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A Few Quick Sunday Things

January 23, 2011 By Jeff 76 Comments

Nancy sent Toney an email a few days ago, reporting “exciting news.”  Are you ready for this one…?  Apparently their oldest translucent child has started to develop body odor, and is now using deodorant.  Hey, I told you this was big!

Yes, the family is treating it as an important milestone in the little weirdo’s maturation, and they’re celebrating and turning it into a week-long Festival of the New Smells… a veritable Carnival of the First Funk.

Blecch.  The whole thing makes me slightly nauseous, if you want to know the truth.  And if stinking is an accomplishment, then I met some of the most accomplished men of my generation on Ponce de Leon Avenue in Atlanta years ago.  Perhaps I should’ve asked for their autographs?

I mean, WTF?  I’ve heard of people (also freaks) having “first period” parties for their daughters, but never this crap.  I’d like to know if they bought him a cake?  And gave him gifts?  Perhaps they invited some of his friends from school, to share in his magic moment?  And, if so, I wonder if some of them were jealous, because they hadn’t yet achieved a pungent pit stench of their own?

Dammit!  It’s pissing me off, just joking about it.

Wonder what they’ll do the first time they catch him waxin’ his dolphin to a photo of Ole Kirk Christiansen, or something?  Bring in a bounce-house?  Good god… let’s just move on.

I was listening
to Adam Carolla’s podcast a few nights ago, and Lemmy was the guest.  During the interview Adam asked him if he’d ever had a job outside of music, and Lemmy launched into an incoherent story about briefly working as a house painter, in Wales.

He said they painted the home of a flamboyant gay man, with the name of… Mr. Brownsword.  Then he added, “I swear it’s true.  That’s something you couldn’t make up!”  Heh.  I don’t believe a word of it, I think you could definitely make it up, but it made me laugh anyway.

Did you know that Lemmy is now 65?  Holy shitballs!

I got my hair cut a few days ago, and the woman said I look like Skippy Hicks, or whatever that guy from American Idol is called.  She was talking about my graying hair, which has hyper-accelerated over the past year or so.  Now it’s roughly 60% dark brown, 40% gray.  It’s disturbing.

And after she told me I reminded her of Skippy Hicks, another woman, with a terrifying death-rattle cough and Long Island Iced Tea rasp, said, “Oh gawd, I love that look!”

I almost snatched the scissors from somebody’s hand, and started going all Tex Watson in that place.  There’s only so much a person can take…

Another thing that pisses me off:  Amazon user reviews that end with the phrase “It’s that good.”  Because the author thinks he’s finishing with a dramatic flourish, but he’s really just a standard-issue shitbag.  Well, maybe that’s a bit harsh…  But it bothers me, nonetheless.  Almost as much as “’Nuff said.”

I saw a news article a few days ago, about a giant round-up of mobsters in New York City.  And many of the arrested had colorful mafia-style nicknames, like Vinny Carwash, Meatball, and Johnny Bandana.  How cool is that?

For a Question of the Day, I’d like to know what your mafia nickname would be, if you were allowed to create your own?  Please tell us about it in the comments.  Also, if you’d like to assign mobster names to your co-workers, or whatever, that’ll be cool, too.

And I’ll see you guys next time.

Have a great day!

Now playing in the bunker

Treat yourself today at Amazon!

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Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. JCIII says

    January 23, 2011 at 12:51 am

    Good Morning Surf Reporters…..

    Reply
  2. JCIII says

    January 23, 2011 at 1:13 am

    My Mafia nickname..

    it’s a toss up between 5th Street Johnny – or – Johnny Three Sticks.. the latter has a more authentic sound to it…

    Reply
  3. Dave in Sammamish says

    January 23, 2011 at 1:18 am

    Lemmy Rules!

    Reply
  4. Big Bear in OH says

    January 23, 2011 at 1:20 am

    My nicknames are already pretty much mobtastic…”The Bear” or “The Walrus”…take your pick.

