I thought we were going to lose our beloved Black Lips Houlihan a few days ago, but he bounced back and is better than ever. He had another “episode” last week, and I was convinced he’d suffered a stroke. He collapsed, fired off about three shit missiles in quick succession, vomited, and briefly lost consciousness. When he woke up again, he just stayed in one spot for a long time and panted. The whole family was surrounding him, and tears were shed.
But… within an hour or so, he got up and started walking around. He drank water, and seemed to be coming out of it a bit. About two hours later he went up the stairs (which seemed impossible earlier in the evening), and fell asleep on his blanket.
The next day he remained on the blanket for a long time. We couldn’t coax him out of the bedroom, so he wasn’t totally OK. Something was still askew. But, he eventually got up and rejoined us downstairs. And he’s been fine ever since. I think it was that doggie vertigo the vet talked to us about last time. It’s weird, and terrifying. I’m definitely not a fan.
He’s doing great now, though. He barked at the mailman a little while ago, and eats like normal. He’s begging for food, and going up and down stairs like a champion. He could still use a Tic Tac, but that’s beside the point.
For the record, Andy will be 16 on June 1. I don’t want to get cocky, but I think he’ll make it.
I finished watching Breaking Bad a couple of weeks ago. I ripped through the entire five seasons in maybe a month and a half? I’m not sure, but it was quick. Some nights I’d watch three episodes, while sitting on my big riffled ass, with my right arm buried to the hilt in a ludicrously large chips sack. Yes, I’m nothing short of an accomplishment factory at this point.
In any case, it was great. One of the best shows ever, right? I’d put it in the same category as The Sopranos and The Wire. No way to rank those programs, because they’re all close to perfect. The Wire didn’t have as much humor as the other two, but it certainly wasn’t humor-free.
What are your thoughts on the Greatest Non-Sitcom Shows of All-Time? If you bring sitcoms into it, it becomes another conversation altogether. So, let’s leave ‘em out, for the time being. Please use the comments section to share your opinions.
I’ve also been reading funny memoirs. I’m almost finished with this one, which I recommend. I’m not going to link to the previous one, because it wasn’t very good. In fact, I don’t know how it was ever published. WTF? There was no point, and few laughs. But it was released by a large (maybe the largest) publishing house. Hey, whatever. This is another good one, and this one is great too. Do you have any recommendations for me on this subject? I’m talking about memoirs that are funny. Not novels, or collections of letters, or biographies. Just memoirs. Please help me out, won’t you?
I was talking to somebody at work the other day about a newish alternative to the colonoscopy, which requires (according to him) “shitting in a box.” Here’s an article that confirms what he told me, kinda-sorta. I’m not clear on whether or not you literally have to offload straight into a cardboard box, and mail it in. But it’s something along those lines.
And you’re convinced your job is bad? Just think about the poor bastards on the receiving end of those poop cartons. Do they arrive via Fed-Ex Freight, or what?
“Three more pallets of fresh-cut turds just arrived at Door Seven, Charlie!”
“Roger that. But where are we going to put it all??”
Can you imagine cracking the seal on one of those things? Oh god. Some of them are probably flapped over the lid, or hanging down the side, or something. You can’t count on precision when it comes to amateur box-shitting. Hell, some people would probably just blast a hot payload of diarrhea in there, and take it straight to the UPS Store.
Indeed, I don’t know about the logistics of “collecting” either. How does that happen? Do you hover over a box, literally? I might have to hang off a towel bar, to help with the balance issue. Or maybe you’re supposed to use a spaghetti strainer, or something? So many questions… I’m willing to try it, though. Count me in! It’s got to be better than having a Maglite twisted straight into your butthole, right?
Do you have any questions or concerns about this test? Please tell us about it, in the comments. If you’ve actually done it, well… we DEFINITELY need your feedback.
I’ll see you guys again soon.
Have yourselves a great day!
Now playing in the bunker
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Craig Ferguson “American on Purpose.” Great memoir. Funny and touching, especially about his parents.
I have to say that Breaking Bad had some of the blackest comedy moments ever to grace the screen. The bathtub is by far my favorite.
