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A Few Quick, Ridiculous Things vol. 12

March 13, 2013 By Jeff 75 Comments

Celine Dion Concert Shirt(1)I was talking with a guy recently, who was telling me about one of his old jobs.  I was barely paying attention, of course, but my ears perked up when he injected a bizarre, and completely irrelevant bit of information.  I’m paraphrasing, but this is pretty close to what he said:

“The owner was a real bastard, always yelling and screaming, and pissed-off about something.  He was a Jew who couldn’t smell, and I only worked there for about two years.  I couldn’t take it anymore, and even though the money was good-”

“Whoa, whoa.  Back-up!” I shouted.

He was a Jew who couldn’t smell?!  That little factoid had nothing to do with what he was talking about, yet he felt the need to add it.  And I have to admit… it spiced up an otherwise lackluster tale.  Well-done, my friend.

What do you think Santa is doing right now?  Do you think he’s giving a pep talk to his team of worker-dwarves, about how they can’t grow complacent, even though Christmas is a long way off?  I suspect dwarf complacency is one of his major problems.

You have to hand it to Santa.  He does one thing, and does it well.  I bet there’s a lot of pressure for him to branch out, and try to capture the birthday market, or maybe Valentine’s Day, or something like that.  But he sticks to his guns, and OWNS Christmas.  Simple, yet elegant…  He’s like Apple Computers, in a way.

A lesser magical fatty in a questionable suit would crave the spotlight year-round, but not Santa.  The man has integrity, and a clear vision.  Bravo, Santa.  Bravo!

You know how cable news networks have stock footage that they break out, whenever they do a story about smoking, drinking, or obesity?  The faces are always obscured, or cut-off by the camera frame, right?  Well, I always worry that my torso will be included in an obesity reel, and end up being shown ’round the globe by CNN — for decades.  Is that irrational?  It’s a genuine concern.

Have you ever had a job where you’re only noticed if you fail?  I know everybody feels they have one of those right now, but I REALLY had one in Atlanta.

I was an inventory manager, in charge of keeping a warehouse stocked with home video (VHS!) titles.  And as long as the items were on the shelf when needed, and the machine kept a-running, nobody gave me a second-thought.  But, whenever the backorders started piling up, I was suddenly the most high-profile son of a bitch in the building.

It was the most thankless gig in the world.  I’d forecast spikes in sales, based on things going on in the news, and the machine would keep chugging along against all odds.  But would anyone offer so much as a high-five, for a job well-done?  Never!  I was only noticed when I failed.

Have you had a job like that?  Please tell us about it, won’t you?

OK, here’s a better Question…  Sheesh. Tough room.  In the comments section, tell us what practical things students should be taught in high school.  Everybody always says “how to balance a checkbook,” but we can do better than that.  Ten years ago I would’ve suggested “how to float a check.”  But I think that’s a little outdated, unfortunately.  In any case, tell us the things you believe students should be taught, which they can ACTUALLY use in the real world.  As opposed to stuff like algebra.  Use the comments link below.

And I need to call it a day, my friends.

I don’t know when I’ll be able to update again, but will try not to let it go too long.

See ya soon!

Now playing in the bunker
Try Dropbox! It’s free and fantastic.

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Comments

  1. Dogberry says

    March 13, 2013 at 3:16 pm

    “Take the job as the overnight lookout on the Titanic,” they said. “It’ll be easy,” they said. “What could happen in the North Atlantic in April?” they said.

    Reply
  2. WB in OH says

    March 13, 2013 at 3:22 pm

    My new pope joke, “Lighten up Francis!”

    I’m sorry, so lame.

    Reply
    • madz1962 says

      March 13, 2013 at 3:33 pm

      It made me laugh to beat the band!

      Reply
  3. madz1962 says

    March 13, 2013 at 3:42 pm

    Right now, Santa is engaged in amassing information on the behavorial patterns of juvenile individuals, cross-referncing the data and applying the aforementioned input onto what is internationally known as “the list.”

    I don’t know what would be worse. A Jew who couldn’t smell or a guinea who couldn’t taste?

