Our house has been a Petri dish of puke spores for the past few days. Both boys have been sick, and it’s been pretty dreary around here. However, they’re both feeling better today, so it looks like the worst is behind us.
The younger boy can’t remember ever vomiting before, and he’s 14. It freaked him out. After the first wave hit him, he wouldn’t leave the bathroom for more than half an hour. He thought it was just going to explode from his face, with no warning. We assured him he’d have time to react, but he wasn’t buying it. When it comes to puking, the kid has no reference point, which is a good thing, I guess.
Both are home from school today, of course, and Toney took a sick day to take care of them. But the older hooligan is upstairs playing Led Zeppelin riffs on a guitar, and the younger one is in the living room watching TV, and acting completely normal. So, I guess it’s almost over.
Kids bounce back from that kind of stuff quickly. I don’t. Thankfully I’m not sick very often, but when it happens… the shit lingers.
I made the mistake of muttering under my breath on Saturday, “I sure hope I don’t get that crap.” Toney accused me of only thinking of myself. No, I told her, I’m thinking about them, and myself. What’s wrong with that? I can’t afford to be down and out for a week, vomiting into a bucket and watching Ellen. Ya know?
But so far she and I show no symptoms of the Black Plague those guys brought in here. I don’t know what kind of gestation period there is, though. Hopefully I won’t be turned into a pressure washer of liquid feces in the next day or two. Or is that too self-centered?
And speaking of no-puke streaks… I can’t even remember the last time it happened to me. I could probably do a search of the website archives, but it’s been many years. I seem to vaguely recall sitting on the upstairs toilet with the bathroom trash can on my lap, with something blasting out of both ends. But that feels like seven or eight years ago to me.
Do you ever make seven or eight years between vomits? Tell us about it, won’t you?
Also, are you suggestible, when it comes to ailments? I am, big-time. As soon as the younger boy started going down the upchuck slope, my stomach felt queasy. It wasn’t because I caught a whiff, or anything like that, it’s just that I’m like tofu — I assume the flavor of whatever’s around me.
I remember talking with a guy at work years ago, about his testicular cancer scare. And instantly… I felt a dull throbbing pain in my left ball. And whenever George Noory has a medical guest on his show, I have to put in a CD or I’ll have every symptom discussed before I get halfway home. It doesn’t last, mind you. I don’t obsess about it, but for a while I’m convinced I have every problem they bring up.
Are you like this, or am I the weird one?
And I have to cut this one a little short, because somebody stole Toney’s license plate. Can you believe that crap? When she came out of Target a little while ago, she noticed it was gone. Who knows where it happened, or how long she’s been driving without a plate?
That happened to me once, at the Atlanta airport. My car was parked in one of the massive lots, and someone stole the license plate off the back of it. I told the sassy gold-tooth woman at the pay booth, and she said, “What do you want me to do about it?” Yes, very helpful… and sympathetic, too.
Anyway, we have to deal with that, before someone robs a bank and Toney is arrested and put on death row. Or something.
So, I’ll see you guys again tomorrow.
Have a great day!
Now playing in the bunker
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I remember learning that backaches are a symptom of testicular cancer. Now there’s some information that will keep coming back to scare the crap out of you.
My own vomitless streak ended just last week, unfortunately. It must have been a good 6 or 7 year no-wretch-stretch. I’ll do just about anything to not vomit.
No-wretch-stretch. Well done!
Rat Bastard says
The last time I vomited: slipped on a piss soaked bar bathroom floor, went down like a sack of potatoes and knocked myself out on the floor mounted door stopper, spilling about half of a bag full of expensive drugs in the process. After noticing that I had been gone from the bar for 15 minutes (luckily, we were the only people in there at the time) the girlfriend went looking for me. She got me to regain consciousness by punching me in the head for spilling said drugs. I got up, went back to the bar, and 15 minutes after that went into a fit of vomiting. Concussion city. Fun shit.
I had the back plate stolen from my car YEARS ago (I’m talking the 80s) and someone actually DID rob a bank with my plate! SO glad I reported that stolen!
I’ve had the creeping crud for two full weeks. I’m finally on the mend, but I’m staying in for two more days to make sure. Thought I was gonna cough up a lung – although I did cough so hard a couple of times it made me puke.
I haven’t gone more than a year between pukes. I find if I stick my fingers down my throat after WAY too much to drink I don’t suffer so much the next day. That only happens occasionally, thank gawd.
I don’t think I’ ve vomited since I drank a mickey of Southern Comfort in grade 9. That was 35 years ago.
I can’t remember what it is like to not experience some bodily rejection. I guess if a blood geyser sprouted from my elbow skin that would be something scary.
