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Jeff Kay's Ridiculous Adventures In Suburbia

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A Daisy Chain of Ridiculousness

January 19, 2012 By Jeff 64 Comments

How could a grown man have a face like the Little Debbie logo?  It’s a question I cannot answer, but find myself asking from time to time.  You know, because I regularly see a dude who looks like, well… Little Debbie.  And I don’t often notice folks who resemble a corporate trademark.  Ya know?

While I was at Wendy’s today I also saw a guy with air hockey pucks in his earlobes.  And an elderly lesbian with a buzzcut, eating fries while standing at the counter.  I don’t have a problem with the elderly lesbian part, but man, I hate it when people eat fries before they get to their table.  You seriously can’t wait one more minute?  Pigs.

I also don’t like it when people eat with a rhythm, if you know what I mean.  Like a machine, with an identifiable cadence.  And if the previous mouthful hasn’t been fully processed yet, it doesn’t matter.  Another bite must be introduced, because the rhythm demands it.  I’m simply not a fan.  Shake that shit up a little!

Oh, and ol’ air hockey ears?  Whatever.  If someone wants to mutilate their sound-catchers with checkers or a class ring, then good for them.  But don’t expect me to be impressed, just because you followed some idiotic trend.  Or be shocked, or outraged, or whatever reaction you’re going for.  I just think one word:  douche.

I was talking with someone about this a few days ago, and they got up on their high horse:  “Young people should be allowed to express their individuality, blah, blah, blah…”  Did I say anything about not allowing it?  No, I did not.  But I should also be allowed to render the verdict of douche.  It goes both ways.

And individuality?  Ha!  Doing the same stuff as all your friends is not exactly blazing the trail of a maverick.

It’s like those entertainers who talk about politics, in sober and earnest tones.  They act like they’re being courageous, but what’s so courageous about having the exact same paint-by-numbers opinions as everyone you know?  Just shut up and sing.

Oh yeah, and I also regularly encounter a person I’ve dubbed “Eb who says fuck too much.”  It doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue, but it’s accurate.  He looks like Eb and says fuck too much.  Fuck is like garlic, a little goes a long way.  Somebody needs to tell Eb this.

And just so you know… One of my cousins read my update a few days ago, about constipation, and said he once struggled so hard to “get one out” he ripped a handicap rail off the wall, in a public restroom.

And Steve told me his sister works with a woman who weighs roughly 350 pounds.  She was in the bathroom at work, taking a dump and lighting matches to try to mask the stink.  Something went wrong, and she caught her underwear on fire.  Then she freaked out, tripped over her pants, and fell through a section of drywall.

Also, I used to know a girl named Annette, who lived in a dumpy apartment in Atlanta.  She said she was sitting on the toilet one night, and a cockroach fell from the vent above her head.  She didn’t notice it, and the roach landed on her underwear.  When she pulled them up, she could feel something crawling around on her (Annette’s word, not mine) cooter.  She said she almost exploded a kidney trying to rip her pants and underwear off.  Heh.

And I don’t know what the hell kind of stream-of-consciousness, daisy chain of ridiculousness this update turned out to be. I don’t know whether to be happy with it, or apologize.

In any case, I hope you guys have a great weekend.  I’ll be back on Sunday or Monday.  We’ll just have to play it by ear.

See ya later!

Now playing in the bunker
Treat yourself at Amazon: US and Canada

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Filed Under: Daily

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Swami Bologna says

    January 19, 2012 at 6:19 pm

    Uno.

    Reply
  2. Swami Bologna says

    January 19, 2012 at 6:24 pm

    If making your readers laugh out loud makes you happy, then you can be happy with this one. Thanks.

    Reply
  3. jim britton says

    January 19, 2012 at 6:33 pm

    I like it.

    Reply
  4. Vicki says

    January 19, 2012 at 6:46 pm

    I thought it was funny as fuck. Shit.

    Reply
    • CitizenX says

      January 19, 2012 at 11:25 pm

      Great stuff!
      “ But I should also be allowed to render the verdict of douche. It goes both ways.“

      Reply
  5. WB in OH says

    January 19, 2012 at 6:54 pm

    I concur with the rest of the reporters who have reported thus far.

