Nostrils gets a bad case of jet lag whenever he flies — even if it’s within the same time zone. Like Charlotte to Boston. He becomes bedridden for several days. And none of that is a joke.
Plus the damage thos nasty planes do to the environment. The horror!
With all the crazy reality series out there, I can’t believe Nancy & Nossy haven’t landed one of their own yet. I honestly think I would do pay-per-view just to see them.
i was informed a month or two ago that I’m eligible to start withdrawing from my meager retirement funds without penalty (and without actually retiring) on account of I’d just turned 59 1/2. Ugh.
My aging symptoms seem to be more environmental/emotional than physical. I’ve just started noticing that the average age of the general public seems to be 10-20 years younger than I am (I don’t know how it didn’t dawn on me earlier. Maybe because I hadn’t yet been hit in the head with the thought of turning 60, and still thought of myself as a Jeff-like 20/30-something); it’s not uncommon for me to find that I’m the oldest person at any given place; almost all of the people on TV are younger than me; I’m not the target of any advertising except for the medication and investment ads that accompany the network news and golf broadcasts; etc., etc. etc. Ugh again.
It’s 5:00 p.m. somewhere, right?
“Well my friends are gone and my hair is grey
I ache in the places where I used to play
And I’m crazy for love but I’m not coming on
I’m just paying my rent every day
Oh in the Tower of Song
I said to Hank Williams: how lonely does it get?
Hank Williams hasn’t answered yet
But I hear him coughing all night long
A hundred floors above me
In the Tower of Song”
hot fuzz says
My hair is the same colour as always, except for my manly crop of chest hair and my goatee For those I’m as grey as a schnauzer.
When it comes to grey hair, I used to be just a carrier.
Just once I’d like to have nothing new to talk to my doctor about (dangle that participle baby..). But now I’m feeling RSI in my left hand and wrist. The finger, thumb and F-you finger all get sore and tingly. So if anyone asks if I exercise, I can now say yes, every morning (carpel tunnel exercises). heh.
I may have said this before but I’ve lost an inch (in height). So you’d figure bending down to pick up something I dropped would be easier since it’s closer, but no… and it’s louder too with the knee, ankle, foot cracks and pops. Well, the grunting has gotten louder for sure.
So I did a test today to see if I was lactose intolerant. I haven’t had a glass of milk in weeks. That time, I was quite ill with much the same results as the prep for a colonoscopy. So today, I thought, what the hell, let’s give it a whirl. Yeah, not a good idea. At least I know.
Not Oprah says
An eyebrow hair that could break a balloon….. Killing myself laughing. That’ll keep me smiling until the next update.
Just once (ok….more than once) I’d like one of my various hair-cutting cuties to ask me if I’d like to them to, “Do”, my moustache…because I’ve got a pretty good answer for that.
I’m at the age now where those fine, long-ass, blond hairs pop up in random spots on my face. You know the ones…you can see them out of the corner of your eye but can’t see them in a mirror so you can pluck them? Last month my hairdresser was “dusting loose hair” off my face after cutting my hair. He kept brushing a spot on my forehead and couldn’t seem to get rid of whatever he was working on. He finally reached down and pulled the damn thing. I screamed like a 13 year old in a haunted house! The damn hair was attached to my head and pulling it hurt like a mother. He was shocked as was I!
My bra size has gone from a 34C to a 38Long. I have gone back to wearing bikini panties so the waist line is below my protruding stomach. If there is not an elastic waist, I do not even bother looking at an article of clothing. All blouses/tops must fall in the “tunic” category. I suppose I’ll be wearing the mumu dresses with huge flowers on them within a year.
I won’t even bore you with the multiple aches and pains that wreck my body every single day. Nor will I talk about the fact that I can’t move more than an inch without groaning. My cat even looks at me real funny when I grunt and groan as I move around the house. Getting in and out of the car is another thing that has become a challenge. I also want one of those tall/high toilets so I don’t have to bend my knees and squat down to sit on a regular commode.
Getting old is NOT for sissies and neither is it attractive, but I guess it beats the alternative. About a year ago, I told my son to take me to the vet if I ever hit 80 and just have me put down. It’s cheaper than a damn stay in an extended care facility. 🙂
Here’s a new-to-me factiod about Mark “E” of the Eels. Apparently his father was a famous physicist who did work in quantum mechanics and came up with the Multiple Worlds theory. I don’t pretend to understand this stuff, but apparently it’s real.
Here’s a documentary: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZnnA3sgMXCI&list=PLB3FFB80FC208E56E …cool stuff. And may I say, a little less depressing that talk of sagging bodily sacs.
I just got home from celebrating a friends 50th birthday in New Orleans. There were about 8 of us oldsters tearing it up on Bourbon Street every night until way after midnight. Jello shots, beads, college girl titties everywhere!! God, how I love that place!!
We had a blast!! Drunken carousing is the best way to celebrate a big milestone birthday and I felt younger than I have in years….until the next morning…when I felt like a “rode hard” 48 again. But, it was so worth it!
Sounds like a good time! Drunken carousing is always a good idea. Well, usually. But throw in the college girl titties and I don’t really see a downside. There are ways to avoid a hangover.
Graphic is from Don Hertzfeld’s “Rejected” — good, weird shit if ya got 10 minutes: