That’s a baby? Seriously? I thought it was something they found washed up on a beach in Oregon.
Yes, your daughter is lovely. I hope she enjoys it, before your genes activate and her ass blows out to the size of a credenza.
Thank you for sharing that blurry photo of a muffin! My life has been enriched.
Oh, look… a dog wearing a hat!! I nearly shat myself because of the wackiness of it all. Dogs don’t usually wear hats!
Thank you for the inspirational quote. However, you’re twice divorced and work at Family Dollar, so I have to wonder about its effectiveness.
In 1995 I chuckled at photos of barfing pumpkins. In 2012 they just piss me off.
I don’t believe you’re overly concerned about people suffering from this disease. I think you’re mostly interested in your friends viewing you as caring.
I hear what you’re saying, but you clearly don’t know the difference between you’re and your, so I suspect you’re kind of dumb.
Congratulations on your passion! Perhaps someday you’ll be able to combine it with knowing what the fuck you’re talking about.
These are just off the top of my head. And for the record… I’m not always in such a disagreeable mood, just most of the time. Please continue this list in the comments section below.
And I’ll see you guys again tomorrow!
Now playing in the bunker
Follow Jeff on Twitter and Facebook
The Qweezy Mark says
Thanks for “FaceBooking” me and asking “What’s up?” even though we have not had any contact for over 35 years!
Joe T. says
How about “What’s up dickhead?”
Tee Hee Hee
Congratulations on having a beautiful baby girl! Have her call me in 18 years.
Nobody gives a shit that our dimwitted son/daughter got into college.
Stop posting the same drunken pictures of you and your friends every weekend. Yeah, we get it, you have a “cool” life. And a liver the size of Alcatraz.
QUit it with the obscure comments. “Something’s going to crash and burn!” doesn’t make you sound mystical. It’s a pathetic plea for attention.
I’m guilty of just about everything on there, but it’s facebook so I will neither stop, nor be offended when others mock me.
I don’t do the inspirational crap though, or diseases. Fuck that. And I don’t repost when “I’m sure none of my REAL friends will post this…” If you had real friends you wouldn’t have to post this shit on Facebook.
And fuck you for being blessed.
And last of all that kid who you had when you were 17 and has ruined your life because you couldn’t go to college until you were 34 or because you married his/her dipshit father or because you are in jail because you didn’t pay child support or left them chained to a crib while you went out and got drunk is not the best thing that ever happened to you. It is quite possibly the worst thing that ever happened to you. Don’t get a fucking neck tattoo to remind us of your mistake.
You know what the best thing that ever happened to you should have been, using birth control, or at least flinging yourself down a flight of stairs.
JeffInDenver (InCleveland) says
Defenestration is underrated.
I’m whining about something you would read in a bad Hallmark card.
I’m not giving details, but please give me supportive remarks.
That one inspirational quote you posted earlier today? Should not have been followed by 5 more. Knock that crap off.
Also, take it from me, capitalizing every single word in your post isn’t necessary, or is it correct. Knock that crap off too.
I was really angry [and under medicated] that day. Sorry.
Tagging yourself in your own post, clearly we know who posted it you fuckttard.
And liking your own post. Clearly you wouldn’t have posted it if you didn’t like it, numbnut.
I haven’t seen or talked to you in 10 years and now we’re Facebook friends so we can continue to have zero interaction.
Jeff Kay: Too crotchety for facebook
T. Farty McAppleass says
Oh, you “hate Mondays”? Why not tell us about it, every fucking Monday you shallow cunt.
Stop posting pictures of your motherfucking food, idiots.
Stop posting vague post to get attention responses: “Oh God. I don’t know if I can live through this.” you cunt, so that your cunty friends say, “OMG girl, what’s wrong?”
Don’t post something to one person in public. For example, “OMG. Last night and this morning was cray-cray. Cunty Misty knows what I’m talking about!” Just STFU already.
Stop posting a bunch of shit about your love for God and the Jesus way of life, you cunt. I personally know what a shameless cum whore you are and confirmed it as recently as yesterday. God Bless.
Have your fights at home like everyone else, you stupid assholes.
T Farty said the “C” word.
I love you!
I never thought that I would hate a FB post MORE than someone posting their food before they eat it. I was wrong. Now there are people posting their food and THEN posting the empty plate AFTER the eat it. I truly wish I was joking about this.
Uncle Buzz in Wheeling says
Damn, Jeff, if I didn’t know better I’d say you were channeling George Carlin.
I’m a bit techy meself, no doubt due to this idiot, lie-filled election campaign. Enough to piss anyone off.
On a positive note, Raylan Givens is coming back, hopefully ASAP.
Hallelujah! I’m in need of a Justified fix.
AnD sToP tHiS bUlLsHiT tOo.
I can’t imagine why your spouse left you after posting every little detail of every fight you idiots had. Especially after you called him a dirty drug dealing piece of shit.
I know – what the fuck is up with the alternating caps? Isn’t that a lot of trouble for nuthin’?
Lucie in Tampa says
my boyfriend does that shit & it drives me fucking crazy!
I’m sure glad I don’t have to wait until your pathetic annual holiday card to read about the successes and trials of you and your ugly family.
