• Skip to primary navigation
  • Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar
  • Skip to footer

The West Virginia Surf Report!

Jeff Kay's Ridiculous Adventures In Suburbia

  • Home
  • About
  • Best of
  • Books
  • Archives
  • Donate

A Brief Visit With Eninen and the Brood

March 26, 2012 By Jeff 48 Comments

Toney had a conversation with Nancy this weekend, and I have a few quick tidbits to share with you guys today.  Heh.  ‘Cause crazy never sleeps.

The older translucent child, who is thirteen now, has picked up a new hobby:  needlepoint.  I’m not kidding.  He reportedly took a home ec-style class this year, and fell in love with the art of decorating fabric, or whatever.  Nancy says she takes him to the “needlepoint store” two or three times per week now, to pick up supplies.  And the kid sits around sewing every evening.

A thirteen year old boy??  I have a cousin (or somesuch) who used to play an electric organ when he was young, and wore dress shoes all the time.  He’d be out playing baseball (like a six year old girl) in hard shoes, and kept his bedroom impeccably clean and neat.  He was so bizarre, like no kid I’d ever known.  Until now…

The older see-thru is also receiving daily (daily!) coaching sessions from Nancy and Nostrils about his changing body, and all that stuff.  And what the hell?  Is that really necessary?

Nancy is hung-up on it, and wants to talk about it all the time.  I think she gets some kind of sick thrill out of it.  If my parents had peppered me with puberty talk every day, I probably would’ve slipped into a catatonic state, unreachable even by the world’s foremost psychologists.

The kid routinely flips out, throws down his needlepoint hoop, and screams, “I WILL NEVER USE DEODORANT!!  YOU CANNOT MAKE ME USE DEODORANT!”  It’s like a goddamn house of freaks.  And you just know they have frequent beat-off conversations, too.  Hell, Nossy probably tutors him on technique.  It sounds like a joke, but it seriously wouldn’t surprise me.

This same kid is also freaked out about his health (wonder where that comes from?), and does “his stretches” in the front yard every day.  Last week he suffered a heat rash, or a wind burn (I can’t remember), and they took him to their alternative medicine witch doctor.

And, starting today, he’s going on a three-week “cleansing diet.”  Which means he’ll be shitting himself silly.  I think Toney said it was only fruits, vegetables, and rice.  I might be wrong about that, but it’s something designed to fully clean a person out, and cause a detox.  Again, he’s a thirteen year old boy.  And is reportedly “super-excited” to get started!

Also, Nancy and Nostrils are renting a house now, and refuse to mow the grass.  Nancy says she doesn’t mow another person’s lawn; she doesn’t own it, so it’s not her responsibility.  This place is owned by a professional landscaper, and was a thing of beauty when they moved in.  But now it’s an overgrown jungle.

The neighbors are pissed, and are openly hostile about it.  I guess they tried to be nice at first, but Nancy was so dismissive and rude they’ve cranked it up another few notches.

Last week she was supposedly on the front porch “doing her yoga,” and someone yelled, “Hey, mow the grass!!”  She was deeply offended, and has dug in her heels even deeper.

But I told Toney the neighbor probably wasn’t even talking about the lawn.  “Was Nancy wearing her bikini at the time?” I asked.  “Maybe ‘the grass’ is just a euphemism?”  Shit, I remember that bikini.  “Grass” was protruding in every direction: up, down, sideways, forward, back….

And I’m going to work now.  I hope you’ve enjoyed this quick check-in with Eninen, and the brood.  There’s a slim chance we might meet them at Virginia Beach this summer.  It probably won’t happen, but it’s been mentioned.  I’ll keep you posted.

Have a great day, my friends!

Now playing in the bunker
Treat yourself at Amazon: US and Canada

Share on FacebookShare on TwitterShare on LinkedinShare on Pinterest

Filed Under: Daily

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. dto says

    March 26, 2012 at 1:53 pm

    Freakin’ FIRST.!!!!!

    Reply
  2. WB in OH says

    March 26, 2012 at 2:03 pm

    Excellent!

    Reply
  3. Alex says

    March 26, 2012 at 2:03 pm

    That kid is going to be spending time behind bars for rape. Of what, I’m not sure yet.

    Reply
  4. Madz1962 says

    March 26, 2012 at 2:04 pm

    Really???