I recently had to “ride the silver snake”….shitting in a box and taking to the UPS Store holds a strange allure.
Oddly, I know how to Fed Ex poop. It is no joy on the packaging end either.
I vote by mail.
jtb
I think I’ve seen a commercial for the shitting-in-a-box process, but I don’t recall details. Your description is hilarious and probably accurate.
I watched both The Sopranos and Six Feet Under when they originally aired, and I’d have to say that the latter might get my vote for best written, best acted drama.
The final episode of 6 feet under, I cried and cried, and then was depressed for a day. Damn straight Nads it get my vote too.
Me too!!!!!!!!!!
“You can’t count on precision when it comes to amateur box-shitting.” If only I had a nickel for every time someone has said that to me…
I was handed one of these kits that check for blood in your stool during a wellness exam at my Doctors office. It came with a cloth like contraption that you slid or taped onto you toilet seat. It created a turd hammock that you were supposed to poop in. After you deuced in your turd hammock, you were supposed to take a tool they provided and take six samples from different parts of your loaf. After that you just put the tool in a baggie they supplied and dropped it in the mail to a lab somewhere.
At the time I was on some antibiotics and couldn’t make a decent turd, so I never did take the test.
Walter, I’m going to curse: If that’s a goddamn wellness exam, what the fuck does a guy have to do for a sickness exam?
jtb
When I was in the 5th grade, I swallowed a straight pin in class. My Mother rushed me to the emergency room, they x-rayed my chest and there it was. Well, the only thing to be done (short of major surgery, which would probably have been worthless since the pin was moving quickly through my guts) was for several days I had to dig through my turds to see if I passed the pin. Never found the pin and digging in my own feces warped something in me. The only metal I will put in my mouth since that time are eating utensils. There will never be any turd hammocks in my house
I suppose a blow job for Iron Man is out of the question.
Where did you go to school. Seems like a poor snack time offering there.
turd hammock. Interesting
“hot payload” lol you got me in stitches!
I don’t know about greatest – but probably Hill Street Blues or NYPD Blue. They were at least groundbreaking. LOST also. I had never seen The Wire until I watched the whole think over Thanksgiving break last year.
Definately NYPD Blue. “Life” was great on NBC for two seasons. Currently I am sucked into “Gotham”.
I have to agree I thought Six Feet Under was probably the best thing ever on TV. Yeah those boxes ship via UPS–my sister works in small sort which is exactly where these boxes are routed. No wonder they pay them so much to dodge the poorly packaged poop parcels. Glad that Andy is on the mend–its scary when you don’t know what’s wrong.
Funniest essay in…. well, forever. Nice work.
Glad Andy is better.
I’m digging on Preacher on AMC. Season 2 starts soon. It is weird and funny.
Preacher is pretty good.
Adam-12 gets my vote.
You might also like Better Call Saul. It’s no breaking bad, so you’ll either like it or not.
The poop in a box… maybe not. Sounds like they want to do what they do up here in Canukistan. When you turn fifty, you get a letter that asks you to do the at-home test. What this consists of is three popsicle sticks, three sealable cardboard sample squares with a place to smear your poopsicle. Then mail it in.
Can’t provide an answer to the teevee thing – we’re serial starters but get distracted too easily. Anything House Hunters is good for us, plenty of opportunity to yell at the teevee and be smug about how much better you’d pick.
Go, Andy, go!
Laurie Notaro is pretty good, memoir-wise.
I love Laurie she is Erma Bombeck for the 21st century
I’ll just leave this right here.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zIom3LSbB0I
Damn that is great….true and great.
I’m glad you finally watched Breaking Bad. I was mildly obsessed with that for awhile. And unlike some shows, it had a great, satisfying finale. I guess I need to watch The Wire and see what all the fuss is about. As to memoirs, I really enjoyed the Paul Feig books. I ordered them immediately upon your recommendation and gobbled them up. Funny stuff! I can recommend David Sedaris but I’m sure you’ve read those. The memoirs by Homer Hickam (Rocket Boys aka October Sky, etc) about his youth in Coalwood, West Virginia are very good, but aren’t comic. Bill Bryson’s Life and Times of the Thunderbolt Kid was good. There’s an unpublished memoir by Jeff Kay that I’d like to read! I’m glad ol’ Black Lips pulled through again.