    Reply
  5. Kevindust says

    January 23, 2011 at 1:21 am

    Excellent, a late night update! I shall pour myself another rye and ginger and read the update…

    Reply
    • Kevindust says

      January 23, 2011 at 4:05 am

      Two sentences and I used the word update twice. JTB will not approve, my apologies in advance. Is it wrong to blame the rye? Surely, it couldn’t have been the ginger.

      -Kevin “The Duster”

      Reply
  6. Jimbo says

    January 23, 2011 at 1:28 am

    Jeff, be happy that your biggest concern is your % grayness. I’m 30, and I’d consider myself 60% hair, 40% scalp. This stuff’s falling out fast. Supplies are limited!

    I’d be happy with 100% grey right now, if I was rocking a George Clooney head of hair. Women love a thick head of grey hair… it’s that good!

    By the way, Firefox is marking “grey” as an incorrect spelling. From what I can recall, that was the word printed on Crayola crayons back in the day. What do you think, grey or gray?

    Also, Jimbo Scalparino.

    Reply
    • Jimbo says

      January 23, 2011 at 1:32 am

      And I started with “grayness”, and switched to “grey”. Dunno why it wasn’t “greyness”. Or “gray”.

      Reply
    • Rick says

      January 23, 2011 at 9:15 am

      Just so you know… you are now Jimbo “Sixty Percent”.

      Reply
      • Randall says

        January 23, 2011 at 6:47 pm

        Jimmysixty! It,s got a better ring to it

        Reply
    • kristin says

      January 23, 2011 at 1:37 pm

      Either spelling is correct. I prefer “grey” myself. It just seems more grey than gray.

      Reply
  7. Sam in Akron says

    January 23, 2011 at 1:28 am

    I worked on the railroad in Albany NY with two guys from “the city”. Tommy “two guns” and Jimmy “the truth”. Best damn 12 hour trips ever.

    Reply
  8. Seanette says

    January 23, 2011 at 1:31 am

    Let’s see, the oldest translucent is the one who was channeling Damien during the Christmas visit, right? If so, I’m already scared. Take existing issues, add adolescent hormones attacking what judgment he has……..

    Reply
  9. Mark0510 says

    January 23, 2011 at 1:32 am

    Used to work with a bloke called Johnny 5-strands, due to his comb-over.

    Reply
    • bikerchick says

      January 23, 2011 at 5:12 pm

      Awesome!

      Reply
  10. DaveI says

    January 23, 2011 at 1:33 am

    David Fancy Hands

    Reply
  11. Ed says

    January 23, 2011 at 1:48 am

    Eddie the Grouch.

    Reply
  12. lakrfool says

    January 23, 2011 at 4:15 am

    Mafia nickname??

    Big Skull.

    Onna count I’m smaht & my cranium is INDESTRUCTABLE!!

    I once fell off a 2 story balcony & slammed my head concurrent with my horizontal body on the concrete. I laid tthere for 10 seconds & got up. I hid from the alerted paramedics in a bathroom smoking bowls.

    This explains alot.

    Reply
  13. johnthebasket says

    January 23, 2011 at 6:04 am

    My organized crime name used to be “Big Johnson”. Now its “Limpy”. Where have all the flowers gone?

    At least it’s never been “Skippy Hicks”. Thank God for small favours.

    That’s a tip of the Hatlo hat to Kevin. No one in the USA has drunk rye since Archie Goodwin. Let us celebrate our links to the past.

    jtb

    Reply
    • Stephanie says

      January 23, 2011 at 1:24 pm

      You mentioned Archie Goodwin! I miss him…

      Reply
      • johnthebasket says

        January 24, 2011 at 5:52 am

        Go and visit him. He’s just there waiting for you. You might want to try a Michael Prichard-read audio book.

        jtb

        Reply
        • CADude says

          January 24, 2011 at 3:23 pm

          Methinks you two are referring to different Archie Goodwins.