    My current job truly feels like they only notice us when we fail. My manager can talk to the people I work for and they heap praise on me. One guy laughingly said “She made two typos” and she pounced on that. He had to assure her he was JOKING. I still didn’t get a raise…

    Reply
  4. Theresa says

    March 13, 2013 at 3:46 pm

    I worked in retail for years and that is constantly the case, you are never doing a good enough job, you can always be doing something better. It’s shitty hours, shitty pay and they treat you like a slave. After my last job, I vowed to never work in retail again. Those obese reels crack me up, they always show them sitting at a county fair eating fried oreos and shit. If you’re afraid to be featured in an obesity video than lose some weight.

    Reply
    • t-storm says

      March 13, 2013 at 5:32 pm

      Damn.
      Tough room.

      It would be “then” lose some weight.

      Reply
      • Max says

        March 14, 2013 at 1:26 pm

        Thanks t-storm, I would have jumped on that if you didn’t.

        Reply
        • T-STORM says

          March 14, 2013 at 1:41 pm

          I’m just saying don’t shit on the writer of the comedy blog we all love for talking about a topic.

          Reply
          • Jason says

            March 14, 2013 at 4:15 pm

            Word.

            Reply
            • Theresa says

              March 14, 2013 at 5:25 pm

              I meant that in the nicest way possible guys.

              Reply
              • T. Farty McAppleass says

                March 14, 2013 at 5:39 pm

                Lose some weight, fatass (I mean this in the nicest possible way). Just seems off. But okay.

                Reply
                • Theresa says

                  March 15, 2013 at 6:33 pm

                  I said lose some weight, you added the fatass part buddy. Since when is everybody on this site so uptight??

                • T. Farty McAppleass says

                  March 15, 2013 at 7:06 pm

                  Yeah, I was just piling on. I don’t really give a fuck one way or another, although the comment was a little snarky. Actually, I could lose some weight myself.

  5. Fancy Pants Maguire says

    March 13, 2013 at 3:57 pm

    Two questions; same answer: What Santa is doing right now as well as what practical thing students should learn in school….

    Data Mining

    Reply
  6. Jason says

    March 13, 2013 at 3:58 pm

    Teach the dipshits in high school to keep their credit in check by making payments on time and not signing up for every credit account offered to them. Then the usual shit: budgeting, saving, critical thinking.

    Reply
  7. madz1962 says

    March 13, 2013 at 4:04 pm

    Practical things taught in school: You may think the beer and bong are your friends now, but those Cs and Ds will betray you. Little less partying, a lot more studying will have big dividends.

    Pick a profession, not a major.

    (Why, yes, I probably sound old, bitter and stupid!)

    Reply
    • Roger says

      March 13, 2013 at 7:36 pm

      Bottom line: Pick a profession, not a major. Best advice ever! Wish I had thought of that with my youngest.

      Reply
  8. bikerchick says

    March 13, 2013 at 4:19 pm

    Welp…SOMEONE is teaching classes on “How to work the system…101”, “Howto milk the system…102” and “How to duck under the radar…103”. It’s apparent that people are graduating with flying colors. Unfortunately, I was out the day these classes were held. Now I’m holding down a thankless job in which I have to deal with those who attended the above classes.

    Reply
  9. The Qweezy Mark says

    March 13, 2013 at 4:26 pm

    Very practical course: How to knock’em dead with your oral sex skillz!

    Reply
  10. Ognir says

    March 13, 2013 at 4:34 pm

    I thought that was all jobs. It’s very common where I work.

    Reply
  11. Root 66 says

    March 13, 2013 at 4:35 pm

    Practical Classes in High School:

    –How to Drive Defensively and Eat a Wendy’s No. 1 (with NO pickle)
    –Mockery for All Occasions
    –How to Build a Better Resume
    –Cooking with SPAM
    –Spelling, So Your Typing Doesn’t Look Like You’re a Neanderthal!