Here’s one! It’s by Nicholas Sparks. No, hear me out! I haven’t read anything else by him, and I have no earthly idea how I happened to get this book, but his short memoir Three Weeks With My Brother has some really funny stuff. His childhood was totally unlike what I would have imagined, based on what little I knew about the guy.
Slightly humorous, well-written memoirs:
Surely You’re Joking, Mr. Feynman (Richard Feynman & Ralph Leighton)
An Involuntary Genius in America’s Shoes (Andrei Codrescu)
The Boat Who Wouldn’t Float (Farley Mowat)
Into Thin Air (Jon Krakauer)
Backstage Passes and Backstabbing Bastards (Al Kooper)
Jeez, lots and lots more.
John
I have to admit that Exquisite Corpse didn’t do much for me. Having said that, Andrei Codrescu is a hoot verbally. Years ago he did a rant about Burger King, about how the name makes no sense because historically the burgher and the king are enemies. “But in America, burger means hamburger and king means nothing.”
In 1993, Andrei Codrescu starred in a full-length documentary called Road Scholar, in which the Romanian immigrant learned how to drive, acquired a red 1968 Chevy ragtop, and crossed the country with a film crew discretely following and recording Codrescu’s discovery of American culture and its roots. The film could have been a heavy-handed putdown of American provincialism, or a commentary on American exceptionalism and ignorance of the world at large, but Codrescu is too sweet to be that mean, and too much of a poet to be that facile. He finds nice people where he expects rednecks, and a love of guns and kitsch where he is hoping to find art.
The documentary isn’t perfect, but everybody should watch it. It’s 25 years old, lots of water under the bridge, Clinton, Bush, Obama, the web, 9/11, the financial crisis, and it’s remarkable how well it holds up.
The film won a Peabody Award.
John
Good call.
God bless Andy and all (most) of his kind. Dogs are the best.
I agree on Breaking Bad and the Wire as two of the best I have ever seen. I never did get around to watching the Sopranos. Check out Fargo (series not movie). It is twisted in a particularly pleasing way that satisfies my warped watching preferences.
https://www.amazon.com/House-Nails-Memoir-Life-Edge/dp/0062407368
I’m glad Andy pulled through. I’ve had scares like that, and it’s no good.
Miami Vice; also Crime Story (the first season anyway).
Here in Oz the Government made it a thing. When you turn 50 they send you out a “Kit” in the mail. You’re supposed to shit in it and send it back. 4 years later I’ve still got it..I cant bring myself to do it! I haven’t even opened it – I must take a look..
David Sedaris is the king of funny books but I’ve read many others. Can’t leave Bill Bryson off the list either; funny man. A few worth mentioning are:
“My Horizontal Life” by Chelsea Handler
“Bleachy-Haired Honky Bitch” by Hollis Gillespie
“Assisted Loving” by Bob Morris
“Hyper-Chondriac” by Brian Frazer
I could go on forever about books but I’ll put the brakes on it for now.
Don’t do much tv because I’ve always got my nose stuck in a book (including both of your books, Jeff). I do remember watching the original “The Fugitive” back in the day and it was excellent for the time. Almost forgot…I did power watch the first of the series of True Detective and enjoyed that also.
So glad Andy recovered. Keep an eye on him as he’s getting up there in age. My son’s dog had some of those symptoms and it turned out to be an enlarged heart. She lived for several years after that diagnosis; it broke my heart when she died. I love animals far more than most humans.
I’m the type of person that can think of funny things and laugh out loud. David Sedaris mother describing his eye rolling tic when he was a kid like the reels of a slot machine. I can see that kid with sound effects. Ohh Boy I needed that laugh this morning.