    Reply
    • Madz1962 says

      March 26, 2012 at 2:09 pm

      It said “No Comments.” Curses… oh well…

      Needlepoint, huh? What SCHOOL teaches needlepoint? That sounds like the adult ed teacher wandered into the wrong classroom at the wrong time. I’d want a full inverstigation with the school board. Schools don’t have pens and paper, serving pink slime in the cafeteria, yet there is a curriculum that offers NEEDLEPOINT? I’m friggin’ stunned.

      Reply
      • Revchris says

        March 26, 2012 at 3:36 pm

        Hey, he’s learning a marketable skill. We’re making stuff in America again!

        Reply
      • CADude says

        March 26, 2012 at 4:37 pm

        I’ve always assumed the translucents were being home schooled, thinking that N&N would never let their kids mingle with the unwashed masses in a public school. Needlepoint would be a core subject in Nancy’s queer-iculum.

        Reply
        • Tracy in OH says

          March 26, 2012 at 10:27 pm

          Didn’t they used to go to a hippy school before they moved up to Canada? I figured they found another one of those to send them to. Needlepoint is probably a required course for graduation.

          Reply
  5. Chuck in Belpre says

    March 26, 2012 at 2:08 pm

    Sooner or later one or possibly both of those boys will wind up being someone’s punch at a state run facility. Or maybe the next fashion icon. Either way it’s a sad situation. Damn funny though.

    Reply
    • Henderson says

      March 26, 2012 at 7:36 pm

      Syrup or jelly?

      Reply
      • Joey Jo Jo says

        March 26, 2012 at 8:29 pm

        I prefer syrup.

        Reply
  6. Dogberry says

    March 26, 2012 at 2:10 pm

    Let’s hope they live in one of those places where the city will come in and cut the grass for you after a while, then bill you at incredible hourly rates. That’d make for a fine continuing tantrum.

    Reply
  7. WB in OH says

    March 26, 2012 at 2:16 pm

    I was once again victorious in the annual “Which neighbor will mow their yard last this spring” competition. But it got mowed this weekend, I’m guessing Nancy didn’t read the lease agreement.

    Reply
  8. Joey Jo Jo says

    March 26, 2012 at 2:25 pm

    Like a junkie, I finally got my Eninen fix…

    Reply
  9. icecycle66 says

    March 26, 2012 at 2:32 pm

    I creeps me out that Nancy and Nos stand their son up next to a door frame and mark his rapidly increasing hieght and length.

    Reply
  10. Tyrosine says

    March 26, 2012 at 2:41 pm

    Having spent time around a few people like Nancy my suggestion is to simply out-crazy her. She does it for attention and because she feeds of the conflict she knows it will cause (and after reading Nancy stories for the past few years I’m 100% certain that she thrives on conflict).

    Encourage the weirdness! If she has daily talks about masturbation with her kids, tell her you bought yours a fleshlight (which both boys share to “promote fraternal bonding”). If she encourages bizarre hobbies (and I don’t care what your sex is, needlepoint is bizarre), tell her that your make your eldest child date both boys and girls (allowing him to “fully explore” his sexuality). Her kid is on a cleansing diet? Tell her yours is on the paleo-diet. Her kid won’t use pit-juice? Tell her that you make yours wear maxi-pads so he can identify better with wonen.

    I’m not suggesting you actually do this stuff, just tell Nancy you are. If you’re lucky she’ll catch on and stop telling you this crap. If not, what’s the worst that can happen? You get a few laughs and either she’ll try some of it on her own kids (which couldn’t do any more harm than she is currently doing), or she’ll call child-welfare on you (which will amount to nothing other that yet another state agency thinking she’s a nut).

    Reply
    • hot fuzz says

      March 26, 2012 at 3:21 pm

      …and we wonder where serial killers come from…

      Funny stuff T.

      Reply
      • eeyoresmama says

        March 26, 2012 at 4:36 pm

        “If you’re lucky she’ll catch on and stop telling you this crap.”

        She quits telling him this stuff and we lose some of the best updates ever.

        Reply
  11. Theresa says

    March 26, 2012 at 2:41 pm

    “Threw down his needlepoint hoop” LMAO

    Reply
    • bikerchick says

      March 26, 2012 at 4:28 pm

      DITTO!!!!!!! LMAO!!!