    Reply
  12. Stephanie says

    March 13, 2013 at 4:37 pm

    How to WRITE. A paper…a resume…a letter…ANYTHING other than the crap these kids get away with these days as “writing”:

    Yo, I gots sum mad skillz LOL and r u goin 2 set up sum biz nez 2 night?

    Reply
    • johnthebasket says

      March 13, 2013 at 4:46 pm

      A man could do a lot worse than agree with Stephanie.

      jtb

      Reply
      • hot fuzz says

        March 14, 2013 at 5:25 pm

        Yeah, I’m a fan too.

        And agree on the text speak – ugh.

        Reply
  13. Mrs. L. Bangs says

    March 13, 2013 at 5:15 pm

    How to boil water. Seriously, how about some good old fashioned Home Economics?

    What my brother and I learned in our 8th grade cooking class still hold true today – it’s a great skill to have!

    Reply
  14. adam says

    March 13, 2013 at 5:17 pm

    heh… I agree with Stephanie. I get some of the worst resume’s and cover letters coming across my desk. MBA’s and Finance majors who can’t master written communication. I never have balanced a checkbook, but I got to the corner office of a private equity firm based on communication, bull shitting, and being able to call bluffs.

    Reply
    • johnthebasket says

      March 13, 2013 at 7:56 pm

      Glad you’re in the corner office. The plural of resume is resumes, bullshitting is one word, and the preferred plural of MBA is MBAs; also, since your third sentence isn’t a complete sentence, the second period needs to be a colon. I would have mentioned none of this had you not referenced the location of your office, but I’m sure an executive is always striving to improve.

      jtb

      Reply
      • Lee Harvey Ramone says

        March 13, 2013 at 10:52 pm

        I would be willing to venture even further by asserting that adam seems to be a poorly-educated dipshit.

        But at least he has that corner office…..

        Reply
        • Uncle_Wedgie says

          March 14, 2013 at 12:59 am

          Bitch on you 99%ers. Now shut up and get back to work.

          Reply
      • CADude says

        March 14, 2013 at 12:42 pm

        jtb,
        Objection! Assuming facts not in evidence.
        adam (I’ll honor his anti-capitalism quirk. Yours I’ll continue to battle.) didn’t say he was an executive. Ergo, your conclusion that he’s probably striving to improve is without foundation.
        Other than that, well stated, my friend.

        Reply
      • Max says

        March 14, 2013 at 1:30 pm

        JTB 1 — Adam 0

        Reply
    • Lucie in Tampa says

      March 14, 2013 at 8:44 am

      Everyone who has had the corner office at my job has died of a heartattack!!! I am fine being a low level CSR at my job. Everything is our fault and as long as I understand that, all is in order.

      Reply
    • Not Oprah says

      March 14, 2013 at 8:51 pm

      Never been to a corner office. what goes on with use people there.

      Reply
      • Not Oprah says

        March 14, 2013 at 8:54 pm

        I meant their.

        Reply
        • Jason says

          March 15, 2013 at 10:16 am

          I’ve walked into several corner offices in my day. In almost every case there was furious masturbation going on in there when I opened the door.

          Still, I don’t disapprove of Adam having a corner office. Good for him. My dream is to have a circular office or maybe a pyramid shaped office.

          Reply
          • BIll in WV says

            March 15, 2013 at 1:35 pm

            In this day and age, there should be NO WALLS…

            Signed,

            Mr. Thenthitive

            Reply
    • The Kuban says

      March 17, 2013 at 9:47 pm

      http://www.apostropheabuse.com/

      All in good fun, Adam!

      Reply
  15. Jack says

    March 13, 2013 at 5:20 pm

    Somehow schools completely miss budgeting in the real world. When I got my first real full time job with a paycheck, it was a major shocker how much was going to taxes. Plus the fact that housing is really expensive. Then the lesson needs to be driven home that the one night stand with the hottie you met in the bar can lead to major life sucking payments that last until you are as old as your parents and you may never even meet the kid.

