I went into the local Borders store this past weekend, and it was pretty depressing. As I’m sure you’re aware, the entire chain is closing down, and the stores are in the beginning stages of liquidation. And, man, that place was being plundered.
Yeah, it was full of scavengers, which irritates me. But the sad part is the fact that our local store seemed to do really well. It was a vibrant place. The coffee shop was always full, there were folks browsing in every aisle, and the checkout line was almost always long. From what I could tell, they were doing a healthy business.
Now the café is closed and full of junk, all the computers are turned off, and the customer service desk in the middle of the store is a catch-all for empty boxes and miscellaneous garbage — completely abandoned and employee-free. In fact, I only saw one non-cashier worker there, and she was dressed in TV-watching “aw, screw it” clothes.
I mean, what are they going to do, fire her?
My conscience is clear (relatively speaking), because I bought a lot of books in that store, and magazines, too. I probably made at least one purchase per month, often more. Not huge dollar amounts, but I feel like I did my part. And a lot of other people did as well. I don’t think the Upper Perogie Belt was the problem.
And it made me sad in my gut to walk through that place and see it so neglected and desperate. Most of the shelves were a mess, and the newsstand looked like a busload of epileptics had gone-off simultaneously there, earlier in the day. Everything was whipped-up and radically mixed together. Good luck finding something specific in that 52 Card Pickup cluster-copulation…
I hated to see Circuit City go down the crapper, too. And I despised Circuit City. I had a fondness for Borders, which makes it a difficult thing to watch. I know it was a chain store, and we’re supposed to hate all such places, but I enjoyed spending time at Borders. And I’m going to miss it once the carcass has been picked clean, and it collapses into the soil.
Big news: Toney and Nancy are no longer talking, because Toney told her that she and Nostrils are “crazy.” It’s a little more complicated than that, but Nancy basically didn’t care for Toney’s choice of words.
The story in a nutshell: Eninen bought a tiny “cottage” near the university where they work, once they returned to North (or is it South?) Carolina. It’s roughly 750 square feet, and cost a fortune. So, there are five of them and a whole passel of animals living in a tiny house they can’t afford.
Recently, they got fired-up and decided to move to the ‘burbs, where their money would go a lot farther. They found a roomy new-construction home that cost less than their historic and charming bungalow, and they started the process of buying it. They also put their current house up for rent, and immediately found someone who was willing to sign a one-year lease.
However… Nancy hates all things common, and has a GIANT problem with the suburbs. She began whining and complaining, until Nossy couldn’t take it anymore. They tried to back out of both deals – the purchase of the house and the lease agreement – but it couldn’t be done. The renter refused to budge, and they would lose too much money if they pulled the plug on the house.
So, instead of moving to the new place in the suburbs, Nancy is insisting that they lease a third house in town, and put the new construction place up for rent, as well. They’ll be paying two mortgages and a monthly rent, because Nancy doesn’t want any of her colleagues to think she’s common. And because they acted impulsively.
Toney listened to all this, and told Nancy that she and Nostrils are “crazy.” Nancy was deeply offended by this blunt assessment of the situation, and they had a big argument. As of right now… they’re not speaking to each other.
Pass the beer nuts.
On Saturday I found myself caught-up in yet another hashtag game at Twitter. This one was #BadTigerBeatStories, and seemed to take off after comedian Patton Oswalt became involved. For a couple of hours I was in a full-on frenzy. Here are my offerings:
Free Poster of a Decomposing Cow!
Win a Date with Harry Dean Stanton!
Meet Larry Jonas, the other brother: “I ain’t sashaying around like some fag.”
Panty Shopping with Joyce Carol Oates!
How to set warehouse fires, and never get caught!
All the Borgnine deets!
Inside: Ruth Buzzi Eats a Lightbulb!
Win a private pool party with the cast of Pawn Stars!
Danny Bonaduce on how to get vomit out of velour
How to parlay your vagina into a life of leisure
Coolest and Sexiest Teen Smokers!