    Reply
  6. kristin says

    January 19, 2012 at 7:13 pm

    I once was unpleasantly surprised by a very large cockroach that had been hiding behind the toilet paper, and appeared riding over the top as I was taking what I needed. I’m really glad I was alone in the apartment, because the resulting chaos was not exactly classy.

    Reply
    • m says

      January 20, 2012 at 5:31 pm

      I’m starting to hyperventilate just thinking about this scenario.

      Reply
  7. The Qweezy Mark says

    January 19, 2012 at 7:27 pm

    “Fuck is like garlic”

    Reply
  8. Uncle_Wedgie says

    January 19, 2012 at 7:30 pm

    You been into Sunshine’s “vitamins”?

    Reply
    • Bill in WV says

      January 20, 2012 at 12:40 pm

      He did better than that, he got into her “antibiotics”.

      Reply
  9. Uncle_Wedgie says

    January 19, 2012 at 7:31 pm

    “Garlic off shitlips” just does not have the proper feel to it.

    Reply
  10. renn says

    January 19, 2012 at 7:51 pm

    I made the mistake of picking up a dirty diaper left on a mall bathroom changing table. ROACHES RAN OUT OF THE DIAPER AND ALL OVER THE CHANGING TABLE.

    I’m pretty sure the entire mall heard me scream.

    My daughter, the ever unsympathetic 11 year old, raised her eyebrows and flatly said, “That’s what happens when you try to be nice.”

    Reply
    • Joey Jo Jo says

      January 20, 2012 at 12:09 am

      Smart kid.

      Reply
    • Chuck in Belpre says

      January 20, 2012 at 5:26 pm

      So jaded at such a young age. It will serve her well.

      Reply
  11. Jimbo says

    January 19, 2012 at 7:56 pm

    Tomorrow I’m flying up to Kansas City to see my mom and my sister. I love my family, but I’m already looking forward to getting black-out drunk when I get home on Monday night. Wish me luck surviving the weekend.

    Reply
    • The Qweezy Mark says

      January 19, 2012 at 8:34 pm

      Black-out drunk…..such a sweet comfort zone.

      Reply
  12. Big Mike says

    January 19, 2012 at 8:01 pm

    The mental picture I got of the fat bitch setting her underwear on fire is the funniest thing all week. Thanks Jeff!!

    Reply
  13. lori in cbus says

    January 19, 2012 at 8:13 pm

    today, some nasty ass bitch did not wash her hands after blowing out her ass gasket ..that made me want to scream…

    Reply
  14. lori in cbus says

    January 19, 2012 at 8:13 pm

    oh and Jeff, this was a gem of an update

    Reply
  15. Cosgrove says

    January 19, 2012 at 8:39 pm

    This is one of the greatest updates I’ve read in ages. not to say they havn’t been great, this one was just especially good.
    Also, having lived in the shittiest of shit apartments, I can attest to the fear and utter disgust that comes with a movement in your clothing and it being a cockroach.

    Reply
  16. Cosgrove says

    January 19, 2012 at 9:20 pm

    And who or what is “Eb”

    Reply
    • Joey Jo Jo says

      January 20, 2012 at 12:09 am

      Agreed. The fuck?

      Reply
      • Jeff says

        January 20, 2012 at 12:15 am

        Eb:

        http://www.imdb.com/media/rm1519228672/tt0058808

        Reply
        • Uncle_Wedgie says

          January 20, 2012 at 2:39 pm

          How can you let people who do not know who Eb is become Surf Reporters? I thought this club (gang?) had minimum standards.

          Reply
          • CADude says

            January 20, 2012 at 4:28 pm

            I hope not….

            Reply
    • Bill in WV says

      January 20, 2012 at 12:43 pm

      I’d much prefer the “Mr. Haney who says fuck too much”.

      Reply
      • BoMama says

        January 20, 2012 at 7:54 pm

        Or Arnold who says fuck too much.

        Reply
  17. Theresa says

    January 19, 2012 at 10:44 pm

    great post, this is what i live for everyday, cant wait for the surf report to update, this is hilarious stuff right here!

    Reply
  18. Henderson says

    January 19, 2012 at 11:06 pm

    Mmmmmm… a little piss and vinegar in this update. Liked it….. and really, really trying hard not to say fuck.