Or you sign on to Facebook only to be greeted by some ominous message: “Jack needs a liver” only to find out the douche bucket is playing “Angry Farmer In The Fucking Dell”
If she’s never used dial-up, she’s too fucking young for you, bro.
And stop posting the faux lesbo pictures of you and your girlfriends grabbing tits at some bar. You either eat pussy or you don’t, and if you do then THAT’S what we want to see.
Lucie in Tampa says
So when you were blessed with that beautiful son 16 years ago at 8:17 on a glorious misty morning, did you realize he’d grow up to be a zitty member of the marching band with no hope of ever getting a date?
Lucie in Tampa says
hey my kid was born @ 8:17!!!! LOL! His zits are clearing up & he has plenty of girlfriends 🙂
Bill in WV says
Thank you for wishing me and everyone else sweet dreams for the 19th day this month (today is the 21st). Now go masturbate yourself to orgasm and go to fucking bed.
You DO know that RANTING every ten MINUTES about someone’s UNBELIEVABLE stupidity makes YOU seem BATSHIT CRAZY, right?
So stop it. But please post your final manifesto because that might be a fairly entertaining way for us to remember you.
And by the way, if you’re smarter than every politician, professor, and published author in the known world, why exactly is it that you work on and off as a cable guy?
Oh and one more thing, that wonderful sweet woman you are so blessed to be “in a relationship” with is now reading all the anti-women vitriol you’ve spewed daily for the past several years. Good luck with that.
Brenda Love says
My pet peeves are 10,000 political posts….you are totally NOT going to change my mind about anything.
If you are posting something outrageous, please check Snopes first.
Try to limit it to about 5 statuses per day….I’ve been guilty before too but some folks do this every single day.
Stop changing your relationship status more than you change underwear.
If your relationship status changes more than once in a month it should default to “unstable”.
I unsubscribe to anyone who really annoys me. Five posts in a row? Good-bye!
Please read Snopes.com. It is your friend.
Allowing your son to pee on the dog (because you don’t like the dog anyway) isn’t funny, it’s animal abuse. Give the dog to a decent home.
It’s been snowing for over a week and the temps are averaging 20 below zero. Driving to church in that mess (and scolding others for not following suit) does not make you a Super Christian. It makes you a frigging moron. Get over yourself.
He’s not your “Soul Mate”. You’re just easy.
Look…it’s too bad you have genital warts but I can’t help you with any of that. And no I don’t need any more goddamn pictures of your ‘area’.
Good luck on your decision to become a mortician. You’ve always been suited to be around dead people.
Yeah…I know Cindy left you. I’ve been banging her for a month.
Ex-felons can’t vote so stop with your political ramblings asshole.
I really don’t care how you’ve, “gone green” and only ride the bus or your bike. I hope you get ‘handrail herpes’ or get run over by a bus while you’re riding your bike.
Follow me. Bitches.
This is a genuine non-ironic, out-of-pure-curiousity question……Why in heaven’s name do you guys use facebook and put up with this drivel? There must be pretty stunning content that compels you to hang out in facebookland rather than, say, watch reruns of Night Court or get laid.
OK, just curious.
I put up with Facebook because I live in Italy and my friends and family live in the US. It’s a great way to keep up with things if you don’t mind sifting through the bullshit (which I’m getting very adept at). Sometimes it’s funny as shit and sometimes I want to stick pins in my eyes. Every day is a crap shoot.
I deactivated my account because of all the aforementioned boolshit.
Betty White was right – it is the biggest waste of time!
People who bitch that they don’t use facebook should have sex with the people who say they don’t watch tv. Get over it. If we didn’t love the internet we wouldn’t be here.
I am not interested in your 12-step program. Join AA if you must, but nobody wants to hear about it.
Rick in the UK says
OMG! Look what interesting/crazy thing senator/congresscritter said/did about/to their/other team! This serves to prove my existing confirmation bias so splendidly!
Friggin’ sheep. Roll on election day so all you political-for-two-months-every-four-years motherhumpers have a nice cup of sit down and shut the fuck up.
OK, if we’re not going to use the reply feature I can live with that.
Saying that Facebook = the Internet suggests that you might just need to take a few steps back from Facebook. Saying that Facebook = TV manages to miss the point of both the Web(s) AND TV.
In any case, I’m continually astounded by how much personal information people are willing to provide to Facebook and other Web information companies, and, by doing that, to provide to the predators and other honiacs who populate the virtual world.
Root 66 says
Agreed, Mr. Basket. Folks post a lot of very personal thoughts and actions on Facebook. It’s a predator’s dream-come-true, not to mention: hiring managers, worker’s comp investigators, lawyers, etc.
It baffles me to no end the amount of information people are willing to “put out there” forever! Put that stuff in a diary, or something. Sheesh!
Lucie in Tampa says
“Oh thanks for posting all the God/ Angels/ Jesus stuff you Hyporcristian (new word I just made up Fun!) I know how you really live sooooo…. “
Ruthless Dee says
Constantly tell the world how much you love your children and that they are your whole life. How about turning around and noticing that those kids are right there and would love some attention.