Kevin Jonas: How I Whipped Butt Acne
Spackling a Shower Wall with an Ugly Stranger Who Drives a Fritos Truck
Justin Explains Why He Keeps His Poop in a Jar
The boys from Los Lobos talk manscaping!
Lyle Lovett: “Ketchup Was Never My Favorite.”
Ugly Travels in Packs: Tips for Back to School
If you’d like to continue this questionable exercise, please use the comments link below. And, if not, feel free to weigh in on any of the other subjects. You know… there are no real rules around here.
I’ll be back tomorrow, boys and girls.
See you then!
Now playing in the bunker
Crossroads Road for your Kindle: just $2.99!
Exclusive Inside: Jo Anne Worley Hairstyle Tips
OK, I didn’t get the Tiger Beat thing, but I know who Jo Anne Worley is.
The Secret Lives of Crazy Cat Ladies
crap. not first again.
Chuck in Belpre says
Don Rickles Tai Chi Classes
Loose Your Fear of the English Language
Romanian MILFs – A Photo Essay
Swami Bologna says
I hope Nancy and Toney patch things up, at least before Christmas — my life would be just a little bit less fulfilling if I didn’t get an N’n’N update every once in a while. And speaking of that, where the heck is the super-secret update of the last Eninen visit?
I was going to ask the same thing….so I second this comment.
3rd!!!! Because Jeff doesn’t have enough to do as it is 🙂
Please, please, please, please, please, please, please can we have the super-secret Eninen update?
Phantom Railfan says
–Davy Jones Shocker: I’m Living With Incotinence
–Amy Winehouse Gives Tips on Clean Living
–BEATLE WIFE FIGHT!!! Yoko vs. Linda: Exclusive Pit-Hair-Pulling Details!
–Free Jim Nabors songbook
–Hanson Tour Cancelled! Seven Pages of Empty Arenas.
–Roy Clark’s Desperate Hair-Transplant. Can He Avoid the Rug?
–Justin Bieber admits: I Don’t Know About The Clitoris
–Champagne Music Shocker: Lawrence Welk hires electric bassist!
For some reason, “Free Jim Nabors songbook” is really cracking me up.
The more you talk about Nancy, the more she reminds me of my ex-wife. She and the whole family have this “image” they need to maintain, despite the fact that there is absolutely nothing special about them. Not a college degree in the bunch, no one ever served in the military, no fame, no fortune, just a bunch of snoots.
The big joke was that the ex would always say she was from “The San Francisco Bay Area”….. Yeah, that bit down at the end by the big garbage dump.
Dr buford says
All the Borgnine deets! Heh!
Going to lunch…but thought of this one:
Tear-out Page Section: 2-Part Choreography by Paula Abdul….Before and After Pain Killers.
I’ll be back…
Harry Dean Stanton and Jim Varney went to the same High School in Lexington, KY;
– The Long Anticpated Moe Howard Pin Up
– Peter Tork’s Used Dental Floss – Color photos!
– Crying and Uncontrolled rage – Take the Quiz!
– The 48 hour Whiskey and St. Joseph’s Children’s Aspirin Diet – How Foxy Brown lost 38 pounds!
I still miss the closing of Woolworth’s. And another “variety store” called Ben Franklin’s closed in my town. Not sure how big of a chain they were but they had EVERYTHING. Very old fashioned and nostalgic.
I remember Ben Franklin’s. One in Gaithersburg. Also, one of a kind was Bruce’s Variety in G-burg as well. Where ya’ at?
I’m in New York. I think there’s still a big Ben Franklins in New jersey – Lavalette I believe close to Seaside Heights (where they film that show “Jersey Shore”).
Anyone remember Shraffts?
I mourn the closing of Ben Franklins. I also spent a lot of time at my local Borders. Listening to music at the CD stations. Drinking coffee and reading my favorite magazines (which also are falling by the wayside) It was one of the things that I loved to do! AND I just paid 20.00 to be on the special Border’s buyer’s plan GRRRRR.