          Reply
  14. johnthebasket says

    January 23, 2011 at 6:16 am

    Yes, I know contractions require apostrophes. It’s 0300 in the Great Pacific Northwest. I’m claiming fatigue. It’s a typo, and I’m sticking to that.

    Sincerely,

    The man formerly known as Big Johnson

    Reply
  15. Jonboy says

    January 23, 2011 at 6:37 am

    Johnny Knuckles.

    It’s that good!!

    Nuff said!!

    Couldn’t resist.

    Reply
  16. Chris says

    January 23, 2011 at 7:54 am

    Christopher two-chins

    Reply
  17. tiff says

    January 23, 2011 at 8:00 am

    Why can’t they just tell the kid he needs to start bathing regularly and throw a stick of Sure at him? Good grief – I can’t imagine having thrown a celebration of stench for the Things when they reached that lofty life point. The embarrassment, for me alone, would have been too much.

    If they have a party, will he get to wear his special skirt? Will the party still be LEGO themed or has he stepped over the manhood threshold and has to put away such childish thing? Curious minds…

    Reply
  18. tiff says

    January 23, 2011 at 8:01 am

    (do the ladies get mob names, or is it just open to gents?)

    Reply
  19. Jason says

    January 23, 2011 at 8:48 am

    Tommy two balls
    Bart the buttfucker
    Louis I’ll kill your whole family
    Frank white bread
    Ricky rice crispy treat
    Sal shrimp face

    Reply
  20. Alex says

    January 23, 2011 at 9:26 am

    They condone deodorant use? After the ‘wild hair’ and freak food tales I figured deodorant was another one of those things that fell into the evil catagory.

    Maybe the kid will get lucky and they’ll get him a hooker rather than a clown for his puberty party.

    My mafia name, as given to me by my old neighbourhood chums of direct italian descent (many born in ‘the old country’) is ‘Bullets’ for a certain propensity I had as a yoot. No shit, an 80% genuine mafia name.

    Reply
  21. airandee says

    January 23, 2011 at 9:53 am

    Mafia Nickname: Skunkbutt

    If that ‘Translucent’ is starting to emit ‘teenagerly smells’ then you better get your plumbing upgraded before his next visit.

    Reply
  22. Chuck in Belpre says

    January 23, 2011 at 9:56 am

    Charlie One-Eye
    -or-
    Chuck You One-Eyed Bastard

    An Olfactory Offense Party? The oddness continues to bloom like a yeast infection.

    Reply
  23. Gretchen says

    January 23, 2011 at 10:37 am

    Mud Butt

    Reply
  24. johnthebasket says

    January 23, 2011 at 11:17 am

    Gretchen…

    I was guessing your underground name might be “The Curves” or “The Charmer”. So I was close.

    jtb

    Reply
  25. Rhetoric Al says

    January 23, 2011 at 11:47 am

    I don’t have kids and it’s been a really long time since I was one myself, and I don’t have anything against them of course, but aren’t they pretty much stinkbombs from day one? Yeah, teenage chemistry makes all sorts of things different, but wow. The boy really stinks now. Whoo Hoo!

    Surely there are at least half a dozen Mob Name Generators on the Web by now. I don’t really want to look.

    Al “Borderline” Kline

    Reply
  26. Joe Todd says

    January 23, 2011 at 11:52 am

    I work with a group of cajuns and they all have some pretty odd handles. T-Boy, T-Glen, Rubberhead, Blackie, Muggy and the list keeps on going.

    Reply
  27. Gretchen says

    January 23, 2011 at 11:53 am

    By the way, those parties for girls who “come of age” are called Red Tent parties. I only found out about them a few days ago when I saw this thing posted on Regretsy:

    http://www.regretsy.com/2011/01/20/at-your-cervix/

    I’m fairly certain I would have shot my face off had I been subjected to such a thing.

    Reply
    • kristin says

      January 23, 2011 at 1:40 pm

      Are you f’ing kidding me??? Like being 13 isn’t bad enough already.

      Reply
      • Gretchen says

        January 23, 2011 at 2:41 pm

        I know! I remember being perpetually mortified at that age.