      Reply
    • chill says

      March 26, 2012 at 8:30 pm

      Heh. Throwing down one’s needlepoint hoop is, in my book, hard-fuckin-core.
      .

      Reply
  12. Phil Jett says

    March 26, 2012 at 2:56 pm

    I can’t wipe the grin off my face. Classic stuff, thanks JK.

    Reply
  13. hot fuzz says

    March 26, 2012 at 3:18 pm

    I don’t remember your column ever getting me mildly pissed off before. But right now I can just imagine the sense entitlement, smugness and condescension. Some people are just not worth the trouble and I just feel like they’re just too stupid for our planet – now just shut up, mow your lawn and be part of society. Or pay some kid $10 or whatever. Heaven forbid the older translucent do any mowing.

    The older one doesn’t stand a chance in life. Even the group in to which he would fall (whatever that is) will end up shunning him. Imagine being stood in judgement by the strangest society has to offer and being found wanting from even that group.

    I really am bothered by this and I don’t know why. I feel like I live in a thin walled apartment and can hear the abuse and just ignore it because I don’t want to get involved but know that I should. It’s such a weird feeling. That little bugger doesn’t stand a chance.

    Reply
    • Madz1962 says

      March 26, 2012 at 3:27 pm

      hot fuzz, I think the older one is probably being discouraged to use a lawn mower. Let’s see, sharp blades, gasoline and an axe to grind.

      No, better he stick to his needlepoint. He can’t do too much damage with a 5 inch needle.

      Reply
    • m says

      March 26, 2012 at 5:47 pm

      I sort of feel the same way. Those poor, hopeless kids. Where will they go in life? They will be eaten alive in college, and I can’t even fathom one of them holding a job.

      Reply
  14. Son of Sam says

    March 26, 2012 at 3:23 pm

    Probably just a matter of time until one of Jeff’s boys will kick the shit out of all of them freaks..Nossy included. Is Sunshine still alive? No mention of her in a while.
    I’m home rehabing from heart ablation surgery. What a fuckin blast that was. 10 hours on the table left me one beat up mofo. Hopefully the a-fib is gone for good now. GF and I are planning a vacation to Punta Cana any good advise from fellow reporters?

    Reply
    • Madz1962 says

      March 26, 2012 at 3:29 pm

      Oh Son of Sam, good luck for a speedy recovery! Realxing in the Domican Republic should help!

      I know 2 people who’ve been to Punta Cana but I can’t find out anything further as her grandmother is in the hospital and I haven’t been able to ask. Will keep you posted!

      Reply
      • Son of Sam says

        March 26, 2012 at 4:30 pm

        thanks all around Madz! just laying around can get pretty boring so Ive been searching for something to look forward to.

        Reply
    • CADude says

      March 26, 2012 at 4:47 pm

      If the ablation surgery doesn’t work, you might want to call Dick Cheney to see if he wants to get rid of his new heart. I’m thinking that he’s probably tired already of having a heart, given the incessant human feelings that he’s having to endure for the first time.

      Reply
    • bikerchick says

      March 26, 2012 at 6:06 pm

      Speedy recovery, SOS! Punta Cana will certainly help the ol’ ticker!

      Reply
    • Alice in WV says

      March 26, 2012 at 8:38 pm

      feel better, SoS. hope to hear some reports from Punta Cana and maybe we can see an addition to the Smokin’ Fish Gallery.

      Reply
  15. icecycle66 says

    March 26, 2012 at 3:47 pm

    Jeff,

    What do you do with the leftover milk after a bowl of cereal?

    Pour it back in the jug?
    Feed it to Andy?
    Make corn flavoured (yeah flavoured) cheese?

    Reply
  16. The 4th Stooge says

    March 26, 2012 at 3:56 pm

    Well, Moe Howard (I was going to say “of the Three Stooges”, but y’all know who he is…durr!) did a lot of needlepoint, crocheting, etc., as did Larry Fine, and Rosey Grier! Jim Brown might be in there, but maybe that was just for harp playing.

    But still, the eldest Translucent (and Nancy–either cut the damn grass yourself, or as has been mentioned, HIRE SOMEONE!) is the kind of kid that gets his ass kicked by the real world. I actually WORKED with someone like this, and there were days that the whole bunch of us didn’t want to kick his ass. . . . we wanted to fillet him like a fish. Thankfully, he has moved on to greener pastures = we don’t have to worry about his ass any more!