I can see how a 14 year old would be traumatized by his first bought of vomiting.
Nest time you get sick to the point of spewing frome each end. Sit on the couch and do it while watching Freaks & Geeks on netflix. That’ll teach her about thinking upon onesself.
I went several years, maybe 6, without throwing up. Then this past year i did it three times for different reasons. It’s almost a hobby by now. I must admit, vomiting does make me feel better, regardless of circumstance or situation.
I accidentaly stole a license plate on purpose once. I was real young and at some church camp. We had to find a license plate from Mississippi as part of a scavenger hunt.
I didn’t realize that we were supposed to just take down the number. I took the plate and the staff freaked out. I had been carrying it around for a few hours at that point.
I puked just a couple weeks ago unfortunately. Ate some bad food at a Christmas party. I always feel better after I throw up, but it’s a violent process. Every time I throw up I end up blowing blood vessels in or around my eyes and end up looking like I got in a fight.
Big Bear can attest to what my eyes looked like after my 21st…
Heh, power pukin’.
My puke comes out like a lazer canon death ray.
Yeah, “lazer” with a “z”.
A lazer cannon would be a cannon that can’t be bothered.
I have chronic migraines, so my no-puke stretches are usually days, not years. I’m not prone to illness by suggestion, either. I’m a nurse, I wouldn’t get much done that way. I have enough illnesses without borrowing others. I just had sinus surgery a couple of weeks ago, my second one. If I had a week stomach, I wouldn’t be able to tolerate the twice-daily sinus irrigations I’ve been required to do. Gruesome things have been coming out of my nose. Hope everyone feels better soon in the Kay house. I can hope you don’t get it for you, then you aren’t selfish.
My daughter was amazing in regards to puking. Even as a baby, she never, ever even spit up. Unheard of.
Her introduction to vomiting was at age 13. With Chinese food. In my guest room. On my carpet.
It’s been a couple o’years since my last cookie toss. Self induced witb the help of Gentleman Jack. Nice guy but you can’t trust him. He sneaks up on yyou. I was so sick, I couldn’t even belly-up to the terlet. So my boyfriend sat beside me in the bathroom, catching my “cookies” by cupping his hands then dumping it in the terlet. Now THAT’S true L-U-V
Eh, no cereal bowls or trashcans?
I think maybe he was just taking the opportunity to cash in on his kink.
WB in OH says
eewww… you got a keeper there chick, if that had been me, you would a woke up with Jimi Hendrix and Bon Scott laughing at you.
And yinz wonder why you’re single. Boy-o-boy!
WB in OH says
Yep, I’ll hold the door for you, open your car door but when it comes puking, I’m worthless. I wouldn’t even be able to hold your hair back.
Dude…I’m not so sure if I can do the hand cupping thing either but holding back your squeeze’s hair is just part of the deal.
Not holding back her hair…..2 point violation.
WB in OH says
Sorry, I’ll take the 2-points and Ms. WB can get her fucking hair cut or learn to hold her liquor. I can’t even watch the movie Stand By Me.
Never thought of that. I’m sure Anne Hathaway would never have a problem.
Last year, I woke up in the middle of the night and the first thought I had was “I have to puke”. About 20 minutes later, I was hurling. Went back to bed and woke up like everything was fne and dandy normal. I actually wondered if I dreamt it all but Beloved brought me back to reality “Why the hell were you puking last night?” I haven’t the foggiest.
Speakin of being ill, how are YOUR states treating this flu outbreak bullshit? In New York, I think they’re going to make us start wearing Haz Mat suits. As usual, it’s way over the top. And now parents are bitching and complaining they can’t get their kids the flu shot (stores rae running out) but that stuff was available – and free! – back in OCTOBER. Now it’s the stores’ fault for running out? Mark my words – some fucktard will sue Rite Aid or CVS or Walgreens…
In AZ we shoot flu infected people on site.
We also blame it on Mexico.
Last year when I had the flu, my doctor was ADAMANT that I only had “flu-like” symptoms. He wouldn’t call it flu, test me for flu, nothing. What’s up with that?
The flu hasn’t made it down here to The OC. That could change, though–we had Winter over the weekend, so flu season might set in soon.
When it does, we’ll blame it on Arizona, and gun control.
Fancy Pants Maguire says
I can’t really remember my last technicolor yawn. Perhaps in the mid-1990s (?)
Pavement pizza. Food poisoning last year, before that it was at least 15 years.
Root 66 says
Funny–Jeff’s mere mention of “Tofu” made my gag reflex whirl into motion!