    Reply
  16. ron says

    March 13, 2013 at 5:24 pm

    would it be politically correct to say ,”santas vertically challenged employees”?
    beeing a weight enhanced, follically challenged person, i am sentisitive to these things

    Reply
  17. t-storm says

    March 13, 2013 at 5:43 pm

    Sex Ed early on. And not this crap where you carry around a sack of flower.

    How about a home-ec type of class where for a semester or year you play the game of life, only spread out and you have to deal with the consequences, on paper of course but still.

    Have a spinner for jobs, life situations, economic situations, family situations, etc.

    If you don’t keep a balanced budget, the kid fed, the marriage happy, etc. it affects your grade.

    A friend’s kid goes to a pre-school co-op which is run by parents who are board members. There is a president and two teachers who are fixtures but the board members change every year (The school is a 2 day school for 3 yr olds and 3 day school for 4 yr olds).

    So last year the teachers went weeks without pay because of the fee structure (tuition payments plus 3 or 4 “fundraisers”). Also they owe the IRS taxes because they figured out payroll wrong.

    This year they F’d up a fundraiser, a type of lottery (which is probably illegal) and gave out duplicate numbers. Some jackass parent wrote a program to do the randomizing and there were 70 duplicate numbers. Fuck, even excel does random numbers!

    I suggested they get one of those credit card swipers for smartphones and they refused (we’ve always done it this way). Those things are free!

    Anyway, sorry to vent. I’m gonna go conclave something.

    Reply
  18. Jeannette says

    March 13, 2013 at 6:23 pm

    How about teaching them how to do their taxes? How to maintain their credit and why it’s so damn important. How to buy a house. How to CLEAN up your own mess (real or situational).

    Reply
  19. Hollerbabe says

    March 13, 2013 at 6:26 pm

    How to put toilet paper on the roller.
    How to rinse off dirty dishes. Maybe even how to put them in the dishwasher.
    How to check tires and fluid levels in vehicles.
    How to grow a basic veggie garden.
    How to sew a hem and sew on buttons.
    How to cook SOMETHING from scratch.
    How to get utilities turned on when you move.
    How much it costs to be born-as in prenatal care, hospital care, disposable diapers and formula, clothing, potty training, etc.
    How much it costs to die-as in funeral and burial expenses.
    How much it costs to live-as in budgeting for day to day expenses and also intermittent expenses like taxes, holidays, repairs, etc.
    How much it costs to linger-as in longterm care or postop rehab care.
    To name a few…

    Reply
    • Airandee says

      March 13, 2013 at 8:35 pm

      I believe you just described the penitenary life skills core curriculum.

      Reply
    • chill says

      March 13, 2013 at 10:13 pm

      Cook a meatball without burning down the house. This pertains to the Parable of Mr. Stein, which is long-ish.
      .

      Reply
  20. Jorge says

    March 13, 2013 at 6:26 pm

    I’m an RN. We get billed as part of the overhead for your hospital room. That’s right, we’re lumped in with the cost of the bed, the TV and all the linen you can soil.

    In my case, I work in a group that is like in-hospital 911. I’m supposed to fix small problems before they become big ones and come running when there’s a big problem. I’m on the team that you see yelling things and shocking you as you float up towards the light.

    When I keep people from reaching the light, I’m annonymous. If I eff up, well, shit rolls down hill. If I really, really eff up, that shit ends up covered in lawyers.

    FTW.

    Reply
    • m says

      March 14, 2013 at 12:27 pm

      Ooh, Rapid Response Team, very impressive! Actually, my hospital’s SWAT team saved my grandfather’s life, so I really respect you guys.

      And I’d have to agree that nursing is the ultimate “only noticed after screw ups” job. Do it well and you might get a card or a thank you. Might. Do it badly and you get a sub poena. I did work with a great group of OBs who went out of their way to show their appreciation, but our manager only talked to us if it was bad. Now I’m in public health and our model is positive reinforcement for clients and nurses, so life is better. But I miss the adrenaline rush of a crowning baby with no doctor in sight, or the mad dash to the OR when fetal heart tones are down.