    Reply
  17. t-storm says

    March 26, 2012 at 4:17 pm

    Man, that can only get worse.

    Reply
  18. Madz1962 says

    March 26, 2012 at 4:42 pm

    I wonder if Nancy can get the kid some “Axe” and tell him it’s “perfume.” I’d rather choke on a cloud of that shit than some kid’s chicken soup pits stench.

    Reply
  19. Sponge says

    March 26, 2012 at 4:43 pm

    An Eninen update! Way to make my day!

    When I first read the title I thought it was about Eminem, and he had a new group called “The Brood”

    Reply
  20. bikerchick says

    March 26, 2012 at 6:12 pm

    Great update! Such a treat! Pretty soon the whole brood will be sportin’ bedazzled clothes that have been needle point-ed within an inch of their frayed life.

    Reply
  21. Henderson says

    March 26, 2012 at 7:40 pm

    Why doesn’t the Discovery Channel know about these people?

    Reply
  22. chill says

    March 26, 2012 at 8:35 pm

    Thanks for a great update, Jeff. News of Eninen is all too scarce these days.

    I can just echo many others to say that poor kid is going to get his ass handed to him once he gets out into “normal” society.
    .

    Reply
  23. chill says

    March 26, 2012 at 8:36 pm

    Wait, I should have said: LAST!!1!
    .

    Reply
  24. Alice in WV says

    March 26, 2012 at 8:42 pm

    Eninen material – another chapter for another! great update.

    Reply
  25. dto says

    March 26, 2012 at 9:28 pm

    Thanks for the update. I didn’t have to huff ether today.

    Hey…isn’t needlepoint just another crafts store version of paint by numbers. except more mind numbing? He seems to be escaping and withdrawing into himself. And the hell bent on body attitude. Soon he’ll just sit around shitting himself and throwing feces on the wall, begin openly masturbating and someday marry a gril from Iowa.

    Reply
    • chill says

      March 26, 2012 at 9:33 pm

      I’d like to have a grill from Texas, but I don’t think I’d marry it.
      .

      Reply
      • johnthebasket says

        March 27, 2012 at 1:01 am

        I once married a grill from Washington, and pretty soon I got the hot seat and the feces hit the wall at speed.

        jtb

        Reply
  26. Miss Q says

    March 27, 2012 at 9:34 am

    Oh, I how I have missed the Eninen updates. I feel highly rejuvenated today. Thanks, Jeff!

    I agree with others saying this poor kid doesn’t stand a snowball’s chance in hell of making it as an adult (or adolescent. Can you imagine? Geesh!). Holy Christ at the therapy bills the welfare system will be footing for both those kids.

    Reply
  27. Gordion Knott says

    March 27, 2012 at 11:22 am

    > Which means he’ll be shitting himself silly.

    At least the family silverware won’t be involved in correcting this problem, unlike times past.

    Are Eninen still coping with the craziness of multiple homes (the overgrown-grass-rental plus an owned house)?

    Reply
  28. Seekar says

    March 27, 2012 at 3:16 pm

    Always a pleasure to hear from Eninen! Made my day. Thanks, Jeff!

    Reply
  29. CitizenX says

    March 29, 2012 at 1:33 am

    Jeff you would be proud of me!
    I have recently demographically acquired a translucent nephew, age three, that has never seen broadcast television!

    Deprogramming: Engaged!
    No chance in HELL… needlepoint …

    Reply

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Primary Sidebar

Now With Podcast!

Support Jeff And His Projects

Latest Tweets

  • Fresh podcast action, available everywhere! From Milton to Madagascar. pic.twitter.com/V6M1cmQcSA

    November 3, 2022 5:46 am

  • Something new I'm trying: nonewjeffs.substack.com/p/im-n…

    December 2, 2021 4:11 pm

  • Only 182 days until Opening Day.

    September 30, 2021 2:37 pm

  • Check out this great story about a 16 year old Tom Bergeron talking to Moe and Larry on the phone during the early… twitter.com/i/web/status/14387…

    September 17, 2021 5:02 am

  • Dogs! surfreportpod.com/2021/09/16/e…

    September 16, 2021 4:07 pm

Facebook!

Footer

Get Social!

  • Email
  • Facebook
  • Instagram
  • RSS
  • Twitter

Search The Surf Report

Copyright © 2023 · Smoking Fish Media