My dentist knows I have a hare-trigger gag reflex, so they are very fast and careful when working on me. When I start squirming around in the chair they do the best imitation of “Duck and Cover” you ever saw!
About two years ago was the last time I talked to Ralph. Fucking chemo…I was like a puking professional. All good now, though!
That’s all that counts! Glad you’re better!
OMG Jeff, you were in RARE form in this update!
“a pressure washer of liquid feces”
“sitting on the upstairs toilet with the bathroom trash can on my lap, with something blasting out of both ends”
“I’m like tofu — I assume the flavor of whatever’s around me”
“I remember talking with a guy at work years ago, about his testicular cancer scare. And instantly… I felt a dull throbbing pain in my left ball”
Well if you’re self-centered Jeff – then JOIN THE FUCKING ARMY!
And welcome to the ranks. Here’s your bayonet and your bandolier and take a good look at how the universe turns for each one of us with us as the axis.
WB in OH says
I can’t recall the last time I puked. It’s been a good long time, not sure if it stretches back eight years though. I also have a bad feeling 2013 will end said streak. Yesterday I noticed I was having muscle aches all over, then I read Jeff’s tweet about shitting his pants. That instantly put me on full alert, my inards started feeling funny and I was afraid to eat anything. I finally settled down and had some chicken soup. Still have the muscle aches today but I think it’s just a cold.
What’s the deal with Greek yogurt all of a sudden?
Greek yogurt can go fuck itself.
Greek style, of course.
I made chili yesterday and I’m having some right now, so this is the perfect topic. It’s been many years since I’ve puked and knock-on-wood it will stay that way. If you smear some vomit over your door, does the Angel of Puke pass you by?
Flu: it’s going around my office, but so far not to me. Knocking on wood again.
Haven’t puked in 20 years, but the odds caught up with me last month. In fact, I had my first case of the dreaded “Puke ‘n Poop” combo.
Ran to the toilet as I felt my lower digestive tract convulsing and sat ready for all hell to break loose. Then, I feel everything come firing up the other end in a puke tsunami. I jumped off the toilet, flipped around and stuck my head in the bowl just in the nick of time. But then a terrible intestinal rumbling was about to turn my butt into an ass cannon. I was playing one f—ed up game of Twister with myself and I was losing!
I ended up shooting a fecally charged Peter Max style painting on my bathroom wall. Memories…
You, sir, can paint a picture with words.
Great visuals! Even better laugh!
Had my license plate swipped in Edmonton, Alberta Canada. Parking garage at the hotel we were playing. Seems like they really like Nevada plates up there. Common thing I was told. Reported it to the RCMP and got a letter that would help me cross the border back into the states. No one even noticed it wasn’t there and I drove all the way back to Vegas with no problem. My only regret is I didn’t rob a bank on the way home.
I used to do the symptom thing. I spent five years constantly checking for palm warts, shrinking testicles, and back acne, convinced I had been watching too much baseball.
I never had an actual license plate stolen, but one time somebody came up into my driveway while I was out, and stole the expiration date sticker off my motorcycle’s plate. It took me a while to notice, because I was not in the habit of examining the “year sticker”.
I was listening to some crank on satellite radio the other night and I basically let the guy talk me into having a full blown anxiety attack. I had to pull over because I was sure I was going to pass out. Felt like I was coming out of my body. Horrible, just horrible.
I’m working on my eighth barf free year. Valentine’s Day 2005 was my last vomit.
What on earth was the guy talking about?
He was literally describing the coming on of a panic attack:
Your chest starts to tighten up, your breathing gets erratic, your senses start to heighten, etc.
Like he was walking people through how to have an anxiety attack. It was weird as hell and I’ll just stick to the faggish “Coffee House” or something from now on.
Don’t recall the last time I puked, but last week I was feeling a bit queezy and thought I’d be painting the bowl. But that feeling passed after a couple hours.
I’ve had plates stolen off my work van.
Come to think of it, all manner of mishap has occured to my work van. Last week some douche monger snow removal idjit ran into it. But then, I gotta park that thing where I wouldn’t park my own vehicles.
Bless me Jeff it has been 11 years since my last puking.
I also have the ‘sympathy’ symptoms of others that I care about. My daughter had ACL surgery and I limped around for two days.
I thought I’d dodged the bullet, but I’m sick. I started to feel like shit at work last night, and today I’m full-blown blecch. I called off from work, which is ultra-rare. I feel like crap. It’s fantastic.
T. Farty McAppleass says
ZINC ZINC ZINC!
Feel better soon.
Dave's not here, man says
I feel like crap. It’s fantastic.
I think the word you’re looking for is craptastic.