Residents of the Upper Perogie Belt enjoyed a fantastic fake spring this weekend. Toney hates when I call it “fake,” but I remember early March during years past. And I know there’s a good chance we’ll have snow up to our crapshafts again, by the middle of next week.
But, man, it was extra-nice on Saturday. We took Andy (Snoop Manny Mann) to the park, and had an extended walk amongst other folks with the exact same idea.
It was great, but a little strange. It felt like mid-April outside, yet everything’s still wintered-up and shriveled-down. The temperature and smell in the air told us flowers should be in bloom, and the grass a-growing. But it’s still deader than last week’s “ambitious but doable” task list for the weekend.
Andy and his fellow doggie citizens stayed busy text-messaging each other, by slinging urine across everything upright.
“See there? He’s answering his email,” I explained to Toney and the boys, as our dog let-loose a pulsating jet against the side of a decorative planter. A middle-aged man and woman walked past as I was providing this lesson, and didn’t appear to fully understand.
One of my favorite things about the First Nice Weekend, is the way people try to will it to be warmer than it really is. Know what I mean? They go around in shorts and flip-flops and pretend it’s July — while trying to hide the fact they’re gritting their teeth against the brisk Canadian ice-wind blowing straight up their cooters.
There used to be a similar phenomenon associated with the First Genuinely Warm Weekend. After the temps edged into the mid-80s for several days in a row, you could count on returning to work and finding several people (usually women in their early 20s) sporting fire engine-red sunburns. They’d be shuffling around with their arms away from their bodies, like weightlifters, and shrieking in pain every time they encountered a slight breeze or change in temperature.
But that’s pretty much a thing of the past, since we now know that simply walking near a window on a sunny day can kick-off a cancer jamboree. I kinda miss it… it was part of the changing of seasons, all that cancer-triggering.
And this is, like, one of the worst updates ever. I can’t get it going, my friends. I’m struggling, and building massive run-on sentences here. I don’t know what’s wrong with me…
I’m just going to leave you now with a Question or two, and hopefully you guys can salvage this mess. I’d like to know how you rank the seasons, from favorite to least favorite. Here’s how I’d do it:
I prefer the transition times, over the full-on undiluted dosage. And I like cold better than hot, so you can probably understand my list. What about yours? Use the comments section below.
Also, what are some other sure-fire signs that spring or summer has arrived? Besides the girls with Monday morning lobster skin? Let’s start a list, shall we?
And I’ll try this again tomorrow. Sweet sainted mother of Bugs Meany!
Have a great day.
Fall – Halloween, the only holiday worth celebrating, even though it’s usually cold and rainy by then.
Spring – Makes you feel like maybe you might not have to kill yourself after all. Lasts about one week
Summer – Makes you think maybe you shouldn’t have changed your mind back in April.
Winter – Crying in closet with blanket over your head.
I live in Northern Illinois though, so it’s really my own fault.
How do you do the tm thing??
Winter – skiing, holidays, whisky, heavy food, no yardwork.
Fall – finally some relief from the heat. Imperial stout trumps raking leaves.
Spring – nice weather, but the Steamer looms ahead. Ants in the house.
Summer – hot as balls, and humid. Mosquitos. Fix the AC again. At least there’s Weissbier.
Re: units of measure, I’m an engineer and so have to be bilingual. Not everyone can afford the luxury of saying ‘screw you and your silly meters’. There is life outside the US; go and look.
PS – ‘Fahrenheit’ sounds kinda German to me…
Willie Williams says
Now that was my kind of update. A couple of great one liners and you got the commenters getting all uppity with each other.
I just loved Tiff’s “Hotter than Satan’s ass-crack” line. That is going to get thrown out a whole lot this summer.
So many Summer haters! I don’t like high humidity either. But I love swimming in cool fresh water.
I love all the seasons and in Ohio we get the best of every kind of weather.
Summer:Jungle heat and humidity,
Spring:Monsoon rains and flooding, Beautiful flowers and flowering trees
Winter:Siberian cold and snowfall,Beautiful white landscapes and cozy evenings under the blanket.
And Ahh the best of all Fall with the crisp cool air and the smell of leaves and spooky Halloween!
Trisha aka Mrs. Wally says
Holy Baboon Hemroids, Batman! Robin would love that monkey!
I hate being hot and I can deal with being cold. I kind of like going out and steering the snowblower through 8 inches of new snow.
So why do I rank Summer ahead of winter? Easy. I can more easily escape the heat by retreating to the bottom of a large or even smallish body of water for up to 90 minutes at a time where it’s nice and cool.
Or I can just retreat into a nice cool, dehumidified house (where every day is no pants day) or business and stay perfectly comfortable.
The cold is just too hard to get away from. I am rarely ever cold, but it seems like most of the time I never get warm in the winter.
Signs of Spring: Landscaping flyers and soliciations start arriving by the pallet load. Lowes and Home Depot garden centers are full of plants that won’t survive a night out yet and people are carrying them out to the parking lot in steady streams.
My basement starts to leak as run off is unable to be fully absorbed into the still frozen ground and is instead driven through the cinderblock foundation by hydrostatic pressure.