        Reply
    • Melissa says

      January 23, 2011 at 10:48 pm

      Gretchen, I’m so happy to see you like Regretsy! A friend of mine, April Winchell started it up after joking for a long time at her website (I think it’s down but it was aprilwinchell.com) & some friends and her used the term “regretsy” & BAM, the whole thing started & now it’s taken off!
      Where she finds all that crap I will never know but she is a gem & is friggin’ hilarious. I wish I had half her wit. 🙂

      Reply
      • Gretchen says

        January 24, 2011 at 10:35 am

        Small internet! Ms. Winchell is wonderfully sarcastic and witty and frequently has me laughing until a kidney is imperiled, much like this site. Please pass along my kudos to your friend.

        Reply
        • Alex says

          January 24, 2011 at 12:22 pm

          Thats priceless…

          I see potential for a new pickup line, with some modifcation of course;
          “And when we beat you with sticks, candy will fall out of your vagina!”

          Reply
  28. WB in OH says

    January 23, 2011 at 11:54 am

    I have to agree with Jimbo. Obviously, you’re not losing your hair or you would embrace the gray hairs the way a fat man cherishes cake. In my mind, these are warrior hairs, that will not be daunted by by genetics.
    I would gladly replace the extra forehead with a few extra gray warriors.

    Wally Forehead

    Tomorrow is Warren Zevon’s birthday…just sayin’

    Reply
  29. dto says

    January 23, 2011 at 12:02 pm

    Won’t be long before there’s an all night bedside vigil waiting for the First Nocturnal Emission.

    Reply
  30. johnthebasket says

    January 23, 2011 at 12:04 pm

    Thanks, WB. Warren was an American treasure. Tomorrow would have been his 64th. Let us listen to the compositions of great men.

    Thanks again…

    jtb

    Reply
  31. dto says

    January 23, 2011 at 12:37 pm

    My name(s)

    Whodatt.

    “Here’s his picture.”
    “Whodatt?”
    “Yeah.”
    “Whodatt.”
    “Yep. You know him?”
    “Whodatt?…yeah.”
    Voice from outside office: “Who dat?”
    “Of course.”
    “No…who dat?”
    “Yes exactly. You’re right. You know him?”
    “No…lemme see dat”, as he looks over the picture. “Who dat?”
    “I thought you said you didn’t know him.”

    Domee Afavor

    He was really worried and Angelo knew it. He’d never seen him like this just sitting there grim and staring off . Tony The Stink was in trouble but maybe he found his way out…

    “Domee Afavor.”
    “a’Course boss. Anythin…just say da whord.”
    “What?”
    “Just ask. I’ll do it.”
    “Domee Afavor!”
    “Yeah, yeah, yeah…I got that part. After that? What?”
    “Find him.”
    “Who?’
    “Domee Afavor!”
    “Aw geeseh boss…ya gotta focus here.”
    “DOMEE AFAVOR!!”

    Five minutes later: “Do me a favor…send up Digger. Angelo’s not feeling too good.”

    Reply
  32. T. Farty McAppleass says

    January 23, 2011 at 1:23 pm

    Mac Stinky Pinky Morello
    Marcel Man Tits Hildago
    Farty Turtle Neck Perelli
    Tony Mac N Mayo Rosella

    What’s with all these weird parties now days? My wife went to one Saturday, at a neighbor’s house, and it was like a tupperware party, but they weren’t selling tupperware. Nope, just a bunch of housewives passing around sex toys. The name of the host is Jan and she apparently had the coffee table covered in large fake dongs. How quaint.

    My wife said she wanted to take her potato salad and get the hell out of there. But in the end she was shamed into buying $70 worth of “toys”. Good god.

    Reply
    • tracy in ohio says

      January 23, 2011 at 2:59 pm

      I’ve been invited to several of those parties. Once by my step-mother (Oh God) I’ve declined attending all of them. If I decide I have the need for such things I want to purchase such things from my home online and have them delivered in nondescript boxes thankyouverymuch. I don’t need other people thinking about me using my purchases.