    Reply
  19. CitizenX says

    January 19, 2012 at 11:27 pm

    My dog drinks in threes.
    “lap, lap, lap … lap, lap, lap …lap, lap, lap”

    Reply
    • dto says

      January 20, 2012 at 8:23 am

      I just realized I drink beers in threes.

      “Beer…beer, beer…beer, beer, beer,…beer, beer, beer”. (Piss and repeat)…

      Reply
  20. Lee Harvey Ramone says

    January 19, 2012 at 11:50 pm

    I read some of the pooping stories in your update to my 7 year-old, and he is now also a fan of Jeff Kay’s writing.

    “celebrate the moments of your life….”

    Reply
  21. Joey Jo Jo says

    January 20, 2012 at 12:11 am

    A termite fell into my mom’s panties while she was on the pot, and it allegedly bit her puss. It bit her, my dad asked her “On the thigh?” and she said no, higher…

    Yuck.

    Reply
    • ashton says

      January 20, 2012 at 6:58 pm

      That’s not called biting.

      Reply
  22. chill says

    January 20, 2012 at 12:33 am

    Great update, Jeff. Very stream-of-consciousness.

    I figure that people with outlandish tattoos, piercings etc. on display must want to draw attention to themselves. Fine, but don’t get all offended when people look.
    .

    Reply
  23. clintcurtis says

    January 20, 2012 at 7:23 am

    Jeff, sometimes your daisy chains of ridiculousness turn out to be your funniest stuff.

    Reply
  24. another Jeff...alienjeff says

    January 20, 2012 at 9:10 am

    You forgot to repeat how much you hate people who fold a slice of pizza to eat it.

    And people who back into parking spots.

    Reply
  25. Limey says

    January 20, 2012 at 9:49 am

    Re: Eb who says fuck too much

    The cornerstone of a relatives vocabulary is “shit”. I once heard him use shit, in three different contexts, in the same sentence, (paraphrasing) “shit I don’t give a shit about that shit”. It’s a joy to have him around my 3 year old.

    But the fucker’s from New Jersey, so what the fuck’s he gonna do?

    Reply
  26. madz1962 says

    January 20, 2012 at 10:20 am

    A dude that looks like Little Debbie? The poor fuck.

    Reply
  27. bikerchick says

    January 20, 2012 at 10:28 am

    Boy Jeff, I love when you have a hair up your butt. The vision of the fatty with her panties in flames will carry me through this crappy day!

    Speaking of those douchebags showing their “individuality”… We get a lot of them here in the office wanting their earlobes repaired. Usually, they stretch their earlobes so thin, the ring or dinner plate or whatever just splits the remaining skin and falls out. This is only after they realize that they have to enter real life and get a job because their freelance art work won’t support them….and neither will mommy and daddy.

    I almost wrecked my car when a spider was swinging from a web inside the door frame. I freaked the fuck out. I pulled over to the side of the road and crawled out on my back. Some guy stopped to see if I needed help and killed the thing for me. Probably thought I was completely insane. But if that thing would have dropped on me, I’d still be in a rehab center sucking my thumb. Yes, I’m that afraid of them.

    Reply
  28. dto says

    January 20, 2012 at 10:42 am

    I saw a bald headed lesbian who looked like Mr. Clean and I’d bet she eats her fucking french fries wherever the fuck she wants.

    Reply
  29. Henderson says

    January 20, 2012 at 11:22 am

    Maybe Jeff should pull a Deadwood and count the number of fucks on thewvsr.

    Reply
  30. Henderson says

    January 20, 2012 at 11:23 am

    Upon reading my previous comment, I thought it prudent to clarify.

    Jeff should count the number of times the word fuck appears in the comments, not the number of fucks posting the word fuck.

    Reply
    • Vicki says

      January 20, 2012 at 12:57 pm

      I believe it could go either way.

      Reply
  31. dto says

    January 20, 2012 at 1:38 pm

    …And…I’ll have you know…I’ve always prided myself on be able to stricky conform to a nonconformists lifestlye.

    Reply
  32. sunshine_in_va says

    January 20, 2012 at 2:07 pm

    “And I don’t know what the hell kind of stream-of-consciousness, daisy chain of ridiculousness this update turned out to be. I don’t know whether to be happy with it, or apologize.”