Sedaris has a new book coming out May 30 and I’ve already pre-ordered it. “Theft by Finding: Diaries (1977-2002)” should be delightful. Can you imagine reading his day-to-day exploits? I can hardly wait to dive into this treasure! His books are about the only ones that I can go back and re-read; I find myself lying in bed, reading and laughing my ass off. I also admit to going back in the WVSR archives and re-reading some of Jeff’s stuff and laughing like a maniac. Damn, I do love to laugh!
Yes, but ONLY Season 1 of True Detective. Pity.
That is the only one I watched. I heard it went downhill from there.
Whilst we are on the topic of Bill Bryson: Notes from a Small Island. Since I landed in the UK at about the same time, it resonated in terms of prices and attitude. But his first three pages about driving directions across a distance ” most Americans would happily drive to buy a taco” had me crying at the end. Simply a perfect piece of writing for anyone who experienced Britain in the 1970s.
At my job, the bafroom is a one seater and a line formed. I was indeed forced to go out back and poop in a box. I didnt know I had an option, so I just threw it in the dumpster.
I watch way too much TV. Some all-time favorites:
– Shameless (first 5 seasons on Netflix. Black comedy of the best kind.)
– Breaking Bad
– Black Sails (Starz series about pirating in Nassau, prequel-ish to Treasure Island)
– Californication
– Outlander (Starz)
– Community (highly sarcastic comedy)
– That 70s Show was one I didn’t watch when it was airing, but mainlined later and found juvenile but hilarious. Two of those guys plus Sam Elliott are on Netflix’s The Ranch, which is similarly funny.
– Dexter
– Weeds
Outlander, absolutely! I’m a fan of the books, too, although I confess I haven’t read them all.
Justified is also superb.
Rockford Files was the best until Breaking Bad came around. Haven’t seen the Wire but will queue it up.
About 12 years ago, I was having some stomach/abdominal issues. The doctor wasn’t having much luck, so one of his ideas was to capture all stools over the course of a weekend. Had to shit into a paint can, seal it each time and repeat. I was banished to the basement for each deposit, the smell gagged me to the point of dry heaves every time. Suffice to say it was progressively worse as the weekend wore on. I then delivered the can to a lab on Monday morning. There is no amount of money that would be sufficient to have the job of receiving and analysis of that package.
Turns out that the exercise did not yield any results, it ended up being a rogue gallstone that was affecting my pancreas. it’s all fixed now, but I don’t think I can ever forget shitting in a can for an entire weekend.
Savour every moment with Andy. We lost both of our dogs in a 5 month period recently. Not fun times at all in our household.
HUGE fan of Breaking Bad, Sons of Anarchy, Orange is the New Black, and have now binged Shameless (U.S.) Seasons 1-6. Waiting desperately for Netflix to hurry up and give me Season 7. Amazing black comedy. Also enjoyed Prison Break, and, on a much lighter note, found Friday Night Lights to be one of the best network tv series I’ve seen.
Don’t care how you get your poop checked, get it done. As for me, I’ve gone the clinical route and, while it’s not fun, it’s over in 48 hours all told. The idea of the US postal service having anything to do with the transportation and timely delivery of my specimen doesn’t leave me hopeful in the least.
Yay Andy!
Wow, way too many good shows over the years. I know I can’t remember half of them now but here goes: LOST, NYPD Blue, Six Feet Under, Dexter, Homeland, Shameless. Every time any one of these episodes ended I was already jonesing for the next one.
For crazy characters and irredeemable violence try “Justified” and “Hell on “Wheels.” Old Black Lips needs a tic tac? Our dog is 14 and has breath so bad, I though we had a gas leak. Riding with the dog in the car is impossible. Burning sulfur plus ripe dumpster riding on a blaff of methane is my best approximation.
The major reason for bad breath in dogs is their teeth. When they get old, most of their teeth have so much decay it’s awful and smells to high heaven! Since they sedate dogs to clean their teeth, I doubt if Andy or your dog qualify for dental work.
Sorry about the pup Jeff. Thanks for the laugh on cracking open a box of shit.
I am enjoying a chest infection. Whenever I cough or laugh it causes stabbing pain. This update was excruciatingly painful to read.
I want to see a behind the scenes documentary at the turd receiving facility. Who the hell works there, and why? What does the job ad say? Do they have to *ahem* log each package received?