      Reply
      • T. Farty McAppleass says

        January 23, 2011 at 3:56 pm

        She was tricked into the party. And one girl took one of the things to the bathroom to give it a test drive. But she could have made that part up, she’s full of shit.

        Your step-mother? Sweet Jesus. That’s creepy.

        I think I mentioned here before that we had “dirty Santa” last Christmas. My brother-in-law and his nasty little wife wrapped up a strap-on cock and opened it in front of the whole family. They were WAY too excited about it.

        Reply
    • Melissa says

      January 23, 2011 at 10:53 pm

      I’m 31 & I consider myself adventurous but a few months ago my cousin announced she was moving to Las Vegas so a friend of hers decided that was a great excuse to have one of these…..parties. She invited me & told me what it was in advance so luckily I was able to bow out, but I did have to hear begging from her and my cousin for weeks leading up & it just kinda creeped me out.
      I figure if I need those things I know where they are sold. I don’t need some overweight housewife flashing a light saber dick across the room to get me to buy one.
      After the party I asked how it went & my cousin (who was VERY hungover) said the more it went on she kept drinking because not only did the woman sell the stuff, she proceeded to give “lessons” on how to give the perfect BJ using various sized dildos & several partygoers gave it a go too. Then the woman took the “clients” into a seperate room so they could “order in private” when really I think she was testing out the product on them. Who knows.

      Reply
  33. kristin says

    January 23, 2011 at 1:42 pm

    Is the translucent allowed to use regular deoderant? Or did they give him that rock salt crap?

    Reply
  34. kristin says

    January 23, 2011 at 1:46 pm

    WVSR classic picture – GENIUS.

    Reply
  35. madz1962 says

    January 23, 2011 at 2:07 pm

    It’s a toss up between “Torn Ligament” or “Swollen Ovary.”

    A pitt party? Really?

    Reply
  36. WB in OH says

    January 23, 2011 at 3:33 pm

    I need to back the truck up a few posts. I started watching “Sons of Anarchy” last night and I’m really enjoying it. I don’t remeber if it was mentioned by one of the other Surf Reporters so I thought I’d recommend it. That is all…

    Go team…

    Sucks not having any real interest in who wins or loses today. I have no beef with Green Bay or Chicago and I hate Pittsburgh for so many reasons I can’t list them all. The Jets took my Bengals out t of the playoffs last year and all the cocky shit they were spewing prior to last weeks game made me want them to lose. Oh well, I guess I’ll just enjoy the beer and pretzels.

    Reply
    • bikerchick says

      January 24, 2011 at 8:36 am

      WB: Sons of Anarchy?? We LOVE that show. Enjoy! Third season finale was one of the best I’ve ever seen.

      Reply
      • Son of Sam says

        January 24, 2011 at 9:43 am

        bikerchick He just said he hated the STEELERS and you cut him slack because of a tv show? What kind of Burgher are you?

        Reply
        • bikerchick says

          January 24, 2011 at 11:21 am

          SOS: OMG….wotta d-bag I am! I replied before reading the rest of his comment!

          WB: Hope you choke on your dry-ass pretzels…

          SOS: Better?

          Reply
          • Son of Sam says

            January 24, 2011 at 12:50 pm

            Thats my girl!
            How about then Stillers huh on Myron’s birthday they couldn’t lose.

            Reply
            • bikerchick says

              January 24, 2011 at 12:59 pm

              Nope. It actually gave me chills when I heard it was Myron’s Bday. Crazy.

              Reply
    • WB in OH says

      January 24, 2011 at 11:41 am

      I hate the Steelers not the Steeler fans, I’m jealous of you Steeler fans! I wish I had been born 200 miles east and maybe my dear old Dad would have been a Steelers fan instead of a Bengals fan. Whaddya gonna do? Mike Brown is a piece of shit owner and doesn’t deserve or get any of my money, I’m patiently waiting (not wishing) for him to cross over to the other side. In the meantime I’ve taken the attitude of “who cares” in all things Bengals.