I switch from my Carhartt coat to a shell with fleece liner.
I put my Sorrels in the basement and run the snowblower out of gas.
I don’t care, it takes 4.5 quarts when I have to change the oil filter!
Boy everyone is getting their knickers in a bunch over this metricfornication.
It’s easy, look! Metric and Celsius is base-10. Pretty fuckin’ dull if you ask me. 10 millimeters is a centimeter and 1000 meters is a kilometer. Snore! They also think that 0 degrees is freezing and 100 degrees is boiling. Dull dull dull dull!
Our system of measurment make much more sense! 1760 yards to the mile or 5280 feet. Easy-peasey! There are 256 tablespoons to a gallon or four quarts(korts) which we all know is made up of 8 gills or 192 teaspoons each. Everyone knows that! Inches are divided as smaill as you need. a 1/8 inch is just that. Geez it’s right in your wrench set, right? 12 inches to a foot. 3 feet to a yard. 1760 feet to the mile! Simple, see? Now get off this silly base-10 crap and let’s just all stay with the easy one. By the way, don’t shorten my pint to 16 ounces. I want an Imperial pint with all 20 ounces
I measure distance in minutes.
“How far away is Moe’s?”
“About 12 minutes. Faster if you have to pee really badly.”
Joe T. says
When I was a kid, I knew spring/summer was here when my Mom would let me wear my spring jacket instead of the winter coat. I knew then, that I would not catch pneumonia.
Since moving south and away from the four seasons
there is but one thing I miss:
The smell of the forest in fall.
Can someone please bottle that smell?
Or at least something with “fall interludes”
I know it is decomposition, but it smells great!
jim britton says
The comment device keeps deleting my reply.
™ is ALT key, then 0153.
® is ALT key, then numeric keys 0174.
Google “character keys”.
jim britton says
1 mile = 5280 feet, no?
Didn’t friggen work.
@Jim Britton, Yea I noticed that mistake too, after posting it. So it should have read, 1760 YARDS to the mile
It stays over 100 degrees for a full 5 months here, and that sucks more than I can express.
bino from NH says
Hell, at least he didn’t spiral down into a fucked up music review….now THAT would have been a shitty update. As it stands–this one is only a “lesser” effort than usual. Hang in there Jeff, everybody has an off day—it is important however to keep your focus and not runoff into fucked up insane musical jags as a crutch. Any update that involves slinging urine at least has some merit. At least that’s what I’ve always been told.
I’d go with:
I dislike spring the most because everything’s so freaking soggy and it can’t decide whether it’s warm or cold out and vacillates between the two. Fall wins hands down because there’s nothing like that crisp air, the smell of a campfire or fireplace, hot apple cider and beautiful trees. Good stuff.
I suffer major allergies in both Fall and Winter, but at least fall isn’t so ass-cold all the time.
Don’t ever forget either that a rod is 5.5 yards or 16.5 feet, a league is precisely the distance a horse or human can walk in one hour (?!?) A hogshead is 63 gallons and a firkin is one third of a tun (which is 252 US gallons per tun and 84 for a firkin) unless you are buying a firkin of soap or butter which would be 64 or 56 lbs. respectively.
Thumbs, stones, hands, cubits.
Taiwan On says
I think the topper for this comment session is pee-mail vs. e-mail. Thanks @ 2 tall. And Jeff, all future Andy references to urine commuication have to use pee-mail.
Otherwise, one guinea and a farthing penalty. Per hectare.
Pickles the Clown says
I hate when my hands crack and bleed in the winter from the cold dry air.
Fall is by far the best!
Watching the WV mountains turn beautiful colors!
Lighting the fireplace!
Killing large and small tasty creatures in the woods!
Summer is the worst!
Sweating in a jacket and tie!
Sweating in shorts!
Sweating while having sex!
Sweating while not having sex!
Sweating while sleeping!
Skully, Personally I enjoy sweating while having sex.
It’s that whole, “I feel like I’m in an oven” thing that happens here in the valley all summer long.
Lew in Bama says
WOW….that is one helluva coin slot on the old bunker cam.
Grillmate Montreal Steak Rub
Fresh Ground Pepper
Wisey in Ttown says
Bugs Meany….nice Encyclopedia Brown reference. I love it.
More Fun with Imperial Measurements!
7.92 Inches = 1 Link
25 Links = 1 Rod (sometimes called poles)
4 Rods = 1 Chain
80 Chains = 1 Mile
Skully, I am with you on the hating the sweating thing…ugh.
Bugs Meany! Love it! Haven’t thought about Encyclopedia Brown in a coon’s age.
For the record:
I actually like Fall and Spring weather pretty equally, but Spring is so much more work with planting, grass mowing, etc. Funk dat.
We would call kilometers, km… Canuck miles.
Learned the old get close conversion years ago for Cels. to Ferh. Double cels and add 32 or…minus 32 from ferh and halve that going the other way.
@Lew, it’s only a coinslot if it’s a chick. That’s just plumber butt.
Spring peepers, a sure sign of Spring, until the March snowstorm buries them.
I’m a sun lover.