I’m watching the Norwood movie by way of Youtube. It’s interesting they got away with using the words Peckerwood and Clamburger.
I’m surprised not to see anyone else mention Augusten Burroughs. I got one of his books from the freebie table at work, years ago, and enjoyed it so much, I read all of the rest of his books.
So, you can shit in a box, and ship it somewhere for a legitimate reason?!? Kind of takes the fun out of the random poop boxes I’ve been mailing for decades. Wait… No… That’s still fun.
Yeah, someone should have made it clear that federal law prohibits lighting this type on fire just before posting it.
jtb
Since we cut cable ( hahahaha! ) I’ve been watching some good stuff on Netflix and Amazon. I would like to add a couple of series that may not have been mentioned yet; Vikings, and that older prison series called Oz.
One of my favorite non-sitcom shows was “The Equalizer” with Edward Woodward back in the 80’s. He was kind of like Robin Hood and James Bond all rolled into one! Another one I think of that I really enjoyed was “Ellery Queen” from the 70’s with Jim Hutton. Sadly, they only made one season of it. And if “Columbo” counts, throw that one in too.
Wasn’t “Crossroad Roads” a memoir of sorts?!?
What if you had to declare the contents of that box at the post office? Contents: “Poop!”
Amazed Buffy hasn’t got a mention. That was some of the best written TV for 4 or 5 of its seasons.
On a sunny, warm Northwest afternoon, as I’m idly gazing out the window at the neighborhood dogs attempting to murder the mailman and faking passing cars into emergency stops — as one does — it occurred to me that if Andy started cookin’ and sellin’ while the household was at work, you could film it and call the show Barking Bad.
jtb
TV Series Fargo. Season 3 which doesn’t require seeing the previous seasons starts 4/19
The first year had Billy Bob Thornton the second had Kirsten Dunst & Patrick Wilson
This year Ewan McGregor
Funny biographical books
An Apple Core, a Toilet: Misadventures of a 1970s Childhood https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B009KWO32U
If I Can’t Wave Like a Princess I Must Be a Loser https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00BHLNEYU
Notes from a Small Island https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00T3DR5A8
Stairlift to Heaven: Growing Old Disgracefully I’m not sure the stories are 100% true but they are 1000% hilarious. https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0058NXFVU
Driving on the Wrong Side of the Road https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B001F0RPNO
Not sure what a drama is, so I guess this is a list of the best scripted non-sitcom shows to have aired on television or something like that. All shows produced primarily in America except #1 which was made in Canada, #8 and #10 which are British, and #2 and #4 which were largely shot in Baltimore.
#1 Slings and Arrows (all 3 seasons, 6 per season, all terrific)
#2 Homicide: Life on the Street (Seasons 1-3 are primo, 4-5 are good, 6-7 not bad, movie sucks)
#3 The Rockford Files (all 6 seasons, early eps slightly better)
#4 The Wire (all 5 seasons)
#5 The Twilight Zone (all 5 seasons, early eps only slightly better)
#6 House (Seasons 1-2 are terrific, downhill after that)
#7 The West Wing (Seasons 1-4, not quite as good after that)
#8 I, Claudius (12 eps, as good as TV gets)
#9 Columbo (all 7 seasons, early eps are best)
#10 Sherlock Holmes (1984) (9 series, all great, early eps best)
commentary to follow if I get to it . . .
John
Nope, looks like this topic pooped out a few days ago. . . jtb
I loved Breaking Bad & Better call Saul is pretty awesome. I binged all of Dexter in a month & while it was on I watched True Blood every Sunday…
Fuck me I forgot The Mod Squad. Back in the halcyon days when racial and gender stereotypes were de rigueur. Three young people fight crime: one white, one black, and one blond. . . whatthefuck???!!?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kd85Qim_Z6A
jtb
Is Andy on Wikipedia?
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mongrel#/media/File:Bordercolliebandit.jpg
“The Egg and I” by Bettie MacDonald is my favorite memoir. Amazing book about starting a chicken farm from scratch in Washington State in the 20’s.