I used to do my part for Borders as well; usually in spurts, especially around the holidays. But as I walked out of our local Borders this past Saturday – with the rest of the great unwashed that were picking over the carcass – and with 5 new books to read, all I could think about was that I could have gotten all 5 books for about half the cost on eBay. See – that’s where I “let down” Borders in the last 5 years: I started shopping on eBay for a good chunk of my reading pleasure (the rest went to Amazon). It was easily obvious which of the two (eBay or Borders) would have the cheapest prices, the most variety and which was more easily searchable (especially for older and possibly out-of-print books). I suspect Barnes & Noble will be in the same boat within 5 years.
I got nuthin’. I don’t even understand the topic or know what Tiger Beat is.
Did anyone else have trouble getting to the site from 6-11 today, or was it just the IT nerds catching up with me again? I had found a way to get there without going to the library.
Borders crashed and burned here about 4 months ago.
Chuck in Belpre says
Tiger Beat is a music magazine kinda like People mag for tween girls.
I had some trouble getting on this morning. Tolt Jeff about it on facebook. Apparently it was some kind of server bullshittery.
Me too about getting on. Just figured the Russian Porn guy was at it again or the Bunker blew a breaker. Then I got paranoid. So I called Jeff and he told me to go fuck myself and I knew all was right with the world.
The number Jeff gave ME was disconnected. Bastard.
Chuck in Belpre says
Flash Drive! – Hiding porn from your parents
I misread Drive! as Drivel.
Gotta get new glasses.
Flash Drivel opens a beautiful world of possibilities.
In the days before ubiquitous computers, I used to use a “tripe-writer”.
I used one with removable balls. I think it was called a serectal.
You know, that might have been Seletric.
Ooh, a Selectric II – fancy stuff. I used my dad’s full-sized manual Royal.
My dad’s was full-sized as well. Another argument against Greg Mendel and his pee experiments.
hot fuzz says
Speaking of balls…the Classic link? geez Jeff, I was having breakfast when I opened it….too much in terms of balls and man ass…don’t get me wrong…a nice tight ass and balls that don’t look like oranges in pantyhose are ok…wait…where’s everyone going?
Tipsey McChugney says
Exclusive: Johnny Thunders Spotted in KY Borders
Free Mirror Zit Popping Bulls-Eyes in this issue.
Top 10 Excuses for Cum Stains…give us yours.
Teen Stars Who Refuse to Die
What to do When Your Mom Likes You Do.
Justin Bieber on Living with Herpes
Lief Garret Killed Amy Winehouse from His Grave
Scott Baio on Living with Sexual Dysfunction
Why Your Dad Likes Your Girlfriends
-Colon Health, Shit your way out of emotional prison.
-DIY Schizophrenia treatment.
-How to show your fucking face in 2013 if you’re Mayan.
-Men with beards, can they be trusted?
-Model railroading and masturbation, you CAN do both.
-Pekingese men and their ugly faces.
-Construct bullet proofish vest from used milk cartons.
-Have your ass beat by a man wear high heels.
-Carrot Top the Antichrist.
-Safe ways to consume silica gel packets.
-Men who wouldn’t mind fucking Ellen DeGeneres.
-Open toed shoes for the everyday man.
-17th Century Medical Techniques using things from your kitchen.
I’m a Boarders fan too. The one at our local mall is just like the one you described, except there never was a coffee shop in there. Sad.
hot fuzz says
Open toed shoes for everyday man? Can I just say men have nothing to show off with their feet? Ladies absolutely yes but guys? socks and shoes please! And not those little ankle socks…my daughter wears those. I always look forward to spring when ladies break out their sandals again…and then some douchebag in flip flops ruins it for me.