    It’s what we’re paying you for, Jeff.

    Reply
  33. t-storm says

    January 20, 2012 at 2:13 pm

    A person who eats with a certain cadence is a Metranom.

    Reply
    • dto says

      January 20, 2012 at 2:19 pm

      FUNNY!!

      Reply
  34. Laina says

    January 20, 2012 at 3:05 pm

    When we were kids, we didn’t have a clothes dryer. My mom hung everything outside. She would fold everything as she took it down and then put it away.
    One time she took a fresh nightgown out of her drawer, put it on, and got into bed. Immediately she jumped up screaming tearing the thing off of her. She had folded a wasp into her nightie and had sat on it when she got into bed.
    The story was shared by my late father, laughing so hard he had tears.
    The story about the roach in the underwear… that would have put me in a psych facility for sure!

    Reply
  35. squawvalleyskip says

    January 20, 2012 at 5:10 pm

    On an unrelated note; I just got off the phone with my CC company. Apparently on the same day I bought Jeff a beer using my card through the non-paypal paypal link I signed up for russiancupid.something or other to the tune of $24.95. The CC company is in the process of fixing it and opening a new account. Watch you statements, Surf reporters. The damn russkies had an ulterior motive. No harm, no foul. But the bastards tried.

    Reply
    • WB in OH says

      January 20, 2012 at 6:05 pm

      Thanks for the heads up. I just checked my statement, no funny business on my end but I paid through a normal paypal account.

      Reply
  36. ron says

    January 20, 2012 at 6:27 pm

    i had bad day
    needed good laugh
    ‘thank you very much,jeff

    Reply
  37. JAB says

    January 21, 2012 at 2:02 am

    “fuck is like garlic” – brilliant. Laughed about it all day

    Reply
  38. t-storm says

    January 21, 2012 at 3:33 am

    I was informed tonight that sports are absurd. That hurt.

    Reply
  39. notalice says

    January 21, 2012 at 7:03 am

    This update made me laugh so hard I cried.

    Reply
  40. mexicomotorcycle says

    January 21, 2012 at 10:25 am

    I used to live in Cambridge, MA…a bastion of liberalism unmatched by any other. The place was teeming with metro- sexuals, emo types, hyper effeminate stay-at-home nurturing men who carried children in swaying bundles/slings against their chests like Cambodian refugees, patchouli-wearing dykes, tattooed hipsters, and douche bags with more face holes (piercings) than a kitchen colander. One I saw the following…. upon while exiting the subway at an above ground train stop landing covered with ice, in front of me was a hyper-skinny tattoo freak with soup can sized rings embedded in his ears. Well, he was wearing hyper pointy purple suede Italian shoes with smooth leather soles….he hit the ice, did a gymnast-worthy split and caught one of his dumbo ear hoops on the handle of the nearby newspaper vending box……rendering that hoop and his skin-ring into two dangling flesh-hoses spewing blood. He screamed and pissed his lime colored shinny jeans a split second later. No doubt he was late for his job at the Hipster Haven cafe. “Douche” …the one word I could muster

    Reply
    • DaveF says

      January 21, 2012 at 12:12 pm

      Fuckin’ douche.

      Reply
    • Limey says

      January 21, 2012 at 12:31 pm

      I see your Cambridge, MA and raise you a Santa Cruz, CA – a place where a homeless person taking a shit at the base of a tree downtown is not considered gross, but free organic fertilizer.

      Reply
    • Lee Harvey Ramone says

      January 21, 2012 at 12:36 pm

      That’s inthenthitive (insensitive)!

      Reply
  41. Alice in WV says

    January 21, 2012 at 10:22 pm

    Jeff, you were mentioned on the front page of Fairmont’s Times West Virginian.

    Reply
    • Jeff says

      January 22, 2012 at 1:52 pm

      Because of the Jason Headley article?

      Reply
  42. Dana Coe says

    January 23, 2012 at 2:34 pm

    Ok, I claim that eating just one fry from the ones they slap down on the counter is necessary to judge if they are fresh enough or that a re-fry must be demanded.

    Reply
  43. Theodore says

    January 26, 2012 at 11:41 am

    Little Debbie reference had me tearing up from the beginning. Great stuff, man.

    Reply

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