      Reply
  21. Airandee says

    March 13, 2013 at 8:39 pm

    I work for a vp today that will never allow anyone feel a sense of accomplishment. Every meeting turns into a beating about what is deficient from any and every thing possible. We have a report nicknamed the 10-7 report because he asked for 10 days worth of metrics after 7 days in production. He has no clue as to why it is called 10-7.

    Reply
  22. hardoxdan says

    March 13, 2013 at 8:57 pm

    Wife and I have had this discussion a million times:

    Her checkbook balances to the penny, although she spends it down to 58 cents every month.

    My check book (actually the house check book) works like this: If I write a check for $47.12, I deduct $48.00. If I deposit $245.67, I add $245.00 even numbers, no cents.

    I ignore the $2.00 or $3.00 per month in interest as well. Every couple months, I roll up the change and deposit $20 or $30 worth of coin to the account and ignore this too. Occasionally, I get a “new account bonus” at work of a few hundred dollars and it goes in direct deposit and I ignore that also.

    My checking account balance is off about $6,000 since 1996 when we opened the account. At least I cannot overdraw the account since the cushion is so large now. Lucky for me, wife unit never looks at that statement.

    Reply
  23. matt K says

    March 13, 2013 at 9:17 pm

    1. how to change a tire or how to do an oil change. it’s so simple stupid.

    2. How to change a light switch/plug-in/ceiling fixture. it’s three goddamn wires! It’s hardly worth a 2 hour service call from an electrician.

    3. basic household plumbing: soldering, working with ABS…jesus, how about using a crescent wrench??

    oooh ooh!! teach them not have that undeserved sense of entitlement

    Reply
    • Phil Jett says

      March 14, 2013 at 8:10 am

      I second all three.

      Reply
    • WB in OH says

      March 14, 2013 at 11:31 pm

      Easy does it matt. Electrical work should be left to the professionals, that shit can kill you. Not mention it could kill my paycheck if every Tom, Dick and Harry becomes DIY electrician.

      Reply
      • T. Farty McAppleass says

        March 15, 2013 at 10:19 am

        The key is to turn off the power at the breaker box. I do this whenever I plug-in or unplug something, and I haven’t been killed by the juice yet.

        Reply
      • chill says

        March 15, 2013 at 6:36 pm

        I’ll hire a pro for stuff like upgrading my service to 200 amps, but not for piddly shit like installing a dryer circuit.
        .

        Reply
  24. Rick says

    March 13, 2013 at 9:42 pm

    Hey Jeff, just a website note… when I’m on the front page, and I click “Next Page” to see if I missed any of the previous posts, page 2 still shows the two posts currently on the front pages, as does page 3, etc. Yer website is BROKE! 🙂

    I’m using the latest version of Google Chrome on a 64bit Win7 machine, if it makes a difference.

    Reply
    • m says

      March 14, 2013 at 12:35 pm

      Same here! I noticed it a couple of days ago. I usually check out the surf report from my droid phone.

      Reply
  25. chill says

    March 13, 2013 at 10:12 pm

    Driving, as in how to use a turnsignal. Special segment on douchebaggery-reduction.

    What matt K said, which I would lump together as “middle-aged man” skills. This also includes such things as jump-starting a car, patching drywall, etc. And don’t use a pipe wrench on the flats of your shiny chrome faucets. Honing cylinders is extra credit.
    .

    Reply
    • CADude says

      March 14, 2013 at 12:45 pm

      Something that was said here a long time ago (by Brittney, I believe, relating something her father had told her. Whither Brittney? I haven’t told anyone to go fuck themself in quite some time.) that’s always stuck with me is, “What a turn signal means is that the turn signal is on.” I’ve avoided a few fender benders by heeding those wise words.

      Reply
  26. Lori in Cbus says

    March 13, 2013 at 10:14 pm

    Well, I believe our manager appreciates us very much nowadays.. especially since half our office has died in the past two years.

    I got an attagirl today for some complicated financial spreadsheets she needed done for a court case. That was a good feeling

    young kids today need training in patience and how to do everything longhand or manually.