      Marvins back? who cares, Brat didn’t get fired? who cares, Carson wants out? who cares

      I wish I could just switch to a different team but it’s not that easy…

      Reply
      • Son of Sam says

        January 24, 2011 at 12:52 pm

        Thats ok WB we’d be glad to welcome you to Steeler Nation. You’d never be alone.

        Reply
  37. required says

    January 23, 2011 at 3:44 pm

    Speaking of lame review-speak, how ’bout those Yelping fucks who describe all food as ‘meh’?

    It’s almost as lame as people who post only the estimated numerical position of their not-yet-post and no other content whatsoever. It’s that lame.

    Reply
  38. chill says

    January 23, 2011 at 4:40 pm

    “The Geek” …and I must add that my favorite real Mafia nickname has to be Vinny “The Chin” Gigante.

    What kind of freakazoid parents would throw a “party” like that? Oh, the Eninen kind. I’d think that would scar the kid for life. Any normal kid, that is. At age 13, your parents embarrass you almost to death just by existing, even without crap of this magnitude.
    .

    Reply
    • Dave says

      January 23, 2011 at 8:29 pm

      What about “Tony Bagels”? Seems like someone got their ethnic groups mixed up on that one.

      Reply
  39. Gretchen says

    January 23, 2011 at 9:54 pm

    Steelers to the Super Bowl! Again! Woooooooo!

    Reply
    • Greg says

      January 23, 2011 at 10:09 pm

      Woooooooooooo to you, too!

      Reply
    • chill says

      January 23, 2011 at 10:28 pm

      Not Stillerss? :^)
      .

      Reply
      • Gretchen says

        January 23, 2011 at 10:37 pm

        Naw, since I’m originally from Iggles territory. No Yinzer accent here!

        Reply
    • tadpolegal says

      January 23, 2011 at 11:23 pm

      Here I sit in Wisconsin and all I can say is… GO PACK!!!!!

      Reply
      • bikerchick says

        January 24, 2011 at 8:37 am

        DRINK UP YINZ BITCHES!!!!!!!!!!!!

        Reply
  40. Lee Harvey Ramone says

    January 23, 2011 at 10:26 pm

    Joey Patty Melt

    at this time

    Reply
  41. Chuck in Belpre says

    January 23, 2011 at 11:41 pm

    RIP Mr. Lalanne. I thought you were immortal.

    MORRO BAY, Calif. (AP) — Jack LaLanne, the fitness guru who inspired television viewers to trim down and pump iron for decades before exercise became a national obsession, died Sunday. He was 96.

    Reply
    • madz1962 says

      January 24, 2011 at 1:30 pm

      I think they ought to just go ahead and say that Jumping Jacks are named after this man. He deserves it.

      Reply
  42. Dave's not here, man says

    January 24, 2011 at 8:09 am

    I don’t know, I’m always the quiet one of the bunch. Mafia names don’t go to the quiet ones. Jimmy “the trap?” Vinnie the “shuts up?” “Takes crap” Tommy? or just “kills you in your sleep if you mess with him too much”. Yeah, that last one’s probably pretty good.

    Someone said pitt party. Heh, in college they used to let us party in the basement under the main auditorium and we nicknamed it The Pit. A “Pit Party” was when you had sex during one of those parties.

    Reply
  43. bikerchick says

    January 24, 2011 at 8:41 am

    A little late to the party…I was testing out my new sex toys…

    My mafia name? I dunno…. “Lips” or probably more befitting “the bitch”

    Reply
  44. Skully says

    January 24, 2011 at 9:02 am

    Ah, a pit stench parade!
    It’s trivia time in honor of a malodorous translucent!

    Limburger cheese is most often made with Brevibacterium linens, which is the same bacteria responsible for pit stink.

    Isn’t that interesting?!

    Reply
  45. TXDave says

    January 24, 2011 at 2:33 pm

    Benny “Big Braciole” Benedetto

    Reply

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