We actually had one of our senior consultants show up at a customer site wearing Bermuda shorts and flip flops. The customer’s CIO called our President for an explanation. We’re North America’s largest supplier of outsourced IT services with clients that include Insurance companies, banks, Homeland Security, many many more and our president has to explain flip flops. Asshat. Douchenozzle. Prickezoid.
Bikerchick, where’s the pic of you in red FMPs? I need something to take my mind off the above and man-feet. 🙂
If you bought a shit load of books from them, would you be considered a “Border Hoarder?”
hot fuzz says
If I drove down from Canada would I be a Cross-Border Border Hoarder?
Warden Gorden Borden was a Border Hoarder.
Hey, I just might like the pool party with the Pawn Stars!! I got stuff they might want to buy!
Toney is right. They ARE crazy. what happens if they can’t keep the places rented? Sheeesh.
P.S. Our Borders was always busy too and I really hate to see it go.
The sad part is that if N&N keep doing this, they may become real estate moguls. If that ever happened, you’d have to call them “eccentric” instead of “crazy”, like Donald Trump’s family does.
The only thing Eninen are going to do is wind up bankrupt, the idiots.
Gordion Knott says
Much as I’d appreciate the comedic value, I doubt that N&N will go through with the zany plan. We’re talking about major risks here, of a real-estatin’ nature:
-750 sq ft home w/ mortgage. Most likely salable at a small profit, but close to breaking even. High probability of going down in value along with the decline of nationwide real estate.
-New suburb house w/ mortgage: Likely to decline with nationwide real estate price drop. Could soon be underwater on mortgage. Tough to rent to cover mortgage.
-Third rental property: no risk here, but a heavy financial burden.
The above is all speculative, of course, but the scenario means finding a second tenant for the suburban house, and even then barely breaking even on the mortgage. This might work in a rising real estate market, but given the falloff in prices it’s a risky scheme altogether. Toney’s description as “crazy” is apt.
Was the suburban home on Crossroads Rd.?
Mastication with braces: what you need to know.
Masculine nail polish: The new craze.
Insults and the law: how far can you go?
When do your children stop being your pets?
Dog fights at home: first aid tips.
Emotional blackmail and how to profit from it.
The Best Bathing Suit for Your Body Type by Julia Child
Haunting or Schizophrenia? A Quiz for the Voices!
Helping Your Loved One Prevent Under-Flab Fungus, from the Experts At Chubby Chasers International
Is This Normal? A Scratch ‘N’ Sniff Guide to Your Body
The story makes sense, but let’s be clear: nobody can yodel like Pearl Bodine. Jimmie Rodgers tried and died.
It sounds like you experienced a little blue yodel yourself.
Win Lindsay Lohans’s Vomit!
Sexting Behind Your Boyfriend’s Back
Bieber: My Anal Fetish
TrueTigerStories: My Dad is Dating Paul Stanley!
Tour Rebecca Black’s Bathroom!
Kirk Cameron Tells All About “Mr. Thicke”
Pills Your Mother Chops and Snorts
Why No One Likes You (If Your Parents Aren’t Rich)
OMG! Vodka in Your Squeezy Bottle!!
Cutting Yourself in One Easy Step!
About Your Boyfriend’s Crunchy Socks
Kid Cudi Donkey Punched Me- Exclusive!
I don’t know much about Tiger Beat, but I’m concerned that the Jonas Brother on the right has blood running into his left eyebrow from a recent scalp wound.
I have no idea how many spare Jonases there are, but he should have that looked at nonetheless.
Chuck in Belpre says
Joss Stone – Am I Too Subtle?
I’m sad to see Borders close, too. The one down the street from my work has this huge, GOING OUT OF BUSINESS SALE, banner across the front. Now where can I go to kill my lunch hour? Target? I already have enough crap.
Based on your story, I would say that Toney’s assessment of the Eninen situation is spot on. I mean, WTF? So they’re just going to float 3-4 homes? I should introduce Nancy to my sister-in-law. They’d be like the Wonder Twins of Cuckoo. Maybe they could carpool to bankruptcy court.