    Reply
    • chill says

      March 13, 2013 at 10:16 pm

      I recently heard that they don’t teach cursive writing in schools anymore. Do they also no longer teach long division and multiplication? IMHO these are things that everybody needs to know.
      .

      Reply
  27. Ian the Errolite says

    March 14, 2013 at 3:50 am

    Kids should get taught CPR, and how to make breakfast in bed, and carry a tray upstairs without spilling the coffee onto the criossants.
    Re Santa- Heroin and midget porn.

    Reply
    • madz1962 says

      March 14, 2013 at 4:18 pm

      Everybody should know CPR. Good call!

      Reply
    • Shawn says

      March 14, 2013 at 8:16 pm

      How does one make breakfast in bed? Do you bring all the ingredients and utensils to bed the night before? Or get up in the morning and get them? If the latter then why not just make breakfast in the kitchen, like the good lord intended? Unless your integrating sex into the breakfast preparation. If that’s the case then I would try to make every meal in bed, otherwise I just don’t get it.

      Reply
      • T. Farty McAppleass says

        March 15, 2013 at 10:21 am

        My wife was so sick last week that I had to carry her to the kitchen so she could make my breakfast.

        Reply
  28. Garrett - g1g3m says

    March 14, 2013 at 9:47 am

    I want that goddamn shirt

    Reply
  29. t-storm says

    March 14, 2013 at 5:46 pm

    So last night Jerry Seinfeld was on Leno. He did a bit that I think I’ve seen him do in the 80’s. It was about cream of wheat and pop tarts. It was bad. I feel like it was a bet to see if he’d do something that wasn’t funny.

    Cream of Wheat? WTF!

    Reply
    • T. Farty McAppleass says

      March 14, 2013 at 6:45 pm

      What about his bit on cotton balls? How did this fucking guy make a billion dollars?

      Reply
      • t-storm says

        March 14, 2013 at 7:09 pm

        No shit. You watch early seinfelds and they’re horrible.

        Reply
  30. clintcurtis2000 says

    March 15, 2013 at 12:53 am

    Kids, when you are the zitster behind the fast food counter, learn the words “Please” and “Thank You. Also it doesn’t hurt to count out change, or be able to add, subtract, and calculate percentages. It helps big time when the store cash register crashes. Oh, and when writing, learn the difference between your and you’re.

    Reply
  31. Ol' Duke says

    March 15, 2013 at 10:23 am

    Driving 101 – How to use your fffffn blinker aka turn signal.

    Reply
  32. Dunco says

    March 15, 2013 at 4:27 pm

    Kids; If you are planning on going to college, you will probably drink. Learn to like the taste of beer ahead of time. This will save you the trouble of showing up the first week and saying something like, “Well, I’ve never really drank before, but I’ve heard good things about this (insert-180 proof flavored liquor here) stuff.”
    Then, polishing off a bottle and ending up in detox or wandering into a ravine.

    Reply
  33. Dave's not here, man says

    March 15, 2013 at 4:30 pm

    Essential life skills:

    How to drink out of a glass bottle – seriously, how many people do you see sucking bottles like they were candy coated *****? It ain’t rocket science.

    How to survive 24 hours with NO TECHNOLOGY

    How to interact with actual, real people who can punch your face in if you piss them off.

    just sayin…

    Reply
  34. icecycle66 says

    March 15, 2013 at 5:39 pm

    Somebody gave me candy today. usually that would be a good thing, but this time it was terrible.

    Long story short, fuck that candy.

    Reply
  35. Kevindust says

    March 18, 2013 at 12:41 pm

    A co-worker brought homemade cupcakes into work today. There is Guiness in the cupcake, a chocolate whiskey filling and Baileys icing. I could love this cupcake in the same way that Farty loves cheese.

    Reply
    • chill says

      March 18, 2013 at 6:48 pm

      Man, that sounds promising. Further research is indicated.
      .

      Reply
  36. theo says

    March 26, 2013 at 12:23 pm

    I currently have a job that 100,000+ spectate on given Saturdays in the Autumn. Misspelled ‘Virginia’ once and that was bad.

    Reply

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