My sister in Florida is just as nuts with money. A few years ago, they buy a house for about $250K, no money down (100% finance). 30 year loan, the first 10 years is interest only, then changes to a 20 year conventional. Real good business sense there, Gomer.
Housing market tanks and their house loses about 1/3 of market value.
Sister kicks out husband and gets all of the following in divorce settlement:
$1,250.00 per month house payment for 10 years.
$1,800.00 per month child support (3 kids). Decreases as the kids turn 18.
$500.00 per month alimony for life, unless she remarries.
$86,000.00 lump sum, half of his 401-K.
She withdraws most of the 401-K money, pays the taxes, plus the penalties and buys a Mustang GT convertible and size DD tits.
Two of the kids turn 18, so the child support drops to $600.00 per month. Oldest gets 100% free ride scholarship to college because she is 4.0 GPA, the second one moves in with my parents and commutes to college from Grandpa’s house. No sure who is paying the tuition, I did not ask, and I don’t want to know.
Ex-husband loses his job, gets unemployment for several months, then gets a new job that pays about $40K less per year, so back to court about 5 times.
Meanwhile, she bums money from my parents because she is broke. Ends up turning the house back over to the ex-husband and gives up the alimony to entice him to take it. The only reason he takes the house back is because she stopped making the payment and it would have gone to foreclosure ruining his credit.
So now, he is stuck with a house with the mortgage about $80K under water and my sister must go live with a boy friend because she has no income.
I could write for a soap opera any time.
well…at least the boyfriend gets to play with some brand new titties…
Chuck in Belpre says
Hope he doesn’t have high blood pressure.
Thought the same thing SeanInSac..DDs can be a good investment at first but the market can sag after a while and a remodel might be too costly. And the structure might not be worthy of it. Some people do have a tendency to over build.
Damn good points.
Both of you.
The whole notion of being underwater on fake breasts might be the tipping point that will cause a major rewrite of micro-economic text books.
I held back on my cheap idea of calling this a titting point.
Macro Economic Titting Points
Dan…I stand corrected and chuckling…jtb
They live in Chapel Hill, I’m convinced of it. SUPER high prices, full of hippies (not that there’s anything wrong with that), and within spitting distance of any NUMBER Of pop-up developments.
I’ll miss Borders. Many a Christmas shopping dollar went to that store.
My Borders is going out too. Guess I’ll have to look elsewhere for my mid-January half-off calendar purchases.
Michale Bolton…”Nobody Likes Me”
Ashley Twins…Guess Which One is Gay
Tiffany…”I live in a mall parking lot”
First Date…Hand Job or Blow Job?
Root 66 says
Never seen a “Tiger Beat” Mag…so I’m in uncharted territory! But I’ll give it try:
EXCLUSIVE! Amy Winehouse Scratch-N-Sniff Funeral Photos!
Binge and Purge…it’s not just for breakfast anymore!
Poster Inside–America’s Most Wanted (Disney Channel Edition)
Special Offer–Demi Lovato Ginsu Knife Set
hot fuzz says
I’ve got nothing on the Tiger Beat stuff either. At least nothing original. And nothing nearly as funny as what you’ve written here, guys. Good stuff.
I’m watching a movie with Jason Priestly and Lou Diamond Phillips. It’s like watching a younger DeNiro and Richard Burton in their prime, I tell you!!!
Patton Oswalt…”I’m Not That Kind of Gay.”
Bonnie Franklin…”Ill never work with junkies again”, and tells why.
Debbie Boone…”God Fucked Up My Career.”
Some Guy on the Innernets says
Tiger Beat is still a going concern? Amazing. Kind of like skateboarding, it does not seem to get uncool to the new kids.
Cruising the CD racks at Hastings: Always a bad idea?
Too bad outfits like Borders are too full of MBAs to be able to figure out how to sell the successful stores to some corporation created for the purpose before going under. It ain’t rocket science.